DD had major blow up here. Not answering her calls or texts

[peaceplease]

I haven't been around here too much.  But, today, my updd had the queen of all blow ups at my house.  In fact, her last words were to me, F you, you are not my mother.  

She claims that the root of it all is my fault.  She wanted my gs to spend the night.  I told her that I wasn't feeling good, and tonight was not good for me.  So, about an hour later, she asked my dh.  He told her, yes.  I told him that she was sneaky, as I told her, not tonight.  I don't feel good.  And, I said, how she only gets him every other week, and has only had him for two days this week.  

She came running up to me, and said that my dh was out there flipping out on her about not having a job, yet.  He claims that he just asked, if she had any more interviews.  I don't know in what tone he used.  However, it was not going to take much to set her over the edge.  My dd has been extremely labile and more irritable, lately.

And, my dh feels like we are never going to have our own life.(true!) I will try to summarize here, as my posts tend to get a bit long.  My ds, age 31, has been staying here since the beginning of the month.  He went to FL to get job.  :)id not find one, ran out of money, came back here. (that is another story)  So, I am taking care of my mother.( we are all living in her house)  My upbdd, comes here every afternoon because she does not have internet.  She hangs here for several hours, every day.  

She goes to an employment office, where she is obligated to go 30 hours a week to look for a job, to pay for her cash assistance.  She must go until she finds a job.  Then, after she is done she comes over here, because her cable(internet) was shut off.  She brings her laptop.  And, she is quite annoying.  

My dd has been exceptionally irritable and hard to be around.  She was so pleasant when she was on house arrest.  Of course, she was on Seroquel at the time, too.  She said that it made her sleep all the time, but she was on house arrest, so no big deal.  After house arrest was served, she complained that she was too tired to do anything.  Exhausted to do anything.  She wanted off her Seroquel.  I found out that she was using again.  She said that she was using because it gave her some energy, and that was the only reason.  That Seroquel just wiped her out.  

I sympathized with that.  I advocated for her to get on Adderall.(she took it in the past for ADHD)  And, I thought that it would stop her from using other drugs.  Meanwhile, she went back to opiates, then my dh said that she might as well get back on methadone if she is going to get opiates off the streets.  I was not on board with it.  She got back on methadone and continued with the Adderall.  Went off the Seroquel.  And, she has been wicked, or talking non stop.  Very manic.

Before, she left my dh tried to get her to leave my gs here.  I totally agreed, as she was so dysregulated.  She has sent me numerous texts.  I have only read a few.  Spewing more venom at me, and complaining that I am not answering the phone.  She said that she is having a nervous breakdown, and that I don't care.  I totally screwed her & my gs day up.  

My only reply was that he was welcome to stay.  Then she replied, I don't allow him to stay with you fn people.  I turned my phone off for my own protection.  She sent my ds 16 messages.  

She is in a rage, and I don't have it in me to validate her.  I am exhausted.  I take care of my mother with dementia.  I have exercised poor boundaries, I know.  But, working on that with my ds.  

My dh offered to call her, but I told him, not yet.  I am afraid it may lead to more damage.  I just feel bad, that I am powerless to not get my gs.  She won't physically harm him.  

Again, I don't feel that I have it in me, to validate her. I just don't want to deal with her, tonight.  I have about had my fill.  I have been walking on eggshells for the past month or two.  Is it terrible, that I shut my phone off?  

And, sorry for being so long.  I actually just edited two paragraphs out. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Defeated]

I don't know if it's terrible, but I've done it too... . many times.  Last Monday I stayed home from work - I was too upset about throwing my daughter out the night before - and I can't even tell you how many times she called.  She didn't even space the calls out, just one right after the other.  Then she'd scream into the answering machine that she was going to kick in the door, blah, blah, blah.  I hadn't heard from her since, until yesterday.  She called me at the office and said "How's my dog been?"  I said "fine," and hung up.  Actually, I was mad at myself for saying anything.  Very effective - being polite and rude simultaneously.  I'm an idiot.  She hasn't called again, but I can't stop feeling guilty and crying.  Pain like this shouldn't even exist.

You're not terrible.  At least, not in my opinion.

-Defeated

[pessim-optimist]

Hi PP,

I have just read your post   

Have to run for now, will come back tomorrow. It's awful when blowups like that happen... . I will try to comment on that.

Hang in there... .  

In the meantime - in the future, if your dd is not nice when at your house using internet (there are free internet spots like coffee shops, some libraries etc. that you could refer her to)... .

[qcarolr]

Peaceplease --     My heart is with you. I know how painful this is, and exhausting. Get rest tonight, be kind to yourself. The self-care boundaries are OK, and things need some time to cool down. We love our kids and want them to grow up and leave us to our own life! I feel this way with my DD27 for sure.

How old is your gs now? Time gets away from me. My gd is 8 now. She is better able to express herself, and is using her therapy now. Yet, she sure misses her mom when she is not here. Gd was so sad and upset when her mom was in jail for last week. We bonded her out to care for a bad skin infection. She may end up in jail yet - DA offered 60 days today. Lawyer is going to negotiate for less jail time. Dd wants to do home detention again. Will know more at hearing 8/15. Gd was very very glad when her mom came home.

Post on and on and on -- as much venting as needed to get it all out of your head. We can each take our time to read it. Hope tomorrow is a better day.

qcr  

[js friend]

Peaceplease you are not terrible for not answering your dd's calls.

As you said you did it for your own protection. Thats what boundries are.

They are there to protect us. Dont feel guilty... . 16 calls spewing hatred because you simply said No is unacceptable.

Try to take care of yourself Peace   

You are dealing with so much already im not suprised that you are feeling so emotional right now.

[Thursday]

hi peaceplease,

Glad to find you around here, I haven't been posting much either.

I'm sorry that you are having difficulties with your daughter. She is "doing her do"... . and making everyone miserable in the process.

I hear your story and from afar, it seems simple... . although I certainly know that living this story is far from simple and the solutions certainly don't seem simple.

Again and again, I find myself coming back to setting boundaries.

Your very adult son made poor choices, ran himself out of money and comes to you for assistance. Your very adult (although immature and mentally ill) DD is an active addict and is coming around every day to use your internet.

It is all complicated by your love and desire to protect your gs. Meanwhile the tension is getting to you, your husband wonders if (I would wonder, same as him)

we are never going to have our own life

Something has got to change. Can your daughter use the internet at the library? Can your son be given a move out date and can you stick to it?

Concentrate on what you CAN do, not what can't be done. I always feel much more stable and safe when I have a goal in sight and move towards it. Too much letting others take over my life makes me grumpy, sad, angry, tired, frustrated and DONE.

My saving grace in our current situation is that BPDSD22 is NOT ALLOWED TO LIVE WITH US ANYMORE. There is a single exception to this... . if she was ill and needed caregiving I would do that for her.

So far, SD has managed to have a bed every night since we made this boundary with her. She has asked to come to sleep at our house for convenience and although her Dad has wavered and considered it, I have held firm. No. No no no no no.

SD just became employed again after not working for ten months. She is allowed to sleep at her grandmother's house. She has friends who let her stay over now and again (although not so much after ten months of her mooching) but the truth is, if her GM were to say no more, SD would figure it out. I am OK with the idea of her sleeping in her car. It locks and my suspicion is that after a few nights she would be motivated to do what she had to do to change her situation. Her lack of initiative to look for work for the last ten months wasn't my problem. There was nothing I was  able to do to motivate her. Low and behold, she started wanting to do something fun for her upcoming birthday and low and behold, she found a job. Magic!

Her Dad still struggles with saying NO but he learned in the last ten months that she CAN pull herself up all by herself eventually. Since her ability to tolerate lesser standards for herself is something he can see for himself it does get easier and easier for him to see that rescuing her just doesn't do anything at all for her.

Peaceplease... . please consider putting an end to the things that make your life harder than it needs to be. Don't allow your grown kids to stay stuck in using you up forever. Ask yourself how life will look in ten years if you don't do something now. Make a list of what you will and will not allow- really mull this over... . you can always add and subtract to the list you make.

I also have to say, the idea of an opioid addict caring for a small child makes me very, very nervous... . you say she will not harm him. Does a child seeing their parent on drugs, impaired, cause harm? I think it does. Seeing so much conflict, also not good for a child.

Caring for your aging Mom with dementia is admirable and shows your devotion to the people you love. All of us here can see that you are a caring and loving person.

All of this other stuff is not the same thing. I know I am being stern... . hopefully not harsh.  My    goes fully out to you as you get this hard stuff figured out.

Please let us know how things go in the coming days.

Tough-lover Thursday

[pessim-optimist]

Hi again, peaceplease,

First regarding your question if it is terrible to turn off your phone: I don't think so - as others mentioned, it is a form of a boundary, when the communication gets abusive. Also, when a pwBPD gets emotionally over 5 (on a scale of 1-10, 10 being totally out of control), there's usually no reasoning with them and validating is not effective either (so, I would not beat myself up in this case); the best solution is to end the conversation with the option to come back to it when everyone is calm again... .

These emotional storms can get dangerous, but you can choose to not be a part of them. Calling the police to check on her was a good way for you to make sure she was ok, and not have to be involved.

As bad as it felt, I think that you could not have done much different after things got our of control... . We can only control what we do, not what the pwBPD does... .

You weathered the storm, and tomorrow will be another day.   

I liked some of the ideas of others regarding more boundaries. You can slowly take back control of your life that way... .

Here's a link to a video I like about boundaries (it emphasizes the importance of us being ready and having it all thought through ahead of time).

www.youtube.com/watch?v=85_eYftuv0k

Does your dd live with you or does she have her own place?

[jellibeans]

peace

I am sorry you are going through such a hard time with your dd... . what stood out for me when I read your post is that your dd has changed meds more times than underware... . these are the times when things can get very unstable... . how to weather to storm until meds are stable. My dd went through med changes and it was the worse time for our whole family so try and look at it that way... . try to put some distance and see she is totally unstable and needs to reach the point where her meds are working again. Who can help with that? Is there a T or P? What opportunities can you present to her?

I do feel you need more boundaries in place... . there are coffee shops she can go too for internet... . take care of yourself and don't be the victim here... . you deserve to be treated better than that.

Please keepn us posted... . big hug to you  

[angeldust1]

Sorry,  but need to know what is "gs" stand for,  I can't find it anywhere?

[peaceplease]

Thanks for all replies.  I spent most of the morning praying that she find some peace of mind and comfort.  Also, prayed for my family to heal.  Just the beginning of this week, I mentioned to family, that we should all pray for peace among us.(so much conflict)  Even, if they don't believe.  I believe that my ds is somewhat agnostic.   I recalled a sermon from my pastor talking about a couple that went for counseling, they were on the brink of divorce due to incompatibility.  They just celebrated 30 years of marriage.  Their advice was to pray every day together.  

On the positive side, I am grateful that she had an appointment with her case manager, today.  I am sure she spilled how horrible my dh is, and I stick by him.  But, that is okay, as she needs someone to listen to her.  I am sure that she received validation for her feelings.   Her case manager was her taxi, today, as well.  I was not needed.  I don't know what she will do tomorrow.  I know that she will be calling, as she will need a ride to the clinic and employment office.  She may have chummed up to her exbf.  If so, I know that will not last long, as he always expect way more than she is willing to give.

My dh is not exactly innocent, either.  However, I can deal with him.   He does not keep yelling.  and, one day he is niceynice to my uBPDd and or ds.  Then the next, he is in his mood.  He is the type to get aggravated, then just be grumpy or edgy with them.  He may have gone out and yelled at my dd as she claims.  He denies it, but I have heard him lie before.  I don't know if he does it deliberately, or just does not see it.  My dd does have a valid point about my dh.   That is he is a hypocrite talking about addicts.  He is an opiate addict, himself.  Well, now, he is more physically dependent.  He does have a legitimate pain issue and may be having  back surgery as last resort.  But, he was a full blown addict, years before I met him.  

My dd did text me, the other day and say that she wanted to joint counseling and even for my dh to go.  I agree that we should go, but my dh would not be willing.  I may be able to get him to go to a few sessions, to refresh my dd's illness.  He did go

go to one session, a few years ago when I was in counseling.

My dd does not live with me.  My dh said that perhaps she should live with me, and he would leave, if it made things better.  Crazy!  I lived with my dd before and never will again!  I guess he forgot about that.

Defeated - I have done the rude and polite thing, myself.  And, yes, this pain is terrible!

pessi-optimist - Yes, I have mentioned that she may go to the public library.  she has her own laptop, but they may have free wifi.  And, I realize that I need to get control of my life, again.  I need to be prepared ahead of time.

qcr - My gs is 6.  You have ha that d a lot on your plate, too.  I think that you did the right thing in getting your dd, as her health was being neglected while incarcerated.  Keeping you and family in my prayers.

Thursday - I can appreciate the tough love.  I am glad that you sd got a job!   My ds is setting up an interview to go to Philadelphia.  we are paying for his bus ticket.    He has been helping my dh with some major projects around the house.  My ds was complaining to me yesterday, that he has no energy after working with my dh.   My dh is a hard worker.  I told my ds, that was good for him to work, as he could not pay for his own keep.  I let him know that his appetite was expensive, and the utilities have gone up.    I told him that as long as he stays here,, it is expected.  My ds is on the lazy side, so he wants out of here.  I asked if he had a plan B, if he didn't get the job, he said a round trip ticket.  I haven't covered that conversation yet, but will tell him, that his plan B needs work.

Please excuse all typos, Iam having a hard time on this laptop of mine.  I prefer my desktop to type.  However, my ds is in that room.    That will be changing, though!

[peaceplease]

angeldust - I am sorry, gs = grandson.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[peaceplease]

jellibeans,

Yes, she does needs stabilized on some meds.  She was taken off her methadone for opiate addiction while she was in jail.  They gave her Tylenol with codeine for withdrawal.  Actually, I think it did more harm then help.  The addiction dr. at methadone clinic said that she was not weaned properly.  She tried to not return to methadone.  They started her on Seroquel while in jail.  Her primary dr. continued with it.  My dd became dependent on it, and it snowed her.

I went with my dd to her appointment with primary dr. to advocate her getting Adderall.  She was on it in the past and did not abuse it.  I felt that if she was taking the Adderall, then she would not turn to opiates.  However, the dose was not high enough for her, so she still turned to opiates.  Then my dh said that maybe she should go back to methadone.  She was buying pills off the street.(money stolen from me)   I was against it.  Then, reluctantly agreed. 

I checked out Adderall and methadone combo, and it did not have any yellow/red flags.  My dh was furious that she was still taking the Adderall.  My concern was more of the Seroquel in the mix.   My dd said that the methadone clinic was aware of her meds.  And, that her primary dr. was weaning off her Seroquel.  I don't think the dr. ever weaned her off, nor did my dd tell her that she returned to methadone.  I noticed that her prescriptions was for the same dose of Seroquel.  She told me drs. office called and gave her weaning schedule.  I think that she got it off the internet.  I am quite certain that my dd never told dr. about getting on methadone, again.  She would have feared her not writing prescription for Adderall.  However, this dr. was not writing it indefinitely, it was only to hold her until she had psychiatrist appointment.   And, the psychiatrist gave her one prescription with no promise to continue.  She wants to test her for ADHD, and feels that my dd just has anxiety and is drug seeking.

So, I realize that my dd really messed up her brain chemistry.   Going off Seroquel, getting back on methadone and Adderall on top of that.  I doubt that she was honest with drs.  I hope that this psychiatrist does not give her Adderall.   I think the best solution is rehab.  However, my dd does not want rehab as she does not want to be away from her son.   She was gone for 30 days this past February in jail.  She was in jail for testing positive for THC.  She was to serve 60 days on house arrest.  Her sentence was for driving on suspended license.  Her license was suspended for a DUI charge.  She was charged with DUI for driving impaired.  She was positive for methadone only.  I believe that she did not fit criteria for DUI, as I saw her that morning.  The cop followed her after leaving the clink.  Although, my dd deserved a reckless driving charge,, for she was speeding.

But, she was guilty of driving on suspended license.  And, she did not quit smoking pot as I warned her, that she would be tested.  She did not believe it, and the judge ordered her to serve jail time until she tested clean.  That was 30 days.  Her employer fired her.

She has been going though a lot, as she lost her job.  So, I would be anxious, too.   all the money she gets paid from assistance barely covers her fines.  But, add on to the normal stress, her screwing up her brain chemistry with all the med changes.   As I said, I am quite certain all drs. are not aware of everything she was taking.  She even lied to the psychiatrist on her first appointment.  Then she realized that she was being drug tested, then called her up to report that she forgot to mention that she takes methadone.  

I don't think her meds will stabilize her.  She is obviously having side effect of the Adderall, being very agitated.  I think if she took methadone, or just Adderall then it would not be so bad.  And, she does need some stabilizer.

[jellibeans]

peace

I think rehab might be the best for her to get her meds right... . it sounds like such a mess and your dd can't even begin to function right now. I hope you all can find a solution. Sounds like the roller coaster ride is getting a bit rough.  

[celticcross]

peaceplease

you are not terrible for shutting off your phone. I am so sorry that you are so exhausted, anyone would be. It seems like the harder we try (validating, boundaries, etc.) the more they up the ante and go all in.(yeah I know extinction burst) I just kicked out my BPD daughter because she assaulted me. I mean she has 2 broken arms and a broken leg from a suicide attempt(jumping in front of a semi)  how the hell could I kick her out? Because I finally realized, thanks in large part to all the members stories here, that I had to save myself and my family. It is not a pleasant revelation, because I know the risks, yet it was the only choice. I alternate between cursing God and begging him for help. You can only control yourself. we have to let the rest sort itself out. Peace