Should I just try to ask him outright? I want to stick around and be there for him, even though he hurts me, but if he doesn't want me to, I don't want to be clinging on, I would want to move on and try to get over this. But I can't move on with this hanging over me.
Hi Littleopener!
I am sorry to hear about the turmoil you are going through and can so relate to the feeling of getting stuck yearning for closure, and of course mostly some confirmation of being meaningful to this guy and signs of love not to say the least... .
It seems so many of us find ourselves at one time or another in that particular place where we also loose all focus on ourselves and sort of get into the mode of just being, existing and living for them... . And that is a truly bad place to get stuck in... .
The sad truth is that most of it all is not about us or even the small crumbs or left overs from what once seemed like such a vivid and promising relationship that we tend to get ourselves so attached to... . But instead it is all about them and their inner turmoils and needs... .
The truth is you don't really need closure from him or from anyone really to be able to detach or move on, even though it sounds like something impossible. In all likelihood he will not either be able to provide you with anything that to you will feel like closure anyway, because he is probably at a place where he can't even sort out his own thoughts let alone feelings... .
Intimacy and trust are at the core of their inadequacy and fear of abandonment and separation at the core of their being. And gaining understanding of those things in them are probably the closest thing to a closure you will be able to get... .
Actions also usually speak louder than words, and when a ow BPD starts to act the way your bf is now, it usually means that the idealization face is over for them and devaluation and discard has taken it's place... . Usually not because that is really what they necessarily want, but mostly because that is the pattern they have taught themselves to live by. And at the same time separation anxiety prevents many of them from acting on it, unless something else or someone else have entered the scene that makes it possible for them to unplug and plug into another person who awakens their idealization behavior and for the moment "makes them feel good"
It is time for you to start shifting the focus back to you that of course feels weird and hard when so much time has been invested in him and making him feel good about himself so he can be good to you... . And start asking yourself these tough questions... .
What do you really want, if he now is the way he is and chooses to act the way he has since April?
In a way, and I know this may sound difficult to hear, you are in a pretty good place right now, where it at least seems he has not yet started to see or look for another source to idealize... . To end the relationship can therefore also be your decision, when he perhaps can't manage to say the words... .
Painful yes, but not as painful as finding out being replaced... .
Important is also to ask yourself what price you are willing to pay to try to "salvage" the relationship? He is who he is, and has the problems with relationships that he has. And it is him not you who has problems with trust... .
If saving it is what you in your heart wants, you will need to engage and dare to face him with what you want and also to stop walking on eggshells and be sensitive to his every need. If it is going to work you also have to not only be allowed but also to choose to engage and step up for your boundaries and your needs win or loose so to speak. Then he can not be allowed to make all the rules. Are you up for that? And in asking so, also up for the consequence of him maybe choosing not to continue the relationship?
The hardest part of being where you are now, and I speak from my own experience, is that when I was in your shoes, I was so afraid of loosing him, that I froze and didn't dare to stand my ground. And got totally stuck in eggshell land... . And ended up loosing him anyway... . Today I have worked hard on myself, therapy, learning, gotten to know myself in a way I never did before. But still being in yet another r/s with a man w BPD, I still find it hard sometimes to maintain myself grounded when things get shaky... . So like so many others here, I know how you feel!
Yet the only way we can stop ourselves from clinging on to a sinking ship is to let go of it... . Or wait for it to let go of us... . Or start fighting for what we need within or without the r/s, and regardless of whether it will survive it or not... .
I know much of this is not what you might want to hear right now. But keep venting and keep posting and reading what other people write and have experienced. It is the best help there is!
And start turning the perspective over to you too, which is the only way to get out of being stuck... .
In that I wish you the very best there is, because you are worth som much more than this!
Scout99
