I'm talking to his sister about his BPD and suicide threats

[Gimme Peace]

For 15 years, I've helped cover his tracks regarding his undiagnosed BPD behaviors. Most of his immediate family has believed that he is the greatest thing since sliced bread because he always shows his best side for them. Now that his daughters are grown, they've realized that they don't really know him that well and that he is emotionally distant and remote (they live in a different state and he's never invited them out here) They've been reaching out to me about this but I haven't said anything concrete, mostly just listened and agreed that his behaviors are "sometimes odd". They have absolutely no idea how deep his issues are, they just think he is a little "different than everyone else".

Over the past few months, I've been slowly disengaging and withdrawing, not letting him push my buttons and just staying calm. The effect has been that he feels he is losing me, is steeped in toxic shame and threatens suicide much more often. Just in the past week, he has had at least three dissociative moods where he just goes into a silent trance for hours, not speaking or interacting with my son and I, anything he says is like whisper and is dark/negative. Going to bed for the night at 5pm, etc.  He talks about how he wants to die and how people would be better off without him. At my urgency he is seeing a counselor, he's gone 2x but won't talk about it. He won't tell me the name of the T, I'm not 100% certain he's really going. Long story short, I sent an email to his sister to let her know about his moods and depression. I didn't go into a lot of detail, just that he's very depressed and is talking about suicide and that he's going to a T now. She is very concerned and asks for updates. I'm not sure how much I want to tell her, I just thought she should know that he brother is very depressed and is talking about suicide. I couldn't live with myself if he did that and I hadn't told anyone in the family to at least give them the opportunity to reach out to him. After being on these boards for awhile, I have read about pwBPD who took their own life and how much pain it caused for loved ones.

Just wondering how any of you have dealt with talking to family members of pwBPD and how much did you tell them?

Thanks!

[nodoover]

I didn't want to be the one to tell my step daughter but during a anger rant last year, I left for a time out and he had no one to rant to or listen to him, he has pushed away all friends and has none, so he finally called his daughter and told her he was depressed and wanting to die.

She freaked because she had no idea and called me. We had good talk and I have only updated her a few times, at the time I thought he was bipolar. When i found out what he had a few months ago i wasn't sure about telling anyone then like you I thought if he kills himself at least his daughter should know why. So i sent her a long message and told her what me and the counselor thought he had.

She said it answered a lot of questions for her and thanked me.  It was hard because while cordial we have never been close, her mom saw to that.

I thought long and hard about how to tell his daughter, I said I wasn't sure but it seemed to fit and told her to go online and gave her places to check the info on BPD.  I have heard it can go both ways, like mine did where the person agreed and where the family member says no way they don't have that.

Like you, my husband shows his best side to his daughter and work people, but there have been times over the years he couldn't help his anger coming out, so she knew he had a anger problem, self esteem problem and no friends, just not why.

[Gimme Peace]

Thanks, nodoover. I appreciate your perspective. I have a dialogue going on with his sister and it's a good thing. Not going into specifics with her, just keeping her posted on how he's doing (better lately).