BPD Waif BF- someone please help me take the blinders off

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Please, I need someone to talk some sense into me. I came across these discussions on here about the BPD male waif... . which I know my bf definitely is. These are some characteristics that were listed and my responses to them:

* The Waif often does not rage externally. They do not lash out and put you down like other Borderlines. Instead, their rage is held or directed inside.

-Anytime he has been upset, he shuts down and shuts me out. I have no idea what he is thinking or feeling. He has said a few times "Sometimes I feel like I just want to die" That is the extent of it, he will not discuss real feelings or emotions, especially negative ones

*The Borderline Waif is often very feminine, and demure.

-A couple of times I have thought to myself "maybe he is gay" because I see this feminine soft side to him. And he has many many many female friends (and "friends". If it wasn't for his obvious love and craving of attention from women... . I would definitely say this. He loves to shop, is very physically affectionate, and has a boyish soft, sensitive, demure side to him.

*They often display an immature nature or speak in a youthful voice

-He does this sometimes…I call him Elmo when he does. I didn’t realize this is a trait…I thought it was just a funny goofy thing he did and I thought it was cute. Granted, our relationship is new-ish so I haven’t seen much of this. But he also frequently makes this strange high-pitched noise when trying to be “cute”. I’ve never quite understood it.

*The Borderline Waif is often a high-functioning Borderline. They have professional careers and perform well there.

-He holds a job well and is very dedicated to it.

*They have an incredible ability to put on a happy, fun front socially, keeping their true self hidden from social and professional acquaintances.

-He is always laughing and smiling in front of others. I thought he was just a really happy person. But I have seen his depressed side too that he (to my knowledge) has never shown in front of friends. I actually commented to him that he always looks like nothing ever gets to him even when things are bad. It’s like a poker face.

*They play the victim role well. They appear in need of your help and often are readily accepting the help and assistance from others, but still seeing themselves as independent.

-He likes when I “mother “ him. For example he cut his finger, it got infected. He showed me and then pouted a little saying no one would help him even the nurses at his work. I offered to help and he was like a little boy getting his finger fixed up by his mom. It really wasn’t that difficult to manage. But he likes being “taken care of”

*They are very sexual and often move very quickly into sexual situations.

-We had sex the first time we met. We talked on the phone a month before we met. He would always ask when he could see me. Halfway through the month we started exchanging more pics…which turned into sexy pics. When he came to meet me, it was the most passionate encounter. He kissed me almost right away and it felt like I had known him for years. The kissing soon moved to the bedroom.

Since then sex has always been good. But he craves sexual attention of other women. He has cheated, month after month following the getting caught having cheated he promised he loved me and it would not happen again but then I would bust him having sexual chats with multiple other women and camming with them saying he didn’t have much time, he just got out of the shower and was naked, etc. Despite multiple times being busted, he continues as if without shame, then begs for forgiveness, more promises, etc only to turn right around and do the same thing again immediately after said forgiveness was granted.

*They do not accept responsibility and rarely if ever are they the source of their life’s troubles.

-He doesn’t overtly sit and blame others for the troubles in his life. I suspect he may think others are to blame but he never shares anything personal with me. The most he ever told me on a personal level was that his mom was always working when he was a child and his older brother (10 years older) beat him up all the time while mom was gone. He said he doesn’t like his brother…but he didn’t go as far as to say out loud that mom or brother are to blame for anything. He also said his ex wife was lazy, refused to do anything around the house and blamed that on having an infant child so he was unable to do the schooling he wanted to do because he had to come home after work and take care of the household and the baby. He said this was the reason for their divorce and their marriage only really lasted 10 months.

Oh... . and now it seems I am to blame for our relationship problems because I can't trust him and don't give him any space, I watch him and try to control him... . nevermind his past actions that led to me doing that! But he says "We agreed on a fresh start... . those things were before"

*They are usually highly-intelligent.

-Yes he is. He’s learning English and has only been taking classes a year but is better than many people I have seen taking classes for years. He is very smart about a lot of things, but he downplays his intelligence and he often bashes himself saying he’s ugly and stupid.

*They are a thing of beauty and rely on their beauty as a tool to get what they want.

He’s not what most would consider incredibly attractive. But his boyish demure side makes him very cute. I think the attraction is more his sweetness than his looks. I recently had a woman tell me “your boyfriend is such a doll!”

*In the beginning of the relationship, they will make you feel like the best person in the world in their eyes.

“You are the best woman in the world. Thank you for everything. Thank you for loving me. You are the only woman I want. You are the smartest woman in the world. You are so beautiful” and on and on…

But then he quickly got bored and focused this attention on new women…until the time came where he “needed” to say those words again to recycle me back or keep me from leaving.

*The Borderline Waif will often become VERY clingy and display jealousy

The first time I found out he had cheated I almost punched him. He looked like a deer in headlights…shocked, terrified, like a scared little boy. As I proceeded to pack my bag to leave he grabbed me, clung to me, and started sobbing and apologizing over and over again. Begging,  pleading. He clung to me for hours crying, pinning me on the bed so I couldn’t leave. No man had ever done this. I took it (stupidly) as a sign that he must really love me to cry like that and cling like that for so long and that maybe he really did regret his “mistake”

*The Waif will often abandon you when they fear you will leave them. Like most Borderlines, they are terrified of abandonment.

As I mentioned, he has many women “lined up” that he is constantly “prepping” with compliments about their beauty and sexuality…reeling them in one compliment at a time. All the women that he has contact with think he is just the sweetest guy ever. There was one woman early on, on his facebook, who commented on our photo together that she saw his empty promises to one woman before who gave him multiple chances etc only to be lied to. He proceeded to block her. I am sure he thinks I never saw the comment.

*The Waif will often be a sad, empty individual who pops in and out of depression.

We are in a long distance relationship so it’s harder to see…but I definitely have seen it. Once I got the silent treatment for 3 days after I told him I didn’t believe his youngest brother was falsely arrested and that he had to send $2600 bail money to Mexico for his mom to bail out his brother (he told me this to get out of going camping with me one weekend- I still don’t know the real reason why) He doesn’t know I see his call logs. He told me his mom called him crying and told him this and then afterwards he called his friend who then covered for him at work while he went to the bank to get the money and send it. His call logs showed no calls incoming or outgoing during the time he claimed he received/made these calls. Then he proceeded to spend that weekend in a deep depression, with a constant push/pull dynamic with me where he refused to talk to me but then sent texts saying he needed to see me. He was supposed to see me…but he didn’t want to. None of this made any sense.

*You will feel a constant push / pull dynamic in the relationship.

Push pull push pull push pull. It never ends. It’s getting to the point where I am doing it too…I feel crazy!

*You may know very little about them, as they guard themselves and their intimate feelings. When you look at the relationship, you may realize it is very surface-level.

He calls me constantly but has nothing to say. We have had only a few “serious” talks. The rest of the time our conversations center around “what did you eat today? What did you do today? What are you cooking?” etc etc. No depth whatsoever. Depth clearly makes him feel uncomfortable. I am always the one to bring up relationship issues. He refers to me as crazy constantly.

[eternity75]

Please, I need someone to talk some sense into me. I came across these discussions on here about the BPD male waif... . which I know my bf definitely is. These are some characteristics that were listed and my responses to them:

* The Waif often does not rage externally. They do not lash out and put you down like other Borderlines. Instead, their rage is held or directed inside.

-Anytime he has been upset, he shuts down and shuts me out. I have no idea what he is thinking or feeling. He has said a few times "Sometimes I feel like I just want to die" That is the extent of it, he will not discuss real feelings or emotions, especially negative ones

*The Borderline Waif is often very feminine, and demure.

-A couple of times I have thought to myself "maybe he is gay" because I see this feminine soft side to him. And he has many many many female friends (and "friends". If it wasn't for his obvious love and craving of attention from women... . I would definitely say this. He loves to shop, is very physically affectionate, and has a boyish soft, sensitive, demure side to him.

*They often display an immature nature or speak in a youthful voice

-He does this sometimes…I call him Elmo when he does. I didn’t realize this is a trait…I thought it was just a funny goofy thing he did and I thought it was cute. Granted, our relationship is new-ish so I haven’t seen much of this. But he also frequently makes this strange high-pitched noise when trying to be “cute”. I’ve never quite understood it.

*The Borderline Waif is often a high-functioning Borderline. They have professional careers and perform well there.

-He holds a job well and is very dedicated to it.

*They have an incredible ability to put on a happy, fun front socially, keeping their true self hidden from social and professional acquaintances.

-He is always laughing and smiling in front of others. I thought he was just a really happy person. But I have seen his depressed side too that he (to my knowledge) has never shown in front of friends. I actually commented to him that he always looks like nothing ever gets to him even when things are bad. It’s like a poker face.

*They play the victim role well. They appear in need of your help and often are readily accepting the help and assistance from others, but still seeing themselves as independent.

-He likes when I “mother “ him. For example he cut his finger, it got infected. He showed me and then pouted a little saying no one would help him even the nurses at his work. I offered to help and he was like a little boy getting his finger fixed up by his mom. It really wasn’t that difficult to manage. But he likes being “taken care of”

*They are very sexual and often move very quickly into sexual situations.

-We had sex the first time we met. We talked on the phone a month before we met. He would always ask when he could see me. Halfway through the month we started exchanging more pics…which turned into sexy pics. When he came to meet me, it was the most passionate encounter. He kissed me almost right away and it felt like I had known him for years. The kissing soon moved to the bedroom.

Since then sex has always been good. But he craves sexual attention of other women. He has cheated, month after month following the getting caught having cheated he promised he loved me and it would not happen again but then I would bust him having sexual chats with multiple other women and camming with them saying he didn’t have much time, he just got out of the shower and was naked, etc. Despite multiple times being busted, he continues as if without shame, then begs for forgiveness, more promises, etc only to turn right around and do the same thing again immediately after said forgiveness was granted.

*They do not accept responsibility and rarely if ever are they the source of their life’s troubles.

-He doesn’t overtly sit and blame others for the troubles in his life. I suspect he may think others are to blame but he never shares anything personal with me. The most he ever told me on a personal level was that his mom was always working when he was a child and his older brother (10 years older) beat him up all the time while mom was gone. He said he doesn’t like his brother…but he didn’t go as far as to say out loud that mom or brother are to blame for anything. He also said his ex wife was lazy, refused to do anything around the house and blamed that on having an infant child so he was unable to do the schooling he wanted to do because he had to come home after work and take care of the household and the baby. He said this was the reason for their divorce and their marriage only really lasted 10 months.

Oh... . and now it seems I am to blame for our relationship problems because I can't trust him and don't give him any space, I watch him and try to control him... . nevermind his past actions that led to me doing that! But he says "We agreed on a fresh start... . those things were before"

*They are usually highly-intelligent.

-Yes he is. He’s learning English and has only been taking classes a year but is better than many people I have seen taking classes for years. He is very smart about a lot of things, but he downplays his intelligence and he often bashes himself saying he’s ugly and stupid.

*They are a thing of beauty and rely on their beauty as a tool to get what they want.

He’s not what most would consider incredibly attractive. But his boyish demure side makes him very cute. I think the attraction is more his sweetness than his looks. I recently had a woman tell me “your boyfriend is such a doll!”

*In the beginning of the relationship, they will make you feel like the best person in the world in their eyes.

“You are the best woman in the world. Thank you for everything. Thank you for loving me. You are the only woman I want. You are the smartest woman in the world. You are so beautiful” and on and on…

But then he quickly got bored and focused this attention on new women…until the time came where he “needed” to say those words again to recycle me back or keep me from leaving.

*The Borderline Waif will often become VERY clingy and display jealousy

The first time I found out he had cheated I almost punched him. He looked like a deer in headlights…shocked, terrified, like a scared little boy. As I proceeded to pack my bag to leave he grabbed me, clung to me, and started sobbing and apologizing over and over again. Begging,  pleading. He clung to me for hours crying, pinning me on the bed so I couldn’t leave. No man had ever done this. I took it (stupidly) as a sign that he must really love me to cry like that and cling like that for so long and that maybe he really did regret his “mistake”

*The Waif will often abandon you when they fear you will leave them. Like most Borderlines, they are terrified of abandonment.

As I mentioned, he has many women “lined up” that he is constantly “prepping” with compliments about their beauty and sexuality…reeling them in one compliment at a time. All the women that he has contact with think he is just the sweetest guy ever. There was one woman early on, on his facebook, who commented on our photo together that she saw his empty promises to one woman before who gave him multiple chances etc only to be lied to. He proceeded to block her. I am sure he thinks I never saw the comment.

*The Waif will often be a sad, empty individual who pops in and out of depression.

We are in a long distance relationship so it’s harder to see…but I definitely have seen it. Once I got the silent treatment for 3 days after I told him I didn’t believe his youngest brother was falsely arrested and that he had to send $2600 bail money to Mexico for his mom to bail out his brother (he told me this to get out of going camping with me one weekend- I still don’t know the real reason why) He doesn’t know I see his call logs. He told me his mom called him crying and told him this and then afterwards he called his friend who then covered for him at work while he went to the bank to get the money and send it. His call logs showed no calls incoming or outgoing during the time he claimed he received/made these calls. Then he proceeded to spend that weekend in a deep depression, with a constant push/pull dynamic with me where he refused to talk to me but then sent texts saying he needed to see me. He was supposed to see me…but he didn’t want to. None of this made any sense.

*You will feel a constant push / pull dynamic in the relationship.

Push pull push pull push pull. It never ends. It’s getting to the point where I am doing it too…I feel crazy!

*You may know very little about them, as they guard themselves and their intimate feelings. When you look at the relationship, you may realize it is very surface-level.

He calls me constantly but has nothing to say. We have had only a few “serious” talks. The rest of the time our conversations center around “what did you eat today? What did you do today? What are you cooking?” etc etc. No depth whatsoever. Depth clearly makes him feel uncomfortable. I am always the one to bring up relationship issues. He refers to me as crazy constantly.

[eternity75]

Another post on BPD male Waifs listed the following traits as well so I wrote my responses to those too:

1. Their words do not match their actions.

I love you (while he’s cheating on me) You’re the only woman I want (while he’s cheating on me) You are the best woman, smartest, most beautiful (while he’s telling other women the same thing) I am really tired I have to be awake early to go to _____ (while he’s up half the night watching youtube videos and chatting up other women on facebook) etc etc etc

2. Your gut / instincts tell you something is not right.

My warning bells have been chiming, then dinging, now they sound like those Chinese gongs!

3. They seem too good to be true.

Likes the same things I do, laughs at my jokes, is helpful around the house washing dishes with me, cooking dinner with me, etc  Has many friends, says his mom is an angel/saint (which I read is a warning sign! But I thought oh if he treats his mom so well that’s a sign of a good man!) Works hard, is smart, is easy-going

4. They make villains of past significant others.

Haven’t seen the villain thing much because he doesn’t talk about past significant others. Only the ex wife which he referred to as lazy and blamed this for their failed marriage

5. They do not have many friends.

No…he has LOTS of friends. Mostly because he does anything they want because he cannot stand disapproval of others. He never says no to them even when he wants to and then he sometimes is resentful of it, but more fearful if he does on the rare occasion say no…the fear of their reprisal is amazing to me

6. The friendships they do have seem shallow.

Very shallow.

7. They have an abusive and/or controlling parent.

Dad left when he was a baby. Mom was absent because she had to work. Older brother (by 10 yrs) was abusive in mom’s absence.

8. They do not accept responsibility and are blameless for their actions.

He actually told me that I am the only girl he’s ever been with who he has told what he does, when, and with who because he is trying to earn my trust back. He says he has never done that with any woman before me. And he also says that every time a woman in a previous relationship had a problem with something (even if it was something he did) he would tell her it’s her problem not his.

9. Chances are they abuse alcohol and/or drugs.

He told me he drank heavily in the past and used drugs. I didn’t know about the drugs until recently. He did cocaine etc. He also said he was very angry back then. He said he would pick fights with guys on the street just because they looked at him the wrong way. He said he stopped when finally he picked a fight with the wrong guy and the guy came back with a gun, held it to his head, and calmly told him he had a problem and that he chose the wrong guy today but said he would let him go this time…but next time he might find another wrong guy and he would not be so lucky.

10. They are secretive and hide things from you.

I don’t think he tells me the truth about anything that is of importance. And then there are times when he lies about things that should he tell the truth it wouldn’t be a big deal.

11. They try to keep you to from your friends or family.

No but he calls incessantly when I am out with certain friends.

12. They are physically attractive.

Mentioned before…nothing particularly stunning about him. He’s cute sometimes but not what people would consider particularly good-looking or hot. But extremely charming.

13. They lie.

Yesssssss

14. They are impulsive.

I am not sure about this one…hard to say as we live far apart so I don’t see a lot of things

15. They fall in love with you way too quickly.

He told me he loved me before he even met me in person. I thought it was the trait of him being a Mexican because they are known for their romance. Little did I know!

16. They say what you want to hear.

Master at this.   I can’t always prove it but my red flags and alarm bells definitely start going off and I FEEL like I am being fed words that he thinks I want to hear

17. They push you away and quickly pull you back.

I feel like I am waiting to be replaced. Push pull push pull meanwhile frantic searching for other women…I am sure he is just waiting to find one to push me away for good

18. You never feel completely secure about where you stand with them.

We have a good time when we are together (like ever 2-4th weekend if lucky) but as soon as he goes home again I feel horrible. Like what is he doing, who is he with…I don’t trust him at all…and for good reason. So yes I feel constantly insecure. Even when I’m with him I feel this because I will notice him take his phone to the bathroom etc and later find out he texted another woman during that time he was in the bathroom. It’s amazing because he will tell me he’s going to the bathroom and return 20 seconds later. Long enough to text not long enough to take a piss and wash your hands. If I comment on how quick he was he says he just went to wash his hands because they were sticky

19. They have evidence of self-injury.

I don’t know. One burn mark from a cigarette on his arm- he says a girl at the bar was drunk and extinguished her cigarette on his arm deliberately. I don’t know if it is true or not.

20. The s*x is amazing beyond belief.

Not really. The first time it was like he was trying to cause pain and control me. It has gotten gentler/more loving since then. The thing that gets me is…for a guy that is always seeking sexual relations with other women and seems to have many women followers, he seems almost like a teenager in bed. He always likes it the same way. He never makes a sound during sex. It feels robotic. And he seems awkward when kissing. I feel like he’s practicing sex with me!

21. They quickly cycle through varying emotions.

Yes…though I can also see he tries to keep this under wraps and in control

22. They have friends of the opposite s*x that make you uncomfortable.

Many many many many women! And they all adore him!

23. They are always texting or chatting online.

Yes and lying about it

24. They have distant, empty eyes.

I haven’t seen this with him much. Sometimes but not often

25. They have acute, unwarranted emotional reactions.

Only I notice this when I break up with him…extreme reactions. Already mentioned the clinging and crying. Once he called 75 times in one day after I said “Don’t bother calling me I won’t answer” in addition to texts and facebook messages

26. Compartmentalizing interactions.

I feel like I am the “special girl” to him out of all of his women. Yes he has many women lined up waiting for him. He texts them and chats with them online. But I am the only one he calls and I’m the only one he says I love you to. So I think in his mind I am in a different compartment than the rest …at least til he decides to replace me :\ He also keeps me separate from his interactions with other people. I know very little about his “real life” except what he tells me and so much that he tells me is lies…all lies…that I don’t know what to believe.

27. Quiet/emotionless

Never talks about feelings. Can be very quiet. Never talks about anything deep. Everything is superficial.

I will add one of my own: Doesn’t want me to meet his family or any of his female friends (pretends he only ever hangs out with guys) and doesn’t want to meet my family or friends. I have met his male friends. He claims this is a big feat and I should feel special.

OK now that I have gotten all that down in writing, and I can look at it logically and know in my head everything that is going on here…I need help making sense of it all. Because I still find myself unable to detach from his words. My heart keeps saying “What if you are wrong about him?”

Really, honestly, he is the sweetest most affectionate guy I have ever met. I want so badly to believe the things he tells me. I want to believe that I am more special to him than the other women. I want to believe that with enough love this too can be overcome. My head is yelling at me “IDIOT! QUIT LYING TO YOURSELF! WAKE UP AND SMELL THE ROSES” But my heart wants to believe that he really loves me. Tonight, for a major flipside of events, I was the one that got caught lying to him. I told him I was staying home in bed instead of going to work because I was sick today. He lectures me about not taking care of myself enough, not eating properly, not sleeping properly…and I was sick all day. But I don’t get benefits at my job so taking a day off means no pay. I wanted to avoid the lecture that makes me feel like a little girl who is incapable of taking care of herself. So I lied. But then my crappy phone dialed him while I was on a work call (It does this sometimes, it’s like a delayed response thing) and he heard the call and asked why I lied. I explained to him and apologized profusely (as if this is anything close to the magnitude and extent of the lies he has told me…still that does not make it right) I got silent treatment for about an hour. Then finally he came on facebook to talk to me and he said he loves me and doesn’t expect me to be perfect. But that my trying to control him and watch him all the time is creating problems for us and if only I would stop doing that one thing, we would get along just fine. He forgave my lie so easily. He said he doesn’t want a perfect girl he wants me. But he spun the tables on me. Because of his lies and cheating I DO watch him. I police his activities, literally. I know his Hotmail password, his phone company password for phone logs…I have hacked his facebook at least 5 times. I know his gmail password and even though he only uses this for youtube I also see what he is searching for online. I feel like this is my only defense against his lies. To find out if he cheats again. Because I feel foolish for the previous times and for staying but I promised him one last chance…and if he cheats again he is gone. But I also realize how damaging this behavior is for our relationship. Like if you forgive someone you forgive them right? You don’t police their activities. So there I am questioning my own morals, my own kindness when I have been unable to forgive and yet he forgave so easily and was so good about it. And I’m thinking to myself “maybe I do need to stop watching his every move and actually give the guy some breathing space” but then I was already in his Hotmail when this discussion took place…and suddenly I see he deleted a bunch of photos I sent him, but kept some lingerie and nudie pics of a woman that he was involved with before he moved to my country (and I’m sure he wants to see her when he goes back for vacation in October) So Then I am thinking, “girl you are defending yourself against his activities by knowing what he’s up to. Then I see he’s searching for how to hack facebook accounts on youtube. I can only assume either he wants to defend himself against me hacking his account again, or he is trying to figure out how to hack mine. Here’s the thing, except for one weekend of silent treatment and push/pull galore with him, he has never truly painted me black. He expresses concern for me and love for me. But deleting my pictures and suddenly searching hacking videos makes me think, maybe his forgiveness of my lie was only a mask. Maybe he has already painted me black in his mind…but at the same time can’t stand to lose me yet because he has no solid replacement despite his many women followers. Is this possible?

What is wrong with me? What am I doing? Why do I love this guy so much? Why am I willing to overlook so many major things? Why am I fooling myself into believing we can make this work? (Or I can!)

One last thing…the last time he was at my place 2 weeks ago, sex changed. We always used condoms. But he would always start out without the condom and then a few minutes later he would stop and put one on. But last time, he never stopped. I thought eventually when he knew he was close that he would stop and put one on. He kept going. And for the first time ever he started saying “I love you I love you I love you so much” while we were having sex (usually he doesn’t even make a sound let alone say anything). Eventually he pulled out…but………………………I think he might have actually came in me a bit before he pulled out. This was all after 2 or 3 weeks of me REALLY working on distancing myself. I was no longer reacting to his behaviours or his words or anything. I was getting ready for the inevitable breakup and detaching very successfully (or so I thought). So I am thinking since he was so strict before about using condoms that maybe…maybe…he was trying to deliberately get me pregnant without making it obvious? Ie: Come in me a little but pull out too so that it looks like he just pulled out. I could be wrong…but I know female BPD’s will try to hook a man by getting pregnant deliberately. I wonder if he sensed me detachment and tried the same? At this point... I don’t know if I am pregnant or not. Which also has me worried…if I am…I am connected to this guy for life. And yet my heart is still telling me “Maybe he really does love you”. It’s like the angel and devil on each shoulder….in a battle of wills. I feel like a split person…and it’s really making me feel insane too.

Sorry for such a long post. I just really need some feedback. And some help with getting my head on straight!

[Clearmind]

Well eternity75 that is some list. How do you feel and what are your thoughts. Sounds pretty convincing.

My ex was a waif male and much of what you wrote rings true. I guess the point we need to be mindful of is how this behavior affects us.

[eternity75]

That is exactly the problem... . I don't know how to feel anymore! My feelings are like a rollercoaster. One minute I am in love and thinking I can tolerate this or that, thinking maybe this time he is sincere and will not cheat again. Honestly many of the things I list here I CAN tolerate. The cheating and constant lies I cannot. Even tonight, he tells me "I have to go to bed now (shortly after 1 a.m.) and then he is up til nearly 5 am online. He could just as easily say "I am tired and want to go relax and just unwind a bit before bed, I'll talk to you tomorrow."

I am also bothered that suddenly the fact that he has cheated and lied many times to me is becoming MY problem that I can't trust him. Initially he took responsibility but now it's starting to turn into "I don't like that you watch me and expect to know where I am and what I'm doing at all times. It's not fair" But takes no responsibility for having created this lack of trust. In the beginning I trusted him flat out until he gave me reason not to. Things have never been the same since. But he wants me to just pretend it didn't happen and trust him again. And he makes me feel guilty over a white lie saying he trusted me implicitly 100% but now he feels so disillusioned because I told him ONE lie. HE FEELS DISILLUSIONED? OMG... . I told him if the roles were reversed and I had cheated on him and he found out, he would not even give me one chance, he would leave. He seems to disagree... . but whatever.

The point here is, I feel I have an inability to look at his actions vs his words and separate the two. I feel I am fooling myself... . it's not just him fooling me. It is me accepting and allowing him to. But I also feel this helplessness to stop it from happening... . to pull away and end the torture and not look back. I feel confused at my inability to do this. I have done it many times in the past. I have done it with my own BPD father. I have done it with a BPD?NPD ex the second I found out he cheated on me, although I accepted many other things, I did not accept that. Other boyfriends who cheated and lied were GONE as soon as I found out. There were NO second or 3rd or 4th chances. Is this guy just so good at mirroring me and telling me what I want to hear that I am hooked like a drug? I know I am in love with him... . I also know I am in love with the fantasy of love... . of finding someone so close to everything I was looking for (cheating and lies excluded) and I give those things more weight and value in my heart.

I also think I am confused because I have been reading The Course In Miracles which talks about forgiveness and what true forgiveness really is. It's like a different version of the bible. But something about this has me so confused. Because I am believing what I read in it... . it makes a lot of sense. And then I look at him and I say "But I'm not truly forgiving him. I'm not truly loving him" I feel like leaving him... . is somehow saying what I felt for him was all a lie. I told him I would always love him. And I will. But I feel like that will be like a lie if I leave. I feel like forgiveness will be like a lie if I leave.

I am so conflicted

[Clearmind]

We don’t know how to feel or who we are because we loose ourselves. Firstly eternity we need to stretch ourselves beyond being hyper-focused on our partner and jumping into fix. This is enmeshment and very unhealthy for your both. A waif is not helpless by the way! They are very resourceful.

What about your own interests, family and friends. When was the last time you had a good time on your own doing what you want to do? Then comes the guilt because you so use to being available to him. Guilt can be processed and this comes from a deep seated facet within you that you were designed to fix from a young age. Start slowly stepping out of this role then you will begin to see more clearly.

You are undecided! You will waiver. Maybe you need to think of the deal breakers like cheating etc and go from there. Its pretty clear you are not getting what you want from this relationship. Start asking for what you do want otherwise your resentment will build – this is not healthy and shows poor boundaries.

Once a partner cheats trust is hard to gain back. What would it take for you to start trusting him again?

He will blame you if you don’t stand your ground and say “STOP”.

Where are you in all this – what do you want?

Have you checked out the lessons at the top of the board in yellow?

[eternity75]

You know what Clearmind... . the truth is this relationship has been easy and convenient for him. We are long distance... . he sees me when he wants and makes excuses when he doesn't. He gets all the benefits without actually having to commit to anything. And he keeps me hanging on with the crumbs of attention he gives me. And I cling to that like I should be so grateful. When I do see him it is the best time... . laughter, quality time spent together, relaxation, sex, fun activities. And then he leaves and gets to go back to putting in minimal effort. He calls me several times a day at specific times to talk for a few minutes about nothing of any importance- always the same conversation, always superficial and shallow. Lately the last phone call of the day doesn't come... . he says he'll call me after he is home from work and then he goes inside and sends me a text saying he'll see me on the computer. We chat on facebook for maybe 10-20 minutes and then he lies and says he has to be up early so he has to go to bed... . but spends the next 2-3 hours on the computer watching videos. So clearly there is little importance in talking to me. So why is he keeping me on this leash? If I am so unimportant (action-wise) then why does he keep me hanging on, why does he keep up with the phone calls, the I love you's, the visits once every 2-3 weeks or so? Why does he keep giving me hope and why do I keep eating it up like it's the best thing since sliced bread?

I am just trying to get some clarity.

What do I need to trust him again? I need him to demonstrate my importance in his life by actually including me in it, making me a priority, and showing me that I AM the only woman he wants.

My hope of this happening is slim to none... . I don't think he's capable. It all saddens me so much. I guess I want to detach and find what I deserve... . instead of crumbs... . but I don't know how to do that sometimes because I give so much weight to his words and not enough to his actions. And because I think I am fearful that he will hate me for leaving and turn me into some horrible person... . which... . I can't stand the thought of that. But maybe that is the inevitable end with someone with BPD.

[Clearmind]

eternity, it sounds like to me that you are not getting what you want from this relationship yet you are holding on hoping he will change. You do hold some personal power eternity and if its not right for you then... . you my friend have choices.