So she emailed me

[fakename]

So just to give a timeline we broke up feb 4th.

She tried a couple really lame attempts at contacting me since then-

An email saying "Chantix.com will help you quit smoking" the morning of starting a new relationship with some guy... .

Then a more probing email a few days after she broke up with that guy.

And now she's sent me her most extensive email after having broke up with the ex she was struggling toget over while with me. And also the guy she left me for for a year... .

Anyway. She emailed me this morning. I don't feel like I really care. I have no desire to respond and def love my life a lot more since my recovery.

So I'm just gonna ignore the email. See what happens from there. If she tries texting me I figure I'll reply pretending I'm someone else who just got this new cell home number. We'll see what happens.

Just thought it was important to share and also wanted to share the email. Maybe you guys will spot similarities to your situations or can identify what she's trying to do

Hi. First want To say sorry for writing to you, please do not be upset. It is funny I realize each day how much you had loved me and because from the beginning, I cheated on you and that cAused you much pain. Since then you could never trust me and rightly so... . I experienced this w joe. I could never trust him and I had always had more feelings for him then him towards me. Also I realized somehow I had always made you feel inadequate physically as I had always felt w joe.

Last few months I have gone on many dates and makes me realize that I may never find the connection I had w you. We could do anything together. We had passion together.

I hope you are dating someone amazing and each day to be the best day for you... .

I hope you forgive me for how i Made you feel... .

[mcc503764]

MY INTERPRETATION IS AS FOLLOWS…

First of all, it’s never a good feeling when the x decides to resurface…let’s look at what she has said to you…

Obviously, her r/s with “Joe” hasn’t worked out the way she imagined it would, and she is looking for a band-aid for her “pain.”  A rebound, or an appetizer.

She is baiting you.  Trying to stir up old emotions to get you to act on impulse.  She is trying to do this by proclaiming her “realization” about your feelings.  I also like how she is trying to use jealousy to hurt you as well (her “many” dates?)

She doesn’t hope that you’re dating, and she doesn’t want you to be happy.  She wants you to respond with an attempt to reengage with her.  She wants you to be available to fill that void / emptiness in her so she wont have to face herself.

“Happily ever after” doesn’t exist with these people!  That’s the REALITY of the situation!

Low hanging fruit I guess?

I see this as a form of guilt, manipulation, and an obvious reengagement attempt.

Ask yourself this, is it even remotely fair to YOU that she would think that she can do this to YOU?  Who the hell does she think she is?

Sounds like she is saying that “I’ve dated Sam, Tom, Dick, and Harry and none of them have worked, so I guess Ill try and go back to my old standby?”  Save YOUR own self respect and don’t go there.  Set the boundary that you refuse to be treated as such!

Trust me, I know…we would like to think that our x’s have “seen the light,” and there is nothing wrong with caring for them.  There is nothing wrong with having empathy for them.  WE are human, and WE are CAPABLE of such emotion!

My advise?  Do nothing.  You don’t have to!  Let her live with the consequences of HER actions!  One simple response from you will be the be all end all of everything, as it will snowball into a recycle…trust me, I know!

Silence is golden!  Remember, you say more by saying nothing at all!

MCC

[fakename]

Hahah. Awesome post MCC.

And I appreciate the interpretation, was great to read.

I agree with everything you wrote entirely. And it feels good to be detached from her.

I know if I reply once she wins and the cycle starts all over again.


Just before I saw your post, I re-read her email to analyze it and I was just thinking

'Why the hell do I still want to be getting an email about joe?'

If I got back with her it'd be the same crap all over again including how she needs time to get over her ex. F that.

Thanks again for the post

[almostmarried]

Very well said! Do nothing,say nothing.They will not change because they cannot change.

[mcc503764]

'Why the hell do I still want to be getting an email about joe?'

If I got back with her it'd be the same crap all over again including how she needs time to get over her ex. F that.

Thanks again for the post

Or, the first week would be fun, but then "Joe" would come up and she would start comparing her feelings with the two of you and then the triangulation (read definition) would start... .

The first week would be "puppies and kittens," but then reality would set it!  Save yourself the BS!

Trust me, I've lived it!

Good Luck!

MCC

[fakename]

Hahah. I would give it 3 days of puppies and kittens. And then hell starts.

Don't worry. I've moved on and have felt great for the past couple months. I surprised at how indifferent I am towards her email. Was a nice test and an important step in my recovery

[mcc503764]

Hahah. I would give it 3 days of puppies and kittens. And then hell starts.

Don't worry. I've moved on and have felt great for the past couple months. I surprised at how indifferent I am towards her email. Was a nice test and an important step in my recovery

THAT'S AWESOME!  MOVING FORWARD!

[Validation78]

Hi Fakename!

Good for you for truly moving forward, and acknowledging how much better you feel without this relationship. I hope you have forgiven her, and can look back on the relationship as a learning experience and know that it wasn't healthy, and a re-engagement at this point would likely lead to no good. Best to ignore her attempt to reach out, by whatever means, and privately wish her well, and put her behind you.

Continued success on your healing journey!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[shaggysoul]

I love that you see it as a game.

It is a game. And it's freaking hard to win.


My guy left me after I broke it off with him numerous times. Now i feel like he has control and I hate that. I crave him to write me so I can not respond. How freaking mature is that?

[fakename]

Val -

Thanks.

Yeah I privately forgave her a while ago. I think aroun that time the anger and pain also went away a bunch. But it was def. important for my recovery.

She is who she is. I am who I am and it just didn't work out. And I also have to accept responsibility for allowing her to treat me the way she did.

In any event the past is the past and fortunately she's not in my future so I can find more peace of mind.

Shaggy -

I was at that point too when I was hoping she would contact me just I could ignore it. I guess it was cause I thought if she contacted me then maybe I meant enough to her to do so. Even if she was just gonna use me again, at least she wanted to use ME - cause I meant something. That was pretty pathetic thinking as I look back. Regardless during those times she did contact me with those lame attempts, I did the right thing and don't run back to her. Cause I deserve more. Even if I did reply to her. I didn't run back as I didn't say I miss her or anything. I did what I had to to continue with my forward steps in my recovery, fishing myself, working out my own issues, learning why I am the way I am, and doing things to make myself proud of myself like rigorous exercise. In the end, it all helped and it worked.

As always thanks for all the support

[Trick1004]

Fakename,

Thanks for sharing. I'm only a couple of months in since mine left. Thanks to this board and the stories here it has really helped keep me moving forward.

I like the game analogy. Reflecting on my r/s, while I didn't realize I was playing a game, she was. A game where she made all the rules and I had no possibility of winning. After she ended it and a ton of reflecting I know the only way I can win this game (not to beat her) but for myself is to walk away. She will find other players, that is her pattern.

I used to love gambling until I had a huge night on the blackjack table in Vegas. I got up several thousand dollars and felt on top of the world. I was convinced (also really drunk) that I was going to clean out all the black chips from the dealers tray and was doing my best to accomplish this. Well I walked out of that casino completely drunk in the early morning Vegas sun (Vegas looks a lot better at night) with no more money in my pocket than I walked in there with.

I managed to stumble back to my hotel room where I was staying with my cousin. He woke up and asked "christ, what the hell have you been doing all night?" My response was something along the lines of "have you ever been on top of a mountain and then fell right down the other side?" as I fell face first onto my bed and passed out.

While nowhere near as close to the heartbreak I felt when the r/s with my ex ended, it was similar. The game (relationship) were rigged with the house (exBPD) setting the rules to a game that in long run you can't win. I don't like gambling much anymore and sure as hell don't want to play the game with my ex anymore.

That was a bit of tangent but thought I'd share. The game parallels are there for me and help me move on from my ex.

Cheers! Hope everyone is doing well!

[jollygreen]

Ok, wow! She talks about her ex before dating you. Then her ex that she cheated on you with.  Then she talks about all these dates she's been on. Sounds like trying to make you jealous/burn you for some reason.  Then she talks about you and how she's never had the same connection (I see lies lies lies!).  It sounds like a hook.  I'm sorry for my rant, but reading this just makes me p#$$3d off for you man.  If I ever get an email i'm just going to let someone else read it and tell me if its worth my time. Wow, still angry haha.

Jolly

[fakename]

trick,

thanks for writing... . yeah i think these boards were instrumental in my recovery.

hahah, nice tangent. i totally get it. it's def. the same, and i was thinking that no matter how good the high points are, the end result is always the same. its rigged.  i also compare the drunk to just being in a dazed, confused, anxiety-stricken and overwhelmed state of mind when i was with her cause i clearly wasnt thinking straight.

i'm glad you are moving on... .


jollygreen,

hahaha, its messed up right? all throughout my time with her i would have to hear about exes... . so annoying now that i think of it. dont know why i put up with it.

i'm glad you guys point out the jealously play she tries, i kinda overlooked that (i was never good at picking up when she was trying to make me jealous... . unless of course it was when i'd find out she slept with someone else... . again... . )

i mainly picked up how she still plays the victim card beautifully from her email. 

hahah, yeah def. lies on the same connection thing... . but so clever in trying to pull me back in because i did at one point feel that way about her (passion and that we could be content doing anything... . i'm sure she felt the same way about others she's been with... . i'm nothing special to her), i guess she knows how to try to pull me back in... . i find it so interesting - her manipulative ways.

regardless, i've learned i am more interested in having a healthy r/s with someone who i dont have to constantly worry about. def. dont miss having to worry about trying to get her out of her depression streaks

[Trick1004]

Fakename,

I did go on a bit of tangent in my last post  . Back to your original post, you did the right thing by not responding. That email when you think about it is just such a pathetic attempt to see if you are still around.

I'm only about two months in since my r/s ended out of the blue and I sent her an email on the 7th telling her to tell the bride and groom at a wedding we were supposed to attend and she was maid of honor at congrats for me. Two Mondays ago I got an email back from her asking how I was doing and that the wedding fell through due to a no contact order issued by the police to the bride and groom and it was kind of hitty... .

I read it and thought about it for a few minutes and kind of laughed to myself. I don't want anyone's wedding to fall through but she was using it to get a response from me. I didn't respond and deleted it. I MIGHT consider responding to her if I get something far more substantial from her. I not holding my breath though, I've got a lot of good things going on in my life that are far more rewarding for me to spend energy on.

Thanks for bringing the email topic up.

[mcc503764]

I was having LC with mine.  I thought I was past the anger / hate, but apparently it's still there with me.  I have more than accepted reality, but I still do care, to a point, about her and have empathy for her as a person... .

For some reason, even a "friends," I still found her insulting my intelligence?  The blatant lies, the manipulations, the contradictions, even as just trying to be an impartial 3rd party, I didn't understand why she felt the need to do this to me?

Even in casual conversation, via text, her stories just didn't make any logical sense? Nothing has changed with her, as she still has the same nonsensical banter, contradictions, circular conversations... . it's just too much BULLS#$T for me to deal with!  I found myself getting wrapped up in HER head again for a second, and I literally wanted to shoot myself in the F%^KING FACE!  (jk... . ), but that's how crazy making it felt... . Just a reminder to me of how she is still the same and hasn't changed one bit... . Regardless of the players in the game, she will never be able to escape herself!

It blows my mind how someone can so blatantly disrespect another person like this?  I more than accept MY responsibility in the whole dynamic of the r/s, and I know to clear MY head and continue on MY recovery means that I will walk away.  But I can do so with a clear conscience of knowing that I did everything that I could to try and show her that I cared. 

MCC 

[fakename]

@trick,

hahah, i enjoyed the tangent... .

yeah i agree on it being a pathetic attempt to see if i'm still around. its also very inconsiderate. i think a sincere person would have at least gone into a bit more effort into accounting the faults they made (i.e. she makes it seem like she only cheated on me once... . well, there were like 3 different guys)... .

i remember someone on these boards telling me 'they only do as much as they have to to get you back"... . that person pointed out that my ex knew she didnt have to do much at all to have me accepting her back and forgiving her... . and i think that email is clear in showing that... . she also makes no mention of the fact that when i broke up with her feb 4th, it was because she went on a date with some other guy... . something i'm sure she'd still deny to this day... .

in re: to getting something more substantial from your ex, and then you would respond... .

that's tricky... . i remember i felt like that at one point also, but i just had to reason it against, ok even if i do get something more substantial, what difference does it make? its just a short-term act to get what she wants for the time being and fulfilling her needs temporarily... . and then its back to hell... . i guess i only wanted that more substantial thing from my ex at that point, because i wanted to feel like i mattered to her as much as she mattered to me... . i guess it was just a matter of having her put a band-aid on my wounds... .

i've learned only i can heal my own wounds and thats through finding peace of mind, not distractions/diversions or delusions, etc... . some people chase after happiness, i think that's a ruse... . i decided to chase after peace of mind, and i'm in the best shape i've ever been in... . i cant remember the last time i was sad or depressed... . i also think a large part of that is due to the ex no longer being in my life... . man it feels good! hahah... .


@mcc,

i get what you're saying... . i can't say i care about my ex much, just because i don't associate myself with such people, but as a human being i do hope well for her... . its up to her whether she finds 'well' or if her life continues on her track... . but its not my business, its not my job to make sure everyone in the world is living a good and happy life, so i dont really care... . i care about myself, my family and my friends. everyone else, i guess i'm a neutral positive towards... .

hahah, yeah i dont get how even as just 'friends' all that ugly stuff you mentioned is still there... . makes no sense to me... . its not even needed... . but that was still how she decided to treat me, and i'm not going to tolerate that from anyone (even though i did tolerate it from her)... . but i get exactly how youre feeling... . i feel in my view, its not even worth being friends or casual acquaintances with my ex... . it provides me nothing positive... .

i can see it bothers you... . and it should, and like i said i agree with you entirely and have been in those shoes... . but when it comes to accepting our responsibility, shouldn't we agree that we are doing this to ourselves and bringing this stress/pain, etc to ourselves, by allowing someone in our lives to treat us in such a way? i think they've exhausted the number of fair chances they deserve... . any destruction caused thereafter if our own fault because we allow it and we dont value ourselves enough... .

but thats just my opinion and thats what i struggled with... .

as i type all this and see how far i've come this year, i'm really proud.  i was SUCH a mess after the breakup.  i'm really proud of how i see myself now and how i've pulled sanity and reason into my life... .

thanks again guys for the good conversation. it's all helpful

[Trick1004]

Fakename,

It's good to hear responses from people who are at a stage where they recognize their life is better without them and aren't allowing themselves to get sucked back in. In the two months since she left I have been able to say no to her best efforts to get me to meet and talk. I've sometimes felt that I was being too harsh, but something inside of me knows it is the best to avoid any of these attempts. I'm still not sure what it is she wants to talk about and I suppose it is her trump card to try and draw me back in.

I think the night of the break-up she found out I still had one boundary left that I wouldn't let her cross. That being if you can reject me and disrespect me so much out of the blue without any appreciation for the r/s I am just done with anything to do with you. I think it caught her totally off guard.

Anyway about meeting her. She has left the ball in my court regarding that saying she would be open to whenever when I was ready to see her. Even that gets me a bit fired up. It's like she's doing me a favor somehow. Whatever, until I know what she thinks we have to talk about and without some kind of deeper acknowledgement of our r/s I am just fine with moving on never hearing from her again.

[jollygreen]

@fakename

This is all frustrating to think they cheat and lie with other dudes to tests your drive to come back for them or see if you'll leave?  But the fact that it makes no sense goes right along with BPD.  My ex, during her "I need space time," for some reason saw that I was having fun with friends via facebook.  She took offense to this and removed me from being in a relationship with her then immediately puts her status as in a relationship (with who the heck knows).  I'm almost friggin' thirty and I've never seen anything like it, she didn't talk to me at all. So I just took it as that was the end of it.  She later contacted me to meet up. Which by the way @Trick, I don't suggest it, haha.  We met up and she was pissed that I just took that as her breakup and that obviously she was still in a relationship with me because she immediately put it on her page.  These are her exact words "ANY NORMAL PERSON WOULD HAVE CALLED ME AFTER SEEING I DROPPED THEM FROM A RELATIONSHIP ON FACEBOOK! YOU THINK I WOULD BREAKUP WITH YOU LIKE THAT?"  Sorry for the caps.  So Trick, the meet up ended with pointing the finger that I, my parents, my brother, and family are the fault.  Oh and "I still want you in my life, lets be friends." Hells to the NO I says!  Games games games.

[Trick1004]

Jollygreen,

Thanks man, it helps to get some perspective on how a meeting up with the ex might go. I can see it going a couple of ways.

One, like you said everything gets turned around on me and I'm left dealing with more of her sucking me back in.

Two, it goes well we make some kind of agreement that we can be friends and I'm still left dealing with her sucking me back in.

Three, and I guess this is the best case scenario for me, she finally gives me the closure that I haven't yet received about how she appreciated how much I did for her and recognition of my own feelings during the r/s, I'm not holding my breath for this option.

So ya, meeting her is pretty much out of mind unless she gives me something where I feel like option three is a possibility. 

[jollygreen]

Hey Trick, I kind of wanted to go into our final meet a little deeper but didn't want to rant.  Here's kind of a break down of her blame game:

80% = the fault was me, my family, and friends.

10% = the fault was her guy friend spreading rumors about us and poisoning our relationship.  Of which I did hear about these rumors directly from his mouth and thought the weren't that big of a deal.  Just she would give him long hugs that he felt were awkward and she would talk about our r/s with him.  I chose to trust her because hey, that's the kind of guy I am.  Now I know that trust is out the door with her.  I could tell more about this guy if interested, but don't want to write a book on fakename's post here.

10% = the fault was because of her hormones being out of wack and a doctor telling her she had an ovarian cysts that causes emotional problems and instability.

100% of these reasons are all blames to why everything fell apart.  They were not anything that she did.  Just making up reasons and becoming a victim.  I will say that she did cry and say for a brief minute out of our two hour meeting that she was sorry for the way she treated me poorly and that I deserve someone better than her, "someone that will make you smile because I couldn't towards last few months of our relationship."  This hurt me to hear.

So which was it, the reason she had to end it?  I still don't know, and maybe that's why I still feel pain.  And that's why I still think about it so darn much.  Oh that and she said she loved me and drove off into the sunset.  Anyways, that was our last meet, pretty much a repeat of right when she split for outer space time.

But if you don't meet then you never know.  And ultimately that's why I met up with her.

Jolly

[Clearmind]

Translation: "Fakename, please soothe me because I hurt and I cannot do it for myself!"

[LetItBe]

Translation: "Fakename, please soothe me because I hurt and I cannot do it for myself!"

Exactly.

Fakename, I'm happy to hear you're doing so well.  You've come a long way -- nice work! 

[fakename]

hey guys, sorry it took a while to reply... been busy lately... .

@trick,

for some time i felt like i needed closure, and i thought i needed it from my ex, and i guess there were a couple times during out 100 breakups when i felt like i got that closure, i guess in a way because it felt like i bested her and came out on top... .

i think those were short-term fixes for me... . when i ultimately got closure it was on my own and just accepted all for what it was... . i know my ex cant give me anything. and that includes any feelings of validation if she were to say that she recognizes she took me for granted and all that stuff, just because i know she doestn mean it, shes just saying what she needs to... . besides, the last time i took her back she played that 'now i finally realize what i lost' card, and after a couple days it was back to the same old song and dance... .

just be careful i guess is what i'm saying based on my experience...

but after reading jolly's post, i guess i have to add that everyone is different and no recovery is the same for everyone... . so i guess just trust yourself (so long as you are thinking with a clear mind)

@clearmind,

hahaha, definitely an on point translation. unfortunate, i guess i'm just glad that i have the strength and kinda have to know-how to stand back up after i fall down. it's a sad disorder... .

@NonGF

! it's nice to see you again! i gotta make a point to read up some of your posts as of late to catch up. i hope you're doing well.  thanks for the kind words, i remember you were one of the 1st people i met on this board and obviously as a result played a big part in how i feel today... . its so nice to hear from you