Help

[kelmeg]

My BPD Daughter is hosting a baby shower for my niece this weekend. My nonBP daughter and I will be attending. I haven't spoken to BPD for months, she did not want to invite me or my other daughter but my niece insisted.  I have learned a lot on these boards, but I don't know if I should try to talk to her.  Right now she HATES my other daughter and I.  My nonBP Daughter wants to tell her off.  I know better than that.  Im sure she will just act like nonbp daughter and I don't exist.  The other thing is that nonBP daughter is bringing her "friend", she is a lesbian, which makes my BP daughter even more angry and hateful. Needless to say, I am not looking forward to this.  Any suggestions?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, kelmeg   

What a distressing situation you are in! I would feel just as discombobulated as you do (at least that is what I would feel!) over this coming event. It stinks that your BPD daughter is angry at you and your other daughter, and doesn't even want you to be at the shower; I am glad that you are going though, to support your niece. You are brave   

I have felt the same stress and fear when it comes to events in the past, involving my uBPDMIL and then my uBPDDIL, and had fussed and fumed and tried really hard to prepare myself for the possible explosions that would possibly happen. Since learning the tools here (S.E.T, Validation, Radical Acceptance) I've found that those explosions haven't actually happened. By changing how I understood their brains, communicated with them and treated them, all went well. And I'm talking just since April 2013 when I came to this site and started applying the techniques mentioned above. Easter, a baby shower, the first time meeting said baby, etc. have all gone remarkably well.

Here's a refresher for you on these tools... . If you have a chance to read these links before the shower, take a deep breath and relax with a cup of coffee (or are you a tea person?   ) and prepare for the upcoming event... . I've found that once I find that compassion for the fact that the BPD loved ones I have aren't actually doing what they do on purpose, but because of their unregulated emotions and their subsequent skewed perception of reality, I can change the way I deal with them. And, then they change the way they react to me, for the better! Win-win for all of us... .

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it

Radical Acceptance for family members

Do you still have the time to take a refresher on these techniques? Maybe changing the way you look at the upcoming possibility of having to deal with your daughter could change the outcome? Do you think you might be willing to give it a chance to work? All I can tell you is that I have been where you are right now, and in my panic to try to make things better, I used these tools and--things got better! 

[heronbird]

One things for sure with BPD its so unpredictable, so what you imagine might happen may not, it all depends on the time and how the people are feeling, I guess its just good for you to be able to keep calm, take a step back and not worry too much if that possible haha, we should all be experts on this by now.

Hope it all goes really well though and try to focus on the great thing your BPD dd did and how kind it was that she helped organise baby shower. It is nice of her to try to do something like that I think.

[jellibeans]

Kelmeg

hmm... . I feel for you and understand your hesitation about attending the shower I just wonder if it is really the best thing? Your dd doesn't want you there so why would you want to attend? Maybe I am simplifying the problem... . have you thought of another way? Could you send a gift so that she know your are thinking of her? Write a note in the card that states you are available to talk and congratulate her on the upcoming birth? I just feel you are forcing yourself on the whole situation and I am not sure why you would want to. I think that pwBPD often get into tug-of-wars and power struggles... . coming to a shower that your dd doesn't want you at is just asking for trouble.

I think if you wanted to call or text her and say... . "I would really like to come to your shower but don't want to do anything to upset you... . if you want me to come please let me know... . if you are not ready to see me and your sister then we will respect your wishes and not attend."

I know your neice is doing something really nice for your dd and that is great but I think your dd has to be on board with the whole thing. Sorry if this seem harsh but I think it will not be pleasant for anyone involved.

[pessim-optimist]

Hi Kelmeg,

I also understand your hesitation... .    

Would it help to look at it from your niece's angle? You are doing this for your niece, (hopefully the communication with your dd can be kept to a civil minimum, so your niece has a good time... . )? I don't know, if this is possible, but if I were in your shoes, I would also try to show this angle to my non-BP daughter, who is bringing a friend - if the friend is not a mutual & invited friend of your niece, it may not be tactful to bring her anyway - especially if this has a potential of blowing up and destroying your nieces baby shower - is it worth it to your non daughter to risk this (there may be other opportunities to bring her friend over)?

[kelmeg]

By not going to the shower, I am letting BP DD control my life by deciding whether or not I can attend family functions. Not going to happen.  My niece wants us there and we are going to support her.  Her Dad died a year and a half ago and I need to support her.  I think my non BP DD is bringing her friend just to upset her sister.  I hope we can all be civil.  I texted my BP DD and ask if I could help with the shower, I thought this would break the ice and make things a little less uncomfortable.  She did not respond to me at all.  If we do talk I will use all of the tools I have learned on these boards.  Thanks for all of the support.

[hoping4hope]

jellibeans you got that backwards.  The shower is for the nieces baby and her niece does want her there

[js friend]

I would go to your neices baby shower but somehow try to keep yourself busy... . socialise as much as you can. i wouldnt go with the expectations of speaking to your dd other than saying hi.  This may not be the right time or place.

I know my dd gets stressed out easily and your dd wil be running around and busy, and  your non dd bringing her friend is also bound to be a trigger for her. Maybe you will be able to speak to your dd alone afterwards if she is agreement, but dont push it. just go with the flow and enjoy the day. If you can spend time outside, that will be a bonus to help defuse the situation.

on the other hand,You never know your dd may show a completley different face to you and nonBPDd when others are around. Be prepared for this to happen too. If she is pleasant to the both of you, do you think you will be able to be pleasant back?

There are so many possible senarios that could happen here, and i understand the stress you must be feeling,but often  we build these situations up far bigger in our minds than we need too.



good luck!

[jellibeans]

Well I got that all wrong. Sorry about that. Can I change my answer

In this case I would go to the shower. Your dd should not be able to protest that. I would try to keep my distance and go e your dd lots of room. I feel she might be fine when surrounded by others. PwBPD have a way of acting very differently when there is an audience 

So sorry I got it all mixed up.

[heronbird]

Oh jellibeans, and I thought you were so good, haha

[griz]

kelmeg:  I agree, you cannot let her run your life, that being said you this is about your niece and it is her day and you want to  make sure it is does not get ruined.  I could understand your other daughter bringing her friend if this was a long standing relationship but if not it will the only thing it will do is incite DD, doesn't seem constructive to me.

I think you should go and keep your distance.  If DD does approach you and is calm you might want to start by complementing her on the nice job she did putting the shower together.  Validate what she has accomplished, this might take any wind out of her sales.  If it looks like it is going down hill I would just let your niece know that you are going to leave and you will contact her later.

I hope it goes well... . please let us know.

Griz

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

heronbird now you know the truth!