mommy has no money for food

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My 4 year SD came home and said that "mommy has no money for food." Kiddo told me that her BPDbiomom didn't feed her for the weekend. BPDbiomom has apparently moved again with her felon, that kiddo isn't supposed to be around. Kiddo told us that she went fishing with the felon. The felon's parental rights were terminated. He isn't supposed to be around his own kids, but BPDbiomom thinks bringing SD4 around him is a good idea.

We have no idea where in a town 95,000 where she is taking kiddo for her parenting time. She hasn't updated us with her address, or the court for that matter. It is so frustrating.

[newlymarried]

My 4 year SD came home and said that "mommy has no money for food." Kiddo told me that her BPDbiomom didn't feed her for the weekend. BPDbiomom has apparently moved again with her felon, that kiddo isn't supposed to be around. Kiddo told us that she went fishing with the felon. The felon's parental rights were terminated. He isn't supposed to be around his own kids, but BPDbiomom thinks bringing SD4 around him is a good idea.

We have no idea where in a town 95,000 where she is taking kiddo for her parenting time. She hasn't updated us with her address, or the court for that matter. It is so frustrating.

[DreamGirl]

You're often frustrated... . and venting about the mother of your stepdaughter.

Your frustration is stemming from a proverbial bar that you've set in her mothering skills that she is simply incapable (or unwilling) of meeting.

So you want her to change. You want her to be a better mother to her daughter (right?). 

She's probably not going to - either because she can't or because she doesn't really want to.

So while she's busy being who she's always been, you're frustrated and venting to feel better. Has that helped you feel any better? Has it induced any kind of change in your situation? 

There is a famous saying on the Staying Board here. Stop expecting the duck to bark and accept that ducks don't bark. They quack. I think it stems from Gestalts paradoxical theory of change - in that change does not begin until you learn to accept what "is" rather then what "should be". She struggles as a Mama and she's going to continue to struggle as a mama. She's a quacking duck because that's all she knows how to be.

newlymarried, I know it's tough when the other parent isn't following the rules. If you don't do anything about it or your husband doesn't do anything about it (enforcing the court order), then she will just continue doing it. She doesn't have the skill set to know/do any different.

So you're the only one here with the power to induce change.   

[newlymarried]

My DH just drew up a petition to enforce parenting time. He is doing this pro se because we can't afford a lawyer yet. We will be looking at fines and fees paid to the court, which is a step in the right direction. It is a matter of getting it done.

I can't imagine not feeding a child. We can't send the police for a well child check, because  we don't know where she is. We know she isn't at her parent's house, so do we send the cops there?

It is an impossible situation. I don't know or have faith that the family court will do right by my SD.

[DreamGirl]

My DH just drew up a petition to enforce parenting time. He is doing this pro se because we can't afford a lawyer yet. We will be looking at fines and fees paid to the court, which is a step in the right direction. It is a matter of getting it done.

Good.  

I can't imagine not feeding a child. We can't send the police for a well child check, because  we don't know where she is. We know she isn't at her parent's house, so do we send the cops there?

Be careful as far as how much value in what a 4 year old says. Listen to them... . but take into account that a 4 year old perception should not be taken as fact.

If you're concerned, take her to a physician or a therapist. I also highly recommend that any stepmom in these kinds of situations get their own therapist who has knowledge in blended families and BPD. It will help you stay grounded and not  

It is an impossible situation. I don't know or have faith that the family court will do right by my SD.

It feels like an impossible situation. It's important to stay away from phrases like that when you're trying to find a solution. Whether or not the court system will come through doesn't mean you can't navigate the situation at any given point.

Why won't she give you the address?

[david]

You should have the address. If she is not giving it to you that should be easy to fix pro se.

Remember to document everything.

One thing that has helped me is to realize that parenting doesn't stop even when the kids are not with me. I try to teach them, guide them, in the right direction in how to take care of themselves in their unique situation. It takes practice. I don't mention their mom but I show them how to handle things they are having difficulty when with their mom. Example, mom doesn't make breakfast for them. I don't know why and I don't email their mom. If I emailed their mom she would retaliate against them in some way because they "told on her". Instead, since the oldest is 14, I've been teaching him different things to make for breakfast. I try to give many different things that can be done since I have no idea what they have there. Yea, maybe he shouldn't be making breakfast for his brother and him but they get fed regardless. I have also included S10 with helping. They practice with me and they do it at mom's. They have learned to stick together and it actually has made them closer. This took months. We talk about variety, diet and proper nutrition. I make a contest out of it, which they both enjoy. Giving them the confidence will help them their entire life. Of course, I probably wouldn't have spent as much time at this if things were different but I consider it my job as a parent to show them things that they need right now. Identify their needs and guide them as best you can. It's regular parenting with a twist. The thing I have noticed is that they don't tell mom how they learned these things because that would also lead to retaliation.

[newlymarried]

Why won't she give you the address?

She won't give us her address because she is living with a felon. Kiddo is not allowed to be around felons as a part of the court order. She may have even married the felon. We don't know. She has admitted to living with the felon, and my DH has a recording of it.

Kiddo has a therapist and a history of GI problems. BPDbiomom wanted kiddo to have surgery for a problem that didn't exist. When kiddo has lots of fruits and veggies she is fine, if not she gets severely constipated. I ask kiddo about specific meals, ie what did you have for breakfast? When she comes home, the following morning she eats 2 huge breakfasts and asks for food throughout the day. Her stomach is also hard.

[DreamGirl]

Has your husband asked for the address?

Was her response "I won't tell you because I'm living with [insert boyfriend's name]"

You have to be careful here because Mom agreed to not living with the boyfriend and it was put in the court order. She wasn't ordered by the Judge not to live with the boyfriend.

There's a difference. Can she justify as to why she's going against it? and will the Judge think it's relevant to the overall picture?

As far as feeding your stepdaughter. If she didn't eat anything at all the entire weekend, that's a pretty serious situation. There would be several other symptoms involved then being really hungry. Have you researched what those symptoms might be? Talked to her general practioner? A GP can give you solid advice and give her an exam to determine if her health/weight is up to par.

I have a son who I swear didn't eat enough (he lived on apple juice and goldfish) but when talking to his physician, he was perfectly healthy.

If her mom really isn't feeding her then CPS really should be involved - it's neglect not to feed a child. Perhaps she's not feeding her properly (according to your standards) but that's not grounds for CPS involvement.  I would just tread lightly in this area, my 17 and 13 year old will say "there's no food at Dad's house" and when I ask my exH about it he'll explain, "No, there's plenty of food -like fruits and vegetables - because the wife is on a health kick and got rid of all the cookies and chips... . "

[newlymarried]

She signed a stipulation, saying that the kiddo will not be around felons. She is now living with a felon. She said she wouldn't give us the address because she didn't sign a lease.

She called kiddo saying that she and the felon are getting a new house. We have no idea where the kiddo is when she isn't with us.

The stipulation she signed said that all of her parenting time is to take place at her parents house. Kiddo comes home and tells us that she goes to felons house.

She has medically neglected kiddo already. When DH and BPDexw were still together, she didn't feed her. Kiddo has GI issues because of the neglect she already suffered.

[newlymarried]

We can't send CPS to check on the kiddo, because we don't know where she is. That is one of the cruxes of the problem.

[DreamGirl]

There seems to be lots of issues/problems that you are presenting.

Do you have any solutions that you're willing to try?

Forward motion helps me feel less stressed and less helpless.

[ForeverDad]

She signed a stipulation that parenting would be at her parents' home.  So when doing a well check, tell the police the parents' address or provide them a copy of the stip.  You can then get a copy of the report later, be sure to ask the officers to write a report since you may need it for court.  Yes, the report may say, "Child was not at residence but arrived a half hour later because the family said they were "out".

Hmm, in such case, maybe the officers can ask to see where child sleeps or make it late enough or early enough that child is likely to be sleeping but still not present.

Based on the stip, your H has the expectation that his child will be at ex's parents' home.  The problem is that she'll just claim to have been "out for a while" on an errand or movie or whatever.

Just because ex claims not to be on a lease is no basis to refuse to provide a residential address.

If she got married you can go to the local court house and search marriage records, they're generally public record but seldom online.  You might need to browse more than one county's records.

[newlymarried]

The motion that my DH drew up is a start. I don't know that the court will give us the relief that we are asking for, including updating her financials and address. We can't send the cops or CPS to check on kiddo because of the lack of address. Once the motion is filed we have a month before we know what, if anything is going to happen. Right now the situation is untenable because there is nothing we can do. We need to trust that the family court will do the right thing.

Mom agreed to the stipulation, which then becomes part of the court order. She agreed because she doesn't think that DH can do anyting because the family court is very female friendly in the state where she lives.

[Deb]

newlymarried,

I really don't have any advice. I just wanted to say I really do understand your frustration at SD's biomom's lack of parenting. My SD's biomom isn't a PD, but probably had FAS (fetal alcohol syndrome). She was incapable of making good parenting decisions. It took me awhile, but accepting that she would NEVER be a good parent made it easier for me. Ok, I do have one thought. What would happen if you told her that until you have an address, SD would not be going with her? Just trying to think about somethings. I mean since you know SD is with felon and may not be fed correctly, if it went to court, could you plead "Safety of SD"? Could you get an emergency order?

[newlymarried]

We were told that the court really frowns on emergency petitions. I wish we could file that motion, but the court would most likely slam us down. DH is a cop and therefore an officer of the court, so we follow the order to the letter. We are both nervous about asking the court for relief.

I had my first nightmare related to biomom in almost a year because of the motion. I am worried that BPDbiomom's very enmeshed parents will step in to rescue her from any consequences.

[martillo]

If boyfriend is a felon, is he on probation?   If he is on probation, doesn't he have to list his residence with his parole officer?  Can you or H contact parole officer to verify his address?  Also, where is drop-off and pick-up?  If she drops-off and picks-up maybe you all could flip it so you all can go to her residence to drop-off and pick-up.  Just my 2 cents... .

[newlymarried]

Boyfriend/felon got off paper in May, and BPDbiomom just told kiddo that they were getting a new house. We do drop offs at a police station, so everything is video recorded. She lives in a different state and is now coming to pick up kiddo in felon's car.

[mamachelle]

Hey newlymarried,

I just wanted to let you know I was following your posts. I am sorry. I know, I know, my DD BioBPDDad  moved houses and didn't tell me so many times. He also gave me numerous false addresses and did all sorts of things that my DD 13 and 16 are still telling me about now 4 years after not seeing him.

At one point I sent the kids over with disposable cameras (on the advice of my attorney mom)  to take "fun pictures' but Dad confiscated the camera. This was when the giris then 9 and 11 said that Dad had moved and that he was living in a place with the blue police camera lights on the telephone poles which meant prob a not so good neighborhood.

The girls also told me Dad was cooking on a camping stove in the middle of winter in an apartment and I was worried about a fire. Whenever I asked for  information I was invariably given more misinformation mixed with truth. It is highly frustrating and I understand your need to vent.

My attorney was able to help me sort out what was something a judge would consider as part of custody case and what was just a difference in parenting styles.

At any rate, you are getting good advice here. Please do keep following your gut.

 mamachelle

[musicfan42]

You mention that your SD needs a lot of fruit and veg. Could you send a packed lunch or at least a few snacks to tide her over while she is at her mother's house?

Some fruit and veg snacks could be dried fruit, fresh fruit, veggie crudites (celery, carrot, cucumber, courgette cut up into thin long slices). You could serve a dip like hummus with the crudites and that dip would give her some protein. You could alternatively make a yogurt dip for the crudites-just add some mint/chives and lemon to the yogurt.

Other options could be a smoothie-you could add yogurt and oats to the smoothie to make it more filling and give her some healthy protein and carbohydrates.

She's only 4 so she's a growing child and needs a lot of energy. For carbohydrate sources, you could include some whole-wheat crackers and cereal bars. She needs protein and calcium so you could include things like slices of ham, cheese triangles (you know those mini cheeses you could get?), carton of milk, yogurt and spoon.

There's this snack idea called "ants on a log" where you slice some celery up, put peanut butter in the middle and then stick some raisins at the top. Obviously, peanut butter isn't the healthiest thing ever but it is high calorie so it would keep her hunger at bay for at least a little bit.

I don't know how well this would work in practice but just putting it out there... I think that the biological mother would react strongly if she discovered that the daughter had food with her so you would probably have to be sneaky about it... that's why I suggest food items that are small like cereal bars, fruit juices, pieces of fruit.

[newlymarried]

I have sent the kiddo down with home made banana bread and pumpkin bread, she told me that BPDbiomom threw it out. The first time she said that mommy didn't feed her I sent down some 100% juice juice boxes, biobiomom threw that out too.

[musicfan42]

Oh I'm sorry to hear that newlymarried. Sending your SD with food was an obvious suggestion-of course you had thought of that already. I agree with mamachelle-keep following your gut instincts on this!

[Rubies]

Newlymarried, I know this is really stressful for you and it's scary sending a vulnerable child off with a BPD and a felon unsupervised.

I want to share some kid antics with you my kids pulled pre-BPD involvement.

Eldest DD at 4 told preschool staff I didn't feed her, she HAD to eat dog food.

Truth:  I couldn't keep her out of the dog food, she crunched and munched a handful while I cooked a healthy from scratch dinner after a full day of riding ponies.  Those dinners are not instant on demand!

I've heard my kids, and other people's kids say, "Mom/Gramma/Auntie/babysitter won't feed me... . "  They don't finish the sentence with the truth... . "... . What I want."   

Yes, mom threw it away because it was opened, left sitting in the hot car and turned to wine, got nasty.  Mom threw it away because it was left uneaten, dropped on the floor, licked by the dog, covered in ants, needed to be thrown away.

Little girls can be such drama queens!  All kids learn to yank chains to play the sympathy card in attempt to broker the best deals possible.  Unfortunately at such a young age, your little girl has no idea how serious her situation is, she simply wants a better deal.  There may be way more going on with her, counseling would be a a big help and give you peace of mind.

[newlymarried]

She has a therapist. When she made that pronouncement. I asked well what did you have for lunch, "nothing"  was her response. I tried to get specifics. BPDbiomom has a history of not feeding the kiddo. DH had a friend staying with him and BPDbiomom for a while, the friend told my DH that BPDbiomom didn't feed kiddo. If there wasn't a history of neglect I would just blow thing off as a kid being dramatic. Kiddo eats like there is no tomorrow when she gets up Monday morning. A 4 year old eating 4 regular sized pancakes 4 pieces of bacon and then an hour later having 3 bowls of cereal is common when she gets home.

[Rubies]

Okay.  Perhaps it's time to get her pediatrician on board with regular check ups, weight and measurements and special diet, including a form to be filled out by parents on everything the child eats to help detect "metabolism disorders" or whatever.  A child's doctor is incredibly helpful and creative in documenting parental behaviors which are detrimental to the health and wellbeing of his patients.

Build a trustworthy support team for your little girl made up of you, your DH and 3rd party mandated reporters, her counselor, doctor and preschool teacher.

[newlymarried]

The director of the preschool has asked us on more than one occasion, why don't you (DH and I) have sole custody of kiddo. They see her on the Mondays when she gets back, and there is a huge difference. I don't know how to use those 3rd party people to help us though.

[Rubies]

Ask them to document statements made by the child, her condition and overall wellbeing before and after visits with BPD parent and her interactions with you and her dad.  Things they find disturbing about the situation.

[newlymarried]

Thank you for your guidance, I will do just that.

[Rubies]

Please get your little girl to her pediatrician and express your concerns there.  Keep regular appointments.  This is your child's most professional and knowledgeable ally and hold the most credibility with the judge.  Medical issues are hard evidence.