Boyfriend's daughter

[Myheadisspinning]

I wrote hear a year or two ago about this. I became engages to this man, whom I love. His daughter (and likely her sisters) all suffer from BPD. They all will have nothing to do with me. Although I have only met some of them briefly (meaning once for less than a half an hour) they all decided to make me the devil because their father choose to spend more time with me than them. They are all grown women and all but one is married. The youngest is very dependent on her father, financially and emotionally. I had a decent relationship with her, but she insists on seeing her father every week for dinner and I am not invited. She is 20 and my kids are a year or two older and younger. They have only met her once and were very kind to her but she refused to even look at them. She spends money recklessly, her father still supports her, she sends him texts every other day saying he doesn't love her or that he is the greatest father. He says she only says she loves him after he gives her money. She lives on her own in a apartment paid for by him. She manipulates him by acting depressed and trying to get sympathy. A psychologist told him that she is triangulating our relationship by insisting on seeing him every week without me. I have reached out to her to assure her how much her father cares for her and she ignores my emails. I really don't want to have anything to do with his daughters anymore as they want me to go away and mistreat me and him. He feels torn as they are his daughters but he feels that they don't care about his happiness or respect him.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Myheadisspinning]

Okay, so nobody wants to reply? No one has been there done that. I guess I won't post here anymore.

[Fay]

Sorry no one replied.  It is a very painful and confusing situation.  For me I come here to write it out.  Makes me feel better.  What can you do it is your bf choice to keep paying for his daughters?  You can keep supporting him and his daughters emotionally.  Don't give up.   What do you want?  What would make you happy? 

Fay

[lovesjazz]

I am not in anyones shoes, so I am just guessing here. Loving someone is putting their happiness before your own.

It sounds like youve tried to befriend them. it seems the choice is up to your bf.

[pessim-optimist]

Hi Myheadisspinning,

I am sorry you are going through this. Being rejected by your fiance's daughters must hurt, and the pull between the three of you (with the youngest one) must feel uncomfortable... .

As I see it, you have no obligation to be in a relationship with his daughters, if you and they are not interested in it. Your fiance will always be a dad to them, and he will have to manage his own relationship with them. If he gets mistreated by them, and feels like he is being disrespected, maybe he can learn how to better protect himself with some healthy boundaries.

It's encouraging to hear that he decided to talk to a psychologist (does he have a regular therapist?).

Does he know about BPD? Would he be interested in learning more about it, and how to better manage an r/s with a pwBPD?

Loving someone, who has a child wBPD adds a burden onto your relationship. My questions to you would be: Are you willing to carry that burden? And: Is your fiance willing to work with you to try to balance his r/s w/his children, so that his r/s with you remains strong and healthy?

All the best to you,

Pessim-optimist

[musicfan42]

I don't think it's reasonable of you to expect an invite to dinner with your fiance and youngest daughter. She's his daughter, his flesh and blood at the end of the day so it's understandable that she wants to spend some quality time with her dad.

The youngest daughter is only 20 so it's understandable that she is still dependent on her father. You mention that his other daughters are married but just because someone gets married doesn't mean that they no longer need their father. You need to respect the fact that his daughters want to spend time with him and allow that to happen more going forward.

I also think you're overstepping the line by emailing her to assure her that her father cares about her-it's not your place to do that. Whether or not his daughter has BPD is ultimately irrelevant-it's his daughter not yours. I think the best thing you could do would be to respect the daughters' boundaries by a) not trying to force your friendship on them but instead, being civil and polite with them, b) allow your fiance to parent his own children however he deems fits. I would therefore advise you to check out the boundaries thread on the workshop section of this website to work on your own boundaries in this situation.

[Myheadisspinning]

I don't think it's reasonable of you to expect an invite to dinner with your fiance and youngest daughter. She's his daughter, his flesh and blood at the end of the day so it's understandable that she wants to spend some quality time with her dad.

The youngest daughter is only 20 so it's understandable that she is still dependent on her father. You mention that his other daughters are married but just because someone gets married doesn't mean that they no longer need their father. You need to respect the fact that his daughters want to spend time with him and allow that to happen more going forward.

I also think you're overstepping the line by emailing her to assure her that her father cares about her-it's not your place to do that. Whether or not his daughter has BPD is ultimately irrelevant-it's his daughter not yours. I think the best thing you could do would be to respect the daughters' boundaries by a) not trying to force your friendship on them but instead, being civil and polite with them, b) allow your fiance to parent his own children however he deems fits. I would therefore advise you to check out the boundaries thread on the workshop section of this website to work on your own boundaries in this situation.

Wow. Your reply was pretty strong and nasty, might I add. I wrote to her based on the advise of a therapist. I think I have been pretty darn patient and understanding. As far as their weekly dinners, I had no problem with it, yeah it hurts my feelings that I am excluded ALL the time, but more than one therapist advised this to be a slippery slope. I was told this is a form of triangulation and would damage and weaken my relationship with my fiancé. Just because she is 20 doesn't mean that her feelings are more important than anyone else's . And I do respect the fact that his other daughters want to spend time with him. So don't make assumptions like that. They don't want him to have a woman in his life. They also want to call all the shots. I don't care what they think anymore, I just feel sorry for him.

[lbjnltx]

hello Myheadisspinning   

Welcome back!

So sorry that your feelings are not considered when decisions and choices are being made by your boyfriend and his children, that is hurtful.  While there may be some triangulation occurring (a natural part of a family system), you do have the choice to move to the center and be a neutral/stabilizing force for your own well being/benefit.

Letting go of expectations is also beneficial when you are dealing with pwBPD/step children type situations. I let go of any expectations regarding my r/s with my step kids long ago and decided to let our r/s develop naturally according to who they are/where they are in the moment while I protected myself with my value based boundaries.

I too have hurt for my husband while I watched him being taken advantage of by his children (and they are not diagnosed w/BPD and do have issues... . who doesn't).  The best thing that I can do is support him by validating his feelings and asking him questions about how I can help.  I have offered suggestions to him and had to wait for him to make his own decisions.  In other words... . I have to let him decide what his own boundaries are while I enforce my own.  For example... . step son calls and needs money to give to his current live in girlfriend so that he can get her to move out.  I tell my husband "I know he is in a bind and unhappy.  I don't want to give him money to solve his problems, he needs to figure this out on his own.  Unfortunatly the more painful the solution the greater the chances are that he won't make the same mistake again.  I won't rob him of the lesson by easing his pain.  Ultimately it is up to you to decide if you will give him the money."  Husband then has to make his own decision based on his boundaries and how much pain he is willing to tolerate when saying "yes" and when saying "no".

I hope this helps.

 

lbjnltx

[Myheadisspinning]

hello Myheadisspinning   

Welcome back!

So sorry that your feelings are not considered when decisions and choices are being made by your boyfriend and his children, that is hurtful.  While there may be some triangulation occurring (a natural part of a family system), you do have the choice to move to the center and be a neutral/stabilizing force for your own well being/benefit.

Letting go of expectations is also beneficial when you are dealing with pwBPD/step children type situations. I let go of any expectations regarding my r/s with my step kids long ago and decided to let our r/s develop naturally according to who they are/where they are in the moment while I protected myself with my value based boundaries.

I too have hurt for my husband while I watched him being taken advantage of by his children (and they are not diagnosed w/BPD and do have issues... . who doesn't).  The best thing that I can do is support him by validating his feelings and asking him questions about how I can help.  I have offered suggestions to him and had to wait for him to make his own decisions.  In other words... . I have to let him decide what his own boundaries are while I enforce my own.  For example... . step son calls and needs money to give to his current live in girlfriend so that he can get her to move out.  I tell my husband "I know he is in a bind and unhappy.  I don't want to give him money to solve his problems, he needs to figure this out on his own.  Unfortunatly the more painful the solution the greater the chances are that he won't make the same mistake again.  I won't rob him of the lesson by easing his pain.  Ultimately it is up to you to decide if you will give him the money."  Husband then has to make his own decision based on his boundaries and how much pain he is willing to tolerate when saying "yes" and when saying "no".

I hope this helps.

 

lbjnltx

Thanks so much. That was so much more helpful than some other responses. Ultimately, the decisions are partners make, whether they agree with us or not, will effect both of us. I think that is where the relationship gets hurt. A lot of what goes on between him and his kids involves money and entitlement. Unfortunately he getting hit up for money all the time effects the two of us and thus causes friction. Once your an adult, you need to be responsible for your own finances. That is how my kids are being raised. Poor decisions have consequences and he always rescues and the cycle continues it makes me sick.

[lbjnltx]

Very true Myheadisspinning!

I read one simple paragraph to my husband in a book called "I Don't Have To Make Everything All Better" that really hit home with him and caused him to be ok with saying "no".  Basically it explained how rescuing adult children (and even younger children) from the naturally consequences of their choices is doing them an injustice and is really poor parenting.  My husband was then able to see that he needed to make a change for everyone's benefit.  Then he was open to learning how to manage these requests for money differently.  The book then went on to explain what to say and how to validate without rescuing and violating the parents values.  It is a "win win" for everyone.  That doesn't necessarily mean that the adult child will be happy... . it does however change the course of our lives.

Would your husband be open to reading this book?

"I Don't Have To Make Everything All Better"

It is not about BPD, it is all about the power of validation and boundaries.

lbjnltx

[Myheadisspinning]

Would your husband be open to reading this book?

"I Don't Have To Make Everything All Better"

It is not about BPD, it is all about the power of validation and boundaries.

lbjnltx[/quote]
I am getting this book. Thanks! I like the use of books in situations like these. It's concrete, readily available and hard to argue with.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

I know you can both benefit from the book!

Cheap used on amazon.

[Fay]

Hi, I am so glad you got the answers you needed and didn't give up. 

Fay

[hoping4hope]

Hello myheadspinning,

It is difficult when your existence in your significant other's life becomes an attack point for a BPDstep.

Since the stepchild is doing what they can to get rid of you and taking what opportunities they can to drive a wedge between you and your spouse, it is a tricky not to come off as doing the same thing when you are just trying to say, "look how this person is treating me."

Keeping out of pulling your spouse from both sides is nearly impossible, because you need to defend yourself against false accusations.

Can't tell you the number of times, false accusations would come from the mouth of my spouse clearly originating from the mind of his son.

It took awhile to figure this out, because the step was pretending to like me, while spinning lies about me behind my back.

I finally caught on, stopped all my useless attempts to reach out to the BPDstep and waged a battle of endurance.

Stay calm, speak the truth, let him wear himself out and show his true animosity towards me and brother it came out in a blast.

He really hates me, because I wasn't in his plans, I don't do what he wants me to do when he wants me to do it and I say no to his attempts to run the family to suit himself. The marriage was over for 10 years before I even met his dad, but somehow I became the reason his parents split up.

So I do understand.  I think the weekly exclusive dinners are a bit much and plainly show her refusal to accept you as part of his life.

but really the decision is yours... . in the end... . your fiancé agrees to these dinners... . can you live with that?

If it upsets you, you should be equally concerned with his acquiescence to this weekly meeting.

And truly it is only the decision you can make.  It certainly seems to be making you unhappy.

lbjnltx said a wise thing about the father of pwBPD... . "I have to let him decide what his own boundaries are while I enforce my own."

It is hard to watch when his son treats him badly and shows disrespect to him.

My spouse was unable to enforce any boundaries, so I had to enforce my own or I would have resented my husband and lost respect for myself. Haven't lived all these years and survived the events I have to be ordered about by an immature twenty-something.

Now that this has been made clear to all parties, things are much calmer.  But my relationship with my husband won't be the same it is a bit tarnished, and I have lost a little of the admiration I had for my spouse.  Though I love him still.

BPD gives off such wide flung collateral damage

.

[Myheadisspinning]

Hi hoping4, thanks for your advice. I too am at a point of stopping my attempts to reach out to this person. I have my own kids, who love me and treat me with respect. My fiancé has a definite problem with boundaries and I think he just can't do it. The other issue is money. She has drained him of his finances and continues to as we speak. Ultimately, I am concerned that I will have to support him. He claims that this will end this year, but I know he can't live up to that as she will continue to manipulate him. I love him dearly but I don't want to be in dire financial straits in ten years and the drama is getting to me. What is the next step?

[griz]

I see that these things can be quite upsetting.  Have you and your fiance sat down and tried comprimising a bit.  He probably needs his alone time with his children but maybe you could join them once a month or every other week.  My husband and I do things with our girls together but there are times that one of us will make a plan with either both our daughters or one of them for alone time.  This works for everyone because it nutures each seperate relationship. 

The money issue seems like something you should be very clear about before you marry.  I don't know what state you live in and every state has different laws referencing marital assets.  Sounds like you really need to discuss this. 

Thanks so much. That was so much more helpful than some other responses.[/color]

Just a side note here I feel compelled to say.  Sometimes when we are angry or upset we all can say things that can be hurtful.  Everyone on the board tries to be helpful.  Not everyone's advice fits all situations but I have found that all advice and suggestions is given from the heart.  I think you will find a variety of suggestions here and hopefully find some answers.

Griz

[Myheadisspinning]

I see that these things can be quite upsetting.  Have you and your fiance sat down and tried comprimising a bit.  He probably needs his alone time with his children but maybe you could join them once a month or every other week

Griz

This has been tried and I am treated with contempt. She won't look at me, she grimaces, she asks to leave. Sorry, at this stage in my life I don't feel i need to put up with this crap. I have only been nice, kind and generous, she just wants to cut me out, as she has with the other people in her life. Very sad.

[hoping4hope]

Wow, this sounds so familiar, heapspinning.  Should say that I get along with everyone else in my spouse's family, his church and really I'm a friendly and fun person.  But my mere existence is abhorrent to my step and his uBPD girlfriend, there is nothing I can do or could have done. I'm frankly in their way, as I interfere with their plans to inherit my spouse's house when he dies (he is only in his 50's, but they plan ahead.) (They have stated this to other members of the family that I trust.)

headspinning we have both been "painted black" it doesn't matter what we do or say.

Remember the Serenity Prayer... . the part about the "wisdom to know the difference" between what you can change and what you can't.

I can't change my relationship with the step and his girlfriend, I'm in the way and that is the way it will be.

Sometimes I think I arrived in my spouse's life to protect him from this son and the girlfriend.

My love is so laid back, that together they would be running all over him.

BTW I have always strongly encouraged my spouse to spend time alone with his son, but they rarely do and it is usually my idea for them to take a trip together and keep up the contact.  Stepson disappears until he needs something, so no weekly dinners in my situation.

Anyway headspinning, the bottom line is that you can do your very best, open your heart and try as hard as you can and yet be treated very badly in response.  I've decided to realize I can't change this particular situation (this is a recent acceptance) and do feel more serene. Now I can spend energy on things I can improve.

It is a rock wall headspinning and hitting your head against is will make your head spin.     I crack myself up!

[pessim-optimist]

I see that these things can be quite upsetting.  Have you and your fiance sat down and tried comprimising a bit.  He probably needs his alone time with his children but maybe you could join them once a month or every other week

Griz

This has been tried and I am treated with contempt. She won't look at me, she grimaces, she asks to leave. Sorry, at this stage in my life I don't feel i need to put up with this crap. I have only been nice, kind and generous, she just wants to cut me out, as she has with the other people in her life. Very sad.

Hi Myheadisspinning,

I think that when griz asked if you and your fiance tried to discuss the financial issue and compromise, she did not mean for you to include his daughter in the discussion... . (that would understandably be counterproductive). That is an issue between you and him only - on how the two of you are going to manage the finances if you get married.

Your fears that your fiance might not be able to live up to his promise might be justified. In that case, it might be prudent to put some boundaries of your own in place before you marry regarding what you are willing to contribute to the marriage financially, and where your limits are. That way you can protect yourself financially (griz's advice on finding out what the laws are in your state regarding marriage and finances is a wise one, in my opinion)... .