Do they always play the victim card?

[Depression = 72% of members]

So much I have read on this site is true of my 28 year marriage to my BPD H. He was always the victim and everything wrong in his life was my fault. It actually still is. Though I have chosen to end the marriage after discovering 2 months ago deviant sexual behavior, a current affair, and extremely inappropriate emotional online affairs, he blames me. He was extremely depressed a year ago and now says i caused him to be depressed by not treating him right (his perception, since nothing is ever right for him.) And claiming that starting antidepressants appx one year ago made him happy, and now he is happier than he has been in years. Yes, I know he truly believes it.  Now that i have filed for divorce, I'm the bad guy because financially it is going to be very difficult.  His idea is that we remain together for financial reasons and our 17yo daughter. But that he would continue his affair and whatever other behavior and we be roommates.  Financially it may make sense, but for me to move on emotionally it will not work.  He stays away for about 4 or 5 nights a week and claims he is doing it to stay out of my hair, but he is doing it for himself and staying with his girlfriend. He also says I have alienated his daughter from him, but he has done that himself.  Selfish selfish selfish!

[hardhabit2break]

So much I have read on this site is true of my 28 year marriage to my BPD H. He was always the victim and everything wrong in his life was my fault. It actually still is. Though I have chosen to end the marriage after discovering 2 months ago deviant sexual behavior, a current affair, and extremely inappropriate emotional online affairs, he blames me. He was extremely depressed a year ago and now says i caused him to be depressed by not treating him right (his perception, since nothing is ever right for him.) And claiming that starting antidepressants appx one year ago made him happy, and now he is happier than he has been in years. Yes, I know he truly believes it.  Now that i have filed for divorce, I'm the bad guy because financially it is going to be very difficult.  His idea is that we remain together for financial reasons and our 17yo daughter. But that he would continue his affair and whatever other behavior and we be roommates.  Financially it may make sense, but for me to move on emotionally it will not work.  He stays away for about 4 or 5 nights a week and claims he is doing it to stay out of my hair, but he is doing it for himself and staying with his girlfriend. He also says I have alienated his daughter from him, but he has done that himself.  Selfish selfish selfish!

[Iamdizzy]

hardhabit2break,

It's extremely selfish of them to act this way. In my opinion, it's due to both choice (lack of better understanding) and BPD. A member on here wrote about love, that love is to consider the other person. If I do/say X Y Z, let me consider how much it would affect my partner. BPD from what I've read, do not consider and if they do it's too late and what's done is done. My uBPDex blamed me for the 'failure' of the relationship. She wrote me a lengthy e-mail ( I printed it out and it was 7 pages total) stating how much she loves me and will always love me. How she wants me to succeed in life and be happy BUT despite the sexual abuse she has recieved, the broken home, and the horrible ex boyfriends who have used her like a piece of meat, I WAS the person who has hurt her the most in this world (a sentence she has told her previous boyfriends) and she does have fault but the major reason it has failed was because of me.

Did I buy it? NO It hurt me so much but I chuckled, I saw a 5 year old little girl diluting reality to near craziness, she was living in another realm. I hope you find peace and happiness! 

[hardhabit2break]

Hello Iamdizzy: Peace and happiness would be wonderful and all I have ever really wanted. At times it did exist, or so I thought, but even during those times was the waiting for the next episode. Now I am looking forward, though I am still hurt and it is quite painful and all still so fresh. But I am using tools I have learned of from this site , or at least trying to, in getting through this difficult time. I can see a better future and know to get there i have to be here right now. It amazes me how the BPDs can behave with no regard for anyone but themselves. All who are struggling out there, be well!

[Iamdizzy]

Hard to break the habit,

Peace and happiness did exist but only for a short period of time. From what I've seen, they create drama when there is none, it's simply that they are accustomed to do in relationships. I can say you will find peace and happiness in time. I still struggle but I believe these relationships set up a template for what not look for in your next relationship. This will also be a driving force to stick to a good relationship when you find it. I'm going out, meeting new girls and I'm slowly realizing there are far better girls out there than my BPDex in almost every aspect. I kinda enclosed myself in this bubble of just my BPDex, that's all, focusing in on her BPD, her episodic rages, her behavior, what she's doing. I wasn't thinking about ME. Now I am and it feels liberating. 

[MatzlanGirl]

To IamDizzy

That's what I've read, yea, that they always play the "victim" card, that's how they avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior, because taking responsibility for and acknowledging their own behavior means that they would have to accept their share of the blame, something they never do! They always blame everything on others, and always make you feel like you are the one at fault for all the problems, that you are the one causing all the problems in the relationship. That's what happened in my relationship too. He played the victim role really convincingly, while all the while "hiding his abusiveness" behind closed doors where there were no witnesses to it. He went around and told lies and stories, and convinced everyone that I was the one who was "crazy," "nuts," and "out of my mind," and that, "I was just accusing him of things that he was not guilty of," even tho I found evidence that he WAS guilty, and he even went behind my back on social networking sites to look up people in the store that I worked in, and secretly communicated with them, and convinced them all that "I had mental issues" and that he was totally innocent... . all in order to "retaliate" and get his "revenge" on me for having the courage to speak out and start telling people about his abusive behavior. He didn't like it one bit, that I had the nerve to "tarnish his image" and he didn't want people to know what was really going on, what he was really like. He humiliated and degraded me emotionally so bad, in front of my own co-workers, that it was just too emotionally painful for me to even come to work everyday and be treated like a "basket case" and be "talked down to" and to be "watched and followed around, like I was some crazy lunatic"... . so I finally asked for a "store-to-store transfer," and did the paperwork, all secretly, without my BP husband knowing anything about it, and once the "transfer" was approved, I waited till he went to work one day, then I packed up my car and left. But, I was stupid, and after a 5 month separation, I allowed myself to be talked into coming back home. Still, to this day, he lies and denies everything, claims, still, that "I am just accusing him of things," refuses to admit to anything, and still attempts to declare his innocence. So, yea, boy do I know, how good they are at playing that poor, poor victim role, because they crave that attention and sympathy they get, that, "Oh, you poor, poor thing, oh, we feel so sorry for you, having to put up with that witch" ... . that attention and sympathy is like their drug, and they crave it, and they don't care who they hurt to get it!

[Iamdizzy]

Matzlangirl,

After reading all the sad stories on here, I have to say I thank god that I don't have to live like that. Could you imagine living your life, telling practically a complete stranger, all these sob stories to get some sort of reaction from the other person. Where the hell is the logic, rationale, the normalcy in that?

I would never in my life tell a POTENTIAL partner about my life in such a deep and intimate manner. How? How could you trust a person you barely know with your intimate past? All of this to solicit a reaction and to manipulate on way or another. It's sick. You build relationships on bonding and hard work, not "rescue me please all of these people were so bad to me"... . yet they pull out our hearts. I'm grateful in some crazy way to have this pain because I'm learning not to fall for that crap and to run and I mean RUN away if it ever arises.

[MammaMia]

Matzlangirl

Welcome to the BPD family.  We are glad you found us and SO get what you have been through and continue to deal with.  This is typical BPD behavior.  They are perpetual victims and very convincing to others.  It is all about getting  attention, lack of responsibility, belittling and blaming others.  It makes them feel superior when deep inside they are a big black hole of self doubt and fear.

How were things for you emotionally during your separation?  Has your husband been diagnosed with BPD and is he getting any kind of therapy?  Are you receiving any therapy or support? 

We understand your pain and frustration.  How can someone we  loved so much at one time become so cruel?  It is the disorder.  PwBPD lack moral boundaries and are totally self-serving.  The really do not care what others feel unless it serves them.

Please know that many of us here are in exactly the place you are.  I do not know if you have researched the disorder and/or reviewed any of the informational materials here.  I would encourage you to do so.

No one can tell you what to do.  But we can also encourage you to take control of your life as you have done in the past.  Do not allow your h to abuse you in any way.  You deserve better than to live in fear and suffer humiliation at the hands of someone who is supposed to be a loving partner.

We are here for you.  You are among friends.

[babushka]

In my experience, Yes! I found that when I tried to enforce a long-ago trampled boundary he would instantly see it as an attack. He used guilt as manipulation. For instance, what facilitated our last and (God give me strength!) our final breakup:

Less than a year ago, he was high and drunk and physically attacked me. He blamed it on the alcohol so even though I should have left him right there my boundary was I didn't want to be around him when he was using anything.

Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago: we live in separate towns and I was going to meet him for his birthday. We are making plans on the phone and he says he is going to get as high as he has ever been on his birthday. I say I am not comfortable being around him if he is going to get stoned as possible. He knows because of what happened I won't feel safe. He screams at me that I always say he is just a bad person. I say I never said you were a bad person but I don't want to be around you stoned. He hangs up on me.

When the fog starts lifting, I am able to see through all his "victim" stories dealing with ex's, family, and friends.

[Iamdizzy]

When the fog starts lifting, I am able to see through all his "victim" stories dealing with ex's, family, and friends.



Babushka

I recall a member on here stating "I got to know my BPDex more in the year after our break up while NC then when she was in my bed saying "baby let's cuddle". Chilling words but it's true! In time you will see it clearly and all those horrible stories you were fed will now seem questionable to say the least and OF COURSE, You will see that your partner is the cause or at least MAJOR cause of all the failed relationships he had.

[mcc503764]

CONTINUAL VICTIMIZATION... .

.

Apparently, they learned very early in life that they could play this and get what they want / need at the moment.

Children do this obviously but then they learn that this is unacceptable behavior... . well, most of them do... .

MCC

[Clearmind]

CONTINUAL VICTIMIZATION... .

Yes and we played a huge role - we even sought it out because to fix a victim provides us with value. Until such time as we become resentful because they don't change the way we want them to - this creates poor executive control in us. We then become the victims by circumstance and design.

See... . a Borderline are not victims - they have spent a lifetime in this pattern - they survive and go on and repeat patterns. If we repeat the same pattern without realizing what role we played we will remain in victim mode.

Many of our posts here on bpdfamily vindicate our partners - start turning the focus on you and move from your own victim stance 

[SweetCharlotte]

Quote from WXYZ:

"The difficulty I see is they switch (on a dime) between two the roles:

1. Adult to Adult (normal adult interaction)

2. Parent to Child (abnormal adult interaction)"

-------------------------------------------------------------

That's a good point and it has been analyzed even more complexly as five "faces" (there's a youtube video called "Five faces of BPD":

1. Detached Protector

2. Punishing Parent

3. Hurt and Abused Child

4. Impulsive and Angry Child

5. Healthy and Coping Adult

You can get all five faces or modalities in the same conversation.

My estranged uBPDh was able to stay mainly at #5 for a long stretch (with #3 making brief appearances), but then all hell would break loose and it was all 1, 2, 3, 4 for a month.

Yes, they feel that they are the victim. You go from being good parent to bad parent after you have been with them for a while and they see you as part of their shifting and hazardous inner world.

[MatzlanGirl]

Matzlangirl,

After reading all the sad stories on here, I have to say I thank god that I don't have to live like that. Could you imagine living your life, telling practically a complete stranger, all these sob stories to get some sort of reaction from the other person. Where the hell is the logic, rationale, the normalcy in that?

I would never in my life tell a POTENTIAL partner about my life in such a deep and intimate manner. How? How could you trust a person you barely know with your intimate past? All of this to solicit a reaction and to manipulate on way or another. It's sick. You build relationships on bonding and hard work, not "rescue me please all of these people were so bad to me"... . yet they pull out our hearts. I'm grateful in some crazy way to have this pain because I'm learning not to fall for that crap and to run and I mean RUN away if it ever arises.

Sorry you got the wrong idea here. I just wanted to clarify something! NO, I am NOT looking to be "rescued" as you put it. That's what got me into this mess, in the first place, and I recognize that now. Now, I am trying to gather all the information I can, to learn from this mistake, and to learn more about myself, and how to "recognize it," as you put it, and learn how to RUN from it... . as quickly as I can, the next time someone seems too eager to "rescue me," so as not to allow myself to get sucked into this, with another BP, ever again!

[Iamdizzy]

No! Matzlangirl I'm not talking about you,

I'm talking about pwBPD in general! sorry for the confusion