Seeking comfort after years of stress

[thinkingthinking]

Bear with me on this rant.  I know there is no answer to anything, but appreciate a place to vent.  

The stress of deciding to file for divorce was one thing.  After being married for over 20 years and always wondering if I had tried hard enough, whether I was exaggerating things (since after a rage or drinking binge, he would be back to "normal" the next day while I was still reeling), and wondering what was best for our kids, the decision was made in January.  And somehow I thought that the decision-making was an end of some sort.

In someways I suppose it was the end of something, but of course it evolved into a different stress.  My BPDH has continuously insisted that I did not give the marriage enough chances, that I am being selfish, that I have no idea what I'm doing.  This constant line of talk is something that I'm learning to get past to some degree.  I've learned to say "I need to go" and hang up the phone, but it is still grating.  He attempted suicide in February, and acts like that's just something people do when they love someone else. This month he is doing well, and somehow that is odd for me again. Like I get back into that question of "Am I the one overreacting to everything?"  "was it really not that bad?"   I know the answers to these questions as well, but an unknown future, having a house on the market, a demanading job, a son headed to college, etc, all have me in a very uncomfortable state.  And maybe that is what it comes down to.  The crazy drama is more familiar and comfortable than the unknown.

Hoping that time will really be a healer, because sometimes I'm shocked by how broken I've become.

[Matt]

How old are your kids?

Have you talked with them about this?

Getting good support from family and friends?

[Forestaken]

... .   And maybe that is what it comes down to.  The crazy drama is more familiar and comfortable than the unknown.

Hoping that time will really be a healer, because sometimes I'm shocked by how broken I've become.

I had 1 in college and 1 in H.S. when I decided to file.  demanding job too. 

I'm still in the process of divorce, it's been just over a year, and have to say "It's worth it".  It's taken a year, but I realized I was always too afraid. It took me alot of reflection to face my faults.  It's tough when you're the rock for everyone else. 

[nursemyBPD]

thinkingthink, I can totally relate, & I applaud you for making the tough decison, that I soon must make as well. On these boards I seek out those who have been married for a very long time, becuase I think we have a invested so much time & energy, that we linger in indecison much longer than is health for us. I have been married to my uPPDh for 30 years and NOW that all our children are grown I keep asking myself why do I stay? I use many excuses, some financial, some obligatory, some hopeful, but excuses nonetheless. 

  My uBPDh has NEVER sought treatment or counseling of any kind, & I am doubtful he evewr will, I have encoruaged him to for decades even prior to my assumption that BPD could possibley be his diagnosis. For years I suspected Bipolar and told him so, but of course he will jokingly and sometime while dysregulating mention sarcastically that he has Bipolar, It was this past 2years in studying BPD in my Medical career cintuning education that lead to feel that his symptoms more closy match those of a High Functioning BPD (I guess I should be greatful he is high functioning) He has been self employed for the past 8 years so that has decreased the workplace conflict that he used to continually struggle with for 20 years.

    I would be intrested in hearing from you thinkingthinking on how YOU are doing in each stage of the separation and divorce, how YOU are able to get some of your life back, and YOU began to feel normal again. Having married this uBPDh when I was only 20yo I no longer know who "ME" is I am MrPLEASE READ Nurse hit_ Mother of hit_But the "WHO AM I" question linger I know things I used to like to do, and on rare occasions will try to embark on them again only to find little fullfillment when the usual froms of disapprovale for taking time for ME are thrown my way. Logically I say to myself ":)O IT ANYWAY, Enjoy Anyway, ignore the comments, but the genuine JOY is just NOT there, which then leads me to question whether the turmoil following the assertions of ME time" are even worth the trouble.

    In addtion I feel like a complete fool and even a hypocrte at times, because I am well educated and assertive enough outside the home, and a mdical professionl, that I keep asking myself How can you keep allowing yourself to be treated that way, Why not set stricter boundaries, why NOT just up & leave you can afford it.  Why are you still ataying the Kids are grown. Then the flip side, as a mdical professional I feel like a hypocrite for NOT beinbg able to help someone with a mental illness, how can I NOT spearate out my feelings long enough to compel to seek treatment, How can I not just try the S.E.T., and vaildation and all the tips found here and improve the relationship to an accpetable level. How can I abandone my husband of 30 years due to  a mental illness? 

[ForeverDad]

   In addition I feel like a complete fool and even a hypocrite at times, because I am well educated and assertive enough outside the home, and a medical professional, that I keep asking myself How can you keep allowing yourself to be treated that way, Why not set stricter boundaries, why NOT just up & leave you can afford it.  Why are you still staying the Kids are grown. Then the flip side, as a medical professional I feel like a hypocrite for NOT being able to help someone with a mental illness, how can I NOT separate out my feelings long enough to compel to seek treatment, How can I not just try the S.E.T., and validation and all the tips found here and improve the relationship to an acceptable level. How can I abandon my husband of 30 years due to a mental illness?

It's not about us, it about the disordered one, mostly.  We can try and try and try and still fail.  We can't save someone who refuses to be saved or helped meaningfully.  However, if they start on the road to recovery then it's okay to support them as long as they stay on that path, that's not being 'enabling'.

Someone years ago explained it this way... . We're too close to our disordered ones for them to get past the emotional baggage and actually listen to us, they're more likely to blame us and shift blame to us.  So if they never responded to us or our pleas, that's typical.  If - and that's a big if - they will seek out a qualified and perceptive professional and truly stick with the therapy and truly apply it in their lives, they might respond better since the professional has no emotional or vested ties to them.

I recall reading in I Hate You, Don't Leave Me where the eventually recovered wife and mother wrote that during her years of therapy she never once touched her therapist, didn't even shake his hand.  That's how strict the therapist was with the doctor-patient relationship.  Only when they said their goodbyes did she get to give him a hug.  I think the writer was making a strong point that we can't save the disordered ones, we're simply in a too close emotionally intense relationship, everything is perceived and distorted by their emotional and twisted perceptions.

[thinkingthinking]

    I would be intrested in hearing from you thinkingthinking on how YOU are doing in each stage of the separation and divorce, how YOU are able to get some of your life back, and YOU began to feel normal again. Having married this uBPDh when I was only 20yo I no longer know who "ME" is I am MrPLEASE READ Nurse hit_ Mother of hit_But the "WHO AM I" question linger I know things I used to like to do, and on rare occasions will try to embark on them again only to find little fullfillment when the usual froms of disapprovale for taking time for ME are thrown my way. Logically I say to myself ":)O IT ANYWAY, Enjoy Anyway, ignore the comments, but the genuine JOY is just NOT there, which then leads me to question whether the turmoil following the assertions of ME time" are even worth the trouble.

So much of what you say is a struggle for me as well.  I married at 19, had my oldest at 20 and second child at 23 while finishing college, and really never had time to know myself or even consider what I want/need. We've been married over 22 years, and while I always knew there was something strained in our relationship, I couldn't pinpoint it until about 5 years ago. I can even recall having arguments with my dBPDh about where I wanted to go for MY birthday dinner, or having to feel defensive about going out with a couple of friends; which as you described, really sucks the joy out of everything.  While I'm financially okay, my husband was a compulsive spender and I am stuck with a lot of his debt.  I am okay living frugally if it means that I don't have to worry about additional debt being piled on.  For the first time in my adult life, I will be moving into my own home in about a week (with our 12-year old daughter).

I can't say that I know myself yet, and I think it is going to be a long process. 22 years (or 30 in your case!) creates some pretty serious care-taking habits to "unlearn".  But at least now I am free to think about and make changes to be the person I want to be, instead of concentrating all of my energy on what he NEEDED me to be.  I agree that when we are too close to the situation for too long, all parties lose any kind of objectivity.   When I threatened separation, my BPDh went through treatment for alcohol abuse and a dual diagnosis program (a year later), but his behaviors always went back to the same patterns, especially if there was something stressful going on.  The decision to divorce was because it really is like "too much water over the bridge".  I can forgive but I can't seem to forget any longer, and I don't want to live the rest of my life in a constant state of tension. 

NursemyBPD- keep me posted on how things are going.  It is hard to make that decision when you've already toughed it out for so long, but you deserve true happiness and joy in your life.

Forestaken- thank you for the reassurance that it gets better!  When we have been the rock, sometimes it's hard for us to ask for help.

Matt and ForeverDad- Thank you for your thoughtful questions and insight!

[nursemyBPD]

Thanks both of you, I am currently reading simlutaneosuly "stop walking on egg shells" and "the Essential Family Guide to BPD" both are excellant resources, yet, in really focusing on the techniques, and realizing the tremendous amount of effort it will take for only TEMPORARY RESULTS, is depressing. For now I'll stay and try  to set boundaries, and find myself again, and see if it changes my outlook on my life, and to truly decide if this is the life I want forever, or if I must throw in the towel, and leave him o God and his own consequences. Part of my battle is concerns of what impact this will have on our business we run together. read about that in a new thread I was about to post anyway.

[livednlearned]

Leaving N/BPDx was the most frightening, painful, difficult thing I've ever done. Leaving him was the best, most rewarding, most personally strengthening thing I've ever done. I grew up. I developed a real self! I became a better mom, a better person, but wow was it ever painful. I don't abuse drugs or alcohol, but I do think the withdrawal process is similar to dealing with an addiction.

Do you have a therapist? I think it's important to have one while you go through the process so you have some expert guidance. And the people on this board are wonderful. Divorce is both the ending of a legal contract, but there is also a big therapeutic piece to it that people here understand. In Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists, the author wrote about how codependent people leave narcissistic relationships, and then tend to pick narcissistic lawyers. Having friends here help you navigate even that piece of it is so helpful.

How is your daughter doing? My son was 9 when I left, and I believe deep in my heart that if we stayed, I would have lost him. I don't know how, or what choices he would have made as a teen, but I think getting him into a stable home was the single most important thing I could do for him. As I got stronger, so did he.

I'll be thinking about you moving out and starting a new life in your new home. I never take for granted the feeling I get walking into my own home without worrying about what would happen when I opened that door. Such a sweet relief 

LnL

[thinkingthinking]

I do have a great counselor, and am so thankful.  When I start to feel like "maybe everything was my fault", she pulls me back in and reminds me of everything that I've been through and how I'm getting stronger.  At the same time, she was very clear earlier this year in telling me that things would get worse before they get better, and that he may overreact to every step of the divorce process.  And that has been very true.  Last week, he was doing well; this week he saw me moving some boxes and now is completely dysregulated. 

And the pain for me has been surprising.  My counselor has encouraged me to just own it and go through it.  So hard when you have buried it so long! But I'm so encouraged by hearing that you found it rewarding in the end.  I spent some time with a college friend last weekend, and it reminded me that I was an independent, strong person before I met my husband, and I'm getting there again.

My daughter is doing very well now that my husband has been out of the house for almost a year.  Before he left, she was constantly concerned about whether he was happy or mad; constantly watching for his reactions.  I've also taken her to counseling to try to work through this.  Counseling, combined with very limited time with him, has been the right thing for her.  I have older children as well (18 and 22), and their contact is very limited with him by their own choice.

Thank you thank you for the encouragement!  Moving day is Saturday!   

[whirlpoollife]

MHO, don't doubt yourself you are doing the right move to divorce.

Myself, 27 yrs of marriage, filed 15 mos ago, seperated about 10 mos ago, still going through the divorce process. $$.

S15 , d12. very alienated at first by him. He and all the in laws blamed me for the break up. In the marriage and still now h is very jealous of kids having any reationship with me.

I am / was a very passive no conflict personality. H undiagnoisd but all my reading shows the cluster personality. I feared him. That is not a happy , healthy realionship.

Staying for so long was like pulling the lever on the slot machine. Not quite the jackpot but almost. He would be nice just a little bit only once in awhile. Wow I thought that all was good and how could I think such awful thoughts about him. Then the dark side would be back.  Stop pulling the lever stop the addiction. Very hard to do because when we do we are thinking for and about ourselves, which is a then threat to the pwPD.

Its 3 mos recovery for every year in an abusive relationship. Now is like I am waking up from a coma. Going back to who I was before I met him. Sureal at times to be me.

Keep moving foward one stage at a time.