Values based boundaries

[crazedncrazymom]

Hi ladies,

I have read in a lot of your posts where you are talking about values based boundaries specifically in terms of respecting each family member.  I love the idea of having those rules in my life.  If you cannot respect me then I will ask you to leave the room.  However everytime I think about making that officially part of our family rules, I see it backfiring on me.  I can see DD16 constantly accusing me of being disrespectful to her and demanding that I leave the room.  I probably wouldn't see my living room for a year.  How does that work within the family dynamic?  Are those just specifically for the parent to enforce?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

Our family values are for everyone... . at times I get too upset and my dd16 will point that out and I try and calm down and remove myself from the situation BUT my dd16 also says things that are not true... . like I am yelling when I am not... . she says this when she doesn't like what I am saying... . like your are grounded or you have lost phone etc... . so be careful... . my dd projects on to me and it is usually her that is yelling.

I think if your list was detailed it would help... . being disrespectful is what exactly? yelling, swearing? calling names?

[vivekananda]

ccmom that is such a good question I think.

You know it wasn't till I had done a lot of reading and thinking and discussing that the penny finally dropped for me   

I have had solidly though out values for many years. Just 3. They were respect, tolerance and co-operation. I was a teacher and it became practice to define our classroom values and then ensure that they were adhered to. At the start of every year, I introduced the values to my class and told them all behaviour would be measured by them. That if a student acted against them, then their behaviour would be called to account.

So, I got used thinking that behaviours were about how other people had to behave. Then, as I said, the penny dropped. The idea of me having values were for me to determine my behaviour and how I treated the world.

So, if you need to have a values clarification exercise in your house, it is a standard that everyone would have to agree to and adhere to.

If you had a value of 'respect' then voices raised in anger would not be respectful, not considering the different needs of people in the house (eg children having a set bed time routine) would be disrespectful, not taking into account what it takes to keep a house running (by comong late to dinner, not doing chores etc) then that is disrespectful. There are commonly accepted standards of behaviour and while our house may be more relaxed than a classroom, the basic standard of behaviour is understood.

If you have a boundary that people in this house are treated with respect at all times, and your dd says to you, you are treating me with disrespect, then I think you should validate her feelings and apologise if you believe you are. If you don't think you are, then in honesty, you should ask her to explain why she thinks you are being disrespectful etc... .

Thing is, having a pw BPD in our lives teaches us how to be better people. That is the bitter sweet reality - if we are willing to accept them, the benefits are there for us. We also have to learn how to change.

Now my values have changed. They include: acceptance (not tolerance), respect and co-operation. What has changed is how I use my values and for me acceptance is paramount.

cheers,

Vivek    

[crazedncrazymom]

Thanks jellibeans and Vivek .  Wow this is all so hard.  I know exactly what you mean about my daughter making me a better person.  I have had to do so much soul searching since all of this started.  I've changed so much in how I think and react to things.  I wish I had known all this years ago.  I'm really going to have to give more thought about the values based boundaries for our family.  A lot of my fears are exactly what jellibeans stated.  She will accuse me of yelling or being disrespectful because I am enforcing rules.  I'm not sure if that's a can of worms I want to open.

[lbjnltx]

 I determine what my boundaries are.  My boundaries are based on what is valuable to me.  I cannot control what others do, I can only control myself.

When I state a boundary I am the one who enforces that boundary through my actions. If I choose to try to communicate with someone who is yelling at me that is my choice.  I might offer a suggestion that we table the discussion, take self time to calm down, request that they lower their voice.  Since I cannot control what anyone else does, ultimately it is up to me to enforce my boundary.

If yelling at me is a boundary violation then I enforce my boundary by leaving the room.  I don't depend on the person yelling at me to leave.

It is important to think through what you are willing to do to enforce your boundaries before you set them.   

[vivekananda]

yep, just so.

dd and I agreed last time we met that if either of us started to get heated, then either one of us could leave to resume at a later time.

Of course, she probably has forgotten that conversation, but it was agreed to and I will stick by that boundary.

Vivek    

[pessim-optimist]

I determine what my boundaries are.  My boundaries are based on what is valuable to me.  I cannot control what others do, I can only control myself.

When I state a boundary I am the one who enforces that boundary through my actions. If I choose to try to communicate with someone who is yelling at me that is my choice.  I might offer a suggestion that we table the discussion, take self time to calm down, request that they lower their voice.  Since I cannot control what anyone else does, ultimately it is up to me to enforce my boundary.

If yelling at me is a boundary violation then I enforce my boundary by leaving the room.  I don't depend on the person yelling at me to leave.

It is important to think through what you are willing to do to enforce your boundaries before you set them.   

I like that.

ccmom,

After reading your post, I was thinking:

Values based boundaries are different than the rules of the house... .

And also - parents are the authority in the house; they decide what happens (i.e. decide what is acceptable/unacceptable and what consequences are to follow.) That role cannot be shared with a child/adolescent... .