Scheduling frustrations with "BPD" mom...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I really do not need help, just to vent... . I am just fed up to here with having to plan with a BPD person.  It does not help that my DH tends to put off things that will be difficult.  We have got the parenting plan down to only a few things that must be negotiated, and every one of them is a nightmare.  

This time:  We have monday transitions in the summer, wed. during the year (this is basically by accident based on changes over time to the parenting plan, but we have been told by the police that they WILL NOT enforce court orders if we make any changes, and it has been impossible to get BPD mom to deal with small changes, so we are stuck).  We plan to be gone on a trip planned last year for 12 days, around the labor day weekend (in our parenting plan, mom has the kids for labor day, we have them for memorial day).  The obvious thing to do would be to make the mon. to wed. transition happen so that the weekend mom has the kids is during her time; otherwise it is a bunch of 2-5 day transitions for the kids.  :)H just texted the schedule to BPD mom, who is throwing a fit and demanding that she get the kids sooner, which would mean a totally chaotic time with the kids, and that DH would not have the kids for a month if we go on our vacation.  She knew about the dates of the vacation well in advance, and I think she is intentionally planning it this way so we will either have to skip the vacation, or non see the kids for a whole month.  

If you go strictly by the plan, it is arguable on which day the transition occurs.  However, the clear intention is to allow us to have a vacation without the kids at this time a year--DH schedules vacation every year at this time, this has been in the parenting plan for 6 years.

I just feel so tired of having our plans totally rearranged at the last minute.  We already have tickets, we have plans, it is clear... . but she can just throw a wrench in the gears. I just get tired of my life being jacked around by someone who is trying to make it not work for us on purpose. Any normal parent would want to make sure that the other parent's parenting time is during a period that person will be in town; if both parents had things scheduled, there might be a conflict, but not for a time that she knows full well DH will not be there.  I just feel so disturbed by her crazy antics, and I wish I did not get so triggered.  I just feel mildly traumatized by NEVER being able to count on anything.  I just want to stamp my feet!

anyway, what I actually did was to tell DH to handle it. The irony is that this is the first time that this vacation spot worked perfectly with our kids schedule, if you interpret the schedule in a logical manner (trying not to move the kids back and forth every couple of days when we have a 2 week on/off schedule).  So we planned to stay 2 extra days.  I could kick myself for not MAKING SURE DH dealt with scheduling with BPD mom in April when I brought this up, but here we are... . AGAIN dealing with this.  Whew.  So I have to wait and see if it works out, meanwhile needing to make plans and not knowing if they will just fall through.  I just get so sick of living like this.  

[ennie]

I really do not need help, just to vent... . I am just fed up to here with having to plan with a BPD person.  It does not help that my DH tends to put off things that will be difficult.  We have got the parenting plan down to only a few things that must be negotiated, and every one of them is a nightmare.  

This time:  We have monday transitions in the summer, wed. during the year (this is basically by accident based on changes over time to the parenting plan, but we have been told by the police that they WILL NOT enforce court orders if we make any changes, and it has been impossible to get BPD mom to deal with small changes, so we are stuck).  We plan to be gone on a trip planned last year for 12 days, around the labor day weekend (in our parenting plan, mom has the kids for labor day, we have them for memorial day).  The obvious thing to do would be to make the mon. to wed. transition happen so that the weekend mom has the kids is during her time; otherwise it is a bunch of 2-5 day transitions for the kids.  :)H just texted the schedule to BPD mom, who is throwing a fit and demanding that she get the kids sooner, which would mean a totally chaotic time with the kids, and that DH would not have the kids for a month if we go on our vacation.  She knew about the dates of the vacation well in advance, and I think she is intentionally planning it this way so we will either have to skip the vacation, or non see the kids for a whole month.  

If you go strictly by the plan, it is arguable on which day the transition occurs.  However, the clear intention is to allow us to have a vacation without the kids at this time a year--DH schedules vacation every year at this time, this has been in the parenting plan for 6 years.

I just feel so tired of having our plans totally rearranged at the last minute.  We already have tickets, we have plans, it is clear... . but she can just throw a wrench in the gears. I just get tired of my life being jacked around by someone who is trying to make it not work for us on purpose. Any normal parent would want to make sure that the other parent's parenting time is during a period that person will be in town; if both parents had things scheduled, there might be a conflict, but not for a time that she knows full well DH will not be there.  I just feel so disturbed by her crazy antics, and I wish I did not get so triggered.  I just feel mildly traumatized by NEVER being able to count on anything.  I just want to stamp my feet!

anyway, what I actually did was to tell DH to handle it. The irony is that this is the first time that this vacation spot worked perfectly with our kids schedule, if you interpret the schedule in a logical manner (trying not to move the kids back and forth every couple of days when we have a 2 week on/off schedule).  So we planned to stay 2 extra days.  I could kick myself for not MAKING SURE DH dealt with scheduling with BPD mom in April when I brought this up, but here we are... . AGAIN dealing with this.  Whew.  So I have to wait and see if it works out, meanwhile needing to make plans and not knowing if they will just fall through.  I just get so sick of living like this.  

[mamachelle]

ennie,

   

Let us know how it goes. My DH hates dealing with his ex on scheduling issues. Bio Mom does not consciously try to mess up our plans  these days much at all but the "bury the head in the sand" approach of my DH  combined with BPD BioMom spinning in her own complex world sometimes makes me go a bit nutty too.

 mamachelle

[momtara]

Mine hates being tied down to things, so the parenting agreement is difficult for him.  He used to cancel things last minute and it drove me crazy.  He also thought it was everyone else's job to accommodate his changes.

[marieke]

I understand what you are going through. When my husband was alive (he passed away a few years ago), we had to deal with his UBPD ex-wife when arranging time for him to see his daughter (my SD). Since we lived about 1,000 miles away in another country (UBPDex and SD8 lived in NY; we lived in Manitoba, Canada), it was a nightmare. Basically, everything had to be done her way -- she had to have complete control over dates, times, etc., -- in order to get SD8 for the summer, my husband had to jump through hoops and pay for 3 round-trip plane tickets. We did it because it was the only way she would allow SD8 to come visit and we knew how good it was for SD8 to get away from her mom and be with her father.

After my husband passed away, SD8 wanted to come visit me for the summer, but UBPDex forbid it. But she did agree to let SD8 visit one of her adult step-sisters who lived in Alberta. Thus began 3 days of negotiation between UBPDex and the stepsister where BPDex came up with a list of requirements (someone needed to fly with SD8 thus step sister would have to pay for 3 plane tickets) and would not allow anyone but that particular stepsister to fly with SD8 even though there was a family member going to NY anyway and that would have saved step-sister and all of us (me and a number of step-siblings were chipping in $ to pay for the tickets) almost $900. UBPDex kept changing the dates and times, etc. Finally the step-sisterthrew up her hands and said "this is not going to work out, sorry." Since then, me and my husband's side of the family have had very little, if no contact with SD8 who now believes that we don't want anything to do with her.

IT'S MADDENING... . especially for step-parents, who have to watch our partner (or his/her children) negotiate a schedule with someone with BPD. I remember how I felt that my life was not my own -- that UBPD ex controlled everything and, because of my husband's and my love for SD, we would give into anything her mother wanted just to get to see her. It's like watching the BPDex hold the child hostage -- and you are scrambling to do whatever it takes to agree to the demands.

What it all taught me is that my husband and I could not control UBPDex's behavior, but we could control our reactions to her -- and we had to stop reacting with anger and just do what we needed to do to make it work. It was tough -- and I truly feel for you and your situation.

[ennie]

... . so BPD mom wigged out, DH let her know that this was the parenting plan, that if she wanted to see it a different way, the sheriff would be there on the first day of school to help sort it out.  He also sent a nice email, explaining that the plan worked this way so that the dates worked for vacations, school breaks, etc., and that if she wanted to make it work so her vacation with the kids was during his time, and so we had to return from our vacation for the transition and one over night before they went with her, that was okay because this also made it work out for his fall break to be right in the middle of her time, so he would get an extra week with the kids... . he wants to stick with the plan, but if the sheriff agrees that her way is right, he gets more time with the kids... . it is win/win!  So she wrote back saying, "Wow, you have really thought this through... " and after pushing it to the very day before the transition she wanted, she agreed to "his" plan (which is really what she originally wanted when the plan was made). 

So it worked out. 

And, other than this vent, we did stay calm and made our plans and went on our merry way. 

[Ishenuts]

Our parenting plan is pretty restrictive. We each have 2 non consecutive weeks during summer vacation (haven't been able to take 2 weeks yet because kids play football/cheer leading which practices M-F in August, and uNPDexH wants them in camp 2 weeks in July because he needs babysitting), neither parent can be away from the children more than 7 days, we have to give each other the weeks we want by March 15 (difficult because DS plays on a travel AAU baseball team and we don't have his schedule until mid-April) and each parent retains their regular weekend as part of their vacation.

I'm going to try to negotiate a April 15th notification date when we next see the parental coordinator.

I have been unwilling to bend on these "rules" ExH used to make his vacation flights (to his timeshare resorts) for very early in the morning (7:00 am or earlier), and then TELL ME that he had to have the children the night before, on my parenting time. (Transfer time is normally 8:00 am) Of course he did his "it's in the best interest of the kids to have more vacation time... . blah blah blah" BUT it never went both ways! Any attempts by me to get them early became a 10 email ordeal! So I put my foot down.

And next year they are not going to camp on my time. I don't need babysitting and they have gone for 3 years and have made no lasting friendships and it is very expensive. Then I'll be able to plan a second week in the summer.

It would be so easy if they were reasonable, and there could be a give and take in the best interest of the kids. But with PDs it's always a take and take with no give.