We can trigger their bad moods, is it possible to bring them out of it as well?

[LivingTheNightmare]

So I know that a lot of the things I have said and done, unintentionally, have suddenly sent her off into a mood (dysregulation?), and I can understand how these things can be triggers. But once they're in that mood, can we bring them back, as it were? Or must it run it's course?

While most of the time that I talk to her when she's like this I feel like everything I say, regardless of whether it's angry or affectionate, will result in a nasty 'I hate you' kind of comment. Sometimes, usually when she's been drinking, she will start to soften up a little bit and I can see some of her old self, and her affection, come back somewhat. Only a tiny degree however... . for instance, if I ask her if she still loves me, she would reply with something neutral... . not exactly positive, but certainly not the usual 'no, I don't love you, leave me alone' response. As if she doesn't want to admit that she's having second thoughts about everything, but she doesn't feel the need to be nasty either... . is it possible that something I said got through to her? Or was it the alcohol and just chance that her mood started to brighten very slightly in that moment?

I know that in the past we have gotten very close to resolving one of these mood swings at night, and the next morning she's back to her 'evil' self, as if nothing that was said the previous night mattered... . sometimes I think that everything I say goes in one ear and out the other and her moods change regardless... . almost like rolling dice every morning and seeing what mood she lands on :s

Is there any point in talking to her at all right now? Will anything I say actually affect how she feels? Or could I/should I just leave her alone indefinitely until she changes her own mind and comes back and apologises? (We all know there's a good chance of this happening, especially since the guy she's with right now isn't exactly prince charming)

I wonder if the things I say will only make things worse, or not affect her at all... . it just feels that if I could put her into these moods with something I said inadvertently then it must make a difference if I say the right thing when she's in this mood. What do you guys think? Am I clutching at straws here? Or do the things I say make a difference? I feel like if I stop talking to her, it will prolong all of this because she will simply stop thinking about me altogether :/

When her moods started, years ago now, they used to last about 10-20 minutes, then an hour or two, then half a day before it became several days, then weeks at a time of splitting me black, and drowning her sorrows. But back when it started (again, I believe this is dysregulation) I could talk to her and hold her, and manage to snap her out of it... . at least, that's what I thought was happening. Maybe nothing I ever said in those times was responsible for her 'coming back', it was just coincidence? As time went on they got worse. I'm not even sure if this is a BPD thing, or if it's something else that's the matter with her. Does any of this sound familiar to you guys?

Thanks

[momtara]

I've found that some have to run their course, and others are short lived.  My husband's moods last 3 days if severe.  However, occasionally they are shorter.  If I tiptoe enough and stay affectionate, sometimes they end earlier.  But sometimes I can try as hard as I can - beg and plead to start off the next day in a good mood - and it doesn't work. Some of them just need to last the 3 days.  Then suddenly a switch gets turned and he's back to normal.  I think everyone is different.

[maryy16]

Honestly, I don't think there is anything we can do to "bring them back" once they have gone off the deep end.  My H has explained to me that when he's raging he "hears" what I'm saying, but he's so angry that it all doesn't make sense to him at the time or change the way he feels in any manner whatsoever.

He says that once he calms down and the cycle has run its course, only then can he process what I said during the rage. 

[LivingTheNightmare]

The big question is, will staying in contact with them whilst they're angry with you prolong the mood? Or ensure that you're in the back of their mind despite the inexplicable way they're acting? And by the same token, will going NC make them forget about you completely, thus prolonging the mood, or make them come back to you harbouring little to no negative emotions as you weren't responsible for provoking any negative feelings during that time?

Does that make sense? :s

[seeking balance]

The big question is, will staying in contact with them whilst they're angry with you prolong the mood? Or ensure that you're in the back of their mind despite the inexplicable way they're acting? And by the same token, will going NC make them forget about you completely, thus prolonging the mood, or make them come back to you harbouring little to no negative emotions as you weren't responsible for provoking any negative feelings during that time?

Does that make sense? :s

It is up to a pwBPD to learn to regulate themselves.  As such, contact with you in an effort to control the situation is not helpful to either of you.

When your partner dysregulates, what do you do to take care of yourself?

[LivingTheNightmare]

The big question is, will staying in contact with them whilst they're angry with you prolong the mood? Or ensure that you're in the back of their mind despite the inexplicable way they're acting? And by the same token, will going NC make them forget about you completely, thus prolonging the mood, or make them come back to you harbouring little to no negative emotions as you weren't responsible for provoking any negative feelings during that time?

Does that make sense? :s

It is up to a pwBPD to learn to regulate themselves.  As such, contact with you in an effort to control the situation is not helpful to either of you.

When your partner dysregulates, what do you do to take care of yourself?

That's a good question, and the truthful answer is nothing... . I know that someone with BPD fears abandonment above all, and when she dysregulated I would focus my attention on her, or 'fixing' the problem. I always felt that if I took a step back and let her cool off then she would feel that I abandoned her :/

[seeking balance]

That's a good question, and the truthful answer is nothing... . I know that someone with BPD fears abandonment above all, and when she dysregulated I would focus my attention on her, or 'fixing' the problem. I always felt that if I took a step back and let her cool off then she would feel that I abandoned her :/

Well, what exactly did you do for her? 

There is a huge difference between validating her emotion and enabling her to stay a victim.

[shieldedheart]

The big question is, will staying in contact with them whilst they're angry with you prolong the mood? Or ensure that you're in the back of their mind despite the inexplicable way they're acting? And by the same token, will going NC make them forget about you completely, thus prolonging the mood, or make them come back to you harbouring little to no negative emotions as you weren't responsible for provoking any negative feelings during that time?

Does that make sense? :s

It is up to a pwBPD to learn to regulate themselves.  As such, contact with you in an effort to control the situation is not helpful to either of you.

When your partner dysregulates, what do you do to take care of yourself?

That's a good question, and the truthful answer is nothing... . I know that someone with BPD fears abandonment above all, and when she dysregulated I would focus my attention on her, or 'fixing' the problem. I always felt that if I took a step back and let her cool off then she would feel that I abandoned her :/

This is emotional blackmail.  By staying around, my BPDwife says she associates the issue with me.  You can sit there quietly but silence is torture or judgemental to a BPD person.  I have been accused of having an attitude just by sitting in a chair next to her.  Get out of the room.  Take a walk.  Dno't stick around to be abused.

[LivingTheNightmare]

I would argue with her at first... . before I became more sensitive to the possible issue behind it all... . then I would reassure her, later in the relationship. Sometimes my temper would get the best of me but for the most part I would talk to her and explain the situation (whatever it may be that set her off) in as many ways as I could before she started to see some sense to what I saying... . that didn't happen that often come to think about it :s

I never did do enough research to learn how to cope with those moods :/ I am still young and obviously I mad a lot of mistakes also. The biggest one was probably arguing back :/

[seeking balance]

I would argue with her at first... . before I became more sensitive to the possible issue behind it all... . then I would reassure her, later in the relationship. Sometimes my temper would get the best of me but for the most part I would talk to her and explain the situation (whatever it may be that set her off) in as many ways as I could before she started to see some sense to what I saying... . that didn't happen that often come to think about it :s

I never did do enough research to learn how to cope with those moods :/ I am still young and obviously I mad a lot of mistakes also. The biggest one was probably arguing back :/

There is a lot of great info on the staying board, have you read through the lessons?

Do you understand setting boundaries, validation and how to handle triggers?

[LivingTheNightmare]

I attempted to set boundaries, but I think I was a little too stern in the way I did it... . she thought I was controlling her and would start an argument if I put my foot down and said something along the lines of 'I have to be able to be around other women to do my job'

As for validation, I always tried to use it when I could, in fact I used it today when I talked to her briefly, by saying that I understand why she is doing this, I understand how this could all happen and how it doesn't reflect on her relationship with me or the feelings that she had. That I do not blame her for what she has done and that it's completely understandable that she may choose this course of action based on other factors in her life. That it possibly wasn't just me, but the stress of where she is at the minute made it harder for her to handle her worries and pain, and that I do not have any negative feelings towards her for it. That I still love her and care about her, and want her to know that I'm willing to work this out if she finds herself in a place where she feels that she can handle this situation better.

And with triggers, my biggest problem is trying to avoid them (i.e. talking about other women) whilst also reassuring her about the things that worried her (i.e. other women)... . that's a dilemma that I haven't quite gotten a handle on yet... . and of course there are the times when my temper gets the better of me and I react to something nasty in a raw, emotional way... . that just makes things worse :/

I was selfish to be honest, because I was in therapy I stopped focussing on how to cope with her mood swings, I dropped the ball on it and everything just spun out of control :/

[LivingTheNightmare]

But an example of what I mean in my OP is like when I talked to her. When she first answered the phone she was mad at me for no good reason, swearing at me, being hostile and had no time for what I had to say. Once I started to validate what she was doing she calmed down a bit and the call ended up lasting an hour... . of course I know that by tomorrow morning she will be back to her usual, dysregulated self... . but I could see a change in the way she treated me over the course of the call, as I was careful to say the right things and avoid anything that would set her off. There was one point where she started to get annoyed as she remembered something I did that had pissed her off earlier, but I explained why I did it, calmly, and how I felt at the time, and told her that it doesn't change how I feel about her and she seemed to calm down.

By the end of the call I felt like it by no means would make her change her mind about what she's doing right now, but she didn't have any negative feelings for me anymore. For a minute, I had the woman that I loved back... . I also understood a bit more about how she is feeling right now.

To be honest, it's hard for me to read the guidelines right now as it upsets me, the thought of preparing myself for something I may never have again... . and reminds me of what I inadvertently did wrong which, there's no going back on now anyway. If her and I can work this out, and make the decision to be together again then I will work a lot harder next time round to be the person she needs me to be :/

[papawapa]

My advice is that you stop contacting her. All you do when you contact her is give her the all the power. Go on with your life as if nothing is wrong. She won't forget about you and eventually she will contact you. You have to take control of the situation. When she does contact you then it is time to play it cool. Keep it brief, talk for a short time and then tell her you are heading into a movie and you will talk to her later. Your goal if you want her back is to get her to pursue you.

[tryingtohelp]

You mention she doesn't like you talking about other women, ( I experience this too)  but does she reserve the right to spend time with other guys ?  They're often very 'flexible' when it comes to this.   

All of the points you have raised are familiar ground to me too, my S.O (diagnosed BPD) has a number of other guys she sees and flirts with and more, but goes into a strange mood if I get careless and mention another woman's name!   She'll often ask me about someone I haven't seen in ages, asking if I have seen or heard from her,  yet I get no sign of any sort of 'commitment'.  I think they are hard wired to be like this , it is part of what they are and they will never be any different , untill they are old then it's all too late.

BTW ,  is your S.O.  an attractive woman ?   For some reason many seem to be,  which gives them enormous power over the hopless men who they attract like flies and can treat in any way they like , tossing them aside when they're finished with them.  Oddly enough, they seem to 're-cycle' their discarded admirers, repeating much of the drama.  It must get lonely sometimes for them I often wonder ,  there can't be much satisfaction in multiple meaningless affairs ending in fights.  In my experience I have seen other guys my S.O has 'offended'with her bad behaviour just tell her to hit off, I notice she doesn't like them taking the upper hand and she will often try to win them back. I guess that's also just human nature .

A lot of people just wouldn't put up with a BPD's attitudes and behaviour, and I think they are the better off for it.  In my case I have learned not to tolerate the really bad stuff anymore, but I also do my best to be a supportive friend because I care about her ,  she can also be warm and caring and I have been deeply touched by some of her kindness toward me ,it's not an easy path!

[Pilpel]

If you haven't tried it, give reflective listening a try as a means of calming her down.  My brother married a woman who I believe is BPD.  She's caused a lot of drama at family events in the past.  They started reflective listening about a year or so ago --which is basically what is suggested in the Stop Walking on Eggshells book-- and it seems to have helped a great deal.  I can see a big change in her over time.  When she has a meltdown and lashes out in anger, someone talks to her and just repeats back what she says --you don't have to agree with it and don't argue with it.  Just repeat it back, without responding emotionally.  She and my brother put it to practice when they have conflicts at home.  I think they've also been doing some counciling at their church.  Over some time, it seems to have made a difference in  how she copes and handles her emotions. 

[Relentless]

Tomorrow marks 2 weeks of Silent treatment... . complete. I'm definitely painted black over an innocent misperception. No clue what to do. When yours lasted weeks... did you guys talk at all? What was the worst situation/outcome? I don't think her and I are dating, but I hope to restore a friendship one day (we were friends for 13.5 years before dating).

Livingnightmare... . they started out at 10-20 minutes then hours, then days... . this is the first time it's beyond 3 days... and it's two weeks. I'm done waiting around, but I've been texting. I am in the same worry boat as you. Do I just go NC? Do I send a text saying, okay, I'm done then go NC, or a text saying I'll love you always no matter what then go NC. Ugh! No clue.