Stay, or Leave for the umpteenth time, for good ?

[frustrated b/f]

I came across this forum while searching for solutions in dealing with a 44 y.o long term g/f that blatantly refuses to communicate her feelings. Her reasoning, she doesn’t want to burden me with her problems, however, her inability to deal with more than one issue at a time ultimately burdens us in the long-run. She rarely opens up about her feelings, even if she suspects something is happening (even if not true), her reasoning is; you should already know what you’re doing to her and correct the problem!

I ultimately came across Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) symptoms a few years ago while searching the net for similar situations to mine. (turning feelings into facts) I wholeheartedly believe my s/o suffers from BPD, however, she rejected my research and observations and will not admit to having any personality issues beyond her failure (refusal) to communicate.  She denies that anything traumatic ever happened to her growing up. She constantly tries to pass off her erratic behavior as normal, and everyone else with the problem. Her idiosyncrasies are passed off as normalcy.

Long story short – we met five years ago while she was still married, carried an on/off relationship during that time, and finally moved in together shortly before (2 months) her divorce. I moved in with her (non-marital rented home) after reconciling again from a 4 month break, and everything seemed absolutely perfect for the first two months!  We talked, we planned, we began to act like a family with her two daughters (9 & 10) and my twin boys (13 y.o.’s). However, soon after, I discovered she never ever told her husband about our relationship! Understandably, he was very upset to learn that his daughters were cohabitating with a strange man and did whatever he could to prevent us from behaving like a family. All of sudden, the girls weren’t allowed to interact with us very much. At the same time, I noticed my S/O’s behavior changed rapidly; seemingly insignificant issues became major obstacles and she even questioned whether she wanted to be with me. Fights ensued, threats to “get out of my house” followed.  Extremely frustrated, I began to make arrangements to move back out. By this time I’d given up everything (most of my household possessions) to move in with her. Subsequently, once she discovered I was moving out, she pleaded to work on things and even suggested counseling. I stayed, lost my earnest money, and soon after, the mountains out of mole-hills began popping up again. The lease eventually ended, and I moved out on my own again. I explained to her that my livelihood is very important to me and I cannot have it jeopardized over insignificant events. 

After repeated closure conversations, and another disappearing pregnancy scare and fast-forward; six months later, we live in separate homes, living separate lives. I think she understands now that her over-reactions resulting in domestic hostility will not be tolerated by me. The funny part, since I moved out, there has been ZERO unsolvable issues brought up. I think she realizes that all I have to do is go home, or leave her place and it’s over. Before, when she had flare ups, I could do nothing but be miserable. Some of her symptoms that I have identified include:

•   Extreme mood swings,

•   Extreme highs and lows,

•   Feels personally betrayed and violated by others mistakes,

•   Makes the smallest issues into the biggest problems

•   Zero long-term trust

•   Always guilty until overwhelmingly proven innocent

•   Not swayed by facts

•   Only swayed by feelings

•   Turns feelings into facts

•   Adamant that conspiracies are underway to date other people

•   No one is loyal to her, (even though I waited five years to be with her)

I am very frustrated and very angry after investing five years of my life into this relationship and having absolutely nothing to show for it. I was severely depressed a few weeks back about the continued failed state of our relationship. I cannot contemplate how my personal life has become such a failure after having gone through a failed marriage previously. We still hang out, sometimes it’s good, however when its not, I do not come around. I have to specifically ask her for things that a normal 5 year relationship couple would do anyway. At the time I moved out, I lost my job and struggled desperately while finishing my last year of law school. She never offered to help, never asked if I was okay, and when I did specifically ask for help, it was usually a one-of situation without any follow up.

Half of me wants to cut my losses and move on, the other half feels so vested after losing five years of my life in my thirties (she’s 8 years older than me) that I feel like I have to make it work! She’s the only women my boys have seen me with besides their mother, however their relationship is not overly great. Their mom is basically dying of stage 4 cancer and my S/O has not even once communicated about her condition. I often find myself reminding her about my needs, and I’m very frustrated because of it. Quite frankly, my needs aren’t being met and I have communicated this to her, however nothing changes.

In conclusion, many posts talk about making it work with a BPD S/O, however, my question is, why? If the person refuses to acknowledge their issues, how likely is it that they’ll change? Especially if there is no marriage, kids, or anything else together, should one continue? My parents have been married for 43 years and I would really like to have what they have however, I know it comes from hard work, but I feel like the burden is all on me. I don’t want to be with someone who does not match my effort.

[frustrated b/f]

I feel like I should ad that I have virtually lost everything while involved with this women. She made promises that I relied on to my financial detriment that never materialized. Her divorce took years, and I patiently waited, all while hemorrhaging my own assets. By the time I moved out in Jan 13' I was unemployed, bankrupt, and had to pawn in personal items to live and pay tuition. It seemed like every vulnerability I had, she somehow found a way to exploit it. She'd promise things were okay when I got laid off, that I could focus on my last year of grad-school. As soon as I relied on that re-occurring promise, the insurmountable problems would arise. Its not the first time either, happened my first semester of law school as well. My grades suffered as a result :=(

[MammaMia]

Frustrated

Welcome to the BPD Family Website.

It sounds like the relationship with your SO may involve udBPD.  She fits many of the criteria based on your assessment. 

You have been through a lot together, and while no one can predict the future,  from what you have said, the chances she will change are slim.  If she has BPD, this is who she is.  Your commitment to the relationship will need to be huge.

Only you can decide what is right.  You have many irons in the fire right now

with this relationship, law school, financial concerns, her children and ex-spouse.

I guess the age-old question is "are you better off with or without her?"

What does this woman bring to your relationship?  Is she a real partner?  It sounds like she has relied on you to take care of her.  Is this similar to what you know of her marriage?   Of course, she will only share her interpretation of it, which may or may not be honest.  Does she contribute financially or emotionally to your needs?

I hope you have had a chance to review some of the educational material offered here about BPD relationships.  They may prove very helpful in answering your questions about this disorder and the ramifications of loving someone who suffers from it. 

We are glad you are here, and we are ready, willing and able to help. 

[frustrated b/f]

Hi Mammamia, and thanks for the welcome and input.

She is supportive financially, however not emotionally. To be blatantly honest, her access to financial resources has been one of things that has held me back while in school. I was afraid of hitting a financial rock bottom with no one there for me. However, unfortunately, it happened anyway while I was with someone. Strange, I know.

I honestly don't know if I'm better off without her because so many bad things have happened lately when I tried to leave. It's like the timing is always off.

Its funny you mention, Real Partner, because she is definitely NOT a team player. We live completely separate lives, her life's problems & blessings are hers, and the same for me.

I did not financially take care of her. Her ex-husband provided for her, and now pays a healthy amount of spousal support. I do admit that I enjoyed the abundance of resources when they were available both while she was married and divorced.

I know I am not without blame for my continued relationship with her. In fact, I questioned whether her behavior and the state of our relationship was actually punishment by God for the sins I committed and my own desires for a shortcut to better lifestyle. I know God does not punish people, but maybe its Karma, maybe I'm reaping what I sow?

Deep down, I know these thoughts are from lack of self-confidence and esteem, however they're hard to shake. Sad part, I used to be the most confident strident alpha male there was, probably borderline narcissistic, however now, I have deeply questioned the choices I've made to end up in this position five years after meeting someone

[Saffron2]

In conclusion, many posts talk about making it work with a BPD S/O, however, my question is, why? If the person refuses to acknowledge their issues, how likely is it that they’ll change? Especially if there is no marriage, kids, or anything else together, should one continue? My parents have been married for 43 years and I would really like to have what they have however, I know it comes from hard work, but I feel like the burden is all on me. I don’t want to be with someone who does not match my effort.

I'm 10 years into a marriage with what I know now is an NPD man - we have 3 kids and all of our assets are tied together. I have been growing increasingly tired of carrying the weight of this so-called relationship and have asked myself similar questions. After much thought I can honestly say that if I was financially stable on my own and didn't have kids, I would cut my losses and walk because things are not good, and when I look into my future I see nothing but more of the same. If he was willing to see a therapist and work on himself, I would be saying something entirely different. 

In my opinion there's not much hope for a person to change when the person doesn't actually desire change, or even if they do and aren't able/willing to put in the work, change still will not occur.  Take this with a grain of salt because I am new here, but I think it's a matter of accepting them as they are, then probably accepting that we will always have to do the bulk of the work if we want to stay in a relationship with them. Expecting them to reciprocate our efforts kind of feels like a set up for disappointment and frustration. 

The choice is tough, and there are many variables that may play into your decision, but ultimately it is your decision. We will support you either way you go.

[frustrated b/f]

Thanks for the input guys. I know it's a decision only I can make. Seems like I've made it so many times before, but nothing has changed, and I think I know what I need to do.