Do these things continue to happen?

[popeye6031]

I want to ask those of you who have been in a BPD relationship for years if I am to expect the beahviour below (or something similar) to continue and possibly get worse when married.

I have now been engaged to my fiancee for 7 months, we have been together for 19 months.

Their fear of abandonment resulting in every meeting I have with a friend or family member turning into a bombardment of questions before; texts and phonecalls during; grief about something completely unrelated before, during and after; and accusations of cheating.

The need to be in control of you (i.e. teh need to know what you are doing every minute of the day and if they do not know the bad beahviour kicks in).  For example I was in a meeting at work one day, which I was unexpectedly called into) and after it was over I saw a lot of viber messages and missed calls asking where I was and what I was doing.  My reply was that I was in a meeting and could not sit chatting during it.  I also said that I coudl not tell her where I was every minute and should not need to.  Wow, was that the wrong thing to say.  I was given so much abuse and told "how dare upi say that because we are now engaged and I should know where you are all the time".

The costant need for reassurance such as constanly being asked if "I love her and how much", having to mimic back what she says (i.e. if she says I love you very much I cannot just say "I love you" back).

The need to be constantly touching each other and hugging her while she sleeps.

Constantly being challenged and tested and then being accused of not loving her.

Being accused that other things or people were more important than her even though you give up a lot to be with her (including socailising with friends and family).

Constantly checking facebook, emails, phones, ipads, laptops to find something to start an argument over.

And the list goes on.

[emotionaholic]

You are not alone.  I have gone through all the same stuff as you.  I even got criticized for having a password on my accounting program, I run my own business and she knows the password.  Trust or lack there of is a major issue for pwBPD.  They are convinced that everyone is going to hurt them, especially those that they allow to get close to them.

Are you seeing a T, is she?

I do not think things will ever get better without lots of work from both party's.  Starting with you.  I do lots of reading on the staying board which has been very helpful for me.  Mine is currently in silent NC mode so I am getting plenty of time to reflect and learn how to better myself.

Be strong.  It might be time to start setting some boundaries.  The initial reaction will not be pretty but you need to protect yourself.

[popeye6031]

Thanks for the reply emotionaholic.

Neither of us have a T.  She does not even think she has a problema and that her behaviiour is completely normal and acceptable in a any relationship.

My mum is a cognitive therapist and have discussed things with her and it was actually her that pointed me towards BPD.

I have been trying to set boundaries but some just are not working and being reacted to very badly.  If I had done it in the early months of the relationship, it might have been better.

She is coming to stay with me for 6 months (she is foreign) soon.  I fear it will get far worse.  If so, I will probably have to walk away.

[eternity75]

MY BPD bf does this too. When I am out with friends (for some reason it's especially bad with one friend in particular) he calls and texts constantly. Other times I may barely hear from him. When he is working he calls me at specific times during the day. I can expect a call at 1, 3, 9, 12:45 am and 1:20 am. I get texts in between the calls. When he is out with his friends I hardly hear from him at all. At the end of every phone calls to me he says I love you... . unless his friends are around and then he just says goodbye and acts weird about it. In his texts and phone calls he also says "please do not forget me" although it is fine for him to forget ME when it suits him. If I don't respond to texts for some reason for a couple of hours he will say "You forgot me today" with a sad face or crying face... . or he will phone me and ask "why did you forget me today?"

On my facebook if a guy comments on one of my photos or writes something on my wall, he will "like" it, as if he is trying to let me know he KNOWs or show them that I am his... . I'm not sure exactly. He has accused me of cheating a couple of times... . which I find completely ironic being that I have been faithful while he is constantly trying to replace me with new supply and he has already cheated on me and had emotional affairs as well. The only thing he doesn't do is check my phone or facebook... . I do this to him to check what he's up to with other women now since he continually tells them I am "just a friend" after 8 months of dating. The whole thing is almost laughable... . in a sad pathetic kind of way :\

[sjm7411]

I thought my BPh's insecurity/jealousy would fade when we got married.  Nope.  It hasn't gotten worse or better... . it just hasn't changed.  They will always find something to be insecure about. 

[ADecadeLost]

Popeye,

From my experience, that behavior never ceases.  My wife and I have been married for 5  years now (together for 9), and the same behaviors you describe still persist.  I am questioned before, during, and after every interaction with friends and family, and accused of cheating on a regular basis.  Where exactly I'd find time to cheat is a mystery to me as she spends the vast majority of each and every day by my side (my boss allowed me to hire her as she was unable to maintain work elsewhere), but in her mind it is somehow a possibility.

My wife has entered therapy at this point, so I hope in time maybe I'll see some improvement in regards to this behavior.  Unfortunately, I have little faith at this point that it will.  For now, I simply accept it as one of those things I'll have to live with.

Good Luck

LH09

[popeye6031]

Thanks for the replies everyone. 

All relevant and useful replies.

What you are saying Lovinghusband is resonating with me in particular.

Even when my fiancee knows what I am doing all day, I stiil get the abuse and accusations.

Unfortunatel I don't thinkmI could ever even convince her that she has a problem, she justs kinda laughs her behaviour off and says its because she loves me so much.

I have a lot of thinking to do over the next few months, which is very upsetting.

[Validation78]

Hi Popeye!

Please take your time making the decision to get married. I didn't see the BPD  before the marriage. It wasn't until 3 weeks after that the signs popped up! The intimacy, commitment of marriage, pushed him to reveal his fears of abandonment, and to exhibit the behaviors that go hand in hand with that core fear. Yes, I know, you would think that the commitment would quell those fears. In a healthy person, it might. pwBPD do not process information the way healthy people do. To them feelings=facts!

You are in a position to address the problems now, before matters become more complicated with a marriage.

BPD does not go away on its own. If she isn't getting DBT, Schema, or some other therapy specifically for BPD, all of which takes years to have an effect, she will always be ill. If you can handle that, God bless you. It's a tough life!

I know you love her, and in many ways she is a wonderful person, I'm sure. If you know she is BPD, or suspect that she is, your relationship will not be a healthy one. There will not be many of the elements that make a well rounded, healthy marriage. While you're deciding what to do, ask yourself why you would enter into a marriage knowing this?

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Newton]

Hey popeye ... . Validation78 has given great advice.  It's essential to keep in mind that your relationship is emotionally triggering... .

That is the catch22 of BPD.  What they crave the most... . they also fear the most... .

[popeye6031]

Thanks for the advice validation and newton.

I tried once to say she needed to talk to someone but she flipped. She thinks her behaviour is completely normal because "she loves me so much".

I am an easy going person who does stand up for myself and set boundaries but the thoughts of constantly having to re-affirm them the rest of my life is not a great prospect.

I set them too late into the relationship, instead of right from the beginning.

She is coming to stay with me, for up to 6 months, soon.

I fully expect the behaviour to get worse and have it in my mind to end it if things get worse, though it will not be easy.