When they are just "normal" with everyone else

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Is this a common thing?

The pwBPD acts perfectly "normal" around his colleagues, casual friends (who know nothing of his mental state). Is social, goes out for drinks with them. Comes across as this confident, funny guy (the guy you fell in love with). Then when he's with you, he's angry or gives you the silent treatment. Or doesn't want to see you when you offer to meet up with you, or emotionally abuses you... .

This hurts. A lot. Like recently he organised drinks with a casual mutual friend and then she asked me if I wanted to join them, but he told me that he wouldnt go if i went. I couldn't really come out and say "oh he hates me right now for no reason whatsoever and refuses to see me, and I feel like I am not even worth his time or effort", so I just said I don't want to intrude. I can't betray his trust yet still I seem to come across as the one avoiding people.

[Littleopener]

Is this a common thing?

The pwBPD acts perfectly "normal" around his colleagues, casual friends (who know nothing of his mental state). Is social, goes out for drinks with them. Comes across as this confident, funny guy (the guy you fell in love with). Then when he's with you, he's angry or gives you the silent treatment. Or doesn't want to see you when you offer to meet up with you, or emotionally abuses you... .

This hurts. A lot. Like recently he organised drinks with a casual mutual friend and then she asked me if I wanted to join them, but he told me that he wouldnt go if i went. I couldn't really come out and say "oh he hates me right now for no reason whatsoever and refuses to see me, and I feel like I am not even worth his time or effort", so I just said I don't want to intrude. I can't betray his trust yet still I seem to come across as the one avoiding people.

[Validation78]

Hi Littleopener!

I'm sure it hurts when he treats you this way. Unfortunately, it is very common for pwBPD to behave differently around others than they do with us. The core fear of abandonment often doesn't present itself until there is an intimate relationship, so casual acquaintances don't trigger the emotion. You can read more about BPD behaviors here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913187#msg913187

Best Wishes,

Val78

[nevaeh]

This describes my uBPDH perfectly.  In fact, I just had my class reunion over the weekend and several of the women I graduated with were talking about how great and funny my husband is.  It makes me so mad, partly because when we eventually do separate people won't understand that HE was actually much of the problem... . that, and my inability to deal with his issues.  On the one hand I don't care what people think, but it still just bugs me that people in our town/school district think that he is the greatest thing since sliced bread.  I try to look at that as a positive, so maybe he would find another women quickly so he would be out of my life at least from the staNPDoint of romantic interests.

H's dad (now passed away) was the same way.  He was loved by everyone but I have found out in the past couple of years that he had a "hot temper" and I suspect that many of H's problems come from the combination of his mom and dad. 

I remember a night several months ago when we were at our son's school concert and H was visiting with the dad of one of my son's friends.  They were talking about something mildly political and they didn't agree with each other.  I was sitting there getting really nervous about H losing his cool and thinking how embarrassing that would be, but he did keep his cool.  However, on the way home from the concert, the first opportunity he had to get mad at someone he took.  Our son made a comment about a "discussion" we were having and H let loose with a verbal assault on him.  Then when we got home all hell broke loose and H went on a tyrade.  Basically all of his frustrations from his disagreement with the other guy were let loose on us and we had a horrible fight that night.  We didn't speak for days after that.  While I was so glad he didn't lose it with the guy at the concert, I was so pissed that we had to suffer for days because of it.  I did point out to him that it is sad that he can be so friendly and accommodating with "strangers" but yet treat his family, who he claims to "love more than anything" like crap.

It's just a constant thing we deal with.  My kids get frustrated when he does this too.  They see it very clearly and they don't understand how he can be so nice to others but mean to them.

[wishfulthinking]

Mine is the same way.

[Newton]

I found this possibly the most upsetting part of my relationships with my exs... .

Their behaviour would literally flip from one abusive sentence to me... . then sweetness and light to a relative stranger... . When I questioned it I was told "Well I'm not angry at them am I !"... . or... . "You know you deserve it! Stop upsetting me and I will stop acting this way"... .

People closest to those with BPD seem to get the brunt of their acting out... . we represent the dysfunctional relationship they had with their emotional/physical abuser... . so we become the target for their rage... .

[Saffron2]

I was just talking to one of my friends the other day trying to figure this out - we are both puzzled by this behavior.  If he can be so nice, kind, caring, and shocker, empathetic, towards other people, then why not me?  Why not his wife, life partner, and the mother of his children? It's a sad day when mere acquaintances get more respect and cooperation than I do.

The stories I have to tell would blow anyone's mind who knew him well, because to them he is a great friend and a wonderful guy. :/

[lostandunsure]

Everyone, really, just about everyone we know thinks we have the perfect relationship. No one sees us argue, no one sees me constantly giving up my plans, no one sees that I have to do all the housework on top of working a full time job, plus being a therapist to do my best to keep the peace in the house.

People tell me all the time that we are the cutest couple ever, that we're always together and they wish they were like that with their spouses. My family has commented on it, that we have the best relationship out of all my siblings. No one realizes that my uBPDw wouldn't go anywhere if I didn't go with her, I am her security blanket and when she's "out and about" she behaves "normal"... . The moment we're alone, she falls apart and I have to put the pieces back together.

When people say things like "You guys are adorable! and after 17 years you are still the cutest couple!" I think to myself, "If only you knew how much I want a 'normal' relationship".

The only person who knows the "truth" is my sister. We've stayed with them for a few days here and there and she has been through enough counseling and mental health issues that she can see our relationship for what it is. She has called me a "saint", but really, if they knew what was going on in my head, I doubt they'd call me that.

[Littleopener]

It is so good (not good, but you know what I mean) to know that I'm not alone in this.

I'm even worried if I ever confided in anyone about how bad it is they wouldn't believe me.

[lostandunsure]

You are definitely not alone. I'm starting to realize that myself, have having just been on this board a week or so, how not alone I really am and it's been very helpful for me to see that.