Anybody experience this?

[max101]

So as I have written in my intro post I have been with my uBPDgf for three years now. We don't live together as she is still at uni but we spend a lot of time together.

Anyway, I wanted to check something with you people and the best way to label the topic would be "The world of stupid questions".

Now, I am a man that loves simplicity, fun and relaxation but when you get questions like these and note they often appear at inappropriate times (at 3 a.m., at church, during lunch with her parents but in whispers and so on) it is hard to stay sane.

Here are some examples over the years:

- Did you look at your ex gf's vagina?

- What positions did you use with her?

- Did you take her to this restaurant, bar as well?

- Did you also give her compliments and if yes, why, wasn't she a whore?

- Did you like her underwear?

- How could you have sex with her if you didn't love her as much as you love me?

- Did you have nicknames for her and were they the same as for me?

- Why do you sneeze (I have allergies so I have no response for this question)

- Why do you sneeze so loudly (What the heck?)

- Why does your mother treat me like dirt? (unless my mom becomes the devil during my visit to the toilette something is weird here)

- If you love me shouldn't you let me "try" some more guy's as I am inexperienced and then let me come back to you?

- Would you forgive me if I cheated? (when I sad No she got extremely pissed)

- Did you look at her eyes the way you look at mine?

- Why don't you stop sweating?

- Why aren't you romantic like at the beginning (hahahahahahah... . a day after giving her flowers out of the blue)

- Why don't you earn more? (Sorry I live in the Balkans)

- Why don't you take me to expensive dinners and vacations? (hmmmm, cause I can't sell my organs since I need them)

- Why do you have a hitty car? (ok, I don't get this honestly)

- Why is your family not more grateful that I am with you?

- If we broke would you always be available for me, at any time of day and night?

- If you got married with someone else would you cheat on her with me? (again, saying no got her quite pissed)

AND my all time favorite: Why don't you help me around the house when you sleep over?

The fun part is that she says it after I spent 2 hours cleaning her house!

So this is my list, I would love to know if anyone has had similar experiences. There are many more of these questions but these were some of my favorites and were always met by corresponding threats, rages and anger depending on my responses.

I did discover that sarcasm was out of the questions, walking away from such conversations did not work as she would follow me and scream so now I usually respond and try to remain calm but she picks up on this and says I am obviously  lying.

Please share your experiences

[popeye6031]

Hi Max,

And here I thought I had it bad with inappropriate questions.  My uBPDgf  hates the mention or anything that reminds her that I even had ex-gf's.  So she would never just come out with questions actually referring to her.  And the rest of the questions just sound like a means to keep you down.  How haev you managed to stay for 3 years.  Unless my gf is in a mood or rage and having a go at me, her comments are not negative.  But your gf seems to just ask questions to put you down, whether she is in a bad mood or not.

Are you willing to put up with the behaviour, and possibly worse, in the future?  If 3 years in and this type of questioning and behaviour is still going on, it is never going to stop.

[max101]

I guess your question can be given to the majority of the people on these Boards - Maybe I am crazy, overly in love or maybe even stupid . I have no idea how I have managed, it's a periodic thing and sometimes she doesn't do it for days or even weeks but then goes crazy again. When she is good she is actually amazing.

But I keep living in denial most of the time and I am now on the verge of running away because I fear what marriage would be like honestly.

For a last try I suggested therapy because of the toxic fighting, she agreed but I feel like when we get there she will spin the whole thing to make me look like the devil

[popeye6031]

Yes, you are right.  That question can be put to most people here inclduing myself.  And like you, I have thought myself crazy for sticking around but then I also have the same situation where "when she is good she is actualyl amazing".  And that is what keeps us hooked, always thinking of the good times together and overlooking the equal (or more) amout of time spent int eh bad times. 

I think for most it is probably leaning towards more time spent in the bad because as much time as there might be spent soaking up the praise, admiration, kindness, love and sweetness, we are all on edge worrying what we might do or say to set them off. Or get bogged down with the emotional conversations we get dragged into about how much we love them or promising never to cheat or talk to other girls (or whatever other crazy double standards that come to mind).

You mentioned the fear of marriage and I too have thought about that a lot in the last few months.  I love my gf very much but I am very worried about us getting married and fear it will get worse 

What will it take yourself to finally send you over the edge as it sounds like you are nearly there?

[max101]

Exactly! I get so drained from all the conversations that have no purpose and all the fears and accusation that "I don't love her".

Honestly, recently she has increased the yelling and hitting/slapping, I have told her to stop but then she starts pretend crying or if I yell out of anger for being hit she says I scare her with my violent reactions - projection at it's finest.

I fear the next time she hits me I will just walk away and never call back, respond to text messages or emails, simply disappear.

That would be selfish but I am exhausted from all the effort to make her constantly happy and validated, what about me, don't I deserve some effort, what about my feelings. I quit a job in a top company in my sector because she felt I wasn't spending enough time with her because of the long hours.

It just dawned on me, I am pathetic.

[popeye6031]

Don't beat yourself up too much buddy. As you can see there are many people here in this situation.  And some past experience in our lives has made us have some sort of dependency on a relationship of this nature.

It does not sound good that things have gotten worse with the abuse.  I have not faced a big amount of physical abuse but sounds like you are getting it frequently.  I feel for you man as I thought the questions were bad enough for you but with this on top of it, it sounds like you are not having an easy time at all.

Don't consider yourself selfish if you were to walk away as it is not your job to fix her.  Only she can do that and, even if she were to admit she had a problem, it is likely years before any behaviour improvements will be seen.

I am assuming you are engaged?  Any chance the abuse stepped up a notch soon after that?

Sounds like you have sacrificed enough already for this girl.  About time you start thinking of yourself. 

If you were to decide to stay there are helpful things to do on other boards here but you need to decide if you are willing to live the rest of your life making the sacrifices.

[papawapa]

If you want the hitting to stop then you have to set the boundary by walking away. Arrange to have a place to go and keep a bag packed in your trunk. If she gets violent, you leave. Ignore her for awhile and let her throw a tantrum. Once she calms down you can return. It might take a few times and she may really act out, maybe even cheat on you, but being firm and creating a strong boundary is the only way you can make her stop.

[O.Hi]

Hey man, you aren't pathetic at all. You've been receiving emotional (and physical!) abuse, and it takes a real toll. Have you seen a therapist on your own? A good one can really help you put this stuff in perspective and make it easier to rebuild your self esteem.

I could have very easily written this sentence myself:

"I get so drained from all the conversations that have no purpose and all the fears and accusation that 'I don't love her'."

That's the thing that blows me away about this community. So many people's relationships are shockingly similar to the one I have.

[dotSlash]

Very similar list for me:

- who did you date before me, and were they as good at [sexual act]?

- Did you love her as much as you love me?

- Why do your parents hate me? (they do nothing but say how sweet she is when she's over)

- Maybe we should take a break, get more experience with other people, then get back together

- Would you forgive me if I cheated?

- Why don't we talk anymore like we used to? (this question being asked right after we just spent 2 hours on the phone)

- Will you stay with me forever? Promise?

AND my all time favorite:

- Why don't you treat me to anything? Isn't that what the guy is supposed to do?

(I paid for everything on our date this week - for someone with loans that is quite a lot)

[GreenMango]

- Did you look at your ex gf's vagina?

- What positions did you use with her?

- Did you take her to this restaurant, bar as well?

- Did you also give her compliments and if yes, why, wasn't she a whore?

- Did you like her underwear?

- How could you have sex with her if you didn't love her as much as you love me?

- Did you have nicknames for her and were they the same as for me?

- Why do you sneeze (I have allergies so I have no response for this question)

- Why do you sneeze so loudly (What the heck?)

- Why does your mother treat me like dirt? (unless my mom becomes the devil during my visit to the toilette something is weird here)

- If you love me shouldn't you let me "try" some more guy's as I am inexperienced and then let me come back to you?

- Would you forgive me if I cheated? (when I sad No she got extremely pissed)

- Did you look at her eyes the way you look at mine?

- Why don't you stop sweating?

- Why aren't you romantic like at the beginning (hahahahahahah... . a day after giving her flowers out of the blue)

- Why don't you earn more? (Sorry I live in the Balkans)

- Why don't you take me to expensive dinners and vacations? (hmmmm, cause I can't sell my organs since I need them)

- Why do you have a hitty car? (ok, I don't get this honestly)

- Why is your family not more grateful that I am with you?

- If we broke would you always be available for me, at any time of day and night?

- If you got married with someone else would you cheat on her with me? (again, saying no got her quite pissed)

At the heart of these inappropriate questions is an extremely insecure person.  Do you see the questions regarding other partners and sex as query into her probing the threat level?  The questions about cheating are about unconditional love and togetherness?

Are they inappropriate - yes.  Do they speak to her fears - yes.

People with BPD struggle with insecurity around self worth and abandonment to an extreme.  This is hard to deal with in a partner.  She has major fears.

Some tools and tips from people staying in a relationship mention that validation and SET work well with these strange questions.

Have you read some of the staying board lessons?

[max101]

Hello to all,

all of your stories show shockingly similar patterns of behavior and madness. I don't live with my girl so I can walk away when this happens but something is stopping me, probably that dumb little "savior" hidden in me that makes me feel like I need to be helping her.

I have looked through the forums and techniques such as validation but I am not convinced yet in their effectiveness. Naturally I am a very loving and calm person, this is not me egotistical opinion but something numerous people have told me over the years.

It takes a lot to provoke me but when I get to the edge then obviously I raise my voice but without yelling, this is however enough to accuse me of being violent and then she gets what she wants.

Recently I have been trying extra hard to remain calm and use "I" sentences, acknowledge her feelings. It does work at times depending on how "serious" the issue is but often she says that it's some sort of manipulation from my part to make her look crazy and that I am "fake-calm".

I realize the purpose of these techniques but to me it seem like at the core of all of these is the constant effort to make them happy and to watch out that they do not feel they are provoked but ignoring our own feelings/needs. In essence using these techniques is like trying to stop a forest fire with a glass of water (sorry, sounds better in my language), you kind of calm it down but it's  a matter of time before it spreads again.

[dotSlash]

Hey max,

I too have experienced those things. I never raise my voice and simply defending myself or saying "you're not being reasonable" gets me accused of being "manipulative" or "a hiting ass". You're not alone buddy. I am personally thinking today I am going to say some very strong words about how this kind of disrespect and brutal treatment is just not cool. If she continues it, I'm out

[GreenMango]

You bring up a good point about walking on eggshells.   It's a crappy feeling.

Part of the SET routine is to communicate - show empathy, acknowledge that you hear them and maintain the truth part.   It doesn't always mean the other person is going to like it.  Sometimes nothing works and that's when letting them deal with the emotional part comes in.  Not trying to make it all better, but also not trying to unnecessarily provoke the person. 

Part of it is letting go of fixing their atttude or trying to get them to see eye to eye with us.  They are going to believe whatever they want while they are upset. 

A lot of it has to do with our boundaries or lack of them.  What we've allowed for a long time setting up a pattern for what's acceptable.

Have you read the workshop on boundaries?  Somethings are dealbreakers and other things a bit of radical acceptance helps.  It's all in what you can accept.

[Cipher13]

I have not had the exact same eperience with questions like that. Did you start to see these early in the relationship or latter on? If I could have known half of what I know now before I got married I would not have gotten married. That being said it is partly why I do not have kids. 

I knew this were off in the begining but I was ver naive to them. If at any time there would have been any physiscal abuse I maybe just maybe would have opened my eyes and mind sooner.  By the time i realized that this was a probelm I was in deep and being the pasive "soother" I can make you feel happier by doing this for you type person that was stuck. 10 years into my marriage I found this place and had a name for this... BPD. It has helped... . some. I have a lot mor eot go as I am on the fence to stay or go. 

[maxsterling]

Most of the questions I get from my current girlfriend are of the  "what are you doing?" type.  I can't go 10 minutes or pick up and do anything without her asking that.  And she frequently asks "do you understand?" when she is telling me a story.  And if I don't respond, she asks again. 

I had an ex girlfriend, likely BPD, but probably more NPD that asked weird questions especially regarding sex.  She was convinced I had another girlfriend, whom she had seen in a "vision".  And she would ask questions regarding this "other girlfriend".

"Were you visiting your other girlfriend today?"

":)o you always use a condom when you have sex with your other girlfriend?"

I think with my current girlfriend I think it has to do with insecurity and needing validation.  With my ex - who knows - she at times would tell me I should be sleeping around behind her back.  She was a 30 year pothead, and sometimes it just seemed like she was living in a different universe. 

[Cipher13]

Most of the questions I get from my current girlfriend are of the  "what are you doing?" type.  I can't go 10 minutes or pick up and do anything without her asking that.

I get this all the time to... I mean constantly. If she can't see me and what I am doing she imediately has to know. Also if she is in a different room or our dogs or what ever and there is a noise I can reasanably figure out what is going on. Like if the wind blows a door closed or the neighbor is backing there car out.  I can figure these out without seeing them for myself... She can not. Same for soemthig son TV. She can be watching but sometimes asks whats going on.

Often times she also has said in interviews or other conversations she has to write down exactly what the person said becasue she would beleive the words they are saying to her at first. She make sme do most of the phone calls to cable/cell phone is there are issue because she beleive what they tell her or won't understand it.  That seems comfusing to me because her level of intelegance is very high. Seems liek she doesn't reus twhat her ears are telling her.

[Cloudy Days]

I get both kinds of questions and they sometimes come out of nowhere.

If I am not with him...

Where are you?

Are you at work? (why would I be anywhere else)

Who is with you or who is listening?

What's his name? (referring to the phantom boyfriend that doesn't exist)

Did you go to your Boyfriend's house? ect

I also get the insecure questions

Do you love me?

Do you want me?

Do you want to be married to me?

Am I the only one you love?

Have you been faithful to me?

Are you cheating on me?

Would you tell me if you cheated on me?

Do you want to leave me?

Why do you love me?

I could keep going... .

I must also add that my husband cannot even think about me being with someone else. Even a small mention of someone from my past sends him into a tizzy so he doesn't ask about past lovers. I am an extremely sarcastic person and I also get offended by the more serious questions and accusations. I'm getting better at my reactions but before this website I was pretty miserable.

My husband has actually picked out certain Validation statements and told me he felt closer to me since I said that. I get the Cup of water to put out a forest fire but I see it more along the lines of a hose that could prevent a forest fire at it's start. If you Validate the correct emotion and get through to them that you hear her and understand at least a little it can stop it from spreading. A lot of times they just want you to acknowledge that you hear what they are saying. That they are scared or hurt or upset or afraid of loosing you to someone else. It's not always super hard, it starts to come natural once you keep Validating things. You can even practice on other people, which is where a lot of my practice comes from.

[MammaMia]

Wow.  Who asks these kinds of questions?  Do they REALLY want to know the answers?

Bpd is all about insecurity AND control.  The perfect storm.

[SadWifeofBPD]

A long time ago I told my H that he's not allowed to ask me anything that he's not willing to answer first himself, in writing.

I've also told him that he can't ask me to do something (or not do something) unless he will do (or not do) the same.  He really hasn't been able to argue with those responses.  I do have to remind him from time to time. 

[goldylamont]

A long time ago I told my H that he's not allowed to ask me anything that he's not willing to answer first himself, in writing.

I've also told him that he can't ask me to do something (or not do something) unless he will do (or not do) the same.  He really hasn't been able to argue with those responses.  I do have to remind him from time to time. 

that is such great advice SadWifeofBPD!