Reminder of why I left... still stings. Am I in the wrong?

[Changed4safety]

Been doing well since things "really" ended in April with the ex.  He found himself someone else the next day, and I had been staying away from his FB.  What contact we had was very casual, he would link me funny things or make the occasional comment or "like."

I was pleasantly surprised when he got a job and let me know he would be reimbursing me for a portion of what I'd spent on the phone for him.  NOTE: during our 5 years together he refused to get a job and I spent about $100K on him, which of course I shouldn't have done, but I was lost in the FOG.  (He is bipolar, OCD, PTSD and has type I diabetes with neuropathy).  The reimbursement was $275.  He said he would have to make two payments, but they were coming.

When I received two checks in the mail with no note, I thought, oh hey, he didn't have to wait to mail the second one after all.  I ended up not being able to get to the bank for a while and finally deposited them Tuesday. 

Turns out, he had postdated one of them and called me, politely telling me that he was overdrawn and explaining the situation.  He didn't know why the bank didn't check the date, and asked if I could straighten it out.

Of course I couldn't.  Texted him rather than called, asked if the bank had notified him, and what he wanted me to do at this point.  All very cordial so far.

I got this: "No, -I- noticed it because it posted to my account and (BANK) charged me an overdraft fee.  So I guess I'm f-----d."

I replied, "I will reimburse you for the fee.  What is it?"  Figuring that while there was plenty of blame to go around, I WAS the one who didn't double check the date.  (He could have let me know to do that, which was where he dropped the ball, the bank could have checked, etc.) 

His reply: "No.  Don't worry about it.  I'd rather just be done with ALL of this.  If we're settled, we're settled.  If we're finally separated individuals, that's that."

I have a deadline in a week, and after months of calmness, bang, catapulted into sitting here shaking again.  I have not responded.  I know he wants me to, that's the pattern, and God help me I want to.  That's MY pattern of codependency--apologize, insist on making it right, he will deign to accept.  I've got to focus today.

I'd appreciate any suggestions on this--I feel like we all kind of messed up, but I have been conditioned since birth (thanks Mom) to take the blame if it's rainy outside instead of sunny.  I can't see this clearly right now.  Thanks in advance!

[laelle]

The way I see it... .

He wrote the check, he posted dated it and didnt tell you.  There is nothing there that is even slightly your fault.

You are doing him no favors by getting him out of his own poo.  Think of it as a learning experience for him that you dont help.

My ex use to run up his cell phone bill talking to me, and then make me feel responsible for paying the bill.  He never once offered to pay the cell phone

bill that I ran up talking to him.

Its FOG sweety... . not your job to fix his problems... . If you left the conversation with him "taking" care of his own issues... . take him at his word, and let him do it.

You left because your tired of head games.  Your an adult, he is a child.  You cant make mud pies forever.

 Laelle

[Lucky Jim]

Hi C4S, Agree w/Iaelle: you had no reason to think his check was post-dated and its his problem that he didn't tell you.  So let him figure it out.  Not your problem.  In my view, those w/BPD will try to drag us back into the toxic soup, and it's our job to avoid the quagmire.  Move on, C4S, and be grateful that you're leaving him behind.  Lucky Jim

[Changed4safety]

Thank you.  I just got a scathing email from him.  I don't recall him telling me he'd send the checks at the same time and post date them.  Had a long talk with a friend of mine--trying so hard not to feel like a failure for letting him down AGAIN, which is all I seem to do.  I know he's not rational, and neither am I.  This really ripped me up:

"I've spent almost the last two weeks waiting for you to cash that

first check. I had the second check dated for the day after my next

paycheck for a reason. I informed you of this, before I sent the

checks out; that I would date them two weeks apart to align with my

pay schedule. I have been keeping myself afloat for the last six

months by keeping a hawk's eye watch over my bank account. This was

all very carefully arranged, and your ineptitude screwed the whole

thing up.

This isn't about the money, Changed 4 safety. It's not about the fees. The

overdraft is a major hit on my account at a time when I'm trying to

run everything as flawlessly ass possible, and this mistake may have

just cost me the ability to get a loan, and a car. It's something I've

avoided over the last few months while spending $10 a week on

groceries, to make sure my account stayed stable. That's why I'm

angry, and that's why I'm upset. You haven't just cost me money,

you've cost me time, and you've cost me integrity that I was striving

impossibly hard over the last six months to maintain. And because of

your mistake, you've just f----d me.

So, now that we're separate individuals, who have out own lives

independent from one another, and who are not tied to each other in

anyway (I will no longer use the Netflix). Let's just be done with

this, and go on with our separate lives. I don't want anything from

you, because I just want to be done from you. I hope you can

understand and respect that."

[Lucky Jim]

Hey C4S, I have received plenty of similar berating messages from my BPDexW.  She is relentless and regularly bombards me with demeaning emails.  As a result, I have a special folder where I move her messages, to read or not when I get around to it.  (We have children so I can't block her messages completely).  What has helped me is to view these messages as a Reminder -- a reminder to be grateful that I'm no longer married to her.  Maybe you can figure out a similar way to reframe the messages from your Ex?  Hang in there, Lucky Jim

[laelle]

Ineptitude? what the heck? Screw him... . just for his insulting statement I would let him live in his own poop.  You CAN NOT treat people like hit and expect them to do for you.

I would imagine this is not new behavior that you are seeing?  Boundaries... . enforce it.  I will not allow someone to speak to me in a disrespectful way, regardless of reason.

If you want, email him and say... .  "I am really sorry that this is happened, as your last email showed a complete lack of respect for me, I will show you the same kindness.

Fix it yourself!

If he comes back and changes his attitude, and you still feel you should do something, then work with him on it.  What are your boundaries in that... . paying half of the fees?

I would NOT meet him more than half way.  If he at any moment disrespects you, stop the process.  

This is NOT your problem unless YOU decide you want to help out.  YOU hold the control over what you do... . NOT him.

INEPTITUDE... .     Just hurtful behavior, and you DO NOT have to stand for it.  Ignore him until after the deadline is over to do something about it.

If you let him hurt you with this, you are handing over the control of you.  

[Changed4safety]

Hey C4S, I have received plenty of similar berating messages from my BPDexW.  She is relentless and regularly bombards me with demeaning emails.  As a result, I have a special folder where I move her messages, to read or not when I get around to it.  (We have children so I can't block her messages completely).  What has helped me is to view these messages as a Reminder -- a reminder to be grateful that I'm no longer married to her.  Maybe you can figure out a similar way to reframe the messages from your Ex?  Hang in there, Lucky Jim

Jim, thank you--with the first text I stepped into the shower after offering to pay the fee and said "this is a reminder of why I'm glad not to be in a relationship with him." 

The second hit harder, and the last, lengthy, designed-to-hurt email plunged me back into my old ways of coping.  But I didn't reply.  Realized I can't manipulating him into "liking" me or not feeling how he feels.  He had four years to build his "integrity" and his credit, and I would have been there for him.  This was an honest mistake, and regardless of the consequences, I didn't deserve to be berated.   I WILL hang in there, grateful to you for posting! 

[Changed4safety]

Ineptitude? what the heck? Screw him... . just for his insulting statement I would let him live in his own poop.  You CAN NOT treat people like  and expect them to do for you.

I would imagine this is not new behavior that you are seeing?  Boundaries... . enforce it.  I will not allow someone to speak to me in a disrespectful way, regardless of reason.

If you want, email him and say... .  "I am really sorry that this is happened, as your last email showed a complete lack of respect for me, I will show you the same kindness.

Fix it yourself!

If he comes back and changes his attitude, and you still feel you should do something, then work with him on it.  What are your boundaries in that... . paying half of the fees?

I would NOT meet him more than half way.  If he at any moment disrespects you, stop the process.  

This is NOT your problem unless YOU decide you want to help out.  YOU hold the control over what you do... . NOT him.

INEPTITUDE... .     Just hurtful behavior, and you DO NOT have to stand for it.  Ignore him until after the deadline is over to do something about it.

If you let him hurt you with this, you are handing over the control of you.  

Laelle, thank you!  Yes, he had often told me he "hated the way my brain worked."  If it was so dire that I not cash that check, he knew I was on deadline, and a friendly little note would have forestalled the problem.  I was not "inept".  In fact, I looked over my correspondence and there was no mention of him postdating the checks.  I guess I should have "intuited" that. 

No, this is classic behavior from him.  I had been enjoying the casual friendliness of our interaction, but I guess he is just unable to maintain something like that if anything goes wrong that he can pin on me. 

I absolutely was/am giving him control, that's MY sickness and what I need to work on.  I feel anxious and unable to function if someone is mad at me, regardless if I deserve it or not (my mom, when drunk, would quote Shakespeare about "an ungrateful child" and then never remember it the next day.)  So this is old gunk that I have to deal with. 

I can't change how he thinks about me, and any interaction from my part will feed the fire.  I'm not going to beg him to let me spend MORE money on him trying to "fix my ineptitude."  People don't talk that way to people they value.  The main reason I have interaction with him at all is because he kind of bullied me into it.  I need to grieve this last and move on.

I like the idea of not replying or even thinking about things till after the deadline... . that's putting me first!  (I do have a ton of his stuff I need to mail back to him.  He asked me to keep it because he didn't have room.  Tough.) 

Oh, did I mention during those five years, he also cheated on me constantly, lied to me, gaslighted me, punched walls, broke property and choked me three times?  I need to keep working on WHY I feel like -I- am the villain. 

Thank you and Lucky Jim for replying, I really cling onto these glimpses of a more accurate reality than my own right now. 

[laelle]

Changed4Safety,

Been there, done that.  Nothing wrong with you!  They are a manipulative bunch who have mastered the art.  They believe that the world is to blame for their woes.

They have to blame somebody... . maybe there was a bit of projection there... . he does not like how his brain works, and that he is inept.  

You owe the guy nothing.  You left his ass and his junk.  In my opinion, he is lucky that all he got left with is a bounced check fee after all he did to you.

It sounds like he keeps you around as a safety net.  Cut the cord and keep the money in your own pocket.  Go spend the exact amount of money that he wants you to give him

on something for YOU.  Its a great show of love and affection for yourself!  a symbol of your freedom from him.

You are a smart, bright, and caring person.  Nothing wrong with you!

 Laelle

[causticdork]

Do they all write with the same literary voice?  Everytime someone posts an email, whether it's angry or desperately attempting a recycle, it sounds like my ex could have written it.  The tone and word choice and flow and everything.

The last time I responded to my ex it was to tell her I was initiating NC and I specifically told her that the way she spoke to me when she had a bad day was completely unacceptable and I wouldn't be dealing with it anymore.  If you respond to him at all don't even mention the check.  Just tell him you won't be corresponding if he can't speak to you with respect and leave it at that.

[winston72]

Wow!  That is quite an email from him... . epic distortion, projection and manipulation.  I am so sorry that it hurts you.  From my outsider's view, the whole dispute from his side is absurd and he has elevated it to a ridiculous level for no good reason.  Surprise!  Sounds like he might have a disordered mind!

He sent you two checks, you cashed them, as you should have.  Ta da!  If he did not want you to cash the second check, he should not have sent it, regardless of any explanation.  If a bounced check carried the risk of him not being able to buy a car (? ridiculous!), than he should have managed the risk by delaying it.  Or, given your history of generosity with him, he should have just made smaller payments. 

Oh, my... . and now I am explaining and justifying!  You have NO RESPONSIBILITY in this matter... . wow, it is so clear.  Don't share the fees... . just let him sort it out. 

Thank you for sharing the email from him.  It is reminiscent of so many episodes of communication with my ex... . and I reacted just as you did most of the time... . by taking too much responsibility and not fully seeing the behavior as absurd and juvenile as it really is.

[Changed4safety]

Well, I just got a sort-of apology.  It's half-assed, but from him, this is huge.  I think I can count on one hand the number of times he's apologized.  Would have been better if he hadn't qualified it, and I really have no idea what he's saying, but I'm going to thank him anyway with a brief, "Thank you, I appreciate that." 


"With regret and humility, I'd like to apologize for my tone this morning. Not the things that were said, but how they were spoken. I was angry, and I spoke angry words from an angry place. I could have, and should have, chosen my words better."

[seeking balance]

Well, I just got a sort-of apology.  It's half-assed, but from him, this is huge.  I think I can count on one hand the number of times he's apologized.  Would have been better if he hadn't qualified it, and I really have no idea what he's saying, but I'm going to thank him anyway with a brief, "Thank you, I appreciate that." 


"With regret and humility, I'd like to apologize for my tone this morning. Not the things that were said, but how they were spoken. I was angry, and I spoke angry words from an angry place. I could have, and should have, chosen my words better."

As much as you are upset that the apology doesn't look like what you want - try reframing it for your own peace of mind.

He was triggered, realized it and apologized to the best of HIS ability (as opposed to yours).

Gratitude that you got the money and an apology - mistakes happen, you both did the best you could in a touchy situation... . you really get to be done now.

Cheers!

[Changed4safety]

SB, yes, I know that is the best that he can do, and it's better than he's done in the past.  He said that the situation was not nearly as dire as the lady on the phone made it out to be, and knowing him I can see him sobbing and lashing out.  Doesn't mean I am not better off now, I am, but I can see and credit his growth.  He also said he really didn't want me to worry about the fee--"Let's call this the "clean break" and be done with it."  Also said "Thanks for the chat, and I'm glad we could reconcile on a positive note."

Probably the best I can hope for from someone with this illness.  And I do feel better.  Even prouder that I got back to work and did not let the whole day go by with me crying and blaming myself.  

I thank YOU guys for a lot of that, thanks for keeping me steady and not buying into his disordered reality of the time!   

[papawapa]

That's not an apology.