Have you lost friends due to their judgements on your BPD relationship?

[connect]

Hi guys,

I am in the "staying" board but am posting here as the moderators say this is the best place for these sorts of questions.

I have lost/am losing a close friendship since I have been seeing my BPDbf. My mistake was to talk too much about my r/s to this friend (before I knew much about BPD) My friend decided I was being treated badly and became very angry. My friend then became angry with me for staying in this r/s and not sorting out other areas of my life. The irony is that my friend was angry because I was being treated badly (typical BPD behaviours push/pull disregulation etc etc never anything intimidating I must add) and yet my friend is now being really off with me. I think its a bit ironic... .

My r/s is a year and a half old and my b/f went through a dissociated period which he is now recovering from and with me using the tools, discussions about cbt therapy, things are so much better and calmer. Of course when the dissociation was going on (over a few months) I did not know what was happening and spoke to my friends a lot. I dont think I will do this again - I will stick to these boards and the two friends who dont get angry about it.

I know my friend is also upset that we havent been seeing each other so much as I have had so much going on with this r/s over the past few months and also I left my previous home to be in the r/s and am now all other the place as far as accommodation is concerned (I stay at different places in the week until I get my accommodation sorted) So I am not exactly settled myself but am getting there.

I very much love my friend but am worried that the friendship is now seriousley damaged as my friend is so angry and has been for some time now. My friend wont let me mention my bf's name and wont meet him anymore.

Has this happened to anyone else here?

[emotionaholic]

YES!

I have learned to not talk to my friends about my relationship.  They think I am crazy and most of them are so angry at the way I have been treated that they want nothing to do with her.  It is a very isolating feeling.  Now that I know about BPD, I was so confused and hurt before, I realize how badly I damaged my friends opinions of my gf, and how damaging that has been on my relationship.  Gf hates most of them anyway, so I am stuck in the middle.

The way I see it true friends will tell you when they think you are making a poor decisions, but will also stand by your decisions as your own being supportive when they can and letting go when they can not.  They love us and want us to be happy.

[connect]

Thanks for the reply emotionaholic  

Hard isnt it? I am kicking myself for disclosing so much of the dissociated behaviours to two of my closest friends.

I think I disclosed because when a friend talks to me I will give my opinion if asked and then support them with what they choose to do without judgment. I think people can only do things when they are ready and have been on their own journey to get there so to speak.

I think the anger my friend is displaying has confused me. My friend said its because they care about me so much that the anger is there. Unfortunately I dont feel very cared for when someone is angry with me  

I dont get angry unless it affects me directly. Ahh... . actually writing that has made me realise that my friend could think my r/s IS affecting them directly as I have been spending less time with my friend and have been stressed. To be fair to me though a lot of that is due to my accommodation circumstances and money and not all due to the r/s. Not being able to now mention my bf's name in front of my friend now has meant I cant explain all this or even fully tell them whats going on in my life. I feel the friendship will struggle with these "rules". Also it has not helped me feel better about my situation. Like you. And yes it is isolating.

[emotionaholic]

I do have to hand it to my friends.  They are still there.  My gf, possibly ex, has told me more than once that I need to choose them or her.  I told her I could not be in a relationship where I was forced to choose.  The simple fact for me is that I know my friends will be there till the end.  I never know if the gf will be there next week not to mention next month or next year.  So if forced to choose I know the answer.  There is a particular friend that she hates more than anything, she is threatened by them for reasons I can not understand.  I even got to the point that I was resenting my friendship with this person because it caused so much turmoil in my relationship and certainly don't feel as close to them as I did prior to my relationship.  My friends out of unconditional love for me backed off, but were always there.  Gf just 2 weeks ago ended it again because I put my foot down and decided to not abandon my friendship anymore.  My friends feel bad, I feel bad, and the gf is all by herself with no friends or family to turn to.  I feel the worst for her, but that is her pain.

I hope your friends continue to support you and learn to let go of their anger.  They just want what is best for you.

[MaybeSo]

My friends have stuck by me but it has not been easy for them. I have had to do some work to facilitate this. Such as;

Stop talking / complaining incessantly about my situation

Own my choices, stop being/acting like  a victim

Be present and make time for friends even when in a good period with r/s

To the degree I fail to do these things, it is understandable that friends would get irritated or want to distance themselves. Friendship is a two way street, and cannot be sustained if used as a drop-in emotional emergency room visit only.

[Emelie Emelie]

I've definitely lost the respect of friends.  And coworkers.  Afraid the latter has caused some permanent damage.  I'm viewed as less capable.

[Sin_M]

No, but it's because I explained the disorder to the people I talk to EXHAUSTIVELY so they understand. Talking helped me understand, too. This is not always easy to do, especially when many people who would be trying to explain don't really understand it either. But I would hope if my friend were my real friend, they would not stop being my friend because of something like that.

[Southern_Belle]

YES!

I have learned to not talk to my friends about my relationship.  They think I am crazy and most of them are so angry at the way I have been treated that they want nothing to do with her.  It is a very isolating feeling.  Now that I know about BPD, I was so confused and hurt before, I realize how badly I damaged my friends opinions of my gf, and how damaging that has been on my relationship.  Gf hates most of them anyway, so I am stuck in the middle.

This sounds exactly like my situation, emotionaholic! My BPDbf has demanded that I give up certain friends, "or else!"

The whole friend issue has been causing me much stress lately.

Just like Connect, I regret disclosing too much information to my friends. However, at the time I needed to vent my frustrations (also, some of them witnessed his bad behavior) and I can be impulsive when talking. When I was talking/sharing more with friends, he was not yet diagnosed with BPD. He was first diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and PTSD (all of those can be wrapped into BPD, so it was not surprising that it was later realized that he is BPD). When I talked to friends about BPD and his diagnoses, most were understanding, though, not fully accepting of me staying in a relationship with him. My friend, Jay (I've mentioned him here before), has been less than charitable. His response was, "Gimme a break! He's not mentally ill!" And then Jay has said to a few of our friends that I need to "quit making excuses for E's obnoxious behavior."

I haven't lost any friends, though, they are a bit exasperated with me and the whole situation.

It's difficult to see friends go through such hard times, especially when they are not forced to stay in such terrible situations. I think that is the mindset of most of our friends. They care and want the best for us. They don't want to see us in anguish and struggling.

[VeryFree]

Yes.

My stbxw didn't like to visit friends.

My stbxw didn't like to have friends over.

My stbxw had problems to act socially.

In ten years only a few friends remain.

[eternity75]

I went camping with my best friend this weekend. She knows a lot about my relationship, the cheating, the lies, I've tried to explain to her why I've stayed but I realize my excuses are weak. My boyfriend (LDR) can go long periods without calling me when he knows I'm home and in town. However it seems whenever he knows I'm out doing other things, especially with my best friend, he calls constantly. This weekend while camping he called approx every 2-3 hours. Well on the way home, he starts calling and I decide not to answer, because I was driving, I was talking to her, it was raining hard and difficult to see... . so because I don't answer he keeps hitting redial. He called 10 times in a row within minutes. My friend suddenly lost it on me. She started yelling how my actions and my words aren't consistent (I'm still not entirely sure what she meant) and how I am enabling his behaviour and accepting being treated like crap and bowing to his every whim. She was angry that I answered all of his calls while we were camping and couldn't understand why I didn't just tell him I was having a girls weekend and would call him later and to quit calling so often. I understand her point, but she also doesn't understand what it's like being in my shoes. My bf never rages on me (hasn't yet, that is) but he is clingy, controlling in some ways, push/pull, and is a compulsive cheater. I have a lot of issues to work out from having a BPD father... . and this relationship is what I'm using to try and work those issues out because I realize I keep attracting the same types of guys and when not in a relationship, I push everything down and don't deal with it and then eventually I feel better, start dating again and find another similar relationship. My friend doesn't understand any of this. I have tried to explain (she knows about my family history) but all she sees is a smart, beautiful girl who has found herself a guy who treats her with much less than she deserves. I don't want to lose my friend over this. She has never met him and only knows the things I have told her. But in 8 months he has never wanted to meet my friends or family  I can't explain his sweet side to anyone and make them get it. All they understand is what they see as abuse.

[rollercoaster24]

Hi all,

Yep, friends were a problem right from the very start. Any friends I had that were existing, were immediately denigrated on a frequent basis. It did not matter that I had sat down with BP and explained the absolute truth, and that any male friends I had knew exactly where they were and would be with me forever, (no funny business ever!), no, my friends were apparently all scum and had to go, (him or them basically).

I offered to introduce him to them, no, he didn't want to meet any of them, other than the one he had already met, and that did not go well either, I think that moment was clarity for me on BP's state of mind from the start.

His reaction to this friend visiting unexpectedly said it all.

I was sitting outside in the patio chatting with then friend about his new job, and also that now I was in a relationship with BP, it would cause difficulties for friend and I to catch up so often. I also realised that friend would not be able to drop round anyway, on account of his new job working on remote sites around the country. So we were discussing this whilst BP was in the shower.

I had already discussed with BP the exact same things, (knowing he did not agree with this friend of mine's lifestyle choices) and had told BP that I would ask friend not to visit anymore, and wished him luck with his new job and new life. BP came out of the shower, impatient that friend was still here, and because I had my back to the kitchen window, I did not see BP pulling the kitchen knife out of the block in a menacing way, staring at my friend whilst he did it, and banging on the window.

My friend got up rather suddenly, looking shocked, and I asked what the matter was. He told me that BP had just knocked on my window, and held the knife in the air threatening him. He got up and left quickly, and I apologised, shocked into oblivion.

BP came towards friend as he went to leave, (without the knife) and started lecturing friend about his marriage etc. The friend commented that he didn't need this *** and promptly left.

I had to listen to BP's rantings and ravings for several hours after that, and he still brings the guy's name up today, (still threatening his life too!).

Totally bizarre.

Any other friends I had, were not good enough for BP in any way. All scum as far as he is concerned, and not worthy of his friendship. He ordered me to give them up, or no relationship with him.

I kept contact with one of them, (work associate) but BP still threatens that if he finds out I am going to visit that friend, our relationship will be over!

BP says he is alone, and doesn't have any friends, but hangs out in shopping centres and libraries all day, (unemployed) and makes the excuse that he has to do this because if he stays home at his elderly parents, they will be abusive to him, (more like the other way around actually!).

[emotionaholic]

I am really clad you brought this up Connect.  I am looking for answers and solutions to this problem, although I don't think there are any answers or solutions.

How do you all deal with this problem of friendships with regards to your BPD partner?

I often wonder why she hates everyone I am close to.  Is it because she knows they see her for what she is?  Is she jealous of the closeness I have with lifelong friends?  Is she just so selfish that she can not share me?  Does she think I am going to leave her for them?  Does my hanging out with them take something from her?  Does she not see that these people bring me stability, something she can not?  Or is it just a reminder to her that she has none?

My gf, or ex not really sure right now, has no friends and is in limited contact with only one of her family members.  I always thought what a great gift I have to offer.  Here is my family and a wide variety of friends that I bring to the table for you who will love you and support you without judgement.  But no she who claims to be non judgmental disregards everyone as scum without even having a conversation with them.

[popeye6031]

In the 18 months I have been in my realtionship, I have actually barely seen my friends.  None of them know about how my relationship really is because I just don't socialise very often.  Half of me enjoys just relaxing in my free time. The other half just cannot be bothered with the hassle I get when I go out with friends or when I come back.  Out of the blue something will be wrong before I go out, I will get accused of all sorts. 

I met a friend back in April (had not seen him for 16 months) and I was given a huge amout of grief.  My gf constantly called me, send me abusive messages and then accused me of cheating when I would not answer.

My socialising in the last few months extends to me going to the movies with my mum, brother and his wife (they do know a lot about the bad things).  But she is very jealous of them also and again, any movie trips result ni a barrage of abuse and accusations.

For her, I know it is a deep feeling of rejection every time I do something with anyone else.  I love her very much but I am getting quite stressed out with 18 months of this. 

She is due to come live with me for 6 months (she is foreign) and we are going to be living with my brother.  She wants us to live alone but I have put my foot down on that because I know she will try to isolate me from my family also.

[Southern_Belle]

What do you all do when they start in on your friends? I know JADEing isn't good to do.

So, do we just let them go off on an insulting tangent?  I tend to not acknowledge it, especially when it's over something totally stupid.

Just this morning he sent me a link on Facebook about how different languages sound compared to the German language. It was a comical video. Yeah, I know German is very abrasive sounding. ! As for E, he is fully aware that I'm of German origin (though, born and raised in the U.S. with a long family history here) and I speak a little bit of German as well. I have family there and a few of my friends speak German, too. Because of that, in E's mind my friends (and sometimes me, depending on if I'm being devalued) are "all Neo-Nazis" and why would I ever want to hang out with people like that. When he sent the link this morning he wrote the message, "This just raises my self esteem in regards to so many of the degenerates you know... . "

Part of me thinks I should just not say anything and another part feels like I should correct his behavior and let him know it's unacceptable.

[rollercoaster24]

Hi all

It really makes me happy to see that all of us here still retain our sense of humour over all this! We have to, for our own sanity friends!

So go ahead, laugh until you cry. Roll your eyes to yourself, and of course be sympathetic and understanding as possible, (not to a snarling dog though!).

I used to feel bad and rather guilty about having a laugh privately about it all, but I don't now, as I realise this might just be one really good form of support I can give to myself over it all.

Sometimes I would sit and agree with everything he was raging over, (in regards to my friends), I would be laughing on the inside though, and made sure he never knew it.

Honestly, sometimes it used to work as a defusing technique! but not always, because as is their nature, they then get annoyed because you are in agreement with them!

[Southern_Belle]

Yeah, you're correct! Taking time to laugh can be beneficial for us. Kind of therapeutic in a way.

Here's another question about friends... . How is it with your BPD SO's friends (if they have any)?

I've seen a few people dump E's friendship, though, he has a few that stick around. Most of his friends are long-distance or acquaintances. He does have female friend I can't stand! No, there is nothing sexual or romantic between the two of them. From what I understand, she is most likely a lesbian. So, no worries about them hooking up. However, she is trouble!

I'll refer to her as A. The only connection I had with her was casual Facebook friends, we were never buddies. E spent many hours on the phone with her and when he would paint me black and devalue me, A supplied him an ear to listen. We're all involved in a community/hobby together, A has a lot of friends and a lot of enemies, too.

A is what I would describe as a "mean girl." She starts ___ with people and then tries to act innocent, as if they were they ones who started it. She's a total game-player and has done things to hurt many people (one time she tried to ruin a man's career. He was one of her business competitions).

She came between E and I on a few occasions. From what I was able to piece together, she was fully aware of E's mental problems. Most likely she didn't know it was BPD, but she knew something was wrong with him. She would bait him, get him riled up about something, and then he'd take it out on me. She did that on purpose! In summer of 2011, I put the kabash on their friendship. Though, it has resumed since he has moved out.

I think she's a sociopath!

Anyone have problems with your BPD's friends?

[Nearlybroken]

 I lost friends during my relationship... . they began to become annoyed with what threy perceived as my "weakness" when it came to ex pwBPD and I suspect became bored by me continually talking about it.I have also lost friends post split as some cannot understand how, so long after the event I am still so upset and I feel unable to talk about the situation to them... . One (who only met my ex on a handful of occassions ) merrily criticised my ex to me in very harsh terms  yet still act friendly towards him behind my back... . sending him messages on FB following our split .I terminated that friendship .This whole BPD experience has taught me so many painful lessons.

[LJGinger]

My first Bipolar/BPD r/s caused me to lose a lot of friends because my ex would sleep with them, so there's that. I had one true friend who knew us both and stuck by me and another lifelong friendship that fell apart because she just couldn't understand and was insensitive to me during and after the r/s ended. I have learned my lesson about complaining about my current Bipolar/ BPD bf's behaviors. (That's right... . three years after I called off the wedding with one I fall in love with another!) ... . my therapist is helping me through that craziness. With my current BPDbf, or possibly ex, the biggest problem is his best friend. Every time we hang out with his best friend we always end up fighting that night. He is convinced his lifelong friend is trying to seduce me and I'm falling for it. Trust me... . that couldn't be further from the truth, but he won't hear it. I told him that is his issue with his friend, and that being in the receiving end of this, so called, seduction is out of my control. I'm afraid it'll turn into a him or me situation which I never wanted. I hate being in the middle.