Support needed please

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Quick recap. Proceedings ongoing for last 2yr. finances trial due in a month. Trial a year ago re contact. This has been supervised in a contact centre. Plan was to move to unsupervised originally last winter, then delayed to this summer. Ds11 now refuses to see him dd7 would only see him in contact centre but didn't want to. It took a long time to settle dd2 there with dad.

... . so hearing last week. C.e wanted it to be a final hearing but then didn't turn up! His report make clear forcing ds11 will make his anxieties worse. He suggested contact order for dd7 and ds2. However at prospect of unsupervised dd7 becomes v anxious to the point it impacts on sch. Her teacher left numerous messages for c.e but he never replied. Therefore teacher did a letter of what he would have said for court. Judge decided leave things as they are for ds11, ANOTHER trial for contact for dd7 and in interim cards/letters fortnightly to all 3 and ds2 to see dad unsupervised with public handover. Ds2 is v clingy in unfamiliar situations and until point has had his siblings at contact. The way c.e report written it clear he believes the children, but bound by fact no findings made at trial last year. Dad wanted Skype/telephone contact etc which the judge said no to. Dad sol then said his client wanted a trial for residency! Judge advised him against it but sayings his right and should be a combined trial with contact. No date yet.

So ds2 supposed to have weekly contact (fortnightly til now). First yday. He clung to me, wouldn't leave. Dad refused to go inside so stuck in car park. Asked dad what his plans. He said take him to supermarket then park. He has snacks with him so its incredibly sad that he thinks first unsupervised he should take him to supermarket. I am v conscious that he is making out kids don't want to see him cos of me ( not true). Ds2 getting increasingly distraught and dad clearly unable to deal with him. I said I'd drive in my car to park and meet him there. Thought I could sit at side and he could play withds2, that ds2 would be reassured, but no. It was the longest hour of my life and basically dad doesn't know how to be a parent. What the courts fail to appreciate is dads r.ship with kids when we together cos me orchestrating it, and I refuse to do that now. I am so drained today. It's the first timeive had to be near him in 2yrs. And his false persona with ds2 repulsed me. I'm not doing this every week, it no good for my mental health never mind ds2. The other two were v anxious about him going as well, I left the with a friend, but again means I am relying on friends every week.

So what to suggest now? ... . yes it always falls back to me to suggest... .

The other problem... . I BPD/NPDM. 3.5yr ago I went nc. She won't accept, the extinction burst still hasn't busted! She done all sorts over that time but last week I received a package... . it was a book she has written and published about me! Selling on amazon. writing awful obv financed it herself. Names changed nil else. All from her warped perspective of course,but inessence, she really believes I have been trying to ruin her life since I was born, and the nurse  at the time warned her as much! Sounds laughable except she really believes this. It's all one huge projection and she has concluded I have BPD! What concerns me is on web page she says she is writing second book ... . a drama with a mystery surrounding it . Can't help but think hope that not my murder. Told other family members they go smacked she so vindictive,but no one dare challenge her. I took it to councillor and cut up so I done within but it disturbs me that she is so fixed on,e and the time she must have put in. She has also set up a twitter page for book... . and is following my local newspaper? we live hours away. She also tweeted something about a work associate... . I assume she watching any of my colleagues who use twitter and cut aNPDasteas it wasn't her sort of language and it wasn't retweeted. Over years she has rung several of my friend,assume she took numbers from mobile when she visited. She give me creeps.

I just want to be left alone by her and ex ( she doesn't know we divorced so in book he painted v white presumably in hope of causing probs if we were still together).

Sorry for long rant... . guess I have to go prepare for another two trial  :'(

GT

[Gettingthere]

Quick recap. Proceedings ongoing for last 2yr. finances trial due in a month. Trial a year ago re contact. This has been supervised in a contact centre. Plan was to move to unsupervised originally last winter, then delayed to this summer. Ds11 now refuses to see him dd7 would only see him in contact centre but didn't want to. It took a long time to settle dd2 there with dad.

... . so hearing last week. C.e wanted it to be a final hearing but then didn't turn up! His report make clear forcing ds11 will make his anxieties worse. He suggested contact order for dd7 and ds2. However at prospect of unsupervised dd7 becomes v anxious to the point it impacts on sch. Her teacher left numerous messages for c.e but he never replied. Therefore teacher did a letter of what he would have said for court. Judge decided leave things as they are for ds11, ANOTHER trial for contact for dd7 and in interim cards/letters fortnightly to all 3 and ds2 to see dad unsupervised with public handover. Ds2 is v clingy in unfamiliar situations and until point has had his siblings at contact. The way c.e report written it clear he believes the children, but bound by fact no findings made at trial last year. Dad wanted Skype/telephone contact etc which the judge said no to. Dad sol then said his client wanted a trial for residency! Judge advised him against it but sayings his right and should be a combined trial with contact. No date yet.

So ds2 supposed to have weekly contact (fortnightly til now). First yday. He clung to me, wouldn't leave. Dad refused to go inside so stuck in car park. Asked dad what his plans. He said take him to supermarket then park. He has snacks with him so its incredibly sad that he thinks first unsupervised he should take him to supermarket. I am v conscious that he is making out kids don't want to see him cos of me ( not true). Ds2 getting increasingly distraught and dad clearly unable to deal with him. I said I'd drive in my car to park and meet him there. Thought I could sit at side and he could play withds2, that ds2 would be reassured, but no. It was the longest hour of my life and basically dad doesn't know how to be a parent. What the courts fail to appreciate is dads r.ship with kids when we together cos me orchestrating it, and I refuse to do that now. I am so drained today. It's the first timeive had to be near him in 2yrs. And his false persona with ds2 repulsed me. I'm not doing this every week, it no good for my mental health never mind ds2. The other two were v anxious about him going as well, I left the with a friend, but again means I am relying on friends every week.

So what to suggest now? ... . yes it always falls back to me to suggest... .

The other problem... . I BPD/NPDM. 3.5yr ago I went nc. She won't accept, the extinction burst still hasn't busted! She done all sorts over that time but last week I received a package... . it was a book she has written and published about me! Selling on amazon. writing awful obv financed it herself. Names changed nil else. All from her warped perspective of course,but inessence, she really believes I have been trying to ruin her life since I was born, and the nurse  at the time warned her as much! Sounds laughable except she really believes this. It's all one huge projection and she has concluded I have BPD! What concerns me is on web page she says she is writing second book ... . a drama with a mystery surrounding it . Can't help but think hope that not my murder. Told other family members they go smacked she so vindictive,but no one dare challenge her. I took it to councillor and cut up so I done within but it disturbs me that she is so fixed on,e and the time she must have put in. She has also set up a twitter page for book... . and is following my local newspaper? we live hours away. She also tweeted something about a work associate... . I assume she watching any of my colleagues who use twitter and cut aNPDasteas it wasn't her sort of language and it wasn't retweeted. Over years she has rung several of my friend,assume she took numbers from mobile when she visited. She give me creeps.

I just want to be left alone by her and ex ( she doesn't know we divorced so in book he painted v white presumably in hope of causing probs if we were still together).

Sorry for long rant... . guess I have to go prepare for another two trial  :'(

GT

[Matt]

What is the custody situation you think would be best for each child?

Why?

I think a good way to start is to first get it very clear in your mind what you think would be best, and the reasons.

[Gettingthere]

Indirect contact I think is best. Older two don't want to see him but do benefit from knowing he is ok. He will not be able to form a relationship with ds2( nearly 3). He demonstrated that y.day. He was unable to follow son's lead, and was constantly demanding attention from him. However courts won't see it like that despite how stressful it is for him. He is toilet training and has a couple of accidents a week. He had 6 after contact yday.

[Matt]

Ask your lawyer about objective psych evals, like the MMPI-2.  If that shows a personality disorder or other psychological disorder, then you can research the long-term impact of that disorder in the parent on the child's development.  Scholarly research may show that a young child exposed too much to an adult with such a disorder puts the child at high risk, over time.

[Gettingthere]

Thanks Matt.

It is looking more and more like that. I know when I have discussed with sol in past its seen very much as a last resort here... . and obv both parties are subject to the same assessment.

One things for sure I can't repeat the way contact was this weekend.

[Matt]

Thanks Matt.

It is looking more and more like that. I know when I have discussed with sol in past its seen very much as a last resort here... . and obv both parties are subject to the same assessment.

One things for sure I can't repeat the way contact was this weekend.

Yes, I've heard that psych evals are more common in the US than elsewhere.

If you go that route, I would certainly suggest you ask for both parties to be evaluated the same way.  Otherwise it sounds like you're asking for the other party to be subject to evaluation but not yourself.  And you have to be ready for your results to show something - nobody has no problems.  (My results showed some stuff, and I was able to show that I was working on it and not denying it, so it was no problem.)

[livednlearned]

Thanks Matt.

It is looking more and more like that. I know when I have discussed with sol in past its seen very much as a last resort here... . and obv both parties are subject to the same assessment.

One things for sure I can't repeat the way contact was this weekend.

Yes, I've heard that psych evals are more common in the US than elsewhere.

If you go that route, I would certainly suggest you ask for both parties to be evaluated the same way.  Otherwise it sounds like you're asking for the other party to be subject to evaluation but not yourself.  And you have to be ready for your results to show something - nobody has no problems.  (My results showed some stuff, and I was able to show that I was working on it and not denying it, so it was no problem.)

It may depend on the severity of the disordered person. In my case, only N/BPDx was ordered to get a psych eval. He had an outburst that was off the charts, and he seemed to understand that if he wanted a better custody situation, he needed to explain himself.

No one asked me to get a psych eval, although N/BPDx filed a motion for it.

I see what you're saying, Matt. But I think it also depends on any prior rulings about the stability or safety of the parties.