Does my situation have any hope?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I could really use some help and support on deciding what to do here. I REALLY think I want to stay... . but I just have about zero faith that things can/will change... please help!

I met my BF about a year and a half ago, did not have the opportunity to date him until several months later. I took things slow because I have been burned before in the past... . he swept me off my feet. He was irresistible, sweet, charming, fabulous conversation, caring, affectionate, etc... everything I had ever wanted although I can say there were multiple red flags during this time-pressure for commitment, talk of him being needy/depressed/sad, etc... . but I glossed over it because there were so many good things.  The cycles started early on... apparently he would freak out about things (closeness, attachment) or I would do something in his mind that was "against him" (even when it wasn't) and he would dump me, only to come back a couple of days later. Most of the time these dumping cycles came out of the blue-when things were great, we came off of a great date, great weekend... . things could even be fine in the morning and he is done with me by lunch. I could never "get it". I felt like I was everything he wanted and needed-had a history of horrible relationships and I treated him like gold. He made me feel like a princess and because of the way I felt during the times we were together, I stayed on in hopes that things would change.

Things took a major turn for the worse once we got engaged. I believe he asked me impulsively and then quickly changed his mind. A week after he asked me, he messaged me that he was having bad thoughts and then a week later, broke it off via text message and that was that. I gave him the ring back and his lack of emotion during that time was really strange to me... I was crushed and a mess... he was expressionless/detached/distant. I was completely and totally devastated. At this point I realized there was more going on and my counselor urged me to read up on BPD and without a doubt, he matches the criteria to a T.

Since then, it has been a complete roller coaster with major ups and downs with a fairly predictable pattern. We will get together, have an amazing time, get close, he will promise he wants a future, etc... and then as soon as I leave or he drops me off, he pretty  much "panics" and goes into a "dark" phase where he totally shuts down, ignores me, sometimes paints me black,  then eventually dumps me. I think the longest we have went without one of these recycling phases is 2 weeks. In fact in the past 9 months, I can count 30+ cycles of break up/dump/make up.  It is emotionally exhausting and painful beyond measure.  I don't know how someone can go from a weekend of talking marriage, babies, houses, etc... then less than 12 hours later do this major change, withdraw, ignore and then eventually break it off. Only to do it all over again. Sometimes it happens more than once in a week.

A few times the break ups have been nasty-he has looked for things that I have done (when I have truly done nothing), turned mountains into molehills, then rip me apart and finally dump me.  I guess that is how he justifies it in his mind. Those few cycles of that breakup were terrible and very painful. He has told me before that he will withdraw from me, cut me off, etc... to punish me-and punish me for things like going out with my friends sad

Recently I had hope because he began counseling, however it does not seem to be helping whatsoever. Right now I am in that limbo stage of being ignored all week and ready for the other shoe to drop tomorrow (likely around lunch time)

I hold out hope because I really believe he will change, that his words will come to fruition (they NEVER do) and we will live our happy life together... with the amazing man I fell in love with (well amazing the 25% of the time he is actually into me and not shutting me out and cutting me off)

I am lost, emotionally drained, sad and feel rejected. I treat him like gold, I would do anything for him,  why does he reject me like this? He tells me he wants me, wants us, etc... but that he is afraid I eventually will not want him or he will lose me. Says he has never had any one care for him/love him like me and he is afraid to lose it so he pushes me away.  I don't believe he is intentionally trying to hurt me, but I am hurt constantly and feel constantly rejected. So painful to text him and get absolutely no response... yet days before he wanted to marry me. sad


I don't know where to go, what to do. Is this situation hopeless?

[sadinnc98]

I could really use some help and support on deciding what to do here. I REALLY think I want to stay... . but I just have about zero faith that things can/will change... please help!

I met my BF about a year and a half ago, did not have the opportunity to date him until several months later. I took things slow because I have been burned before in the past... . he swept me off my feet. He was irresistible, sweet, charming, fabulous conversation, caring, affectionate, etc... everything I had ever wanted although I can say there were multiple red flags during this time-pressure for commitment, talk of him being needy/depressed/sad, etc... . but I glossed over it because there were so many good things.  The cycles started early on... apparently he would freak out about things (closeness, attachment) or I would do something in his mind that was "against him" (even when it wasn't) and he would dump me, only to come back a couple of days later. Most of the time these dumping cycles came out of the blue-when things were great, we came off of a great date, great weekend... . things could even be fine in the morning and he is done with me by lunch. I could never "get it". I felt like I was everything he wanted and needed-had a history of horrible relationships and I treated him like gold. He made me feel like a princess and because of the way I felt during the times we were together, I stayed on in hopes that things would change.

Things took a major turn for the worse once we got engaged. I believe he asked me impulsively and then quickly changed his mind. A week after he asked me, he messaged me that he was having bad thoughts and then a week later, broke it off via text message and that was that. I gave him the ring back and his lack of emotion during that time was really strange to me... I was crushed and a mess... he was expressionless/detached/distant. I was completely and totally devastated. At this point I realized there was more going on and my counselor urged me to read up on BPD and without a doubt, he matches the criteria to a T.

Since then, it has been a complete roller coaster with major ups and downs with a fairly predictable pattern. We will get together, have an amazing time, get close, he will promise he wants a future, etc... and then as soon as I leave or he drops me off, he pretty  much "panics" and goes into a "dark" phase where he totally shuts down, ignores me, sometimes paints me black,  then eventually dumps me. I think the longest we have went without one of these recycling phases is 2 weeks. In fact in the past 9 months, I can count 30+ cycles of break up/dump/make up.  It is emotionally exhausting and painful beyond measure.  I don't know how someone can go from a weekend of talking marriage, babies, houses, etc... then less than 12 hours later do this major change, withdraw, ignore and then eventually break it off. Only to do it all over again. Sometimes it happens more than once in a week.

A few times the break ups have been nasty-he has looked for things that I have done (when I have truly done nothing), turned mountains into molehills, then rip me apart and finally dump me.  I guess that is how he justifies it in his mind. Those few cycles of that breakup were terrible and very painful. He has told me before that he will withdraw from me, cut me off, etc... to punish me-and punish me for things like going out with my friends sad

Recently I had hope because he began counseling, however it does not seem to be helping whatsoever. Right now I am in that limbo stage of being ignored all week and ready for the other shoe to drop tomorrow (likely around lunch time)

I hold out hope because I really believe he will change, that his words will come to fruition (they NEVER do) and we will live our happy life together... with the amazing man I fell in love with (well amazing the 25% of the time he is actually into me and not shutting me out and cutting me off)

I am lost, emotionally drained, sad and feel rejected. I treat him like gold, I would do anything for him,  why does he reject me like this? He tells me he wants me, wants us, etc... but that he is afraid I eventually will not want him or he will lose me. Says he has never had any one care for him/love him like me and he is afraid to lose it so he pushes me away.  I don't believe he is intentionally trying to hurt me, but I am hurt constantly and feel constantly rejected. So painful to text him and get absolutely no response... yet days before he wanted to marry me. sad


I don't know where to go, what to do. Is this situation hopeless?

[momtara]

Well, not hopeless, but you should really take things slow and give yourself enough time to be okay with whatever happens.  He may show more of his bad side and you'll realize you can't stand it anymore, and you'll be relieved you didn't marry him.  Or you may find out what you can handle and what you can't. 

BPD cycles are hard to change.  You have to consider that the same thing may have happened in his other relationships, and his claims that they didn't treat him well are possibly not true.

At the end, you have asked why.  It is a mental illness.  It doens't conform to normal rules and it won't always make sense.  Part of him does love you a lot.  And part of him is wacky.  You may just have to be glad for the good parts but realize that it's hard to walk on eggshells and you deserve a realtionship where you can breathe and anticipate things.

Many people with a personality disorder get worse after marriage, because they know they can get away with it.  And having kids -even worse.  So you may just want to figure out what you really want.

It's quite common for folks like him to sweep you off your feet.  That's the good side that hooks us.

It takes a lot for folks with BPD to change because it's hard to understand that your thoughts & impulses are wrong.  Maybe you need to tell the therapist what really goes on.  Your bf probably doesn't tell the whole truth, or even understand it.

[sadinnc98]

Thank you for the advice. I don't see his therapist (have my own) so I am not able to communicate with his, although I wish I could!

I am sitting here waiting today for the other shoe to drop, its horrible to live like this. I have been pretty much ignored for 5 days and Fridays are common for the breakup that comes after the silence. I keep trying to move about my day as normally as I can, but it is SO hard to do that.

[momtara]

That's really rough.  You deserve better than that.  It's emotional abuse.  My husband actually got a little better in counseling when I could bring up really specific examples of things he did.  But there were always other things that were hard to deal with.

Love him all you want - it's hard not to - but know your limit to how badly you should be treated, even if it's only some of the time.  I hated waiting for that shoe to drop.  It was very lonely and isolating.  it's not a good way to live.  Maybe you need more time to think about what you want to do, but realize that you deserve stability and someone who gives normal reactions to things.

((hug))

[Surnia]

Hi sadinnc98

So sorry to hear about your difficult rs! 

Many here are going through this kind of Off-On relationship which is really hard to bear. Its often part of being with someone suffering from BPD.

Do you know this workshop?

US: "Relationship Recycling" - What is it?

About hope: Its a long way to recovery. Someone has to follow the right treatment and it needs a lot of time and consistence.

Good you have a T for your own!

[sadinnc98]

I am pretty sure he is cheating on me tonight... . I am prepared to take a look and see (friend is driving me)... I am nervous as hell as to what I might see and how I will react. I will not immediately confront... . Ill have to come back here and figure out what to. 

[momtara]

Hang in there.  Don't do anything rash.  As hard as it is, stay calm and take time to figure out what you have to and want to do.  Just realize it's not you - it's a disease.  Whether he can control the behavior or not, you deserve better.

[sadinnc98]

I decided to just sit back and not mess with it last night. He is still in a down/ignoring phase. I hate this part of it. I never know what to do. I try to act normal and text like I normally would (well less) but its painful to get no reply.  You are right, it IS a disease. I feel like the ignoring should be a boundary, but I dont know how to set it and I feel weird enforcing it when someone is "down". This is all hard for me to process.

[Surnia]

I decided to just sit back and not mess with it last night.

  You handled it quite mature IMHO.

I can relate about the silence, it is hard and it hurts. 

And there is no tool against - some can handle it and learn to just focus on other things, other cannot handle it.

For me the ongoing silent treatment was on of the things which made it easier for leaving - it was too incriminatory.

[sadinnc98]

Today I have tried to move about my day but every time I hear a text come through, I get excited... but then it is not him and its like a jab   I wish I could understand... he wanted to marry me last week, move in, etc... then a complete 180.

[momtara]

I have felt that way about texts.  And these days I hate hearing them because I know he is harassing me. 

He will probably come back around again... . but that doesn't mean it's good.

[Surnia]

I wish I could understand... he wanted to marry me last week, move in, etc... then a complete 180.

This is part of the mental illness, the lack of consistence in a relationship.

The only thing you can do is focus on yourself. Short term - what can you do that you are not to much waiting... . like doing interesting things.

And longer term, is this the rs you want?

Do you know the Lessons here on Undecided? Here on the right side ------->

 

[Viso]

I am not discouraging you but really take the time to see if you are able to handle his BPD up n down cycles. Be prepared that if you do get married, it will get worst and with kids even worst. That's what is happening to me right now. our relationship has always been a roller coaster ride but now it has flown off track. All along he is convinced that I am the one with mental illness and that i am 100% at fault for everything that has happened. He will be upset that I care for the kids more than him. He will say it is my fault that the kids cling to me more than him. He always makes me admit to things he thinks I have in my mind and when I refuse to, he would break out. And there will be no peace until I give in. Now he suddenly decided he has given up on me and that he will only answer me like normal when someone is around. When we are alone, he doesn't respond at all. He said this is how it will be for the rest of our lives. You, yourself must have a strong mentor because he will say things that really hurts u and even throw u into depression.

Everyone including the counsellor tells me to leave him because he is just mentally abusing me. As much as I tell you how tough and unrealistic it is to go on with a BPD partner, I am staying here because I still love him very much. Despite the fact that I am always walking on eggshells and devastated whenever he flips, I am not ready to let go of him. I really hope one day he is willing to accept that he has BPD and willing to seek help. Otherwise the cycle will just continue until the day I die.

Whatever u decide to do, I will fully support ya! 

[Aussie0zborn]

It would be good if you could go to the therapist with him. I doubt that he is being honest with the therapist or even knows why he is there.

Perhaps with a diagnosis and treatment it could work for you.  If he can control his illness  that would be great - if it can't be controlled i would think you have little hope of having a happy life with him.

If I compare my relationship with a BPD to relationships with pleasant happy ladies, I can think of two long term relationships I have had that were happy with absolutely zero arguments or disagreements - and we never once yelled at each other. I wonder where they are now?

[sadinnc98]

Thanks for the support! I have a feeling he is not being honest with his counselor AND he told me on Saturday he didn't know if he was going to continue going... . I am a beyond patient person, etc... but this has pushed me. I feel so unloved, rejected, uncared for, etc... this relationship is ALWAYS on his terms... . I am just waiting for him to finally just "let me go" once more... I am sure it is coming.

[Viso]

 

Treat yourself well! That's rule #1

It's always hard to let go but knowing your limit will lead you to success!