Concerned with d7 behaviour. Is it BPD?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi all,

Brief history, exBPD and I have shared 50/50 custody which is never exactly that but for the most part, close. During the week kids usually end up with her more then I as she has them at her moms while she works part time. Kids always miss me and are starting to complain bitterly of having to be at grandmas because they are shuffled around whereever grandma wants to go. Plus Grandma has many of the BPD traits and crazy making as the kids mother does.

When I am not at work I m generally with the kids every hour on the weekend and during the school year I am there for them every night when they get off the school bus and the rest of the evening.

With their mothers continued spiral downwards the last few years, the kids (ss13,  s11, d9, d7) have all gravitate closer to me because I am more stable and they can count on me to be there unlike their mother.

My concern is d7. As a baby she would always sleep with us in bed, partially because her mom would fall asleep while nursing her. Fast forward to today, she invariably ends up sleeping on the floor or the other end of the bed with me. I am a heavy sleeper and do not wake up when she does come in. She seems to have replaced her mother with me for her security go to person at night.

She also is making some pretty drastic statements lately. Recently in a spat with her sister she started to scratch like a cat saying she was a cat. (she idolizes kitties) I intervened and told her gently sher cant to that. At which point she was crushed and said "I am leaving this family"  Also that it was "all your fault" I asked why, she said "because you made me". I again asked why and she did not have an answer and instead sulked off.

The fact that she was blaming for stopping her from scratching her sister instead of owning that she was doing something unacceptable, sounded so much like her mother. Is this a sign of BPD ? I am concerned as I dont know what it looks like to see BPD in someone that young. If Iam blowing this out of proportion then I hope someone can tell me that.

Is it possible she was just emulating her mother?

[slimmiller]

Hi all,

Brief history, exBPD and I have shared 50/50 custody which is never exactly that but for the most part, close. During the week kids usually end up with her more then I as she has them at her moms while she works part time. Kids always miss me and are starting to complain bitterly of having to be at grandmas because they are shuffled around whereever grandma wants to go. Plus Grandma has many of the BPD traits and crazy making as the kids mother does.

When I am not at work I m generally with the kids every hour on the weekend and during the school year I am there for them every night when they get off the school bus and the rest of the evening.

With their mothers continued spiral downwards the last few years, the kids (ss13,  s11, d9, d7) have all gravitate closer to me because I am more stable and they can count on me to be there unlike their mother.

My concern is d7. As a baby she would always sleep with us in bed, partially because her mom would fall asleep while nursing her. Fast forward to today, she invariably ends up sleeping on the floor or the other end of the bed with me. I am a heavy sleeper and do not wake up when she does come in. She seems to have replaced her mother with me for her security go to person at night.

She also is making some pretty drastic statements lately. Recently in a spat with her sister she started to scratch like a cat saying she was a cat. (she idolizes kitties) I intervened and told her gently sher cant to that. At which point she was crushed and said "I am leaving this family"  Also that it was "all your fault" I asked why, she said "because you made me". I again asked why and she did not have an answer and instead sulked off.

The fact that she was blaming for stopping her from scratching her sister instead of owning that she was doing something unacceptable, sounded so much like her mother. Is this a sign of BPD ? I am concerned as I dont know what it looks like to see BPD in someone that young. If Iam blowing this out of proportion then I hope someone can tell me that.

Is it possible she was just emulating her mother?

[FamilyLaw]

It might be helpful to flip the way you look at this issue.

People with personality disorders are often "emotionally stuck" at certain level of maturity.  It could be that your ex is stuck at the level of a 7 year old or a 13 year old.

Your daughter is acting at a level that is appropriate and acceptable for a 7 year old.  Kids her age often find it difficult to regulate their feelings and tend to blame others for their bad behavior.  With good guidance she will grow out of this stage and become more emotionally mature and learn to take responsibility for her feelings and her actions.  A good technique for working on these skills is in an article on the site by Bill Eddy -- https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=203238.msg12267633#msg12267633.

[mamachelle]

slimmiller,

I hate to say "oh yeah everything sounds pretty normal" when a BPD parent is in the mix because so much is so not normal in these kids lives... . yet, the interaction seems pretty typical of an imaginative  slightly dramatic 7 yo girl to me. I also hate to use the word 'drama" because that word was used by my SS10's therapists to excuse my SS10's behaviors until they became really really bad and I threw it back at them and said "drama this pal!" well not really    but basically 'drama' is a "code" word used by therapists so just wanted to let you know. Kids use dramatic behaviors and dramatic statements for many reasons but mostly to get a reaction. Sometimes it is being like the BPD parent. Other times it is the TV shows they watch. If it is becoming drama every day all the time then it's time to work with her and a therapist/counselor to dial it back.

The sleeping at the end of the bed is pretty normal stuff too. If it bugs you try to work out a compromise with her to slowly wean herself off the end of the bed.

Is there other stuff she is doing that worries you?

Have you thought of some counseling for her?  It is highly recommended to get kids into counseling when they have a PD parent. A therapist can help you sort out normal from not so normal behaviors.

mamachelle

[slimmiller]

Thank You both for your insights!

The most important thing to me in my life is being a parent. Especially now that their mom is more and more disregulated. I am beginning to see the fruits of what I have been able to do as a parent  and that is to maintain a home and some degree of normalcy.

I do believe she is just going through a phase as all children do as they grow and mature. As for the coming into my bed at night, that does not bother me as I think its just another phase as well. She has seen the last few years how little she can count on her mother for maternal comfort. That in and of itself bothers me but like all things about BPD, I can only control my end of it.

She recently, when I in preparing to leave with the kids for an appointment had to raise my voice a bit to get her attention and to get them ready (they were hung up playing at the time and not getting ready), said 'you are just like mom'... .  After a bit of prodding and gently asking her what she meant, she was referring to her mothers temper and rages.   I swear anything short of being smacked in the face with a baseball bat would have hurt less. She definitely made me take a long hard look at myself. I really did some soul searching but that too I felt was her being a bit dramatic.

I do not have her in counseling but am seriously starting to consider it just to help me with an outside, neutral third party observation. 

On that note, how important is it to have a counselor thats well versed in BPD?

I ask that because when I was seeing a T she was pretty clueless on Bpd itself.  Would a T be able to help if she needs it even if she does it not know the nuances of BPD?

[musicfan42]

I think you're right to take this seriously. When I was about 7 or 8, I was throwing tantrums when I didn't get my own way and I didn't grow out of it. I was a very angry young girl... I had no idea how to deal with anger in an appropriate manner because I saw my father rage etc and I just presumed that was normal. I'd definitely recommend that you teach your child anger management techniques or DBT skills designed at dealing with anger. I had to learn how to deal with my anger the hard way-I really wish that either one of my parents had shown me as a kid because it would have saved me a lot of hassle.

I also think that your daughter is afraid of abandonment-afraid that you'll abandon her and leave her with her mother and grandmother. She knows that you're the most consistent adult she has around her so she doesn't want to lose you-children really want stability. I was terrified that my mother would abandon me so I would act very clingy around her for much of the time as a child. I was terrified that she wouldn't be on my side... that she'd just turn against me one day for no apparent reason and that I'd be on my own then, with no one on my side.

You say that she's with her mother during the week-maybe you could give your daughter a transitional object? Schema therapy recommends giving the person a transitional object-e.g. teddy bear etc so that when they're not around the person, they don't feel abandoned. That might help your daughter to feel more secure.

[mamachelle]

I do not have her in counseling but am seriously starting to consider it just to help me with an outside, neutral third party observation. 

On that note, how important is it to have a counselor thats well versed in BPD?

I ask that because when I was seeing a T she was pretty clueless on Bpd itself.  Would a T be able to help if she needs it even if she does it not know the nuances of BPD?

slimmiller,

I think I would look for a T that understands trauma in children and BPD/PTSD/trauma in teens adults. Usually but not always it is best to try for a Psychologist or MSW. I would meet with them and describe Bio Mom's issues. Not labeling as BPD unless she has been diagnosed but saying " Here are her behaviors-- my therapist thinks she has BPD" See how the potential child's therapist reacts. I find if the parent is undiagnosed then having you as other parent diagnosing can be off putting so throwing the diagnosis out there but having it come from a professional will help things along. BPD is a controversial diagnosis unfortunately and many T's have opinions about it. So putting behaviors of Mom, behaviors of child out there without labeling is best but you want someone who understands BPD and the inconsistencies in parenting.

I had one 'psychologist in training' doing her internship-- for my SS9 who was surprised in the session when SS9 told her that BioMom says she loves SS10 better than his other brothers and that SS10 throws it out there when he wants to be mean. The therapist said, "well mom is just being silly when she says she loves one of your more than the other". SS9 said "no, she says that to him. Then she says that to me. But SS10 really believes it and she says it to him more than me."  I was in the session and the T looked at me surprised and then I realized that she didn't understand BPD. SS9 is getting a new therapist soon due to his T competing her internship-- but I do think it is good to get someone with experience who 'gets' these kind of stories and validates your kids experiences with the BPD parent.

mamachelle