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Author Topic: Depressed, Possible BPD? Narcissistic? Ex Girlfriend Left Me For Someone Else.  (Read 10964 times)
mbgeezle

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« on: July 29, 2013, 02:13:28 AM »

6 year relationship. Tried killing herself January, alcohol abuse, cocaine abuse. I stood by her through thick and thin. Put up with emotional and verbal abuse for months. Typical things where 'you don't care about me' 'I hate you' 'your a f**cking p**ck' 'what have I got to live for' 'you'll all get over it if I kill myself'. She'd be extremely paranoid, questioning me over and over about trivial nonsensical things. She'd repeat herself 3/4 times in a conversation. I paid her cocaine debt because she begged for my help. I do this and spend 2 weeks nurturing her, cooking her good food, walks in the fresh air, making sure she got enough sleep, after one binge to many. She's was on citalopram (not sure if she still is). I take her awayr for her bday at the end of these 2 weeks. Spoil her rotten and everything was great. More in love than ever. Tells me how much she loves me etc. 2 days after returning home becomes distant. Says she wants to be alone, she loves me, I'll never lose her she just needs space. Then find out there's another guy and has been for a while. I confront her at her home after she dumped me by text and ignored my calls for s week. She laughs at me the whole time I pour my heart out and really pays little to no attention to what I'm saying. Looking in people's windows who she knows etc. 'I can't believe you've come here' she said laughing. I return home heartbroken. She says she loves me with all her heart and always will, but 'not like that'. Cop out excuse for her new guy. She's still sniffing cocaine, drinking, not daily I doubt but regularly. Her new boyfriend is living at her mother's house with her and has been from near enough the beginning. I heard her brother owes money out for cocaine and attacked her mother. I text her to make sure she's ok and her mother. No reply. Ignorance. Will it last? Shows traits of BPD? Narcissistic? Never had an apology or genuine admitall of guilt either. I was loyal to this girl when most men would of ran.


I'll outline her behaviour over the years together.

- very intense first few months, madly in love, me 17/18 her 16/17. Moved into her mother's house within a few months (young, dumb)

- strong sense of ownership from her. If I went out with friends I was picking them over her, if I didn't come back when I said I was all hell would break loose, she'd ring me every 10 minutes asking me where I was etc

- chronic cannabis habit from her. I smoked, but it wasn't a problem. She had terrible mood swings, emotionally unstable. Her father is in a home from drinking himself to dementia, she has seen her mother be abused, im almost certain she has been abused herself but she wouldn't admit that

- she quit cannabis. Doting girlfriend. Did my washing, cleaning, made me sandwiches. Typical girlfriend stuff. Still always seemed like treading on egg shells. You had to be careful what you said and who you mentioned for fear of her flying off the handle

- if I mentioned things I liked or people, she'd 9 times out of 10 demonise it or them. Or quite plainly say she couldn't care less what I was saying.

- Over our last month's together (Depression started in December) suicide attempts (taking 60+ paracetamols on 2 occasions within 2 weeks) alcohol binges, to the point of blacking out, erratic cocaine use. These are just the things I know she was doing. God only knows what else. She'd ring me saying she was sad and didnt no why. I tried my best to understand and console her. Sometimes I'd deny depression existed and insisted there must be a trigger. She insisted it just happens. I put up with her verbal abuse, once or twixe when drunk she became physical. She knew how to push my buttons and get me angry to the point where I had to walk out a few times. Everything when she left was so much improved. I'd spent 2 weeks keeping her sober, getting her sleeping pattern in check as she hadn't slept properly in months

NOT one sign there was another guy, not one sign she felt any differently about me even though when she ended it by text she said she'd been feeling like it 'for a while'. She was in fact closer to me than ever. She made a point of staying the night we got back from her birthday weekend away, knowing she wouldn't see me for a week due to work commitments. She made sure she stayed that night. We woke up hand in hand like most times and that was the last time she stayed at my home.


She left me for another guy and has pretty much ignored me ever since. Last time we did speak we parted on good terms. She said she'd always love me etc. I then told her not to contact me unless it's about reconciliation (stupid I no) I contacted her a month after this saying I think I was a bit hasty saying don't contact me again unless it's about us. Offered friendship, said we could meet up for a coffee or something when she was ready. Completely ignored. I then hear about her brother attacking her mother. Then leaving there family home as he owes people money for cocaine himself. I expressed my concern and just wanted to no they were both ok. Ignorance again. So I've gone back to no contact. It seems that me being loyal, sticking by her, putting up with a unprecedented amount of verbal, emotional abuse over a sustained period and all o did was try and help the girl. She accepted my help though that is what is frustrating. But she obviously wasn't really ready to change as she is still using alcohol and cocaine. When before she had major issues with both. Surely you can't go from having major issues, to be able to do it recreationally like you or me. Factoring in her depression aswell.


I agree I should run a mile. And I have to a certain extent. I won't contact her again and I won't involve myself in her life. I'd just like some kind of clarity on why she acted the way she did towards the end not just during the relationship. There was no signs of her not 'loving me but not being in love with me'. Certainly no sign of another guy in the picture. She called on me and leaned on me for everything. Being it a shoulder to cry on, , someone to verbally abuse or rant it. No matter what it was. I saw the girl I loved try and kill herself, and systematically destroy herself in front of my very eyes and it's like she didn't think it affected me at all. Now she's 'moved on' and is 'happy with herself for once', it's like she just wants to Bury it like it never happened. I NEVER could of done anything like she had done to me, to her. Even if I had no feelings for the girl, I'd have enough respect for the years we shared to treat her with as much dignity as possible. After I stood by her through all of that, I was chucked. And when she did end it (March 27th) when we'd been celebrating her birthday (March 15-17th) in London, closer than ever. Then BOOM, my life is flipped upside down. So people agree her behaviour screams BPD? Surely she must have some kind of mental disturbance to do what she has done to me, never mind her self destructive behaviour towards herself


She was with me for 6 years though so did that by the end of it mean nothing? She didn't ever thank me for sticking by her, even when I asked her to. She never apologised for her downright disgusting treatment of me. I was by no means the perfect boyfriend, but who is? When called upon, I stood by her when most men would of ran I stood. Did everything and anything possible to help her. How she has managed to cut me loose like she has, move on to a new guy, move him in to her mother's house almost straight away, and then ignore me when I show concern about something I've heard. Not even 'im fine, thanks for your concern'. Why is that impossible for her?

When she broke my heart, I said everyone we know/knew now knows what you are ' they all love me' she replied. I said who loves you, 'everyone so f**k off'. She then proceeded to say I was crazy, how ironic when she was the one with mental health issues?

I wonder if this new relationship she is in will last. For her sake not for me getting back together with her etc. She'll be painting the picture now that's she's worth it and amazing no doubt. They've been together 4 months or so officially. I'm sure he knows she lied to him, said she hadn't seen her ex in a year, she was with me 3/4 days a week. She said she was going to stay with her aunt, to him and her friend, she was with me as I cared for her and nurtured her after her latest binge where she begged for my help. This is when she took the 100 pounds off me to pay her cocaine debt knowing full well she was at the very least emotionally cheating on me. This is not the actions of a well person wouldn't you agree?


When I think more deeply into her behaviour it screams BPD in so many ways. I always used to tell her to 'grow up'. This was when she'd cause arguments over absolutely nothing. Make issues where there didn't need to be any etc. When her face told a thousand stories about her mood, she'd look drawn out and down in the dumps. I'd ask what's wrong, 'I'm fine, there's nothing wrong' but there quite obviously was. I'd always say just tell me what's the matter 'nothing I'm fine'. She'd take things I said far to seriously. If I'd make a joke about her or something sher did in a light hearted manner she'd take it badly and flip out. Her drinking was out of control, she'd drink a bottle of wine like water. She came to the point of begging me for one more drink. She rang her father up (who is in a home due to alcohol abuse), to tell him she tried to kill herself, while she's extremely intoxicated herself). I tried to stop her from ringing him and she lashed out at me twice. Then cried her eyes out. I held her in my arms.

She would sit there itching for a drink. I'd say here you go take the money and go and get a bottle. 'No you'll hold it against me'. She's not alcohol dependent but she's a alcoholic. Does this certify even more that my thinking is correct that she has BPD? The inability to admit she's done wrong to, admit things she knows are true because she is ashamed, even to close friends. She flat our denied there was anyone else until she was caught out and even then it was a one word 'yes' answer when confronted. She proceeded to tell me I was Crazy, obsessed and needed help when she ended things and I found out about the other guy, how she'd used me and lied to me for weeks, possibly months on end. When asked why she came away with me for her birthday if she didn't love me she said she 'didn't no' and according to her we 'weren't even together'. So if we weren't together why would I go out my way to make your birthday as special as possible, and stick by you through all of this? I wouldn't, I'd of ran like any man. 'I don't no' is her favourite answer for any questions about her actions. Another thing that reaffirms my suspicions of BPD?

Will this new relationship last? Or will there be a 6-12 month honeymoon period until the cracks start appearing? Leaving me for another guy made me feel so inadequate. But not now. She literally left me for him, i did not see one sign of deceit or lies about that. She lied so much though when i think back to it. I said to her a few times have you cheated (this was after alcohol binges where she'd ring me up the next day screaming asking what had happened), of course I haven't. She even said when she broke it off, and I suggested there was someone else 'is that what you think of me? I could move on just like that, what do you take me for'. Loads of false promises towards the end. She said she'd come and at least talk face to face, 'I promise' I said do not promise if you don't mean it 'I promised didn't I' was her reply. Never came. She actually started it off by saying she needed space (this new guy was obviously not set in stone to take up where i left off yet), I said we'll go to the cinema and watch a film, -send me what's on, I'd love to go' she never came. Course I love you, "your not losing me, I do everything for you, I'm not saying we won't get back together, im saying I just need to be alone for a while because I never have, have I. Straight into the arms of another man


When I first met her, she was an extremely angry young girl. She went to college as she didn't really attend high school. She would wake up in the morning and instantly be angry, crash and banging, constant face of thunder I liked to call it. But it really was for no reason other than having to do something she didn't want to do.

The paranoia about me began. Who are you with? What are you doing? How long will you be? What's the price of gold? You get the picture. I never said your paranoid or whatever but it was evident she was. She was a great girlfriend nonetheless. She'd look after me by washing, cleaning, cooking. She was great for that. But emotionally she was unstable. She always told me she was a virgin when we met. I always knew that wasn't the case but she persistently said she was. I left it but I no and everyone who knows her knows it is a lie. Her cannabis use was daily, if she didn't get it she'd be angry. I was the same for a time but I got mine under control. I knew there was a problem and took steps solving it





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mbgeezle

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« Reply #1 on: July 29, 2013, 02:14:44 AM »

Her father is a alcoholic. She has 2 older brother's (same father), one younger sister (different father). Her dad was a alcoholic, functioning alcoholic, he didn't hit her mum or anything like that but they split up anyway when she was about 8/10 and she lived with her mum. Her mum was unstable for s few years, the 2 brothers where troublesome and would get into trouble with drugs and the law. She didn't really go to school, she always said her and her mum hated each other for years. She met her sisters father and it all went downhill, he was physically abusive to her mother and she saw this. He also sexually assaulted her and I'm almost sure he did the same to my ex. She always expressed how much she hated the guy. He used to be extremely inappropriate. He left her mother out of the blue, she had his child and her mum then got a stress disorder after giving birth that pregnant women get. My ex said she basically brought her younger sister up for a few years because her mother was a angry, volatile, mess to put it Frank. My ex was 14/15 at the time. Shes been through a lot no doubt. Her dads in a home now from drinking herself to dementia, her mum is ok now and is a great woman with a good heart, one brother is ok and has a girlfriend and children, he still had alcohol problems when I last heard, drinking most days etc. Another functioning alcoholic. Her oldest brother is the one who is im debt for cocaine, on it every day, 29 years old. Back living with his mother when he moved away a few years ago, had a good job, home of is own ane chucked it away to come back. He hit his mother, smashed doors at the house and hasn't been seen since apparently because he owes so much money out.

I understand co dependency and understand I do have some issues with it. I wouldn't say the relationship was all bad because it wasn't. But thinking back her problems where evident after the intense honeymoon period ended. Moving in almost straight away was a dumb move for a young teenager like me and her. We lived in each other's pockets from day one basically. We never really went ot for meals or stuff during our whole relationship. We did spend a lot of quality time though.

Her alcohol use became more prominent over the last 3/4 months together. I remember us going out for a meal and ordering a taxi home. She'd had 3 or so large glasses of wine and began crying. That was the day this downward spiral began. It was about her father and if he was going to be ok. He'd blacked out after drinking to much and she was worried so rang his home to check he was ok. He was thankfully. She cried for a long time asking me to confirm he'd be ok. I obviously said I couldn't guarantee anything and he'd made his choice and couldn't take it back but you can. Her alcohol binges became weekly (3 times a week or so) she'd drink to the point of ringing me and just rambling complete nonsense. Verbally abuse me saying she hated me and I didn't care about her and whatever other profanities she could throw at me. Or she'd ring me crying saying she's sad and doesn't no why. I'd question her as there must be a trigger, 'it just happens' 'it runs in my family'. I denied this sometimes but still tried to console her the best I could. Then suicide attempt number one, taking numerous tablets. I couldn't bring myself to go to her bedside. I was angry, confused, upset, distraught. I was being weak. A week or so later same again. This time I rushed to her bedside. She looked a mess and I couldn't believe my eyes. The girl I love doing this? No way! I was cold with her, why are you doing this etc. I stroked her hair until she fell asleep and left. Whispered I love you. She still continued drinking after this whilst taking anti depressant medication. I didn't no about the cocaine use until she told me she needed my help because she didn't no what to do. I paid the debt, begrudgingly and she seemed to think me moaning about paying it meant I was the bad guy. I had a right to be angry. I then suggested she stayed with me for the foreseeable future. She agreed and so did her mother, me and her mother always spoke about how to help her and support her. I spent those 2 weeks keeping her alcohol free, no drugs, good food, walks, making sure she got enough sleep. She hadn't slept properly in months. She had one drink on her birthday and she changed instantly. Ringing her dad, frantically searching the Internet for the number so she could tell him she attempted suicide, I tried grabbing the phone off her and she hit me twice. She then proceeded to tell me I didn't no what she'd been through or seen. I told her to talk about it, unburden herself. She'd say a few words and lock up again. I then take her away for her birthday and everything seemingly is great. We have a great weekend, minus one drinking episode, again. When I said she'd had enough as she could barely stand. She said I was trying to be the father she never had etc. I was the bad guy.

We return home, she makes a point of staying that night because she knew she wouldn't see me for a week due to work commitments. She left as normal. Rang me later that day as normal. Normal conversation and love yous and that was that. Then came the ignoring and ending of our relationship by text.
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mbgeezle

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« Reply #2 on: July 29, 2013, 02:29:26 AM »

 I've been told by a close mutual friend that she 'sniffs to much' and 'can't afford to keep doing it like she does'. So this suggests to me that it's a regular occurrence. Our mutual friend says she speaks off to the shop to by alcohol when she says there not drinking etc. She should be drinking nothing and taking nothing else when recovering from her suicide attempts and major alcohol problems. She was using alcohol and cocaine as a coping mechanism. She still had these problems in March when I last saw her and our mutual friend said as little as 2 weeks ago she was doing the same. Her new man facilitates this behaviour and I made it more difficult for her to behave this way because I genuinely care about her. He obviously has no clue about her issues or if he does, he's enabling her on this downward spiral. Even if she's doing it once a week and getting drunk once a week this is once to many. I saw, heard and had to put up with the fall out of her drinking and cocaine use.

You can't go from having major issues with both to be able to do it recreationally. She lied about her drinking, when she was In hospital after her suicide attempt, the nurse asked her if she'd been drinking when she had taken the overdose of paracetamol, she said no, outright. I'm almost sure she had been. This was back in late January. She came to my house once stinking of wine, I suggested she'd been drinking, she said she'd had one glass of wine the night before with her mum, I didn't believe that for a second. She used to lie and say her and one other girl would drink and drink until she was a drunken rambling mess. She was obviously with a group of people she didn't want me to know about.

I've turned alot of what's happened inwards and I understand my faults and co dependency traits. I understand that I ended up with this girl due to my own insecurities. I was a angry, confused kid when I met her and not ready for a relationship, her the same. I've emotionally matured and realised what the issues are and put in measures to get through it. She seems to be stuck, if anything she's gone backwards. Why does someone leave someone for someone else? After everything I went through with her, i suffered just like she did, I never once thought about giving up on her, she made out to me like she wanted the help, I put up with so much emotional torment, if anything me sticking by her should of made her love me more. It should of shown my loyalty to her and how much I cared about her wellbeing. According to her I acted like the father she never had. Because I put up boundaries she didn't want to adhere to. She said all the right things but did neither. When asked how long she'd been feeling different about me she said 'a while'. How could she no what she was feeling was reality? She was a mess but didn't want to admit that either. January depression and suicide attempts, late March, dumping me for another guy, said she wanted to be alone, didn't love me anymore. As little as the 17th March we where closer than we had been in a long time. She even said we are getting on so much better and hugged me tight. I bought a ring and was going to propose. To give her that goal to look forward too. A focus. She hadn't sniffed cocaine for 2 weeks, slight slip ups with the alcohol but she said that was enough because she couldn't have a good relationship with it.

I'm sorry about the length of my story. It is extremely complex but i needed to make sure i got everything out there, her behavioral patterns etc to determine wether she does show the main traits of BPD or just down right cold, disgusting behavior. Theres alot to take in and read, but if anyone can offer support, i thought here could. I'd just like some answers to the questions i've asked. I suppose to gain my own closure from this mess. She is not likely to ever give me any.
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mbgeezle

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« Reply #3 on: July 29, 2013, 05:25:16 AM »

Any advice? It'd be good to no that what i've been through is due to a disorder my ex has, in one way or another, not just a cold hearted human being with no morals. I don't want to think that of her. I no a diagnosis cannot be given, but from what i've written, it can be possible to see the red flags. Any help would be greatly received.
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mbgeezle

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« Reply #4 on: July 29, 2013, 07:23:08 AM »

I no there is a lot to take in and read. I can't afford therapy. I am so upset and down at the moment. She's just cut me out and ignored me since I contacted her last 2 or so weeks ago. Not even a reply. I can't get my head round how this has happened or why it happened. I'm becoming depressed myself. I'm working out and doing everything I can to move forward but I'm really struggling still. If anyone can break down the mass I have written and offer and advice or support I'd greatly appreciate it.
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mbgeezle

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« Reply #5 on: July 29, 2013, 09:13:36 AM »

Any advice please? I don't want to break NC to try and dig for answers she's not going to give me. If you can give me any clarity then this will help me a great deal. I would go to therapy but the cost is unmanageable for me.
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LivingTheNightmare
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« Reply #6 on: July 29, 2013, 10:10:25 AM »

I can't offer any advice, but I CAN tell you that what you've described sounds very similar to what I, and I'm sure a lot of other people on here, am going through... .

If I'm right about my ex then I would say she probably is BPD and in my (very little) experience, nothing they do really makes sense. I would like to believe that a 6 year relationship (in your case, mine was 4) still has some meaning to her, and that she will eventually 'snap back'

my ex tried therapy, but couldn't stick with it... . there were always those shining moments when she would realise what she had done though and come back to me apologizing and promising that she would sort herself out... . sadly that thought process never lasted long enough for her to follow it through :/

I don't think it devalues the relationship you had with her... . and I wish I knew what goes through their head when they move on so quickly. I think they're literally just that unpredictable

Sorry, that's the best i can offer... . but I'd love to see what other people think as my ex is currently with someone who drinks, does drugs, and parties every night... . it's funny how they tend to be attracted to that kind of person/lifestyle :s I noticed that things got difficult in our relationship when I started to settle down and grow up. When I got more interested in going to the cinema instead of a pub or club is when she said she started to get bored... .

Make of it what you will.
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mbgeezle

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« Reply #7 on: July 29, 2013, 10:19:07 AM »

The point you make about when you started to settle down and grow up rings true with me also. She used to call me a 'grandad' and said I was to old for my own good. I'm 24 but I've had to grow up fast. Lived away from home since 16 etc. I on the other hand used to tell her to grow up all the time because of her immature behaviour, she'd always say no I don't want too, or your a grandad as I've stated. She actually left me when we'd arranged to go to cinema and shopping. She never came. Dumped me by text a few days later. I hope people take the time to read my story and offer advice because right now I need it.
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mbgeezle

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« Reply #8 on: July 29, 2013, 10:21:41 AM »

Oh and I was boring.  She said this to me over the phone when she'd broken my heart and said she should of left me years ago. That burnt. I'm just settled. Or I was until she made me feel so inadequate. She used to say it all the time. When I stopped drinking after so many drinks, I was boring etc. She'd drink a bottle of wine like it was nothing.
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bpdspell
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« Reply #9 on: July 29, 2013, 10:31:53 AM »

Mbegeezie,

Right now your best offense is to read and learn about the disorder of BPD. The BPD dance takes two to tango. This means that it isn't only our ex's who are not right but it's us as well. Many of us on here can relate to your story of toxic dysfunction and being trauma bonded. I can assure you that the label doesn't matter as much as your ex's behavior towards herself and you and your need to rescue her and be her knight in shining armor.

From the posts you have written I can see your emotionally hemorrhaging. This is a common response to trauma. This forum is life saving and cathartic and is immensely valuable in validating what you have experienced with your ex. There is a lot to learn.

In addition to being mentally ill you ex seems to struggle with depression, suicidal ideation and addiction. You are emotionally attached and bonded but in time the light will come on and you will learn that you cannot fix her problems with your love.

Yes. Love is healing. But it isn't the cure all that we all on here have hoped it to be. You cannot rescue others from themselves. Your girlfriend from the beginning showed you through her anger that all was not well with her and I'm sure if you look back and do lots of recalling you'll start to see the glaring red flags.

She was this way before you came into the picture and you did not cause her to be angry, sick, drug addicted and depressed. These are her behaviors designed to cover up her shame, emptiness, numbness and her immense daily emotional pain.

It's unfortunate that you don't have access to a therapist but you can post on here and read the stories of others. Your ex is seriously mentally ill. She's not selfish. She's sick in the head and heart. Yes. They victimize us and abuse us but we are also in part responsible for how we allowed them to treat us. It's not something that those of us want to hear but it's the truth. I allowed my BPDexbf to take my hard earned money. I cooked for him. Cleaned his room. Helped him to earn his driver's license. I even supported his weed and nicotine habit! All for him to cheat on me, lie to my face, physically assault me... . and then turn around and blame me for his behavior. But every time he'd say "sorry" or tell me how much he loved and needed me I'd let him back with the promise of his empty words.

Sometimes we need to admit to ourselves our own level of desperation to be loved and feeling deserving of their abuse towards us.

The more you read about BPD the more things will click and begin to make sense. These are the first steps we take to depersonalize their behavior.

As for her abandoning you and being with the next guy... . it does feel cruel but in many ways it is atypical of the detachment disorder of BPD. Again. You cannot fix this. What you need to do at some point is take some personal inventory. I can see that you are very much attached to her but you need to ask yourself why you want to be with someone who treated you so poorly? Why do you want to be with someone who is controlled by their addiction? Someone who has betrayed your trust? Someone who has a history of lying to you? Someone who has taken your kindness for weakness? Someone who has manipulated you to fix her problems while you sacrifice yourself?

You may not have the answers to these questions but pondering over them are a good start.

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mbgeezle

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« Reply #10 on: July 29, 2013, 10:54:06 AM »

Thanks alot for your reply . I've read up extensively on BPD and a lot does click but I'm no expert  that's why I've outlined her behaviours in extreme detail and certain instances that happened. Especially over our last month's together when her depression came out more than ever. I no I have co dependency issues. I no I should of walked away but I loved her so much, she said many times she wanted to stop drinking etc so I did my best to support her. It's the instances I've mentioned I feel that can clarify my thoughts that she does suffer from some sort of personality disorder. How she could just cut me out like I never existed is what is crazy to me. Only because she had a replacement. She would never of left me to be alone I no that.

I no I must turn this inwards to myself and I have been doing. I no what issues I have and how to work through them and to take the focus off my ex. I'd just like to no that it's her disorder that has in effect made her behave so disgustingly towards me.  There was not one sign she was emotionally cheating. She was closer to me than ever when she left. If you read my story above you'll  read about when she did actually leave. People will then understand how much it destroyed me. I'm a lot better now but I still dwell on things. Because I'm so confused about how this has happened still if I'm honest, 4 months on.
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bpdspell
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« Reply #11 on: July 29, 2013, 11:09:35 AM »

There was not one sign she was emotionally cheating. She was closer to me than ever when she left. If you read my story above you'll  read about when she did actually leave. People will then understand how much it destroyed me. I'm a lot better now but I still dwell on things. Because I'm so confused about how this has happened still if I'm honest, 4 months on.

You don't need to be an expert on BPD to understand that you are attached to a person who's capacity to nurture you, be reciprocal in love and empathy is severely limited.. I know you are deeply wounded and hurting and feeling confused depressed and sad but trying to decipher her every action and blaming yourself for not heeding the warning signals will only continue to feed the narrative that her abandoning you is all your fault.

Well it isn't. She cannot be fixed by you or anyone for that matter. And the new guy will see the real her in due time. And it won't be pretty. She will not be fixed or magically cured for the new guy. She will be the same angry, embittered, mentally ill, drug addicted woman you've come to know in the last six years.

Mbgeezie. It will take time to accept that your ex is really mentally ill. You cannot repair her to love you. She is a very sick woman.

Keep posting when you need to vent or personal message me. I'm here to validate and listen.

Spell
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« Reply #12 on: July 29, 2013, 11:15:49 AM »

I'm no that her leaving me is no way my fault. This is her illness. I also no, no one will be able to fix her. She has to do this. I wanted the certain instances and certain behaviours to be deciphered, so I could determine wether it is BPD that she suffers from. Her lack of empathy towards me after breaking my heart. Never an apology, no admitall really of anything she did. Even if you pick a few of many instances from the ones I've listed that show major traits of a mental disorder of some kind. Also her cocaine use may not be daily but it will be often. Also binge drinking. Our mutual friend wouldn't of said what she did if she wasn't concerned.
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« Reply #13 on: July 29, 2013, 11:27:41 AM »

Oh and I was boring.  She said this to me over the phone when she'd broken my heart and said she should of left me years ago. That burnt. I'm just settled. Or I was until she made me feel so inadequate. She used to say it all the time. When I stopped drinking after so many drinks, I was boring etc. She'd drink a bottle of wine like it was nothing.

Yeah i got the same response. I actually stopped going out because it wasn't worth the hassle of having other girls come up to me, whether I knew them or not... . even just to ask for a lighter. Or perhaps the woman behind the bar would be attractive, either way I knew that going out on nights out would raise the chances of causing an argument and that by spending my time with her in the privacy of our own home, she would be in a better mood for it (i.e. avoiding possible triggers).

I didn't have many friends left anyway, and if I did then they would usually have girls, possibly girls that I used to know, hanging around with them.

And then of course she missed going out and drinking, she got bored of spending all our time indoors and told me that she wanted someone that she could go out with and have a good time with, not realising that the whole reason I took a step back from the social scene was in an attempt to make her more comfortable with her jealousy... .

Sure enough, she has gone out with this guy nearly every night since they started sleeping together. Drinking nearly every night... . leading the lifestyle that her and I used to live a few years ago before I calmed down a bit.

I also changed the way I dressed and ended up blending in a lot more, I think that was subconscious so that she wouldn't worry about other girls stealing me away so much... . but then she left for a guy who has the same image that I did when I met her. It's all come full circle now. The things that I changed about myself to make her feel more secure and comfortable are the things that she now misses... . and she's gone right back to square one with this new guy. It's a catch 22 with her, and I'm sure it's the same for many other sufferers of BPD :/

That's the only sense that I can make of it, especially as I stopped drinking as much (because she didn't like how I got when I was drunk... . )
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« Reply #14 on: July 29, 2013, 11:31:35 AM »

I wanted the certain instances and certain behaviours to be deciphered, so I could determine wether it is BPD that she suffers from.

The behaviors you describe are not healthy, but only a trained professional meeting with HER can determine a BPD diagnosis.

I can understand wanting to know "for sure" as it can give a sense of control over what feels uncontrollable - is that what is going on with you right now? 
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« Reply #15 on: July 29, 2013, 11:41:22 AM »

Not really. It's just to understand that her behaviour is that of a mentally unwell person. Obviously the suicide  attempts and depression state this. But she was/is taking anti depressant medication. Not sure if she still is.  I don't want control of her life I need to take control of mine and I understand that. But from what you've read, and the instances and behaviour and her just cutting me out, out of the blue for another guy, lying consistently etc, would this lean towards BPD? I no., no one can diagnose her here with conviction
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« Reply #16 on: July 29, 2013, 11:49:55 AM »

Not really. It's just to understand that her behaviour is that of a mentally unwell person.

From what you have written, there are stories here similar and you definitely have been living with a lot of chaos.

I know when we love someone and they cut us off in a drastic manner it can be devastating.  Be good to yourself right now. 

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« Reply #17 on: July 29, 2013, 11:57:21 AM »

I always felt as though if there is a woman in there who loves me, and wants to be with me, and is struggling with these emotions and mood swings then who am I to say that that person doesn't deserve to be with someone? As everyone on here generally seems to agree... . they can't help their mood swings or how they feel, they never asked to have this disorder and for that reason, it's a lot harder for me to take these things personally now. It's the uncertainty that I had trouble with, the randomness of her moods. I don't hold the things she says or does when she's in a mood against her by any means. I realise that I'm the one with a clearer head, and I should be able to control my own emotions better... . especially my anger. I shouldn't expect her to be able to react the same way that I do and I feel that, at certain times, I was a bit too hard on her. Looking back, my anger was counter-productive and I was the one who chose to stay with her, knowing what that would entail.

I guess I just feel like if the roles were reversed, I wouldn't want the person I love to give up on me... . even if that's what i thought I wanted at the time :s

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« Reply #18 on: July 29, 2013, 11:58:47 AM »

Of course that's assuming that they are capable of love... . and that I wasn't just a placeholder until the next thrill came along. This is assuming that she did experience that bond with me, and that it's still there somewhere... . that I haven't been completely replaced.

Sadly, that thought may be a little too optimistic... .
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« Reply #19 on: July 29, 2013, 02:38:31 PM »

I understand what your going though OP. I was laughed at when I tried to work things out with my fiance. I am so angry, I did everything right, I put up with her crap and loved her to the best of my abilities and I get dumped and now another man is having sex with the woman I love all bc of some stupid BPD crap! Sigh let me calm down. ok and did I mention the guy she left me for isn't half the man I am, hell I have something actually going for me and he's just a loser who doesn't even have a high school diploma! You love someone, treat them with respect and care and this is the punishment we get? We are on a talking site venting bc we are hurting so intensely while the ones we love are out having sex with anybody that comes their way. My self esteem is so shot I don't even leave my house anymore while she's out partying it up with all her fake friends  . I am on pills for the first time in my life bc my doctor said I have developed some kind of depression anxiety thing to where if I hear something about her I tend to go crazy literally. I tell ya I hope things get better bc right now I am so sad. I'm hanging in there though and you can too. I know its hard but like my doctor said she did you a favor, I would have likely killed myself if she was still with me abusing and putting me down like she did. Yes it was that bad
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« Reply #20 on: July 29, 2013, 02:48:59 PM »

I always felt as though if there is a woman in there who loves me, and wants to be with me, and is struggling with these emotions and mood swings then who am I to say that that person doesn't deserve to be with someone? As everyone on here generally seems to agree... . they can't help their mood swings or how they feel, they never asked to have this disorder and for that reason, it's a lot harder for me to take these things personally now. It's the uncertainty that I had trouble with, the randomness of her moods. I don't hold the things she says or does when she's in a mood against her by any means. I realise that I'm the one with a clearer head, and I should be able to control my own emotions better... . especially my anger. I shouldn't expect her to be able to react the same way that I do and I feel that, at certain times, I was a bit too hard on her. Looking back, my anger was counter-productive and I was the one who chose to stay with her, knowing what that would entail.

I guess I just feel like if the roles were reversed, I wouldn't want the person I love to give up on me... . even if that's what i thought I wanted at the time :s

What sort of therapy program is she in and does she truly want to change or is she wanting the pain to stop?

What type of therapy are you in if you are going to be the person who is her support system?
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« Reply #21 on: July 29, 2013, 02:56:44 PM »

I understand what your going though OP. I was laughed at when I tried to work things out with my fiance. I am so angry, I did everything right, I put up with her crap and loved her to the best of my abilities and I get dumped and now another man is having sex with the woman I love all bc of some stupid BPD crap! Sigh let me calm down. ok and did I mention the guy she left me for isn't half the man I am, hell I have something actually going for me and he's just a loser who doesn't even have a high school diploma! You love someone, treat them with respect and care and this is the punishment we get? We are on a talking site venting bc we are hurting so intensely while the ones we love are out having sex with anybody that comes their way. My self esteem is so shot I don't even leave my house anymore while she's out partying it up with all her fake friends  . I am on pills for the first time in my life bc my doctor said I have developed some kind of depression anxiety thing to where if I hear something about her I tend to go crazy literally. I tell ya I hope things get better bc right now I am so sad. I'm hanging in there though and you can too. I know its hard but like my doctor said she did you a favor, I would have likely killed myself if she was still with me abusing and putting me down like she did. Yes it was that bad

This is good. You're getting your feelings out of your system. And you're right. A BPD relationship is now way to live life.  She did do you a favor... . but it takes time to sink in. Continue to feel your sad feelings... . it will make you a stronger person.

Love isn't about sacrificing ourselves for another person. In this respect we give them way too much power and influence over the happiness of our lives.

And so what she's having sex with other men? Will that make her happy in the long run? I know the betrayal and being abandoned hurts but trust me when I tell you their lives are no party! You spent six years with her. Was that a perfect party or mostly a waking nightmare? There are plenty of good times with them but usually the bad outweighs the good.

It helps to compose a list of good and bad as a visual. On my list there were 3-4 good things and about 35-40 horrible things. Very imbalanced.

It's a trauma bond and we're addicted to the belief that they're the only ones who have the keys to our happiness and it's not true.

Spell
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« Reply #22 on: July 29, 2013, 05:03:50 PM »

I always felt as though if there is a woman in there who loves me, and wants to be with me, and is struggling with these emotions and mood swings then who am I to say that that person doesn't deserve to be with someone? As everyone on here generally seems to agree... . they can't help their mood swings or how they feel, they never asked to have this disorder and for that reason, it's a lot harder for me to take these things personally now. It's the uncertainty that I had trouble with, the randomness of her moods. I don't hold the things she says or does when she's in a mood against her by any means. I realise that I'm the one with a clearer head, and I should be able to control my own emotions better... . especially my anger. I shouldn't expect her to be able to react the same way that I do and I feel that, at certain times, I was a bit too hard on her. Looking back, my anger was counter-productive and I was the one who chose to stay with her, knowing what that would entail.

I guess I just feel like if the roles were reversed, I wouldn't want the person I love to give up on me... . even if that's what i thought I wanted at the time :s

What sort of therapy program is she in and does she truly want to change or is she wanting the pain to stop?

What type of therapy are you in if you are going to be the person who is her support system?

She wanted to change, but we're not together anymore and now I think she would rather go through life allowing this to determine her choices as it's easier than fighting with it. I think she did want to change, she went to 4 doctors and they all told her to go to a drop in counselling service (which is what I had a year ago to help me cope), but this service is aimed more at kids trying to cope with teenage problems and none of the counsellors there know anything about psychology or therapy programmes. She did get referred to a psychologist once but he wasn't much better, and told her to go the the afore mentioned counselling service to help sort out her 'abandonment issues'.

Like I've stressed before, I'm no doctor and certainly am not quick to diagnose her, but when compared with all the stories on here and other places around the internet, she's a textbook example... . I do not know what she was saying in her appointment as I wasn't there, but I feel like she left a lot of how she feels out because we were both almost certain that we were making headway when the doctor finally referred her to a psychologist.

She tried hypnotherapy, but of course that didn't work... . and then she gave up, and left :/

As for me, I had a psychoanalyst for the better part of this year, but he wasn't helping me to cope with the relationship, rather he was trying to help me to move on from it... . when I wasn't sure that that was what I wanted to do. The best he came up with was that I had an Oedipus complex (first time with a psychoanalyst and he plays the clich├ęd Freud card :s)

I would push her to go to this counsellor for more than 2 or 3 weeks before giving up (which is what she did on a handful of occasions) so that IF it didn't help, she could at least tell the next doctor that she had already tried it and it wasn't working. She wouldn't go after her 2 or 3rd week because she was convinced that it wouldn't help her and was a waste of time :/
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« Reply #23 on: July 30, 2013, 02:18:11 AM »

I no my ex is receiving no therapy. She always said talking didn't help. If anyone can read through some instances and some of her behaviours and attempt to determine what this may lead to, it'd help a great deal. I was in denial myself about her depression existing. I told her there must be a trigger. 'It just happens' 'there is no reason for it'. I was naive and confused. Some of her behaviour, especially the way she treated me isn't the girl I know or loved. Especially towards the end. Her lying and leaving me for another guy I still cannot believe.  I no its happened but the girl I loved wouldn't of lied and deceived me like she did.
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