Threw the Kitchen Sink at You?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Whenever my exBPD gf and I would have an arguement, I would hear about everything I had ever done wrong... . it was like she never really forgave anything that had been done wrong.  Have others experienced this behavior from their BPD/NPD ex?  Mine was a queen/witch blend... .

[Blade99d]

Whenever my exBPD gf and I would have an arguement, I would hear about everything I had ever done wrong... . it was like she never really forgave anything that had been done wrong.  Have others experienced this behavior from their BPD/NPD ex?  Mine was a queen/witch blend... .

[Validation78]

Hi Blade!

The more stories you read here, the more you'll hear the same from others. It's as if some pwBPD have a steel trap mind that stores everything we say and for future use, especially if it triggers an emotion for them, they won't forget it. The really bad thing is when we feel bad ourselves about having done something, and it is later used against us. Here's one instance, amongst many, where the Wise Mind techniques come in handy. If used properly, we do not allow ourselves to be triggered!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Surnia]

Yes, Blade99

same thing for me. Its one of the simplest things to control somebody: Invalidate, critisize... .

The sad part for me how long it took for me to find that he is wrong not me :'(

[Clearmind]

BPD is a shame and emotional disorder – if you hold intense shame its very unlikely you will take responsibility for any wrong doing – it would only feed the shame cycle more.

So my friend, did you at all blame yourself during the arguments? Were the words twisted to the stage of you having no idea which way was up? Because I agree, that its likely it did trigger a reaction in you and pushed that 'I-am-not-good-enough" button.

[Blade99d]

Honestly Clearmind, after it happened 3-4 times, I came to expect it, and sure enough - it happened every time.  This was before I learned about BPD/NPD, so I was really green behind the ears.  That combined with the splitting black left me totally demoralized.  3-4 months later, I am glad I had the relationship with her.  She is a sick sick person, but she brought me to rock bottom, and without that, I would have never gotten into Therpy to address my issues from childhood, so to a large degree, I am happy I had her in my life.  Kind of a love / hate thing... . just like BPD.  Oh the irony

[Onmyown]

Hi Blade

I had the experience. 

Told that I was forgiven, that the past was in the past.   One slight blip in his radar that things weren't as they should be (in his mind) and everything would resurface.  Things from 3 years ago!   Even the "I still hate you for that!"   

After awhile you just learned it was going to always happen.

NC Blade.  Don't let her into your healthy world. 

Onmyown

[Ittookthislong]

depends, as a woman ive done that before if i felt they were not being genuine or making any effort to change those things they did that i didnt like

[Clearmind]

Honestly Clearmind, after it happened 3-4 times, I came to expect it, and sure enough - it happened every time.  This was before I learned about BPD/NPD, so I was really green behind the ears.  That combined with the splitting black left me totally demoralized.  3-4 months later, I am glad I had the relationship with her.  She is a sick sick person, but she brought me to rock bottom, and without that, I would have never gotten into Therpy to address my issues from childhood, so to a large degree, I am happy I had her in my life.  Kind of a love / hate thing... . just like BPD.  Oh the irony

 

[Reg]

The past is the past, heard that line also over and over again.  Funny thing is that she always kept blaming me also for everything even things from years ago.  Or how she projected her mistakes on me, something that never really worked and I confronted her many times with the reason something had happened.  It was of no use of course.  And it was leading to serious discussions or break ups. After some time she refused to talk about the past, but she was the first one to start talking about it again, in general ways after some time.  She was not able to forgive anything at all... .

It is what I wrote down about my relationship, and what Clearmind mentioned, their self defense borderline behavior, will do anything not to be more ashamed of themselves.

Reg

[danley]

Kitchen sink plus utensils... .

If someone made him upset and it bothered him, guess who's fault it suddenly became? Mine. Even tho it made absolutely no sense, in my exes mind it was my fault. I must be talking behind his back with this person that made him upset.

If his house was a mess, which it frequently was, guess who's fault it became? Mine. Him spending a few hours during the week with me was to blame for the mess that remained for over a year.


The list goes on and on. When we had a disagreement or when I'd discuss something that I wasn't happy with, he'd have a tantrum that would be so dramatic that I'd forget what I wanted to discuss. I'd be more annoyed at his childish outburst and from there he'd go off about something unrelated. After a while I noticed the pattern and wouldn't sway from the topic I wanted to talk about. He'd try and try to tangent or blame me for something. But I kept focused and wouldn't fall for his game. This is when he started to become more passive aggressive. He'd shut down and ignore and give me the silent treatment. This wasn't any fun either.

My ex would throw the kitchen sink and then some. I think it was his way of protecting his ego. It was his pride and shame of actually hearing that he had some something wrong. He could not take it. So as a lashback he'd fire whatever he could back at me. Sometimes I think he felt hurt and shame and wanted to pay me back for it when he'd do this. But that's just my opinion.

[Numbers]

I am a member of "kitchensinked" club too

It never ends. We are now separated but still detaching. Just a few weeks ago she stated in written how she "releases any wrongs done to her and holds no grudges against me". Now, when we meet, we are back to blaming and remembering wrongs that are months, even years in the past.

There is one thing I find peculiar and I'd love to hear opinions. If BPD is governed by shame, how exactly this keen ability to remember negatives connects to internal shame? These were all things that *I have* done and that I am not proud of. Yes, I was provoked but there is still no danger for her to accept responsibility, just to let go, and I do not see how shame could prevent it from happening.

[hardhabit2break]

I, too, live in a world where I am not only blamed for everything wrong in my BPD H world (especially our relationship). Not only is the past constantly thrown in my face, but his distorted view of it all is mind boggling.  I have gotten a lot of "you ALWAYS do this" "you NEVER did that". If he interpreted some way I treated him of being wrong on occasion, it automatically became a huge issue.  He never let anything go. Wow, what a heavy load he carries.

I am one of so many on this site who only realized it is BPD, so things are so much clearer to me. Our relationship only "worked" for 31 years (married for 28) because I allowed him to blame me. Sure, I tried it all; explaining myself, defending myself, saying I understood his feelings.  But once that switch went off... . and boy it sure goes off quick... . there was never any way to bring him back around.  I validated his feelings, of course I did.  And the truth is that all the things he says and feels are his truth. But I validated him to the point of not allowing myself to validate mine.

He would constantly say that he is tired of talking to me about the same issues over and over again and I don't make any effort to change them. Would he ever realize I didn't want to change?

The actual icing on the cake, cherry on the Sundae, straw that broke the camels back, is what has come to end our marriage.  I won't explain it all, since I have already posted so much of what has happened since May.  I discovered excessive text and phone conversations (thank you again to whoever is up there watching over me).  Never in my marriage have I been suspicious of my H. I didn't confront him at first. Fool that I was, I didn't want to bring the question of trust into our relationship. I wanted to find out more on my own and truly believed I would find that it was not betrayal; possibly something, but not betrayal. I did finally confront him about the phone usage after I was able to find out the numbers all belonged to WOMEN. His explanation was that they were just friends, people he talked to about his family problems, people who listened and understood, BECAUSE he couldn't communicate with me, I wasn't his best friend anymore, he was tired of talking to me about the same issues over and over again.  He said if I would just be is best friend (my best friend ruined our relationship), if we could just reconnect, blah, blah, blah.  And I bought it! I actually felt bad!  We ended the night by making up. I took the burden off him once again.  That was short lived. By late the next morning my gut (yup, we all got em out there; why it's taken me my 49 years of living to finally start listening to it) was at me again, saying "no, this still doesn't seem right".  I wanted to believe him so badly. It only took a few days, but I found out the real truth (not all of it, for that I will never know). He is having an affair (found a new SO) and online/text/chat betrayal and deviant sexual behavior, and who the heck knows what else.

Yup, of course it is all my fault. I know what he has told his new GF. Geez, I was reading the chats while he was writing them! He believes what he believes and has already forgiven himself.  He doesn't know why I just can't get over it, move one, it happened, he didn't intend on hurting me.

His inability to feel empathy, or really any other emotion that isn't selfish, has left me with hurt, anger, pain, confusion and so much more that he can never understand. He is puzzled by the fact that I feel he has destroyed his family!

So, yes, I know how the pwBPD can constantly blame us over and over for the wrongs we have done them.  I have had it all thrown at me, kitchen sink and so much more!  Btw, he can't understand  why I'm divorcing him!  He thinks I'm crazy!

[Walker9455]

It really is astounding how badly BPD apparently skews perceived reality, twists the emotions and memories of the people we love(d?) so deeply.  Since Accepting the situation on 7/7, and truly coming to grips with where we (stbEx-dBPDw, myself, and our 7yo son) were, and where we are going with our once-marriage, I have begun seeing other people - didn't slow her down a bit at first, she has her "true love", her welfare rat in shining, impoverished, rusty armor, and he's fun.  Since seeing 2 women over several weeks on casual dates, I've been getting conversations at the house centering around all the things I am doing with them that we never did (wrong), hadn't done in years (by her choice 9 times out of 10), all the attention I'm giving them that I *NEVER* gave her (despite changing work shifts, burning every variety of Leave time available, and transferring Stations entirely to spend more time with her).  Years of complete support while she suffered bi-weekly to monthly life-threatening seizures - years of shift work and overtime, sometimes with as little as 2-3 hours of sleep between shifts and an hour-long commute on either end of work.  Complete support and indulgence from me, support and acceptance of my entire family.  And now, after leaving me at the end of April for this piece of refuse she's been carrying on with since fall of 2012 (breakup on April 28 when I found out, confronted her, and it all came out), she's acting resentful, *jealous* (?) and hurt that I can lavish all this attention on someone that isn't her.  Life is quite entertaining now - not always sunshine and unicorns, but I am much happier than I have been in quite some time (no longer compensating subconsciously for all her aberrant behaviors), quite close to getting her out of our home and into her own apartment, on her own, and reducing contact to only what is needed for our son.  I don't for one second believe that it's well and truly over - first big blowup with her dirtbag has not happened yet, but I see it coming like a bullet train down the rails - and the inevitable recycle.  Bracing for that as best I can, and doing what I can to shield our son from the worst when it happens.

Additionally - she's gotten a full-time job, 12 hour nights shifts - 3 on, 2 off/2 on, 3 off - gets every other weekend that way, quite good pay for entry level w/GED ($12/hr plus overtime), and is doing very well at it - but reality reared it's head.  Childcare, work schedule, sleep schedule, and other responsibilities take a hefty toll - she's getting a crashcourse, and it is definitely taking the bloom off the rose of her loving new relationship.

[cylec]

Blade,

Funny you should mention that... . (sarcasm said with a smile)... .

Absolutely.   This board of full of the exact same stories.   Even after a break up it continues to happen.  My gf broke up with me this past week, out of the blue.    Apparently she had been seeing someone else and decided it was time to move on from me to a newer victim.   Since learning about BPD, I made the decision to not be combative or participate in any of her efforts to start a fight.  Last night she felt the need to contact me and tell me everything that was wrong with me, how I had abused her, how I was dumped for a better man, and that I was the one with BPD, not her.

Thank heavens for this board and the experience others have shared.   For the first time in a year I did not take it personally.   I realized everything she was accusing/blaming me for she was actually talking about herself.   The sad thing is, in her little BPD mind she is convinced that I am the spawn of satan and no words will ever change that.

Blade, through all the pain, hurt, disappointment, anger, frustration, ad nauseum, the thing that I hold onto is getting myself better.   It ain't about them any longer.   At the end of the day we have the opportunity to move on with our lives and be happy, them, they consigned to the hell of a BPD existence for the rest of their lives.

Cyle