There's a light in the tunnel, hope its not a train.

[angeldust1]

My son's birthday was this month.  On his birthday I sent him a card with a check in it.  Last years check was never cashed.  On his actual day of birth,  I sent him a heartfelt text telling him "my only son was born on this day at this time{" .  He did indeed respond and said "Thank you very much"   that was it.  Not,  I love you mom,  but I will take what I can get.  It is certainly better than an nasty text blasting me for everything that has happened since the dawn of time.  He was invited to dinner by my sister, went and had a good visit. Baby steps,  I guess.  Perhaps he is starting to realize that I will not put up with his abusive behavior,  because I have not called in a year and a half after being told to "never call his number again."  I took him at his word,  I hope this means something is going to change,  but one never knows when dealing with BPD. He did return a text from  my husband   which he has isolated as well.  He loves and cares for his step father,  but I guess he feels he is sleeping with the enemy. 

All I can say is that I hope this small light at the end of this tunnel is not a train coming down the track.  I will always love him,  but this is far better than his abusiveness towards me at every encounter.  I just will not stand for it again.  I still have my moments of breakdown,  because "this is NOT the way it was supposed to be",  I have learned this is a non acceptance idea. We must accept that this is the way it is,  but then I hold fast to the truth,  that God is in control.  The vastness of this is far more than I can comprehend, but He will   be there for me till the end. He knows the outcome.  Without our Lords help in times of need we could not go on. 

I love you son,  if only I could tell you how much!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

Hi angel,

Your post DOES show a glimmer of hope. 

... .   I hope this means something is going to change, but one never knows when dealing with BPD.

Something already HAS changed a lot - that is: you. You have traveled far. You have learned a lot. And when you get to communicate with him, your 50% of the relating will be different, so his 50% is bound to change (his part will depend 100% on him, so there is no predicting what exactly he will do with it, we can always hope for a positive result)... .

[angeldust1]

Yes,  pessim I feel it does as well. 

The fact that he went to my sisters house shows he does need people in his life,  and I hadn't remembered this but about 2 months ago my brother texted him about something he had a question about and he immediately responded with a follow up phone call, and my brother said he was most helpful and nice.  These are the people he said he did not want anything to do with about a year and a half ago. I am hoping that if I just lay low,  just kind of a hit and miss now and then, no phone calls though,  he will see I mean business,  but I still love him very much.  And I do,  but I will not push myself on him ever again.  Not that I did previously,  but I did try awfully hard to have a relationship with him and would take anything he dished out just to see him.   I think if I wait long enough something will happen. If not it is his loss.  I have many other people in my life who love and respect me,  with very little effort. So I must not be that hard to love.

angeld

[peaceplease]

angeldust,

That is a positive that he replied with a thank you.  I am sorry that you have been nc for a year and a half.  That must really hurt.

Although, I could sure appreciate a break from my dd.  Yesterday, she left with, "F you.  You are no longer my mother."  She managed without me, today.  I don't think that she will find someone to help her with all of her needs for too long.  Not, that I want her to call me just because she needs me.   But, will probably be the case.  She will need rides  I will give her the necessary rides.   However, I am not looking forward to our next meeting.  she will either not talk to me, or bash me for not sticking up for her.   Or, she may find someone to tai her for a short while, then they will fall into 'black mode".  And, she will be calling me again.

I wish that she could just visit and hang out, and not because she "needs" me.  Even, if she does not need a ride, she has always been so clingy to me.   I must admit to my co-dependence.

I hope this is the start of a mend to your relationship.  

peaceplease

[angeldust1]

Dear Peace,

I know it may sound cold,  but my son is 40 yrs old this is nothing new.  It's been going on most of his life, about 2 yrs ago,  I began delving into trying to find out what is wrong with him. After a failed marriage of two weeks, a lifetime of blaming myself, and so many years you would think one would just accept it,  but I knew something was just not right,  and I had to know what.   I thought it was my bad parenting.  It is so very comforting to know it's a disorder and he just not mean,  or crazy,  or a pathological liar or what ever else he could be.

I was seeing a therapist and she suggested I look up HPD Histrionic PD,  BPD, and one other,  so I began the search,  and found he exhibits 7 of the 9 symptoms and may have the other 2 that I'm not aware of.  So it was my searching that actually found the problem.  I wonder sometimes,  if it really would be better for him to know what he has?  Of course he could get treatment for the symptoms, and may alleviate some of the pain for him,  but there are always side affects to them,  and knowing  may put a stigma on him?  Sometimes, I feel since he is highly functional in every way except relationships maybe this is best. 

I deal with it as I see it,  being on this site has been the most helpful,  comforting, and informational place I have found in all my years of hurt, sadness, pain. Better than any therapist and a lot less expensive.  I love him with all my heart,  as all mothers do,  but if this is the way he wants it... . I can handle it. 

The pain, sadness, hurt he caused me was much worse than the isolation. I now understand he is a very troubled man,  and is in a lot of pain as well,  I understand that now,  where before I just couldn't comprehend it at all.   How can irrationality be understood,  by a rational person. IT SIMPLY CAN'T, but it can be accepted.

Listen to me I sound all grown up,  don't I.  I'm only 61 and a real big girl.