The closer I got to her, the further she ran away

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

When I started dating my ex girlfriend, diagnozed with BPD, I was still leaving with my wife (shame on me). The first months of our r/s was thus extramarital. My ex BPD girlfriend seemed to suffer a lot from this situation and I felt a lot of guilt. After a few months, she left me saying that I would never leave my wife. I was truly desperate as I thought that I had found THE ONE. It took six more months for me to leave my wife and move in my place. When I finally managed to to it, I announced it triumphally to my ex BPD girlfriend. To my great disappointment, she responded: "Am I supposed to be happy?". We nevertheless started living together and did so for 1 1/2 year. For some reasons that I still do not understand, I was unable to divorce my wife. And it all started again: where my ex BPD girlfriend had complained about me not leaving my home, she complained, probably rightfully, about me not divorcing. In January this year, she set me an ultimatum: either you give me a sign that you intend to commit or it's over. I was unable to give her any such sign and she left. I spent a lot of time in January and February with my ex-wife and the children and came to the conclusion that it was indeed over and that I was ready for divorce. So in March, I went back to my ex BPD girlfriend and wrote her that I was now ready to divorce. Again, to my great disappointment, she said: "Am I supposed to be happy?". I was quite shocked this time. We saw eachother a couple of times in April and May. Each time I was hoping that we could restart our r/s but she became very unemotional and I started realizing that she was not really interested in me but more in"being my wife". She also said some weird things, like I know you will cheat on me; I do not want to be beside you when you go through the divorce; I want to be your wife; I feel hate and anger when I see that your ex-wife still signs with your name, etc. I once told her that she was immature and that she was not interested in me. This was almost two months ago and there has been no communication since this last call. I know that I have my own issues and it is a fact that I have had a lot of difficulties realizing that I did not want to spend my life with my wife. However, when I look back at my r/s with my ex BPD girlfriend, I have the feeling that she wanted me desperately when I was not available and that the closer I got, the further she went. It's a bit like a lose lose situation: if you are not available, they want you; you make yourself available and they run away. I am at loss to understand and keep saying myself that it is my fault if we broke up as I should have decided myself faster and divorced earlier. I would be interested to know if some of you have felt the same?

[Blaise]

When I started dating my ex girlfriend, diagnozed with BPD, I was still leaving with my wife (shame on me). The first months of our r/s was thus extramarital. My ex BPD girlfriend seemed to suffer a lot from this situation and I felt a lot of guilt. After a few months, she left me saying that I would never leave my wife. I was truly desperate as I thought that I had found THE ONE. It took six more months for me to leave my wife and move in my place. When I finally managed to to it, I announced it triumphally to my ex BPD girlfriend. To my great disappointment, she responded: "Am I supposed to be happy?". We nevertheless started living together and did so for 1 1/2 year. For some reasons that I still do not understand, I was unable to divorce my wife. And it all started again: where my ex BPD girlfriend had complained about me not leaving my home, she complained, probably rightfully, about me not divorcing. In January this year, she set me an ultimatum: either you give me a sign that you intend to commit or it's over. I was unable to give her any such sign and she left. I spent a lot of time in January and February with my ex-wife and the children and came to the conclusion that it was indeed over and that I was ready for divorce. So in March, I went back to my ex BPD girlfriend and wrote her that I was now ready to divorce. Again, to my great disappointment, she said: "Am I supposed to be happy?". I was quite shocked this time. We saw eachother a couple of times in April and May. Each time I was hoping that we could restart our r/s but she became very unemotional and I started realizing that she was not really interested in me but more in"being my wife". She also said some weird things, like I know you will cheat on me; I do not want to be beside you when you go through the divorce; I want to be your wife; I feel hate and anger when I see that your ex-wife still signs with your name, etc. I once told her that she was immature and that she was not interested in me. This was almost two months ago and there has been no communication since this last call. I know that I have my own issues and it is a fact that I have had a lot of difficulties realizing that I did not want to spend my life with my wife. However, when I look back at my r/s with my ex BPD girlfriend, I have the feeling that she wanted me desperately when I was not available and that the closer I got, the further she went. It's a bit like a lose lose situation: if you are not available, they want you; you make yourself available and they run away. I am at loss to understand and keep saying myself that it is my fault if we broke up as I should have decided myself faster and divorced earlier. I would be interested to know if some of you have felt the same?

[Validation78]

Hi Blaise!

I am very sorry to hear of the struggle and strife you are experiencing after a relationship with a pwBPD. The relationships are rough, and breakups are tough too, and different than a typical breakup.

The behavior you have observed, wanting you closer, and then not wanting you at all is a very common thing in pwBPD, known as push/pull. When she gets close to you, she begins to feel afraid of the intimacy, and what she fears most, abandonment. When she pushes you away, it quells her fear temporarily, and then she feels abandonment, and pulls (or attempts to) you back in. If she is BPD, you didn't cause this, and couldn't have done anything to avoid it.

If you want to learn more about BPD, go the The Staying Board, and look for the link to The Lessons. You will find a lot of good information there.

In the meantime, what are you doing to be good to yourself? You've got a lot on your plate at the moment, a divorce, and breakup with a pwBPD! Please be gentle with yourself, and take this time to heal!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Blaise]

Thank you for your post, it helps a lot to see that I am not the only one in this situation. There were times where I really thought I was becoming crazy. It's like being with her completely affected my own perception, a bit like being disoriented.

I am not sure I understand your point about intimacy. I think we were intimate and its more about availability.

When I was not available -- still living with my wife -- she really seemed to want me and was desperate. I felt of course a lot of guilt and still do not know what made me so hesitant.

Then I left my wife and moved to a new place. What I imagined would be great news for my ex BPD girlfriend was rather badly received. For 1 1/2 year, we nevertheless had a kind of relationship and she would typically spend 3-4 nights at my place.

But then I could not manage to divorce my wife, which led to the final break up. As I really wanted this relationship -- I only start realizing now that it was perhaps not a good relationship for me and that it was need on my part rather than love -- I reached the stage where I thought I would be capable of divorcing and once again expected that this would be great news to my ex BPD girlfriend.

Rather, she became even colder and unemotional at me and I felt like I had lost any interest for her.

So I am not sure I understand the concept of intimacy v. availability? Do you think that me not being separated, and then not being divorced, acted like a wall of protection for her?

Two things strike me. First, I remember that I always felt that my ex BPD girflfriend never involved herself in the r/s, a bit like if she was fearing to get dependent. I used to tell her that I should be more independent and she should be more dependent. Second, she seems to have two types of relationship. She would not do anything with her former boyfriend, just like if they lived together but had separate lifes. She is now with someone much younger than her and who is probably not a "threat" for her. Me, I wanted to have a true relationship with her and be at least as important as her work and friends.

[Sparky2Blame?]

The past few times that I had recycled with my ex, I was in relationships (semi-committed) when she would magically appear back in my life.  Missing me and wanting to try again.  And  I was always honest with her that I was dating/seeing someone and unavailable.  But it was like that is what made me a challenge.  We would maintain contact. She would push some boundaries, and purse like crazy.   But I would hold my ground. Then once the other relationship would run its course, we would pick-up and begin dating.  It goes fine until a little while in (where it would get the point of becoming serious), and that's when she would disconnect and run another direction (usually to someone else).

Between one of our recycles, she started seeing a gent that was stationed near by (Army).  He was married and from the other side of the states.  Shortly in, he was asking is wife for a divorce and looking into permanently moving here to be with her.  Not long after, they were no longer together, and she was running my direction.

Think part of the taken person (married or in a relationship) is that there is less chance of a commitment developing.  So there isn't real potential to the relationship ever becoming overly serious.  It sort of protects them in a way.

[Blaise]

Thank you for this, it greatly helps to see that I am not the only one.

But do we have an idea why they run away when the relationship becomes serious and a committment is developing?

My ex BPD girlfriend always told me that she wanted to "build" (what?) and that we could do nothing until I was divorced.

This seems to contradict fully the theory that they want to avoid the relationship becoming serious?

[Validation78]

Hi Blaise!

Much regarding BPD is contradiction by the standards of a healthy thinker who does not suffer from a mental illness.

The fear of abandonment is at the core of BPD. Many pwBPD seek intimacy and closeness in committed relationships, yet fear it at the same time because they are so afraid to lose the relationship. When they get the intimacy they seek, they often sabotage it because in their twisted thinking, it is bound to end anyway.

If you want to know more about this, check out The Lessons link on the staying board.

Best Wishes,

Val78