Feeling better. Depressive cycle

[Perfidy]

Few days have passed since the end of the relationship that I haven't cried. On the days that I don't actually cry I feel like it. I'm depressed and I know it.

    I have brief periods where I feel good and feel good about myself. I'm healthy,in shape,good looking and strong. I have never had a problem attracting the opposite sex. Some of the best looking women that i have ever met have been my lovers.

   She was a scruffy little waif with a destroyed face from self mutilation and rotten teeth. The bond I will never understand fully.

   I have to complete a mental process before I can feel good about being abandoned by this creature. I am starting to recognize some of the elements. Forgiveness is the hardest. Not because I accept her behavior. Forgiveness so I can have peace. This is often not completed in the course of my day. My anger and hatred consume me and my depression and anxiety are the result. I can't forget. The most profound act of perfidy imaginable in a relationship.

  So very slowly,by recognizing my part, rebuilding my self worth, I hope to feel better more of the time than not. I have cried a little bit today but it's getting better. The poison is still in me.

[Hazelrah]

I’m right there with you, perfidy.  Lots of beautiful women in my past…plenty of desirable qualities of my own.  Yet it is so hard right now.  Though I am experiencing occasional glimpses of feeling human again, I still feel as if an elephant is sitting on my chest, I still feel short of breath, and I still cry at the drop of a hat.  I’m trying to do the right things, getting back into some of the hobbies I love, spending time with family (yeah, I must be loads of fun), getting the band back together (literally), etc.  But the loneliness is nearly unbearable at times.  My home, which has always been my comfort and sanctuary, now feels like a prison.  I practically start to hyperventilate when I open up the door and walk in after returning from work in the evening.  I turn on the radio or TV (or both), just to hear voices other than the ones rolling around in my brain or, even worse, the silence.  My b-day is coming up this week, and it is going to be the emptiest one that I can ever remember…my BPDw was actually pretty good at making my b-days special, so the sting is especially intense now.  But I’m nowhere near forgiveness yet... . I’ve barely reached anger.