NC / silent treatment, is there an average time?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My dBPD S.O. has virtually ceased all communication for the last month without any reason or explanation , all the more confusing for me because we were getting on really well, we had been away for a holiday and spent some good times without stress.  The last time I saw her we sat in the car by the beach and had a relaxed conversation about various things , she also told me about the stress the father of her child has been causing her ( she doesn't want him having access )  she shared some of these things and then we went to a movie.

Afterward I dropped her off at her apartment, she didn't invite me in , I didn't think much of it and drove home. Later that day she sent me a nice text thanking me for a good day and saying how we had such fun together.

Over the next few days I noticed that each time I asked if she'd like to meet up I got weak excuses , untill finally one morning a couple of weeks later I sent her a text saying 'Hope you have a lovely day at work'  to which I received ' Please don't text me any more , thanks '   

I asked her why she was asking me this, she simply replied ' Leave me alone please '     I have had this before, and usually I hear from her within a week or so, but not this time, it has now been 5 weeks, total silence.  This is going from our usual daily contact for nearly 6 years.

The previous two occasions where this has happened were because her 'ex' had returned and was jealous of our friendship.  This may be the cause again, but she has never maintained a silence for so long before, it is tearing me apart, I have sent only two messages in this time , I did receive one reply saying 'Hi', but other than that, just silence. Has anyone else out there experienced this kind of behaviour ?

I really don't want to annoy her by trying to text or call her, but want to let her know I'm still here for her and that she is ok. All so hard to deal with. 

[tryingtohelp]

My dBPD S.O. has virtually ceased all communication for the last month without any reason or explanation , all the more confusing for me because we were getting on really well, we had been away for a holiday and spent some good times without stress.  The last time I saw her we sat in the car by the beach and had a relaxed conversation about various things , she also told me about the stress the father of her child has been causing her ( she doesn't want him having access )  she shared some of these things and then we went to a movie.

Afterward I dropped her off at her apartment, she didn't invite me in , I didn't think much of it and drove home. Later that day she sent me a nice text thanking me for a good day and saying how we had such fun together.

Over the next few days I noticed that each time I asked if she'd like to meet up I got weak excuses , untill finally one morning a couple of weeks later I sent her a text saying 'Hope you have a lovely day at work'  to which I received ' Please don't text me any more , thanks '   

I asked her why she was asking me this, she simply replied ' Leave me alone please '     I have had this before, and usually I hear from her within a week or so, but not this time, it has now been 5 weeks, total silence.  This is going from our usual daily contact for nearly 6 years.

The previous two occasions where this has happened were because her 'ex' had returned and was jealous of our friendship.  This may be the cause again, but she has never maintained a silence for so long before, it is tearing me apart, I have sent only two messages in this time , I did receive one reply saying 'Hi', but other than that, just silence. Has anyone else out there experienced this kind of behaviour ?

I really don't want to annoy her by trying to text or call her, but want to let her know I'm still here for her and that she is ok. All so hard to deal with. 

[elessar]

The longest mine gave me the silent treatment was 6 weeks. Last week it was exactly 7 days. Most of the time if she does it is 2-3 days. On these boards I have read that it is mostly 2 weeks to 2 months.

If you are looking at long-term, mine had once disappeared for 4.5 years... . . So yea, there is no telling really.

[Relentless]

I'm greatly struggling with this right now. She barely said anything to her mom, when I asked her mom about things, she just said XXXXX didn't say much, but that you guys broke up.

She told her dad not to talk to me, I know this because he texted me a little bit because I think he felt bad... .

It'll be exactly 2 weeks tomorrow since it started. We've been friends 14 years (the last 7 we dated, and I was her first real love... . she never experienced this behavior before me, because she never felt a loving adult relationship... . she stayed in an abusive one for 4.5 years though... . )

Either way, I don't know if anyone else had something similar happen, where the family maybe ended up thinking poorly of you, or you thought she said something bad and painted you black to them too, and then ended up back together.

Anyone go NC back, and have it work? How long did you have to do NC, and how did you start it? (Did you send one final text or phone call?)

I went 48 hours week 1, and 72 hours this week until yesterday. Still no responses. I did a ton for her, gave her 110%. We fought more the closer we got. Makes sense due to the BPD. Her dad doesn't get it, said he never saw her so happy, and also never so angry and sad.

Sucks big time. WIll she ever miss me?

[Relentless]

It'll be exactly 2 weeks tomorrow since it started. We've been friends 14 years (the last 7 we dated, and I was her first real love... . she never experienced this behavior before me, because she never felt a loving adult relationship... . she stayed in an abusive one for 4.5 years though... . )


7 months... . we dated the last 7 months (very intensely)

[Clearmind]

Average time? No set formula TTH. Silent treatment is a form of abuse and it leaves you hanging without communication.

Are you comfortable with boundaries?

BPD BEHAVIORS: Silent treatment

[Gaslit]

I think there is "silent treatment" and there is "stop contacting me because I have a new dude now and you contacting me brings all my shame to the surface."

It's worth considering.

And worth considering if she does later return, if it is because this new object didn't pan out.

And worth considering if you want to forever be the backup.

[Moonie75]

I think there is "silent treatment" and there is "stop contacting me because I have a new dude now and you contacting me brings all my shame to the surface."

It's worth considering.

And worth considering if she does later return, if it is because this new object didn't pan out.

And worth considering if you want to forever be the backup.

Couldn't agree more after my experiences.

There's 'leave me alone because I can't handle my emotions' silence.

And there's 'go away, leave me alone, you're getting in the way, I'm busy checking out this new option' silence.

Patterns, common sense & good old reliable gut feelings are the best tools to decode different silences!