Going back to court for custody, seeking advice

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello All,

It's been awhile since I've posted anything.  I've been sharing joint custody with my BPDx since November.  I have 2 children, D8, D9.  For a while everything seemed to be going smoothly with the shared custody, aside from a few behavioral issues with the children at school once in a while in her custody.  A few weeks ago I took them on a trip to see my family for 2 weeks.  I have never seen them so kind, considerate, and happy around each other.  It made me realize just how well they do when I have custody of them.  I have noticed that I have to correct their behavior whenever they come back from xBPD's home.  Usually they bicker about little things.  While on vacation I recieved a call from an old neighbor across the street (who had agreed to keep an eye on my children for me) asking if I had the children.  My divorce decree states that my children are to have no contact with xBPD's boyfriend (he is named specifically because of a violent past and criminal record with CDV's).  Neighbor explained that the boyfriend had been living at expd's home for quite some time and was there 90% of the time.  This explained why exBPD had been so cordial with me.  ExBPD has had them for the past week. 

On a hunch one night last week I drove through the old nieghborhood to see both her car and his in the driveway while she had custody of the children.  Re-signed the contract with my PI the following day and contacted my lawyer.  Neighbor has seen exBPD's boyfriend around the children numerous times and even has photo's.  She hadn't let me know previously because she thought that the divorce decree had changed.  I'm utilizing my PI to get a picture of him around my children as I don't want to put the neighbor in the middle of things.  She has been very informative on the issue and I respect that.  She is also afraid to get too involved in the court proceedings for fear of retaliation from exBPD and boyfriend, so she doesn't want to give her testimony.  At this point I am waiting on PI to catch them with some photo's.  In the past I have asked my children directly if they had been around exBPD's boyfriend and the answer is always no, so she has got both kids lying to me about it.  I have been advised by a few to get Child protective services involved, but need to gain the evidence from PI before I do that.  I have noticed a major change in D9's behavior and attitude toward me now that they are in my custody again.  Just seeking advice and support on anything else that I can do to make this go well for me in court.  Responses are greatly appreciated. 

T. Moore

[T. Moore]

Hello All,

It's been awhile since I've posted anything.  I've been sharing joint custody with my BPDx since November.  I have 2 children, D8, D9.  For a while everything seemed to be going smoothly with the shared custody, aside from a few behavioral issues with the children at school once in a while in her custody.  A few weeks ago I took them on a trip to see my family for 2 weeks.  I have never seen them so kind, considerate, and happy around each other.  It made me realize just how well they do when I have custody of them.  I have noticed that I have to correct their behavior whenever they come back from xBPD's home.  Usually they bicker about little things.  While on vacation I recieved a call from an old neighbor across the street (who had agreed to keep an eye on my children for me) asking if I had the children.  My divorce decree states that my children are to have no contact with xBPD's boyfriend (he is named specifically because of a violent past and criminal record with CDV's).  Neighbor explained that the boyfriend had been living at expd's home for quite some time and was there 90% of the time.  This explained why exBPD had been so cordial with me.  ExBPD has had them for the past week. 

On a hunch one night last week I drove through the old nieghborhood to see both her car and his in the driveway while she had custody of the children.  Re-signed the contract with my PI the following day and contacted my lawyer.  Neighbor has seen exBPD's boyfriend around the children numerous times and even has photo's.  She hadn't let me know previously because she thought that the divorce decree had changed.  I'm utilizing my PI to get a picture of him around my children as I don't want to put the neighbor in the middle of things.  She has been very informative on the issue and I respect that.  She is also afraid to get too involved in the court proceedings for fear of retaliation from exBPD and boyfriend, so she doesn't want to give her testimony.  At this point I am waiting on PI to catch them with some photo's.  In the past I have asked my children directly if they had been around exBPD's boyfriend and the answer is always no, so she has got both kids lying to me about it.  I have been advised by a few to get Child protective services involved, but need to gain the evidence from PI before I do that.  I have noticed a major change in D9's behavior and attitude toward me now that they are in my custody again.  Just seeking advice and support on anything else that I can do to make this go well for me in court.  Responses are greatly appreciated. 

T. Moore

[momtara]

Sounds like you are doing exactly the right thing.  What's the issue with the ex?

If your kids are willing to lie, they may defend their mom if you go to court.  That's just something to anticipate.  They may just feel bad for her or not want to cross her.

It does sound good that when they are with you, they behave better and get to act normal for a change.

[T. Moore]

Momtara,

Thanks for the response.  My issue with the exBPD is that she has a violent criminal living with my children while in her care against court orders.  Based on my own experience with exBPD of 12 years, I know it's only a matter of time before violence between the two erupts, as both are physically abusive.  I am trying to protect my children from being in that environment anymore.  I understand the children are protecting her, but have my suspicions that she has told them not to say anything about the boyfriend or they won't get to see her anymore.  Lying is never ok and I don't want my children being raised in an environment where they think that it is.  She is an alcoholic/pill popper combined with BPD and that to me makes for a dangerous situation.  I have also recently discovered that she has been transporting our children around in an unregistered vehicle since October (I signed the title over).  Her and the boyfriend have been using the same tags, which are contractor truck tags, and switch them back and forth from vehicle to vehicle.  This also makes me wonder if she even has insurance on the vehicle.  Based on her driving record and the amount of accidents she has been in, I'm leary of her transporting my children in this manner.  I also anticipate that if I do get full custody, my children will initially resent me for doing so.  This is a sacrifice I am willing to make in the short term for them to have a stable, healthy life in the long term.  I just pray one day they will see that I did everything I could to protect them from her crazyness.   

[Matt]

I agree with Momtara - sounds like you're going about this very well.  Getting the PI involved to document what's going on is a great idea;  where I live, a PI is registered with the state, and will lose his license if he lies under oath, so their word is taken as fact - a PI is a very good witness and is likely to get good documentation.

To get a change of custody, you probably have to show significant new information, or a change in status - something very significant that is different from when custody was decided before.

If you can show that Mom has been violent in the past;  and that her boyfriend has been violent, and especially if he has been violent with kids;  and that the kids are exposed to the boyfriend, in violation of the court order - all that should serve as "new information" I hope.

I assume you already raised concerns about Mom's drinking.  Do you have evidence that she "pops" illegal drugs or unprescribed prescription drugs?  (One of the most common things now is prescription opiates like Vicodin and Oxycontin, and other presciption depressants like Valium and Xanax.)

I think you're right to focus first on what custody arrangement will be best for the kids, and then figure out how to explain it to them so they won't resent you too much.  You might consider getting them into counseling now, so whatever happens they will be gaining coping skills to deal with it.

[broken3]

T. Moore,

Google Brinno TLC 2000.

It willl run for a whole week. I set mine for every 2 seconds.

time and date stamps everything.

super high resolution.

Costs me $149.00. Best money I ever spent. After a week. Pop another chip in and go... .

[T. Moore]

Matt,

I know she pops prescription drugs, sometimes her prescription, but she doesn't use them responsibly.  The PI can also use any information I get from the neighbor and put it in his report.  ExBPD was very violent with me, but there are no reports.  I still have all the information I gathered during the seperation (which was a lot that I never had to use).  I settled in court for the sake of the children, so none of that was brought up, except for the adultery.  She is not allowed to drink or abuse drugs around the children and I can test her at any time.  She typically abuses Benzo's (Lorazepam).  I once admitted her to the psych ward for an overdose on that.  Also in the divorce decree are no overnight guests of the opposite sex, so that's another violation with the boyfriend living there.  The boyfriend has a violent criminal record (several CDV's).  I have already thought about the counseling, just need to discuss it with exBPD before I do it, but do not want to tip my hand to her just yet.  If she suspects anything she will stop what she is doing wrong, which will make it harder to gather the info I need.

Broken3,

That may help, but I am relying on the PI as it will look better to the courts and they won't question what PI says.  If I use something like that the courts may frown upon that as stalking or something.  Just trying to go about this in the right way.

Thanks for the suggestions all and if you think of anything else please let me know.

T. Moore.   

[Matt]

Information you gathered before the settlement may not be admissible.  In my state, if you want to go back to court, it has to be based on new stuff since the settlement (I think).

Be careful about making decisions based on legal matters, at the expense of what is best for the kids.  If counseling is best for the kids, then it's best for the kids - either do it without consulting the other parent (which is what I did and that worked well) or write her an e-mail proposing it so there is a record that you tried and she blocked it.

Drugs - you mean that you can request that she be tested, and then she will be tested?  Can you do that as often as you want?  Might be good to have a record of more than one violation.  But if she is "abusing" drugs that were prescribed for her, that may be too subjective - your opinion that she's abusing them but not illegal.

If she's an addict, and she's not getting effective treatment, she will relapse.  The challenge may be knowing when, so you can get her tested to document it.

[catnap]

She is not allowed to drink or abuse drugs around the children and I can test her at any time. 

Any certain type of drug testing you are limited to?  Hair follicle testing can go back 6 months. . .in other words you could get 6 months worth of drug/alcohol use in one test.  Google hair follicle testing and if interested, discuss with your attorney how it would work/not work for your case.

 

[Matt]

She is not allowed to drink or abuse drugs around the children and I can test her at any time. 

Any certain type of drug testing you are limited to?  Hair follicle testing can go back 6 months. . .in other words you could get 6 months worth of drug/alcohol use in one test.  Google hair follicle testing and if interested, discuss with your attorney how it would work/not work for your case.

 

In many American cities, there is a place called "TASC" - not sure what it stands for - that does court-ordered drug and alcohol testing.  (My son had to do that when he was on probation after a DUI.)  They monitor to make sure it's your urine.  Maybe there is a place like that used by the courts where you live.

[T. Moore]

She is not allowed to drink or abuse drugs around the children and I can test her at any time. 

Any certain type of drug testing you are limited to?  Hair follicle testing can go back 6 months. . .in other words you could get 6 months worth of drug/alcohol use in one test.  Google hair follicle testing and if interested, discuss with your attorney how it would work/not work for your case.

 

In many American cities, there is a place called "TASC" - not sure what it stands for - that does court-ordered drug and alcohol testing.  (My son had to do that when he was on probation after a DUI.)  They monitor to make sure it's your urine.  Maybe there is a place like that used by the courts where you live.

Matt,

There are several places in the local area I can send her, the problem is like you said, knowing when she is doing it.  I don't ask my children because I will not put them in the middle of it.  Hair folicles won't do much good because she can do what she wants when not with the children.  I can test her at any time and she has 6 hrs to take the test or it's considered positive.  I would have to request her to take it after she has had custody of the children and hope that she had been drinking.  There are alcohol tests that go back 3-4 days which is usually the timetable of kid swaps.  It's a $50 charge that I would have to pay upfront unless it is positive, then she would have to pay me back.   

[Matt]

So you know your options, and you have some idea of what she may be doing.

One strategy would be to have her tested immediately after she has had the kids, each time, and let the chips fall where they may.  Between now and court you might incur hundreds of dollars in costs to do that, and the tests might come up clean;  then you'd have handed her something positive, at your own expense, but you would at least know the kids are safer than you thought.  And she would know that she can't drink when she has the kids.

Or you could wait til a few weeks before court, and surprise her.  That would cost less, but might only give you one violation, not a pattern, or maybe none - again, she would have something positive, at your expense (but less expense than more tests).

If she is an addict - and I'll use my son as an example - he knew that if he failed a breathalyzer he would go back to prison - a horrible experience he had sworn he would never risk again.  He lasted about 48 hours before he drank, knowing he could be tested at any time.  This happened more than once!  He's very smart, and understood the rules very well, but his addiction would not let him be sober, til he got treatment.

If she's like that, I would suggest some randomness - maybe not every time she has the kids - test her once, and then wait a few weeks, and tst her again and again, but not on regular intervals, so she doesn't figure out a pattern.

[Free One]

If court order says no bf around kids, and she is allowing it, you can file civil contempt charges. Good idea with the PI for documentation.

I would think after you prove contempt, you could also then prove an unstable/unhealthy environment and that would be a valid reason to modify custody.

[T. Moore]

Matt,

Excellent ideas.  I think I will go with the randomly testing her, but only after I have evidence of the bf being around the children.  I don't want to tip her off that something is up or that I am aware of anything that is going on.  My advantage is that she thinks I'm stupid and don't notice things!  I dropped them off on my way to work this morning, saw him driving away from the her house.  I dropped them off and as I was leaving, saw him driving back to exBPD's house.  Spoke with PI and as I wasn't "playing detective" and saw these things it will be submissable and he thinks along with photo evidence things are going good.  He said that they just gave me some very strong evidence by doing that and being blatantly open about it.

Free One,

Let's hope so!  Yes, he is named specifically in court orders to have NO CONTACT whatsoever with my children.  I also have a picture of what looks to be a bruise on the back of D9's neck while in her custody.  Both exBPD and D9 say its from brushing her hair in the shower.  It is a very unstable/unhealthy environment.  Both are unstable individuals and have violent histories, only a matter of time before something blows up between them.  I highly doubt that it hasn't happened already.

Thank you all for the advice and support, much appreciated!

T. Moore