Need advice re: divorce proceedings

[cm2012]

I’m a newbie, but I’ve been reading a lot on this site, so will try to use some of the insights I’ve gotten from the articles and posts I’ve read. My situation (and I apologize for being long winded, but I don’t know how to explain things, without explaining things): I’ve been in relationship with my uBPDh for over 13 years. First 5 years had some recycling going on, but the last time we got back together we got married. We’ve been married for 8 ½ years. I always knew our relationship had some dysfunction to it, but I denied, and compensated, and enabled, in order to keep the wonderful parts (and there were lots of wonderful parts.)

Between the time we met and the time we married he became estranged from both his grown children. I knew them and had stayed in touch with them during the recycling phases of our relationship before the marriage. His son told me that he and his mother (first wife) thought that my husband had BPD.  I scoffed at the idea and supported my husband when the son presented the idea to him. But about 3 years into the marriage I started wondering if my husband had bipolar disorder, because the rages would come on so suddenly and out of nowhere. I used to call it “having the rug pulled out from under me.” One minute everything was fine and the next I’d be accused of something so far from reality that it would leave me reeling.  And trying to defend myself and use logic and facts only seemed to enrage him more, so I learned what it took to keep the peace as much as I could. And because my husband is very intelligent, high functioning and successful and there was enough time between episodes, I’d think that it was some kind of anomaly and it wouldn’t happen again.

Then, this past year, both my husband’s parents died within months of each other ( they were elderly and the deaths were natural and expected events.) But he didn’t handle it well. (I know this had something to do with abandonment issues and his very abusive/neglected childhood.) He took it all out on me. I became the unrelenting target of blame. Everything that was wrong in his life was my fault. And he used money to punish me, withdrawing all support.  When we married we were in equal financial positions, but he had a business that gave him a modest income, but had never made a profit. I had a business background and got involved. Soon things improved and the business started to make a very nice profit that turned into an exceptional income over the years we were married. I worked alongside him in the business, used my money in times when it was needed and also helped develop other business ventures, but I was never made an owner. (We live in a non community property state and we have a pre-nup.) He controlled all of the finances and shared with me what he thought I “deserved.” And when he blamed me for all of his ills, he decided that I didn’t deserve anything. I had no income other than what came from his business. He wanted me to use my savings from a small inheritance to pay for half of the monthly joint expenses. I thought that was unreasonable, since I had a significant part in creating the income that he enjoyed. When he didn’t get his way he filed for divorce and used emotional bullying to drive me out of the house. (things like saying “if you stay in this house I’m not going to make the mortgage payments.”) So I moved out.

He didn’t really want a divorce, he just wanted his way, and as he said, he filed “to see what I would do.” When he realized he wasn’t getting his way he did a turn-around and was extremely remorseful, rescinded the divorce and wanted me to come home. I agreed to come home, but only if we got counseling.

We went to a very well respected team of therapists for an intensive marriage counseling retreat.  After about 16 hours of therapy they told me they couldn’t continue with the couples therapy because what they were seeing was emotional abuse and I was just accepting it. And if I wasn’t going to stand up for myself then their involvement was only making them complicit in the abuse. I was shocked. All I was doing is what I had always done: which is what I had to do to keep the peace. They gave me no hope of saving the marriage because my husband was so intractable. They suggested that BPD/NPD were probably issues and asked me what I wanted them to do. I told them I just wanted to get home and to please not make things worse for me by suggesting any of this to him. 

When we got home I moved out of the house again. He again pleaded for me to come home. When I didn’t, he filed for divorce a second time. All of this time he has also blamed me for the separation and divorce because I “chose” to move out of the house and he had no choice but to file for divorce. He is the victim in all of this and all of it is my fault. He’s gone out of his way to punish me with what he controls best – money. He’s made me responsible for some joint bills, while I live on unemployment (that, at least was one perk of being an employee, not an owner!) while he has, literally, 20 times the income that I have – from the business that I helped make profitable. He’s bought a new luxury car and tried to buy a new house (that mortgage was thwarted because I wouldn’t sign a document saying I wouldn’t make a claim to the house that was going to be in his name only.) Meanwhile the house we own together is underwater, and he believes I should pay half of the underwater amount so we can sell it. (I made half of the down payment with money I had before the marriage and contributed my share of the mortgage payments from my money.)

So now we get to the interesting part: During the first separation it was discovered that an addendum to our prenup that was simply intended to correct a drafting error had actually left out a paragraph in the original prenup that pertained to a settlement in the event of a divorce  - a settlement that was based on my contribution to his business. At the time, neither of us thought or intended that to be the result of the addendum. It was clearly another drafting error (and I have emails and voice messages that support that.) But my husband is now trying to exploit the error and says that I will leave with nothing because I deserve nothing.  And then he turns around and pleads with me to come home because he loves me and would have nothing if it weren’t for me. I realize this is splitting. But, at this point I’m clear that there isn’t any way to save this marriage. My husband will not remotely entertain the notion that his behavior isn’t normal or justified. And I’ve finally had to face the fact that there isn’t any way for me to come out of this with any self worth intact, if I don’t leave now. Don’t get me wrong – I’m grieving terribly for what’s been lost and having a very difficult time disengaging completely. I miss what we had that was good and find myself, against all logic, thinking that some miracle could happen that could bring that back. But I know it’s not possible.

So that brings me to the current situation: In the last few weeks I’ve tried to have as little contact with him as possible: not responding to emails or voice messages, except as necessary. I told him last week that I don’t want to communicate with him for now. He seemed to be honoring that, since I haven’t had any communication with him since then. Today I was reading posts and articles about NC, which I believe is what I need to do. Just when I had made that commitment to myself I got an email from my attorney with a copy of a letter from my husband’s attorney saying that my husband doesn’t want the divorce. That he wants to reconcile and if I’ll work on reconciliation then he will provide me with some financial assistance, (along with a lot of other stuff about our separation and what my husband thinks is the reason I left, which he says doesn’t have anything to do with his behavior.)  It threw me for a loop. I think it’s just another way for him to be the victim and me to be the bad guy – “look at how hard I’m trying and she’s the one who’s intractable.”  And it’s another way for him to impose himself on me using the attorney as proxy. I’ve read the book “Splitting” by Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger and I’m concerned about the court proceedings since I’m going to have to contest the addendum to the prenup.

Anyone have advice/stories on communication with a pwBPD/NPD during divorce proceedings?

[DreamFlyer99]

Wow. i don't have any advice for your specific question as i have no experience with that, but after i read your story i had to at the least say "i understaaaaaand!" My uBPDh has exhibited some of those same things, he's high functioning, does awesomely in his work life, but hasn't yet (at age 60) quite learned to control those emotions that vomit out in the attempt to claim no responsibility in things. That's the emotional immaturity part of the BPD, and i think we don't pick up on it right away because they aren't 3 year olds and we aren't expecting it. Such an interesting thing (when i am able to step back from the exploding emotion grenade!)

i think a lot of us have been confused by their actions, i think a lot of us have tried to use logic, i think most of us have wondered where the heck "the other guy" went. Like, "wasn't i just dealing with a grown up a minute ago?"

Not much help for you, i just wanted to assure you how familiar these kind of actions are to others like me. Your case sounds plenty complicated, but it does seem like you've come to peace with your decision to end the marriage. And now it's just figuring out how to deal with the mess he's making and wanting you to clean up.

i know I've sure been in that place of peaceKEEPING where i did what i felt i needed to do to keep from getting slaughtered. Unfortunately, like your therapists pointed out, that leaves you open to the abuse. It was hard for me to come to the point of realizing peaceMAKING was an entirely different deal, and that if i really wanted peace i was gonna have to shake things up (which did NOT sound like peace to me! )

See? you're not the only "long-winded" person on here (though i prefer to think of it more along the lines of "thoughtful word wandering" or some such thing. )

i hope you get some answers and help from "those in the know." 

[cm2012]

Thanks for the support. It's good to hear that others understand what it's like. It sounds like you're still in the marriage. You say had to "shake things up." Can I ask how you did that and what result you got?

[GaGrl]

You should probably re-post this on the Legal/Divorce site -- you'll get more info on the legal aspects.

[cm2012]

You should probably re-post this on the Legal/Divorce site -- you'll get more info on the legal aspects.

Gagrl,

Thanks - I figured that out today. Learning the ropes here!

[DreamFlyer99]

Thanks for the support. It's good to hear that others understand what it's like. It sounds like you're still in the marriage. You say had to "shake things up." Can I ask how you did that and what result you got?

Yes you may!

"Shaking things up" has been a matter of me no longer allowing myself to stay in the abusive moment, by using tools I've learned on this site about what things I was doing that made it worse (JADE-- justifying, arguing, defending, and... . hm. can't remember the last one.) And using communication techniques from this site like SET-- support, empathize, truth. Just better ways of communication with the person with BPD traits. BUT all that to say, my H is willing to work on his part of the relationship, which is not true of everyone.

The good part of learning those skills is that it will make the time you are still dealing with him as you disengage go more smoothly, and that can be worth so much! Once I got a better handle on the issues of a pwBPD from reading Randi Kreger's book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" (i'm also working my way through her newer one, I think it's called "the Family Guide to BPD" or something similar) I could understand that I wasn't dealing with someone who could hear logic when they are dysregulating. At that point we need to politely disengage (the concept of "taking a time out" ourselves, since we only WISH we could sit them in the corner!) to save our own sanity.

The tools for working with the person with BPD (and in your case, NPD) are "your mileage may vary" sorts of things, since we only have control of our end of the "conversation." But they go a loong way toward taking our behaviors that trigger them to be more off the rails out of the equation. and that has helped in my case.

Like I said, for me the staying is dependent on my H's willingness to look at the dynamics himself. And he is. That makes a huge difference.

Any other questions, feel free to ask me, i'm a pretty open book (especially since we're all incognito on this site! )

df99