Borderline in a non empathic environment and therapy

[Reg]

Hi,

I'm wondering about this, as it comes from my own situation.  My ex borderline is surrounded by a very non empathic environment.  Her husband has narcistic treats, possibly anti social behavior or PD.  The relation between her parents is nothing then trouble with daily high doses of verbal abuse towards eachother.

My ex has also fibromyalgia, and stress makes her physical condition deteriorate.  Her mother is constantly calling to her, up to five and seven times a day, with all her problems.  Her grandmother does it weekly, her oldest brother is in a relation and has a one year old, causing a lot of problems in his marriage, her youngest brother is a bit behind intellectually for his age.

They all come with their problems to her.  And as an extra she is now surrounded by other known and diagnosed borderlines.

I was wondering if there ever may be a solution for someone as my ex borderline to get into therapy, for example in a psychiatric clinic, as this becomes the realisation of her greatest fear, to be able to heal, she would have to abandon in fact all of her family and most of her 'friends'.

It is just a hypothetical question which I would like to answer in my book on what life is in a borderline relationship (also explaining the behavior of my ex in connection to the borderline).

Personally I'm convinced that this might just be one of these situations where help for the borderline is equal to a checkmate position in chess.

Thanks !

Reg

[GreenMango]

Your question has a lot of layers.  Her own illness and treatment.  Her family dynamic. Your role in her life.

Generally speaking people experience successful treatment when they go of their own accord, the follow through with treatment, and their support system is healthy and one the same page.

It may be she's doesn't find any of this a problem or feel enough negative effects to want to deal with it.  It may work for her.  If that is the situation then the likelihood of seeking treatment is close to zero.  People don't usually seek help when whatever is going on works for them or there is stasis - even if that normal looks problematic to you. 

Probably not what you wanted to hear Reg.  I know its not hopeful - its better to focus on you right now - unwarranted hope can be really destructive left unchecked.

[Reg]

GreenMango,

Thanks for the reply.  Actually it is exactly what I was expecting, I think that due to her environment she is stuck in her own situation.  And the reason why she says no to therapist help.

With the extra problem of the fibromyalgia, it is going to end in diaster for her.  About a year ago she has seen what it does to her in extreem stressful situations and she could hardly walk.  The last thing that I heard from her was that her muscles have degraded by another 15 %.  And she's scared as hell ending up in a wheelchair.  She always said that if it ended like this, she would commit suicide.  Sad situation !

And yes I'm focussing on myself most of the time, there's nothing I can do.  I'm not a therapist, and I'm aware that I will not change people... .   I'm also the only one who can change me :-)

Reg

[GreenMango]

You make a good point that many of us here lost sight of at one point or another.  We aren't professionals.  It's important to remember.

It's not fair to you or the person with BPD to take on that role.

Keep your head up Reg.

[Reg]

Will do GreenMango !

I've confronted her with the facts again at the time.  It was her decision not to seek help.  Although I know that there may come a day she steps out of life due to the combination borderline and fibromyalgia.  But I don't want to whitness this happening.  She had and has a coice.  And made one.  Her decision.  Not one I'm happy with it, but it was a choice, just the way I made my own choice, not to stay in her life.

Reg

[GreenMango]

Hard part of the reality of relationships - sometimes the choices we make because of our needs don't always mean everything will feel great all the time. 

It sounds like you made a choice for the right reasons.  I know once I trusted my decision was made because of prinicples and what I needed in a healthy relationship it got a lot easier to accept that it was okay to let go ... . And that things would get better eventually.  It won't always be this hard.

It's okay to be sad and disappointed - sometimes there is no fix but just to sit with it and let it pass when its time.