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Author Topic: I just can't detach  (Read 763 times)
Jhensohn

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« on: July 24, 2013, 11:57:12 PM »

Dear all,



Yes, letting go. In April she (my BPD) told me she had no feelings for me anymore and would not have any again in the future. It's been three months and I feel that I'm no closer to giving her up now than I was then. There was an incredible emotional intimacy I felt we had.

My therapist thinks that part of it is that 1, I never really was that in love with my wife (which is really true) 2, I have never had a girlfriend before and thus never experienced a breakup and that 3, my BPD let me take care of her... . she could not drive so I always drover her places, I helped cook, I gave her my old microwave, I arranged many professional engagements for us. She really respected me and in some ways maybe admired me. I felt very useful where as my wife would be one to just take care of everything and want to control everything and there was never any space for me to feel needed. And my BPD could be SOO sweet and considerate.

Besides this, I wrote much about my situation in earlier posts. I feel that I gave her everything. I felt such a connection and bond when when things were great it was a feeling I really had never felt before in my life. For me, it was my first true love (my therapist says so as well). It was the first time I had loved someone just because I chose to, not because that person fit a certain profile that others would approve of. And that person seemed to love me back. It was a totally overwhelming feeling that made me powerless and made me willing to sacrifice everything for. Of course, I had no idea about BPD... . I did not learn about that until I finally had the courage (in May) to tell my therapist about the whole situation.

Often I think that I actually can't let go. Who cares if I lose my job, my family... . I've lost so much already. If I can't have the one I've sacrificed everything for, then what's the point? But then I have moments of sanity when I see that there are parts of my current life I do enjoy and don't want to give up.

I feel that when I finally agreed to have intimate relations with her, I committed to something. I was giving her (and she to me) the most special thing two people can give each other. I feel bound to her. I just really, really, really, really don't understand how she can just walk away like nothing ever happened (especially since she says I was her first). She said I hurt her very much. But I would have NEVER broken off contact, no matter what she did, not after being so intimate. I told her so many times that I don't do that unless I'm married, but she ultimately broke me down (or I did myself). Since she was always saying how much she was suffering and just once would solve all the problems, I just did it. It was so awful at first.

My therapist told me to focus on the negative aspects, on the abusiveness of the relationship. But all of you, I just so often think that I'm not going to make it. I think that I'm really not going to be able to detach. The guilt and self-loathing I feel are under all of this, I can start dealing with that once I get over the BPD, if I ever can.

Thanks so much for reading.
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fakename
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« Reply #1 on: July 25, 2013, 12:21:53 AM »

Jhrhnson,

You can make it and you will make it.

I was in your same shoes and our experience is quite similar.

She was also my first relationship.

Anyway. I was also in the darkness you see now.

I pushed myself often, forced myself to do things like exercise. I made sure I was taking forward steps and seeing progress.

This is what helped me get to the point where I'm over her and don't think about her any more than any other girl in my life.

If gets better. Just remember to pat yourself on the back and don't be hard on yourself.

Find your own peace if mind and in time you'll be where you want to be mentally
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crystalclear
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« Reply #2 on: July 25, 2013, 12:46:54 AM »

  Jhensohn,

I am sorry for your troubles.

All I can say is time, distance and work - is the key here.

Give it time, i am 5 months out and boy i still have a lot to work on. Distance is the physical and virtual distance - NC is one of the highly affective methods that help. No stalking their FB profile, re-reading messages, emails etc. Out of sight - out of mind will eventually happen for us too. The 'work' needed is  on self. It's great you are taking help of a professional here.

Detachment is a process, and not a decision i believe. Once you have intiated that process it will happen but you need stay strong and focused. I am with you - you can do it!

CC
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jollygreen
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« Reply #3 on: July 25, 2013, 01:22:26 AM »

Hey Jhensohn, you're not alone.  I went through the same thing.  Almost three years together.  At the end of it she said she didn't know that she loved me anymore, was bored of me (and had been for a while), didn't have feelings, was confused and didn't see herself marrying me.  Lot's of hurtful things other than that were said too.  All that was said, and a week before she said she loved me and would do anything for me.  Maybe she meant "anything to me," haha. So you're not alone.  And that was 4 almost 5 months ago.

I stayed around family and friends.  Moved out of the place my ex and I lived together in and moved into a house with some friends.  Ironically it was perfect timing for them too (like it was destiny).  I took up old hobbies again, some new ones, got a gym membership, went on trips anything to occupy my mind and time.  About two months out started online dating.  Went on a couple of dates and knew I wasn't ready.  Now four months out I'm back on the dating seen again. It helps to feel desired by another woman.  I still have dreams about my ex and it hurts/brings me down.  But I know things would have not worked out.  Its funny because I had a feeling things weren't going to work out 7 months into our r/s, but stuck it out because I'm a loyal and determined guy (my downfall I guess).  Everyone I talk to: friends, family, coworkers, all say "be glad you found out now instead of after getting married and having kids."  I think having that many people saying the same thing holds a little merit.  So Jhensohn, keep calm and chive on.  There's a woman out there that wants to treat you like a king.
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danley
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« Reply #4 on: July 25, 2013, 03:17:12 AM »

I cannot imagine the blatant announcement from the one you love telling you that they no longer have feelings for you. Just imaging it makes me sad. My ex did not say those words when we broke up. He actually did the opposite. Although it may sound like the better of two evils, it still stings. Sometimes I wonder if I would be better off in my healing process if he had told me blatantly that he no longer has feelings for me. At least then, for me anyway,  I'd have a clear sense of where I belong. If he had told me he no longer had feelings for me I would KNOW where I stand with him and would have closed the door behind me. It would have probably made the healing process go further than where I am currently.

Instead all I remember is the showers of praises and love he has for me and how we can maybe get back together in the future. All this did was leave me hanging on hope and make me confused. It makes it harder to detach because you don't want to close the door... . just in case.

I read your post and it tugged at my heart. You sound like you did so much and gave unconditionally to someone you love. I don't know where all the fond memeories you guys shared or the love goes. I know I've read that this is part of the disorder.  But that doesn't make it any easier to bear.

I too have done a lot of focusing on the bad parts of the relationship. It makes me upset. I start to feel a burning in my soul. I start to feel like I was played. $HIT, I still feel played right now. I try to see the good in everything and everyone. But it seems when I try to see the good in my ex now, it brings more pain. It sucks... . I focus on the bad and it then makes me angry. I focus on the good and it then makes me feel sad. The only solution would be to focus on myself instead. I don't like who I am when I'm focused on my ex. I just remind myself that here I am thinking or missing my ex and he probably could care less. He probably puts more thought into which T-shirt he's going to wear than he thinks about me.

I understand where you're coming from. Detaching is hard.

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Learning_curve74
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #5 on: July 25, 2013, 08:20:21 AM »

Jhensohn, hang in there! 

While this might not make you feel better, I have to say that I am still entangled with my pwBPD, but if she told me that she had no more feelings for me then I'd be terribly sad but also relieved in a way. I am jealous of you to an extent because now you have the freedom to focus on yourself and your own healing.

From personal experience, I know that you don't have to be involved with a BPD to have your heart broken! I've been hurt multiple times and every time it feels totally awful, like I want to die to stop the pain. Part of it is mourning for what I thought the relationship could've been and part is feeling sorry for myself.

If she was the perfect one for you, then ask yourself this: why aren't you still together? If she was perfect, then you would still be together! The simple fact is that the fantasy was perfect, not the person. You are in mourning for something that didn't exist in reality but in your mind. Unfortunately our minds create the world we experience, so your hurt is real. But it also gives hope that if you can alter your thinking, you will also be able to stop hurting. Good luck to you, my friend.
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tailspin
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« Reply #6 on: July 25, 2013, 09:28:50 AM »

 

Sometimes it helps to face our worst fears.  What's the worst thing that could happen if you let her go?  You already know how much you have to lose if you don't.

For me it all came down to trust; I didn't trust myself enough to let go because I was sure I needed him to feel whole, complete, etc.  This was a lie I told myself and believed.  Until I stopped lying to myself, I couldn't let go of him.

I will tell you that freedom from these relationships is worth the effort. 

tailspin
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bewildered2
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Relationship status: Went NC in June 2006
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2 months good stuff, then it was all downhill


« Reply #7 on: July 25, 2013, 11:35:36 AM »

hang in there... . let more time go by... . and one day you will realize that you no longer have feelings for her... . it will happen... . just stick with the program... . no contact... . and remembering all the bad stuff each time you feel low and miss her. it works.

b2
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Clearmind
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« Reply #8 on: July 25, 2013, 09:21:32 PM »

It hasn't been that long - detaching takes a while - this is no ordinary break up. You are processing the abuse, you are most likely self blaming and there is some of our issues thrown in that got us here in the first place.

My suggestion is to begin to change your perception of her - she is who she is - we want to paint it a different colour because it makes us feel good - loved, needed, adored. She doesn't think like you - you and her were getting different things and seeing different things in the relationship. Try not to place your ideals and feelings on how she was feeling/thinking. We can only change our perception and see the truth in a situation if we remove expectations - our own!

The label is one thing, behaviors are another. Can you reframe what you think is a healthy relationship - now that you have been threw this one?
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Ittookthislong
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« Reply #9 on: July 25, 2013, 09:58:22 PM »

I hear you... . and i know how you feel. Its really hard for me to let go as well.

part of the problem i think,(from my perspective and maybe yours too), is thats its hard to take the psychological/scientific/logical approach to what you feel in your heart.

I have also heard people tell me to focus on the negative but that doesnt help me AT ALL. it may work for some, but maybe you are wired different too. So maybe you just havnt found the method to getting yourself back yet- but its inevitable that you will.

it doesnt help me to read the stuff on the internet that says "if she had BPD RUN and dont look back" or "your better off"... . that type of advice feels emoty and it just doesnt register. you were caring towards her and took care of her needs because you are a caring person with empathy. Sometimes thinking about the negative makes me think there has to be a solution, and then i just go into a million ways it could have been or maybe still is possible.

When I read the info about how BPDs feel- they seem like they are sufferring, and this heartbreak has led me to understand a lot of the ways they feel. I do feel like i cant sustain emotions, or trust that ill let myself be vulnerable, i do feel a little lost and not myself and it hurts. So I feel like Im getting to experience that brokenness that is in them. And I would hate it if I heard someone say, "oh that person had their heart broken? they are broken hearted? RUN and dont look back, your better off." Its cruel and insensitive. Your ex was the way she was/is for a reason. She is hurting and thats how she protects herself. everybody is the way they are for a reason so making her into a monster is denying yourself the very thing that makes you a good catch- your kind and caring... . thats what us ladies want, so dont lose that. that being said, its been a few years and i am past the anger phase- and i did have anger- but it made me cold. im still trying to break the bad habits that heartbreak made me fall into- and seeing the ex as negative isnt working for me at least. just an alternative perspective for you maybe.

Seeing your ex was a person, not "a borderline" is good in my opinion. Bpds seem to get that way by sufferring early abuse, so what good does it do for everyone to villify them and degrade them, just doing more of what made them that way in the first place... . and that is counter to a nons nature to paint someone black.

I kinda just decided, that its ok that I love him. I dont have to tell him that, and im not going to fuel my unrequited feelings. but i feel a lot better just thinking, its not such an awful thing to love someone. i just dont fight it, and hope itll eventually fade, and in the meantime im trying to find other non-love ways of making myself enjoy things... . and its been hard, cuz the hold they have over us can suck you right back into feeling your own broken heart right when you feel yourself getting a little of your happy back, but i swear whenever that happens, say, im walking around outside and i smell something , or see some flowers or whatever and i get that warm cozy, content feeling, it isnt 5 whole seconds before my heart sinks and i think of him, then before id spend the rest of the day thinking of what a jerk he was. but now i feel a bit better thinking, ok, i still love him, but that still smells good and im gonna go with the comfort feeling.

PS- this is just what works for me, it could be terrible advice, or not even make much sense or be helpful. I just know i got nowhere with trying invalidate him as a person. It made me feel like i was doing what he did to me, which is why i hurt in the first place. im sure most people are right though it is helpful to fully process your pain. Thanks for sharing your feelings and take care of yourself Smiling (click to insert in post)
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