Help making plans to separate

[nevaeh]

I have been married to uBPDH for 18 years, together for 23.  We have 3 kids - D15, S12 and S8.

I have a good job and have an ability to be financially stable on my own.

H also has a good job (makes more than I do) and also is in the National Guard part time.

We own a very nice house in a small(er) town in the midwest. It may be difficult to sell our home due to its high value being one of the 10 top valued homes in our town - meaning it may just take a few/several months.  We have significant equity in the home so we would need to sell before I could purchase another home.

My parents and sister both live in the same town as I do.  My sister will unfortunately be moving about 2 hours away in the next 6-9 months.  I have already talked to her about possibly buying her house from her.  I know the finances would work and that I could afford her house.

We have a significant amount of money in savings so it helps to know that I have a nest egg already there if I need it.

My kids each have a very good college savings account balance and I don't see that our annual contributions would change based on getting a divorce.

My H and I are not on the best terms, particularly for the past 2-3 years.  We really just co-exist and tolerate being around each other.  I won't get into all of the emotional issues on this thread. 

I am curious to know from those of you who have separated and/or divorced, how did you plan everything out.  For me, the hardest thing to "figure out" is how to actually TELL him I want a divorce (or should I just say I want a legal separation).  I know from prior experiences that this is going to bring down a firestorm of emotional issues for both of us. 

Related to the above, I don't know how to logistically handle this.  He may agree to leave, although I'm not sure where he would go (and how quickly he would go).  If he didn't go quickly I know I would just have to endure days of his emotional turmoil (crying, begging, making promises to change, etc) and I know that I can't handle that if I want to finally end this.

So, I may need to be ready to leave myself.  Logistically this won't be easy because I have the 3 kids (and two cats that my kids would want to take with them).  I can't just find a place like that.  My best option is to wait to do this when my sister actually leaves town and just move in to her house, with some type of agreement in place regarding rent until our house sells.  I think my biggest fear with that is that I don't want to create big problems for my sister if something were to happen and for some unknown reason we didn't end up needing/wanting to move to her house.  There are a lot of things they need to do to their house to get it ready to sell.  There are also several things that I would do differently to it so in some ways it is mutually beneficial to both of us because they wouldn't have to put money/effort in to fixing up their house... . I would just do those things after I moved in.

And then there is splitting up furniture/belongings, etc.  I am willing to let things go to him and buy new if I need to if it makes it easier to get him out of the house (or for me to leave the house).

I don't know whether I should contact a lawyer before I tell him, or after.  I saw a lawyer a few years ago and she told me that due to our finances I should withdraw half of the money out of our savings on the day that divorce papers are served.  I'm not sure this is a good idea because he would really take that as an aggressive/fighting move.  I want to try and stay on as good of terms as I can with him to make this as "easy" as possible. But there is the potential that he could try and hide money, lock accounts, etc.

With so many unknowns, it makes it really hard to plan.  I guess I'm just curious how you all of worked through this.  Any help would be much appreciated!

[momtara]

If there will be a custody battle, it's best to stay in the home and provide continuity for the kids - just through I'd mention that off the bat.

With talking about sep/divorcing, Patricia Evans at the verbalabuse.com site suggests that you carefully make sure they know it's partly their fault, so they don't want to get revenge on you for leaving.  If you can find a subtle way to do that.

[ForeverDad]

Residences - A house is just a house.  Home is where you happen to live, so it's good to see you recognize that.  With that stated, it is best for the reasonably normal spouse to stay in the home if it will have to be sold.  You avoid most of the risk of the house being stripped bare and contents vanished.  You also will avoid the delays, obstructions and noncompliance when it comes time to refinance, handle the quit claim deed, prepare the home for showing, show the home, and get it sold.  A few members here had to return to court repeatedly because their disordered ex stayed in the house and sabotaged the court order to refinance or sell the house promptly.

Documents - Without fanfare start copying or safekeeping important documents, birth certificates, passports, bank and credit account records, deeds, etc.  It's amazing how many documents disappear when a marriage is about to end.

Accounts - Same as with documents, money can disappear overnight.  Sadly, you may have to preserve at least your half before you inform him of the marriage's demise.  Your personal money and your half of the joint money should be in accounts in only your name when he is informed.  (Depending on how you think he will react, some have chosen to wait until the paperwork has been filed and even let the process server be the one to give notice.)  Either spouse in a joint account has a right to empty the account if there is no court order to the contrary.  Yes, near the end of the divorce there may be a Day of Reckoning where any excess raided will be included to adjust the final figures, but it is best to avoid that shock since you may need your portion of money during the divorce process.  (For many of us here divorce takes a long time, one to two years and sometimes even longer.)

Clearly, you should seek confidential consultations - you are under no obligation to inform your spouse - for local legal advice from at least one and preferably multiple experienced family law attorneys.  Depending on the extent of your spouse's behavior patterns, you might be in court for many money and even years, so choose a good lawyer you are comfortable working with.

Sadly, emotions must be kept out of the divorce process.  It's not like a wedding when two are working together.  Family court is an adversarial process and so you need to keep it as businesslike as possible.  You're not being mean, you're just being practical and trying to avoid sabotaging yourself, something that can easily happen if you let emotions take over.

Me?  I wasn't able to do much planning.  I did change my paycheck deposit to go into my new personal account a few months before we separated, oh did she rage about that!  I did that because my ex refused to sign a J&S notice so I could get a loan from my 401(k) account after I bought a car.  I had to rush to the bank to get a bank loan at a higher rate and so while there I opened a personal account.  Anyway, the conflict kept increasing, I could sense the end coming and it came when I called 911 when she was making death threats in one of her increasingly frequent rages.  Doing that took our conflict to a new higher level and the marriage never recovered.  Divorce in family court took about 2 years.

[nevaeh]

Thanks ForeverDad,

May I ask if you are in the US?  I've noticed there seem to be people from all over the world on this forum.

I need to set up an appointment with a lawyer for a consultation.  It scares me because that's where I started and ended with this process about 3 years ago.  I was ready to leave him but somehow he found out and then had an emotional meltdown so I ended up staying (mostly because he promised he would get help and "try to be better".  I had talked to my parents and they were going to loan me the money for the retainer but I just never got to that point.  When H found out that I was seeing a lawyer (I honestly don't know how he found out but he must have been stalking/spying on me somehow which makes me really paranoid now) he told me that he wanted me to know that if it ever came to that I should just go to him directly first and we can work it out.  As much as I would like to believe that (and I could, feasibly, see that happening), I am worried about being in a situation where I am having to work with him on anything, finances in particular.  When it comes to money I think he will be difficult.  I'm sad to say he might fight me more on money than he will with kids and custody issues. 

I am going to start taking pictures of everything in the house this weekend while he is at work and need to figure out how to start making copies of documents.  I fear that he has the file with all of our important records (birth certs, SS cards, life insurance, etc) rigged to somehow know if I am getting in to them.  He also has a box of silver coins hidden in our basement (I'm not sure if he knows that I know where they are).  They are worth a pretty good sum of money but I'm worried he will try to remove some of the coins in order to keep them from me.  So I have to figure out how to document how many coins are there without making it obvious that I was in the box. 

I just get really nervous when I start thinking about all of this!  I wish there was just a fast forward button to make this whole separation think fly by straight to divorce.

[livednlearned]

If you think he's spying on your, figure that out first.

How technically savvy is he? Could he have surveilliance software installed on your phone? It's relatively cheap ($150) and very easy to do. Also hard to detect.

I had to have two phones because I was certain my ex was tracking my location through my phone. He had synced our Droid smartphones to Google Latitude and knew where I was. When I figured that out, I started leaving the phone at home, and then doing what I needed to do undetected.

Get a PO box in your name only, for mail that you do not want him to see. I also started moving important documents and memorabilia into a storage unit I rented with a credit card in my name only. If there's a chance he can freeze your accounts, make sure you have access to money that he doesn't. If you can't do that, get a credit card.

I went through all of the nostalgic things I cared about (especially S12's stuff, and photos, etc.) and either scanned them or put them in a storage unit -- my L suggested I do that because even non PD people can lose their heads and destroy meaningful things when a divorce is sprung on them.

I recommend reading Splitting by Bill Eddy so you have a sense what will happen when BPD issues mix with the legal process. Your advantage in this whole process is that you can plan carefully in advance, and having a sense how court works and its effect on pwBPD will get you far. Plus, this site is amazing. People here are so generous and smart about how to prepare, what to think about, and how to take care of yourself in the process.

Find out how much your L knows about personality disorders. It matters -- you need someone who knows how to close loopholes in the legal documents you sign, like consent or custody orders and all that. Even the most benign thing seems to be unbelievably difficult when pwBPD are involved. I'm sure you know how that goes.

I would make sure you read Splitting first. Then have 1. ensured that your actions are not being tracked 2. set up confidential PO box and credit card 3. scan important docs 4. get a storage locker or safe place to store nostalgic things 5. consult with an L about whether you should have him removed from the marital home, or if it's ok for you to move out.

Honestly, the issue with your sister's house is a secondary concern right now until you meet with an L. I highly recommend, too, that you get a T to help you extract yourself. It's no easy task to divorce a pwBPD, and a psychologist can help you think strategically while stress and anxiety runs high.