Making a stand

[HoldingAHurricane]

As a background, in the beginning of our relationship, my husband cheated a lot with women he met online gaming. Our relationship was LD at the time and it was hard to see what was going on initially. Add to that, a general level of immaturity and obsessiveness, when it comes to gaming, I find it regularly interferes with our life. He he decided to take a time out of the preparations for a party to “check on my game and queue some builds”.  He will also sit up into the wee hours and play and then sleep late or come in from work and sit in the bedroom on his own to play.

The constant reminders of his cheating and lying and the intrusiveness are very distressing to me. I'm working with a therapist but gaming is a bad trigger for me. After several unsuccessful attempts to talk it through, and him repeatedly playing in secret, I raised it in therapy with his therapist a few months ago. Subsequently, he told me his therapist thinks it’s not really an issue as long as he doesn’t play all the time. Who knows if that’s true, it’s extremely dismissive of me if it is but then his therapy isn’t about me, I suppose.

This past weekend, we had a nice, loving, weekend and as I was reading he bought his computer out and started to play one of his online games. His words reminded me of that time and really triggered me in a way that even I was shocked by. It was like being swamped by a wave and I was totally overwhelmed. I felt panic and I left the house a bit disoriented. That has not happened to me before.

My former husband, whom I share 2 sons with, and a friendly relationship, is currently on vacation with our sons. I’m watching his house for him so I drove and slept there, sending one text to my husband saying I wasn’t coming home. In the first 2 days, there was virtually no communication between us. He never asked where I was or why I was gone and couldn’t talk to him without wanting to be very angry so I didn’t contact him. On the third day, feeling more balanced, I send an email using DEARMAN, explaining. He responded with indifference and various pretences about not to have seen the email, commenting on an insignificant detail in the email, made vague promises to respond sometime etc and was typically dismissive and unconcerned.

I reasserted what I had said and made it clear that his gaming has become a deal breaker for me. I can’t live with it. Maybe one day but not now. He acted indifferent in response. He said he will chat it over with this therapist in a few days and respond “sometime”. I am very hurt that faced with the choice of losing our marriage or stopping playing online games he has to take some time to consider his options. It’s so callous. At this point even if he says he will give up the games for a while, I feel this has fight over gaming has been further damaging to our relationship.

I’ve put up with a lot of crap. Only, 2 weeks ago he stopped taking his meds and was withdrawing badly and suicidal. I took him to the hospital which he ran away from and I was up half the night dealing with the police and mental health team and he can’t decide which if I’m worth more than online games!  That’s just lovely.

Am I wrong for making a stand against something brings me so much grief?     

[Validation78]

Hi Holding!

No, you're not wrong for defining your values and establihing a boundary around a particular behavior. It is your right to do so. The down side of course is accepting the consequences. You know you can't force him to change, so not accepting the behavior is your only choice. It's hard to do this, I know!

Best Wishes,

Val78