Co-dependency

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Soo, huge step backwards the last couple days.  One month ago I moved my uBPD girlfriend out. She started seeing someone else 3 weeks before moving out so the break up hurt like hell. We were together for nine years. I could not go no contact because we have a six year old son, but I was doing great low contact.  Two days ago I started answering her texts. I told her how hurt I was and she said she is soo very sorry. This made us both cry. Yesterday I dropped our son off at her apartment so he could spend the night. When I was leaving she started blowing kisses at me. I flipped her off. Very childish of me. That night she texted me and asked if she could come over and see me at 10pm. I said yes!  What the hell is wrong with me?  Then she says our son is laying down and she should just stay home. The next morning, this morning, she texts me again and asks if she can come over and do a couple loads do laundry. Like an idiot I say yes!  Well we spent a few hours together. She says things aren't going great with the new guy, he's in love and she is not ready for that. I sense that she is devaluing him and idealizing me again. She hugs me and cries for a long time, like she really feels bad. I play up to it a little because I can't help it. I have a good understanding of BPD and know what makes her tick, but seem to have no understanding of myself. I feel completely out of control like I'm getting sucked back in. I'm at her mercy again and this is a terrible place to be. She has no mercy. I don't know what to do or how to handle this. Any insight would be helpful.

Thanks,

Jp

[Jep]

Soo, huge step backwards the last couple days.  One month ago I moved my uBPD girlfriend out. She started seeing someone else 3 weeks before moving out so the break up hurt like hell. We were together for nine years. I could not go no contact because we have a six year old son, but I was doing great low contact.  Two days ago I started answering her texts. I told her how hurt I was and she said she is soo very sorry. This made us both cry. Yesterday I dropped our son off at her apartment so he could spend the night. When I was leaving she started blowing kisses at me. I flipped her off. Very childish of me. That night she texted me and asked if she could come over and see me at 10pm. I said yes!  What the hell is wrong with me?  Then she says our son is laying down and she should just stay home. The next morning, this morning, she texts me again and asks if she can come over and do a couple loads do laundry. Like an idiot I say yes!  Well we spent a few hours together. She says things aren't going great with the new guy, he's in love and she is not ready for that. I sense that she is devaluing him and idealizing me again. She hugs me and cries for a long time, like she really feels bad. I play up to it a little because I can't help it. I have a good understanding of BPD and know what makes her tick, but seem to have no understanding of myself. I feel completely out of control like I'm getting sucked back in. I'm at her mercy again and this is a terrible place to be. She has no mercy. I don't know what to do or how to handle this. Any insight would be helpful.

Thanks,

Jp

[Surnia]

  Jp6869

Maintaining controlled low contact is not a easy thing, and there is your son, which makes things more complicated.

I think you see your situation and her dynamic quite clearly. It is never too late to have some boundary in place.

Can you imagine to say NO about a next attempt like coming over or doing laundry?

[Vindi]

yes, set firm boundaries... . and remember she left you for this new guy, who I am sure this "new guy" has no idea that you came over to do laundry and her blowing you kisses. Its all a game to her, don't get re hooked back in, she may get bored down the road and replace you again.

I know you were together for 9 years and have a 6 y/o son... . but do you really want to be with this woman, even after she starts another relationship with another guy?

The more you give into her, the more she will take advantage of you, unless you set the firmest of boundaries, and yes, that starts with saying NO then deciding what you want to do with your life.

I wish you the best.

[Jep]

     Thank you vindi and Surnia for your replies. She actually did tell him she came to my house to do laundry. She said people like him come and go and I am so much more important than that. I guess he was angry and sent her a couple texts while she was here saying that her coming to see me is BS.

     I don't want to be with someone who treats me like that. When she was crying she said, "I just don't know how we got here". I said this is all because of you and your decisions. When she left I was devastated again.

    I suppose I will tell her how I feel. Tell her I don't want her back after starting another relationship. Tell her doing laundry and hanging out with me even as friends is just not healthy. That for me letting go means we keep conversations pertaining to our son. And yes it is hard for me to imagine myself saying no, but I think I can. I got so tired of being angry, but that anger was protecting me. It gave me the strength to say no.  Now I've moved on to feeling a sort of forgiveness which has unfortunately left me vulnerable again.

Jp

[Vindi]

good for you JP, i remember an ol' codependent saying.

Say NO to please yourself not YES to please others.

I think it becomes real simple to say NO its one word and stick by it, no means no... . when I started saying no more often, the easier it was... . you need to say no to keep yourself healthy and focus on you and your wants and needs... . not yes, to what? keep her happy, and after she decides to lure this "new guy"... . and yes, you were right, she knows how she got here... . it was her choice, her choice to decide to see a new man, her choice not to care how you feel, it was a choice and now she needs to deal with it.

Once you say your first NO, it will get easier trust me! wishing you luck!

[seeking balance]

     Thank you vindi and Surnia for your replies. She actually did tell him she came to my house to do laundry. She said people like him come and go and I am so much more important than that. I guess he was angry and sent her a couple texts while she was here saying that her coming to see me is BS.

     I don't want to be with someone who treats me like that. When she was crying she said, "I just don't know how we got here". I said this is all because of you and your decisions. When she left I was devastated again.

    I suppose I will tell her how I feel. Tell her I don't want her back after starting another relationship. Tell her doing laundry and hanging out with me even as friends is just not healthy. That for me letting go means we keep conversations pertaining to our son. And yes it is hard for me to imagine myself saying no, but I think I can. I got so tired of being angry, but that anger was protecting me. It gave me the strength to say no.  Now I've moved on to feeling a sort of forgiveness which has unfortunately left me vulnerable again.

Jp

JP - I know this is all hard right now.

Have you had a chance to review the communication tools from the staying board?  It does seem to help in clarifying our objectives and communicating in a way that may be "heard" by our BPD.  Sometimes in our effort to ease their pain, we make it worse because of our communication style.

The fact is -you moved her out, right?

So, using SET or DEARMAN - how would you let her know you want to keep your communication to your son?

[Jep]

Seeking balance,

I will study these techniques. Thanks for pointing me in the right direction. And vindi also. So hard to say that one little word, but insanity not to. You are so right that saying yes only makes her happy.

Jp