Am I asking for trouble?

[popeye6031]

Hi,

I just wanted to give a descripton of my sitatuation here first and then put out a question to you all.

I have been in a relationship with my fiancee for 19 months now and we have know each other for just over 2 years.

I cannot say that she is BPD for sure, but have read about the symptoms and a lot of other posts here, I am very sure she is a high functioning BPD with some NPD tratis also.

She is foreign, so I have spent a lot of time with her in her country. I met her when I was there with my brother on holidays while he planned is wedding.

When we first decided to make a go of it, she was kind of in a relationship with another guy from my country actually.  He was working there for a few months on placement and had to return home.  But he also put in for another 6 month placement just to go back and be with her.

But since he was not there, when I arrived (to attend my borther's wedding), she decided to give me a go.  Well, it turns out we got on famously, while she let her boyfriend think she was pissed at him for not getting back quick enough.

Well, I stayed there for 4 months with her and it was a very rocky 4 months.  There were daily arguments over nothing, she constatnly checked my emails, facebook, phone for things to have a go at me about,

jumping on every word I said and twisting it to make it sound ilke I was being offensicve or imlying I was attracted to another girl. She would go crazy at the simplest of things.  And even though I put my foot down on many occasions, I continued to walk on eggshells, watching every word I said to her and who I would speak to.

I ended up losing a lot of friends I had met out there over her behaviour.  I always forgave her because she was also very sweet and lving to me. I also put her beahaviour down to being inseucre as a result of past relationships.

I soon realised it was to get worse every time I needed to return home for work. 

Within days of leavingI her I was given I was getting all sorts of accusations and abuse thrown at me.  Told how I did not care or was not good enough to her, accused of cheating, accused of being a player.  And this was after I just spent 4 months with her.

I was looking for my next contract (I am an IT consultant) and I had weeks of abuse and accusations.  When I landed

a new contract, I put off the start date for 2 weeks just to spend time with her.

As soon as I returned home from that trip more abuse wasthrown my way and she starting hanging out with another foreign guy who it turns out fell for her hard.

Any time I asked questions about her and the other guy (she was plastering facebook with pics of them both), the argument would get turned around on me.

Eventaully, she got a good job in Macau and went there for 8 months to work and I took 2 separate trips there to spend time with her. 

And of course, the accusations and abuse started the day after I would leave.

I have just come back from spending another 2 months with her(stayed with her faily) and even though I asked her not to, I was landed with abuse and accusations as soon as I landed home.

I have been back 3 weeks now and I think I have had maybe 5 days with no accusations or arguments.

I have worked out that when I spend time with her in an environment where she knows where I am and what I am doing 100% of the time (i.e her family home) she can be mostly normal and limits her

bad beahviour to constantly asking me if I love her,being super demanding and just wanting us to be alone together in a room for hours on end.  But as soon as she is in an environment where she has less control, she flips

and will become super paranoid, senstive, abusive (sometimes physical) and even more demanding.

She gets insanely jealous when I do things with my family and will normally act up.  For instance if I am going to the cinem with my brother, his wife and my mum I will be accused of cheating and will have to send pics to prove

I am really at the cinema.  Or else she will just start an argument over anything to try and ruin my time with them.  It is the same over anything social I do.

I am currently in trouble with her because her phone signal died yesterday and we could not chat for a couple of hours.  I sent her about 10 messages while she was offline as she jsut disappeared.

When she eventually got back onilne, just in time for me gong to the movies, I was given a barage of abuse and asked to send screen grabs of the messages I had sent while she was offline.

No matter how much I argue that her arguments are illogical and not part of a normal healthy relationship, she insists that she knows it to be normal.

As I say, I believe she is a high functioning BPD as she keeps this side of her hidden from most people and is very professional in her job.

I am a very laid back person in general and it takes a lot to get me worked up but the only thing stressing me out is her.  I would say we have had hundereds of

arguments in the last 18 months, with 99% of them started by her over nothing (not putting a like on a post of her on facebook, not messaging her as soon as I wake up etc).

My big concern is that I am applying for a visa for her to come here in August and I am very concerned how she will

behave when she is here.  Will taking her out of her comfort zone make her even more demanding, controlling, jealous, paranoid, abusive and all the other

things that go with having BPD? 

Am I asking for trouble here?

Thank you.

[rollercoaster24]

Hi popeye6031,

I hate to say it, but yes. Please have some sort of backup plan for yourself, (somewhere else to stay) if it all goes pear shaped again, (as it so often does for us).

What you wrote, sounded like a carbon copy of my ex? partner, except that mine is a he, whilst yours is a she.

He still goes on every day about things that happened 3 years ago, even people who haven't been part of my life since!

If you read through a lot of the posts here on similar topics, you will find so many similarities you won't believe it.

So, I know you love her deeply, as all of us here may feel the same towards our significant BP others, but look out for YOU as well, have a back up plan that doesn't leave you completely out in the cold, should you need breathing space.

I'm not sure how you will do this, but there is no harm in a few little white lies, if it means protecting both your own and others safety and privacy. Trust me, and do not feel guilt should you have to.

Take care

Roller

[Southern_Belle]

I concur!

Change can be difficult for non-BPD folks. With BPDers, it's much worse, as you know. There's a good chance she's going to freak out much more so. Like what rollercoaster24 said, have as back-up plan.

Can she easily leave if things get to be too much for her and you?

[Theo41]

I noticed that in this post ,as in many others, the couple (you and your girlfriend) are not married and have no children together. Most of us that need to stay are married and have children. So we have plenty of reason to stick it out and try to make it work against great odds. The condition is treatable only when the person admits they have a problem. Without treatment it almost always does not get better and can get worse. So my point is this: with all the women in the world looking for a relationship, why would someone choose to persue a relationship with a woman with BPD and accept all the abuse, negativity, anxiety, and unpredictability that condition comes with ?

[popeye6031]

Thanks for the replies rollercoaster24. Southern_Belle andTHEO41.  You are all right, I know.  My only escape will be going to work 9-5 every day. I kinda imagine I will find myself enjoying work so much more.  But besides that, I know fine rightly I will not be allowed to do anything without her and if I do, immediately I will be accused of cheating and not loving her.  I have made a commitement to myself that if it is getting to hectic that I will just tell her it is not working and she needs to go home.  I wanted to give us and her the chance with this visit in one way so that I say that I give it a 100% good try, and in another way to prove to myself that it is never gonna work. 

One good thing is that I will be living with my brother and his gf, who is a lovely girl, so my fiancee will probably control herself that little bit better.  She was demanding that we (me) go rent our own place.  But I point blankly refused because I know I would be in for it.  So, will find out if the visa has been granted in a couple of weeks.  If it does not, I know I will be getting the blame.

I will come back and give an update on the situation either way.

Thanks for the advice all.

[hanginon]

Popeye,

I hope I don't come off as negative but I see a train wreck on the horizon.  I think the relationship you have with your brother and his gf are going to be tested to the limits if not damaged by the arrangement you suggest. 

By my observation the behavior you have seen becomes worse to an extent when they are out of their element. You become their complete obsession as far as where you are, what you are doing, who you are with etc. I understand that beauty can be captivating, their idealization can be intoxicating, but you have seen the other side of that coin... .   I would suggest you do some self reflecting and try to investigate why you would want to put yourself in this volitile situation?  What positive aspects of this relationship make you feel the pain is going to be worth the reward?  Great sex? Being drunk on praise when she is in that phase?  It is an unhealthy abusive relationship with someone that has mental illness.  You put your own rational feelings and observations aside and accept irrational behavior. You need to try and understand why you are so willing to put yourself in this situation.

A BPD female has the ability to attract someone just like us who have some insecurities ourselves, a hero or rescuer disposition... . in my opinion you are headed right down the road for a whole lot of hurt and possibly damaging the relationship with your brother.  Since I married my BPDw I have two brothers that basically will not speak to me. They avoid any contact with me.  Why? Because they see her for what she is and what she puts me through. I am in a situation that is difficult to get out of being married to her.  She is low functioning and does not have a job, if we do divorce I am sure I will be stuck paying support while she runs around.  I'm in a hard spot that I would hate to see you in.  There may come a time that this is the price I am willing to pay to be at peace... . or at least more at peace than I have been.

I hope that doesn't sound too negative but it is a dose of reality that I think you need to give serious consideration to.  Unless they are in a treatment program and you educate yourself on how to deal with her... . it is only going to get worse.

Good Luck

Hanginon

[popeye6031]

Hi Hanginon,

Thanks for the message, I respect your honesty.  It has crossed my mind that she will ry to sabotage my relationship with my brother and his gf.  She was trying her best to insist that we got our onw place to rent, during her stay.  I point blank refused this as I know that she would try to isolate me away from everyone, especially my brother and mum.

I have always had it in my head to give her this chance at coming over here but also to end it if her behaviour spiralled out of control.

Easier said than done, I know.  And I am probably being very stupid in getting her here when I know the inevitable is going to happen.  I know I am someone that hates to be accused of soemthing I did not do (which is very often with her).  So, I wanted to do this, so that I coudl never be accused of not trying in our relationship, more so by other people because I know she will always accuse me of it, no matter what.

The visa has yet to be granted, will ifnd out in a couple of weeks.  If not, I think the following months apart will force us apart anyway as I cannot take much more.  If she gets it, I am probably in for a worse time than I have already had.

I know I am asking for it. I am too laid back.

Cheers.