The ex has tried to cross boundaries during child dropoffs.

[ProfDaddy]

Been divorced from dBPD ex for 3 years plus 1 year of separation.  I have primary custody of S9 and D12, ex sees them EOW, 2 vacation weeks per year, and 1 optional weeknight when no school the next morning.  Carefully established boundaries following the same procedures as everyone else on these boards.  It was difficult to break the dysfunctional patterns, but I did and have enjoyed some years of relative peace.  Three things changed over the past 6 month that have triggered my ex an lead to constant challenges to boundaries.  (1) She broke up with her boyfriend and moved back to the city where I live with the children.  (2) I am engaged and moved in with the children and my fiancee.  (3) S9 diagnosed with bipolar, was in psych hospital twice this past year, RTC for 4 months, and now a therapeutic boarding school.

The ex has tried to cross boundaries during child dropoffs.  :)12 is perfectly capable of carrying her own stuff to the car when I pick her up from her mother's house.  However, her mom insists on coming out to the car with D12 to start a conversation with me.  I had to send an email about "drop and go" during exchanges.

The ex also starts lots of drama regarding planning, care, and paperwork for S9.  Almost held up the admissions process for S9, insisted on talking with me about things she had agreed to a previous week.  Threatened to lawyer-up and litigate to avoid paying her share of expenses.  Meanwhile, jeapordizing treatment for S9 unless I would call and speak with her.  Couldn't manage to pick up papers from an envelope under the door mat, sign and return, without twisting it so we had to speak.  I feel stupid because I have to work so hard to avoid being cornered into speaking over stuff that doesn't require interaction at all.  

Now that S9 is placed at a therapeutic boarding school for 4th grade, ex is challenging boundaries there as well.  School is out of my state and they are planning 1 of 4 family weekends.  Therapist there wanted everyone to attend -- it is in a small town, at a small facility, no way to avoid each other.  Fiancee said it was creepy, our family T agreed that everyone going was a bad idea, I was the customer, and tell the boarding school no.  Finally helped their T understand, ex will go to the first family weekend, we will visit another time.  The T from the boarding school initially tried to get the ex to come a different time, she got pissed that I tried to "block her" from her time with S9, she sent lots of loaded emails, tried to get me to engage in a conversation about it.  Tried to make me look unreasonable for refusing to spend time with her for son's benefit.  For fracks-sake, she isn't part of my family anymore.  She can schedule her own time and if that's unreasonable on my part, then I'll be unreasonable rather than watching her act like a parent for a day or two and then go back to abandoning the children.  

That's about all for venting right now.  I'm very frustrated to face all the boundary setting issues over and over again.  My daughter, my fiancee, and I are happy living together.  If my son manages to learn to control his emotions at his boarding school, he is welcome to join the rest of us.  My fiancee is supportive of me and the children.  We are all getting worn down by the attempts by my ex to re-insert herself in our lives.  Hope she gets a new boyfriend soon and loses interest in us!

[Rubies]

Stick to your boundaries, keep enforcing them, life does get easier.

Your BPDxw having to visit your son without you will give the boarding school staff clear insights how they can help your son recognize and manage his own issues.  Knowledge is power.

[mamachelle]

ProfDaddy,

I think yes, you need to stick to the boundaries you set. Especially now with the Therapeutic School.

When my SS15 was hospitalized for suicidal ideation, psychosis, bipolar... . BPDBioMom did very little but she really wanted to fly in from 1000 miles away where she lives -- she felt tremendous guilt I think. Luckily, because she had a DUI and could not rent a car, and because emotionally she realized she was not able to handle his hospitalization-- she opted to send a care package instead.

After the first IEP conference we had together with BioMom 5 years ago where she cried and angrily questioned why I was there... we refused to do P/T or IEP conferences together. The next one school scheduled back to back and we (DH and I) were first and she threw a rock at my windshield parked outside the school before she went in.   Now 6 years later she doesn't even know what teachers her kids have or even understand the type of therapeutic schooling SS15 is in w/in the public high school. He is also on the autism spectrum  and has some gross and fine motor issues and problems with thinking with and may be pre-schizophrenic so the main thing I am dealing with is the 'lack of insight' with both Mom and Son on his limits. He returned from his summer weeks with her and uNPD grandma talking about getting his license which I understand he wants on some level--- but really scares me to death to think about driving with him.  Mom and Grandma always push for the driving from the comfort of not living near him and/or having to teach him to drive. 

I think BioMom in your case feels a lot of guilt and probably relates to your S's feelings and inability to control his behavior and feels so nervous to go alone because she is afraid of being exposed/humiliated/embarrassed. It seems this an attempt to keep her from feeling that intense BPD emotional pain. I would imagine she would stop going after 1 or 2 weekends because it will be too much.

I am glad to hear though things are working out in your new place with your fiance.

mamachelle

[DreamGirl]

Sorry you are having such a hard time.

 We are all getting worn down by the attempts by my ex to re-insert herself in our lives.  Hope she gets a new boyfriend soon and loses interest in us!

I think this is the hardest part of it - we tend to get attached to what's going to make our life easier. I, too, like when the BPDMama of my stepkids lives with a boyfriend/husband because that situation helps her financially and her stress levels are minimized. If we get too attached though, we don't have the skills when they aren't contributing in making our life very easy.

A pwBPD tends to struggle in boundaries and a lot of the time WE struggle in setting them without causing a whole barrage of conflict. What boundary(s) is she specifically busting? Is it mostly regarding communication?

[Suzn]

S9 diagnosed with bipolar, was in psych hospital twice this past year, RTC for 4 months, and now a therapeutic boarding school.

If my son manages to learn to control his emotions at his boarding school, he is welcome to join the rest of us. 

Your son is 9 and is bipolar. Can you help me understand this last sentence?

[ProfDaddy]

I'll answer two questions here.  First, almost all of the boundary crossing is related to communication.  Second, S9 has shown extreme problems with rage, self-harm, SI, since age 3.5.  Has been hospitalized 4 times, lots of diagnoses thrown around, including bipolar as latest. Impossible to manage at home to keep him and his sister safe.  So, he's at a therapeutic boarding school this year -- I have exhausted resources available in my town to help him. 

[scraps66]

I'VE HAD THIS SAME THING ESCALATING OVER THE LAST FEW MONTHS - the carrying bags to the car.  I don't think this coincidental, this also started around tax time, the time wehn my ex, for the third year in a row, filed her retrun claiming both children and all of the daycare expenses.  I pay 65%.  I told her about it in an e-mail.  My feeling is that she was tryig to get in close proximity for me to engage her and give her the opportunity to falsify some sort of assault.  I am in the process of modifying my Order to require drops offs be at the curb and with ex nowhere to be seen.

[ProfDaddy]

We have finally enjoyed a month of peace -- minimal contact at dropoff / pickup, child support checks sent by mail, very brief emails about parenting business.  However, ex is undermining efforts by myself and my fiancee to help D12 develop maturity and responsibility.  We send her chore chart, they do fill it out together, which is good.  However... .

1) They shop for needless junk every weekend they are together.  We avoid shopping as much as possible.  We are trying to teach D12 that quality time and love are about the things we do together, love is not about material goods.  And, D12 comes home with a bit more cheap junk every weekend they are together; needless clutter.

2) Late bedtimes and sleepovers.  We have put a hold on sleepovers; D12 hasn't shown enough responsibility to earn them.  Also she gets bad "sleepover hangover" and is often grumpy, lethargic, and irresponsible for days afterwards, due to being very tired.   We have redirected D12 to spend time during the day for a playdate instead of a sleepover.  Ex is not respecting that boundary.  D12 knows she can't have sleepovers but asks for them at her mom's place.

3) Sharing too much.  Sounds like ex is talking too much about us to D12.  :)12 made comments about "Mommy says you wont talk to her."  Of course I won't talk to ex, but that's not D12's business.

So, my question for y'all is how do I communicate these limits to ex without opening the door again?  Her history is nasty retorts about me trying to micro-manage her life, lots of defensive and offensive statements, and then increased contact once the door is open.  

My fiancee and I are thinking that a brief email before their weekends together, with a few points about how D12 is doing this week, bedtime reminders, and limits we have in our household -- asking ex to help with consistency to benefit D12.  I don't want that to get out of hand into either a defensive conversation about ex's parenting skills or a conversation teaching the ex how to parent.  

Bottom line, does anyone think that in once again establishing boundaries with BPDex, have I cut comunication down too much -- to the point that parenting boundaries are not being shared?  

Your thoughts?

[david]

My xBPDw left in 2007. Our boys were 4.5 and 8 at the time. Things were chaotic to say the least. ONce I established boundaries that worked for our boys and me things got better. A few months later things would be tested. I stayed focused and didn't let it phase me. This has been going on for three years now with occasional boundary testing. I only communicate through email. Ex actually started calling me from various phone numbers so I stopped answering my phone. I had about 6 numbers in my phone since she oftentimes left a voicemail so I knew who the number was from. We are not allowed ( according to court order) to approach the others vehicle. I have a video camera with me and when she approached I made sure she seen me turn it on. She approached three more times since then and has stopped.

I was arrested and put in jail for a false allegation so I need to protect myself.

If the boundaries make sense and help then stick with them.

You can not get ex to do what you want and don't even try. I have found that ignoring her attempts to cause chaos eventually quiets things down after a while. My ex spends, spends, spends. She makes 6 figures and has no money saved. She doesn't buy the kids much but they see what she is doing. They talk to me about it. I listen and validate their perceptions.

EX refuses to give S14 keys to her place. He has keys to my place since he is responsible. IN fact, just late weekend my neighbor aseked if he could look in on their dog for the weekend. They gave him a set of keys and he fed, walked, etc for the weekend. He apparently said to them that it was funny that they trusted him with keys yet his mom will  not let him have keys to her place. She has primary custody. The neighbor mentioned it to me and that is how I found out.

My communication sticks to pick up times, scheduling, etc. I stopped trying to co parent a while ago. I was concerned in the beginning but things have worked better then I imagined. The boys really stepped it up on their part for being responsible.