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[Someday . . .]

My dd25 has been through h*ll for the past 5 years . ... . rarely a moment has gone by that she has been happy . ... . until the past few months.  She had a boyfriend (they met at the last treatment facility and both left the program to be with each other) and they dearly loved each other . . until they realized that the other had more problems than they could bear (my daughter said that she had a hard enough time taking care of herself let alone anyone else).  Her boyfriend left to go back home (on the opposite coast) and he didn't tell her that he was breaking up with her until he got back home.  As you all may expect, my dd25 became hysterical, suicidal, relapsed on drugs, cut herself pretty badly, etc. . .   She is extremely dysregulated.  I have validated her over and over, listened to her and tried to be there for her (I'm sure she feels differently though).  To make a long story short, her boyfriend wouldn't mind her visiting her as they have talked about getting back together EVEN though neither one has EVER lived on their own, or been able to live on their own.  Neither have any money to live together.   My daughter is obsessed with going back to see him and my husband and I said that we would not finance the trip back for several reasons.  One reason is that she is far from stable enough to go back.  So my dd25 just told me that she has decided to find ride shares across the country and camp out every night under the stars.  My daughter is VERY low functioning and can't even go to the grocery store.  I realize that as she puts it:  she hates her life and doesn't care whether she lives or dies, hates everyone, hates everything etc. . .  She has been in 8 different treatment facilities and 8 hospitalizations.  At this point in time I feel that we have tried everything to help her.  Right now I mentioned that I realize that she is very dysregulated and emotional.  I asked her if she was able to touch anything logical at this point in time.  I wanted her to start thinking so I mentioned that I realized that she is only able to ride in a car about 3 -4 hours a day, how would she be able to ride in a car for any length of time?  Of course, since she is so emotional and really unable (and doesn't care) about logic right now, she really doesn't care if her plan is impulsive or not.  My daughter has wanted to be a hippie ever since she was 15 and has tried once or twice to just pick up and start a life of a vagabond; each time with not so great results.  Once again, when I mentioned that that was so scary for me and that I was really worried and concerned about her she really doesn't care at this point in time   So my question for you is,  do I give her her SSI money so that she has food to eat and a place to stay etc, or do I just not support the whole crazy idea (give her no money period - I am her representive payee and can put the money where I deem suitable - I already asked social security about that)?   Does anyone have any suggestions on how to get through to her?  She has no therapist and has no plans to see one to talk through this plan.  She hates me and certainly feels that I should back her up instead of me being the voice of reason.    Any thoughts, suggestions, etc are welcome.  Has anyone had any experience like this happen to them before?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[heronbird]

Hi

You have been through a lot, we all have so we understand.

I realised when I had a bit of an ok time with my dd that I am going to be more over protective of her because of her history. I mean we went through hell, dd was hospitalised 13 times in just over a year. Not to mention the other problems to do with boyfriends etc.

I think you may have to give her money, but only give her the minimum she may need, Im not sure really sorry not much help here.

My dd gets her money paid into her account, she would never let me hang on to her money and she is only 19.

Gosh what a mess.

We  just have to let them be dont we, how hard that is for us  

Its like I read in a book, its like we are watching our loved one in a tsunami, we stand there unable to help, each time we hope and pray that this wont be the one that gets them. But the biggest thing is how helpless we feel, and as a parent, thats so so hard isnt it.

You may just have no choice really.

[Someday . . .]

Heron bird, thanks for the reply.  I guess where I am right now is do I hospitalize her again(?).  When she has been hospitalized in the past, (she has been in the psych ward 8 times, but trust me, she qualified over a l00 times!) she came out worse than what she went in.  I have asked several people in the psych profession and asked if that is possible, and their replies have all been "some people get worse being in the psych ward rather than better".  That's my daughter . . she gets worse.  Yet, she is very suicidal and has been saying it for the past couple of days.  On one hand, if she goes in, she will come out worse and we are in the cycle once again her being suicidal AND worse!  I am not real sure if she plans on ridesharing across country because I feel on one hand, that she may even know (at some level) that she really can't do it.  In the past we had the finances for her to go into a facility, at this point in time, it's not an option.  I feel really stuck . .  she is getting more and more suicidal the longer she is here at home, and yet if she goes in the psych ward . . well, I just don't see a benefit, in fact, on the contrary, she is worse.   Once again, I feel stuck and not sure what to do and would appreciate what other people have done in this situation.

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, Someday... . Since your daughter has mental health issues and also self-medication issues, is there the possibility that she could go to a Dual Diagnosis Program rather than a Psych Ward or normal Rehab? My adult (36) son was recently diagnosed with BPD at a Dual Diagnosis Center, and that was the beginning of his recovery from drug abuse and his BPD and other mental health issues. He had been in and out of "normal" Rehabs twice in the past (within 2 years of each other), and though he came out clean and sober, because none of his mental health issues had been addressed (no one knew about the BPD at the time, only his previous diagnoses of ADD/Depression/Anxiety) he didn't last more than 3 months sober in "the real world" after discharge.

He is now out of the DD Center (a 21-day inpatient program) for 4.5 months, and almost 5 months clean and sober, and it really is different this time... . He's a new person and doing great! A lot of this good news is related to my learning the communication tools and information about BPD from this site, and the new therapy he's been in for a little more than 3 months (Neurofeedback Therapy), but the impetus for his better recovery this time was the DD Center and all he learned there about himself and the Dialectical Behavioral Therapy they taught him there. Do you know if there is a Program like that by you? My son's Center was part of a Regional Medical Center, 4 hours away from home, but it did save his life (he had been suicidal when he was admitted).

This is all just a thought; I really hope you can somehow find a place for your daughter to get help; a Dual Diagnosis Program is not at all the same as a normal Rehab, and if she could find one and learn about the way it operates, she would possibly be anxious to go and do well. My son actually loved it there, and was so happy to have treatment for his mental health issues besides just the addiction issues; he really thrived there and actually didn't even want to leave after the 21 days! I wish you the best   

[heronbird]

Someday,   

Can you hospitalise her? I live in UK and I could not get dd hospitalised. Well, I guess different circumstances, dd knows the system now, if she tells them she is fine, she is not suicidal and not psychotic, they let her go. They wont listen to her next of kin or anyone.

I was told when dd first got her diagnosis, People with BPD do not do well in hospital, they need to be home and try to get a job. (easier said than done)

Most people recommend you do not hospitalise BPD, but I am confused as to how that works when they are going through crises. When they are hell bent on suicide, how do you just validate them and use all the tools that I have learnt, they seem too bad in that situation.

keep us posted, let us know how she is.

By the way, is she on medication, if so, what is she on? can she go up on it?

[jellibeans]

someday

in a time of crisis it is best to take a deep breath... . my dd is 16 do I am not sure what to suggest to you but I will try. I can feel your pain and how worried you must be for your dd.

First... . how are you keeping her safe right now? It seems to me she does need some kind of higher level of care... . but I understand sometimes the hospital is not the place. Is it possible to look at a RTC of some kind?

I think you have done well to point out some of the issues she might have with her travel plans like being in the car for an extended amount of time. Do you really feel she will be able to put a plan together to go? Sometime my dd has great plans and I like to step back and see if she will attempt them at all... . in the end the plan changes quite a bit.

Have you thought about going with her by plane to visit her friend? Do you think that might help her with closure... . him leaving and not saying good bye seems very harsh. is this possible? Could you make it a kind of vacation for you both? Is the boy able to travel? would you consider sending him a ticket?

Part of me want to say let her go but the mother in me worries she is not capable of such a journey... . are you under estimating her abilities? I wish I was of more help to you... . try to step back and get some distance from the situation. What is your biggest fear about her going?

[heronbird]

Wow Scollops you are so wise, I like your reply.

It would do us all good to be reminded at times that just because something is suggested it does not mean it will happen.

My heart sank when dd was 17 her new bf was booking them a ticket to Florida for a two week break. I was helpless, I could not stop her, but at the time, she was having psychosis so regularly I worried so much for her. I rang the airlines, I asked if she would be allowed to go with no parental concent and mental health, they said they cant stop her.

So my hands were tied so to speak, I was doing crystal balling, imagine the aeroplane having to make an emergency landing I thought, what if she runs away in USA and they cant find her and bf comes home alone etc etc

We were out shopping one day and dd gets a call from bf, asking all her details, he is now booking it    

Well, thats it I said to myself, prepare for the worse.

They broke up two days later hahaha, it never happened.

Crystal balling, have you heard of it. We must try not to do it.

Think of the here and now more.

I hope nothing comes of it for your dd, maybe you are saying, yeah but you dont know my dd, once she decides something she always does it, thats quite true of my dd. However circumstances may stop them. At the end of the day if it happens, there is not a lot we can do.

Dd wanted baby, I panicked, dd had baby.

Do you ever think to yourselves if something serious happens maybe it will be there wake up call. I do, but then aagain it does not work like that does it.

Recently dd was in crisis, she was going to jump out of her window, everyone stopped her, I thought,    why dont they just let her, Id like to see what happened. She may have ended up in wheel chair for 8 weeks, then we could all have a break. It was only a first floor flat she was intending to do that from. She may have learnt something from the injuries. Mind you knowing her she would have been ok, she never seems to get all the things other people get, gets away with all that.

I could go on and on couldnt I. Sorry