Looking for some encouraging stories of growth and healing. Please?

[MindfulLove]

Hi BPD family,

I know that people with BPD and PTSD from sexual abuse heal. I know they do. I need to hear it from a parent if possible. I would love to hear a story of improving relationships with a parent(s). I had a really good year with my daughter and I want to believe that it was real, but am now questioning if there was any sincerity in the love expressed at all. I feel like I have to be on guard all the time now and am really discouraged.

I'm holding hope and setting boundaries to set the stage for a potential good future relationship. But hope can feel pretty tentative sometimes.

I appreciate your support.

ML

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[vivekananda]

Hi MindfulLove   please accept my welcome to you. I am glad you have joined us, you are safe here. This is the best place for support and guidance that I have found. Make sure you explore the site and the workshops and articles to see the resources available to us. There is an enormous wealth of expertise from wise minds just for us   

I notice that your dd is 21 and has had a tumultuous relationship with you. My first concern is to know you are safe. I noticed on another post that you said you had to lock your bedroom door. I understand that this is temporary until she finds another place, but do you have an exit strategy if you need one?

You want to hear of success stories... . often on this board it is full of heartache and drama, of course. People with success don't need to be here. Nonetheless there are success stories that are just amazing. This is a link to a recent success story in progress:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?PHPSESSID=69c5bcfe7c235e95cab7da85c07868cd&topic=202562.0

There are others here with success stories, but one is enough for the moment. There's a lot of reading in that.

Often with our loved ones, there appears to be success, but because it is a work in progress, there are relapses into old ways of thinking and behaving. One way to appreciate the difficulty for a pwBPD changing their behaviours, is for us to do the same therapy they have to do to change and see how easy it is for us! Let me tell you, this is a long journey fraught with our own personal challenges and it is not easy.

You have a good sense of boundaries. Are you skilled at validation? Here is a link to a video that can teach us all a thing or two:

Understanding Validation in Families - Alan E. Fruzzetti, PhD

It lasts 52 mins and you might want a pen with you to take notes while you watch.

Let me know what you think, ok? It's through posting here that we find our easiest learning.

cheers,

Vivek      

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, MindfulLove (what a wonderful name you have!), and 

I am the mother of an adult son (36) who was only diagnosed with BPD in April 2013. The story Vivek  linked you to that is posted on this Supporting a Son or Daughter Board, is my story and the story of my son. I hope you have the chance to read it, because it really is a hopeful story of someone and their family recovering from BPD.   

I know from reading your other posts that your daughter is going to therapy and is 21 years old, and that it is impossible for the 2 of you to live together at this time; my heart is breaking for you and I remember when things were terrible and painful and stressful for my husband and me before my own adult son got the right kinds of treatment for his troubles... . If you read my story, you will know that he had a problem with self-medicating, suicidal ideations, depression, anxiety, etc. The thing that helped him first was the proper diagnosis of BPD at a Dual Diagnosis Center and his subsequent DBT therapy, and his now ongoing Neurofeedback Therapy, Psychiatric Therapy & Outpatient Therapy.

I won't mislead you; the reason he is doing so well is because he wants to do well, and he's committed to his ongoing treatments and recovery. But, it was never like this before, and I was pretty much where you are now, for about 4 years--only ending with his admission to the Dual Diagnosis Center in March 2013... . He's been clean and sober for a little more than 5 months now, and gets along better than ever with my Husband and me and the rest of the family now. I don't know if your daughter has a Dual Diagnosis of the BPD plus drug abuse, suicidal ideations, or something else in order to qualify for a stay at one of those Programs, but I did see the light in his eyes come back on, and his whole demeanor become more soft and understanding, and his willingness to recover was sparked by his 21-day Inpatient stay at the DD Center.

After you read my/his story at the link Vivek  gave you, I will answer any questions you have if you need more assurance that recovery can begin, and life can get better... . I wish you only love   

[MindfulLove]

Thank you, BPD family! Keep those good stories coming! They really do help.

We're having some progress here. With the encouragement of her therapist (grateful for DEARMAN! It works with therapists, too!), my dd has been open to working with me. She's found a couple of options and I'm ready to fund her deposit/1st month. She's actually excited about one place that she might be getting! I do believe that this is the best choice for both of us. Her favorite option won't be available until the end of the month, so it could be a long month. I feel safer when she's talking to me, but I continue to lock my door and have the phone by my bed, just in case.

I asked her what she thought about our safety together for the month. She said that we are, as long as we don't talk about the past. We agreed that we would not do so at this time. I see her anger about more than just the past, but I'm going to avoid all visible land mines while she's here. When I arrived home tonight, there was a book titled, "Assassination Vacation" on the kitchen table. Is that a message or a coincidence? I'm not sure. She has an interest in dark stuff and criminology, so it's not necessarily anything new. If she is going to stay until the end of the month, I'll call her therapist to check in. I know she is obligated to tell me if she knows I'm at risk. If I don't get a good feeling, I'll look at other options. I am so tired, I can't think about it any longer tonight. She won't be home until later and I'll be asleep. Previous arguments have been when awake and interacting, so I'm assuming that we're safe tonight.

I appreciate your feedback.

Night!

ML

[vivekananda]

I hope you slept well   and am I glad it seems to be working out. Have you honed up on your validation skills?

cheers,

Vivek    

[MindfulLove]

Update: spoke with dd's therapist, who thinks that safety is not an issue. Given that, and that open discussions and planning are occurring, I am breathing easier now. Still will lock the bedroom door as a precaution, but am choosing to focus on a future of independence and growth.

[Rapt Reader]

That's so good to hear, MindfulLove... . Thanks for the updates!

In my experience, open discussion and plans for Therapy are a great sign that she is willing to get the help she needs, and that really is a good sign that the future will be one of independence and growth. Keep the faith, and know that we are here for you if you need us; we will help you through this... .

[vivekananda]

goodoh! onwards and upwards 

Vivek    

[MindfulLove]

Last night was civil, with even a few friendly moments. That's amazing, considering how tired we both were. She's still on the hunt for a place, with nothing locked down yet, but hopefully soon! I'll be going to bed early tonight. It's time to catch up on some much needed sleep.

[vivekananda]

Sleep tight   

Are you able to practice validation?

Vivek    

[MindfulLove]

I am trying hard to validate her in every way that I can. Examples: this is a step for her independence and to help each of us both grow stronger... . she is working so hard at finding a place... . I'm proud of her... . I'm looking forward to helping her settle in to her own place. All of those are true, so validating in this way is genuine. I'm also proud of her for letting me help her launch from the nest gracefully. (This part is HUGE!)

I will be so relieved when this next step is done. This is one hard and necessary step. I have to focus on the "necessary" part right now.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[vivekananda]

When you validate, make sure the focus goes on her and her emotions, ok?

Eg 1: "I am so proud of you" is not about her, it is a how you feel."

compare this with:

Eg 2: "You must feel proud of yourself for getting this far." This validates her emotion of pride.

make sense?

Vivek    

[DreamFlyer99]

MindfulLove, i'm so happy to see you're getting wisdom from people who are familiar with your same type situation! I felt encouraged just reading through the messages. There will always be some falling into old habits, I know I do that too when I am stressed, so it's bound to happen to your daughter with her extra issues to deal with.

Validation has been helpful with my uBPDh, i'm trying to get more in the habit of it since it seems to help. Have you done much reading up on it yet? And like Vivek  says, it needs to be about what your daughter is doing. For me with my H I've seen him respond positively to the validation, I just need to keep an eye open for those places I can do that. With him I can say "it's great the way you can communicate with 'Joe' at work, clearly others are noticing it" and stuff like that because there, at work, he's pretty good at this stuff! It's just at home he's carrying other baggage that gets in the way of treating us as well. (i'm not sure I even did that validation correctly, but that's the type of thing I've been trying. Perhaps I should read up!) It seems to make him feel like i'm noticing his strengths and not just his weaknesses, those are the things he hears the loudest, anything that might say he's "not good enough" even when that's his interpretation.

i'm curious to hear if you try the validation technique and how it goes! Please share.