Finally, after months of trying to be friends, I've gone NC

[causticdork]

Holy crap, the onslaught of crazy, while not unexpected, is still mind-boggling.  She's texted and emailed (I blocked her on FB) dozens of times since I told her we wouldn't have any further contact yesterday morning.  This wasn't out of nowhere.  We were doing okay as friends for a little while, but as soon as her life started to suck and she got down on herself, she instantly got nasty and horrible with me, even though the things in her life that are going wrong have absolutely nothing to do with me.  I sent her a very amicable message about how we're clearly not good for each other and that while I wish her nothing but the best, we need to say goodbye and move on with our lives.

I had forgotten how cruel and petty she could really be.  In the past 36 hours I've been accused of everything from manipulating her to playing games with her heart to never really loving her to still being in love with her to trying to ruin her relationship and essentially being the reason for almost everything that's wrong in her life.  I know I'm doing better now though, because a month ago I would have been baited into responding by now.  There's nothing like accusing me of things I didn't do to get a rise out of me, especially considering how straight-forward and honest I was with her throughout all our time together.  I haven't even picked up my phone and stared at it wanting to respond this time though.  She's thrown down every twisted trick that she knows to get me to engage, and for the first time it's not working at all. 

I just keep re-reading the lessons on beliefs that get us stuck, and the one that's been my saving grace is, "The belief that if you say it louder you'll be heard."  I think I finally understand that I can't reason with her.  I always knew that, but I couldn't get myself to stop trying.  No healthy, normal person would respond to an ex who very amicably suggested going our separate ways in life with a tirade of hate and vitriol.  And I could make up a concise Powerpoint presentation explaining why all the things she's saying are not true. I could make her take notes and then complete a quiz at the end to ensure she'd absorbed all the reading materials, but in the end the truth only sticks with her until it's no longer congruent with the reality she wants to believe and project. 

Thanks to everyone on this board.  I've been in lurker mode for quite a while because I was trying to decide what I wanted to do, but there were days where my head was in a million different places and I felt like I was drowning in all the confusion, and on those days I would come to the board and read dozens of stories just like my own, and realize that making sense of her behavior was impossible because she didn't make decisions based on logic or adult reasoning.  Someone posted on another thread that their arrested emotional development meant any argument you had with them pretty much amounted to, "You won't let me play with your toy so you're not allowed in my sandbox and you're not invited to my birthday party!"  I refuse to stress out anymore because an emotional toddler wants to believe her terrible life choices are my fault.  I'll go get my own sandbox, thanks. 

[Surnia]

Hi causticdork

I love your picture with the conzice powerpoint presentation! And no one would make this for toddlers, right?

Many here are struggling with being friends, It often does not work.

Keep going! 

[danley]

I had forgotten how cruel and petty she could really be.  In the past 36 hours I've been accused of everything from manipulating her to playing games with her heart to never really loving her to still being in love with her to trying to ruin her relationship and essentially being the reason for almost everything that's wrong in her life. 

I got chills reading this part. My ex did the same thing to me over and over for 3 more th's after the breakup. I just didn't understand why he'd say this. And now I believe he did it probably because his need to project his own desires as well as it being the irrational thinking and disorder. With my ex I believe he so much wanted to erase his past because it caused him pain. I'm not saying that I caused him pain but I still think I am a reminder of how he hurt me. I also still believe that he cannot carry on his facade of being perfect with friends and family with me around. It does hurt me and I've pointed it out and he's admitted to it but yet he still chooses to use me as a scapegoat.

He and I were on a good run of being friends. But when I started to feel uncomfortable that he was being secretive I asked him what was up. He said I knew he was dating someone and he was just trying to be friendly because I'm a good person. Bull. I have great instincts and right now my instincts tell me he was manipulating me for the last two months. His gluttony of desiring to be wanted was what it was. Enjoying daring someone and being able to still have the comfort of my validation and support was what it was. Why would he be vulnerable with me and tell me his fears and deepest feelings again and not think that this wouldn't be perceived as personal? I think he wants to have his cake and eat it too. He's thrilled with fact that he has a shiny new toy but finds comfort and solace in me, someone familiar. And so when I brought up that it made me feel uneasy that he was coming to me with his issues but yet hiding that he was still dating, it made him react the way I knew he would. His kind demeanor and caring went out the door. Now I'm a bad person because I called him out on his secrets. I actually hadbbelieved he might have wanted to work on us. But now I think he was just stroking his ego by manipulating the situation. He knows I care for him and still have feelings for him and I cannot see how he wouldn't be able to see that being emotional with me while dating someoneis hurtful. Back to square one for me in the healing process.

[causticdork]

I feel for you.  Just remember that it's not really square one you're going back to.  You're learning.  Each time I've attempted NC with my ex I've gotten a little better at it.  The gaslighting and manipulation are so much clearer once you're safely outside the relationship, and keeping them around, even as friends, just makes it harder to find that clarity.  Still, I would have stayed friends with mine if she could have respected any of my boundaries.  She was really good for about a month, and up until last week I thought we were actually going to have a long-term, functional friendship, but then she had a bad day and wanted to take it out on me.  I told her I wasn't her punching bag, and she lost her mind on me, so I said this is the last straw and this was her final chance.  You can only forgive the same behavior so many times before you go from understanding to enabling.

[recoil]

I thought about trying to be friends with mine.  However, I knew it would *still* be a one-way street.  That's not a true friendship.  Nope, want no part of it, period.