Verge of breaking "no contact"

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I've asked her. I'll post the reply.

I've lost the plot.

[Eric1]

I've asked her. I'll post the reply.

I've lost the plot.

[Scout99]

I've asked her. I'll post the reply.

I've lost the plot.

In all likelihood you will not get any clear response to such a question, since in all likelihood she doesn't truly know... . That is the result of having an unstable sense of self... . She doesn't operate on logic or intellectual reflection, but from whatever gives her the most emotional relief from fear of pain... . Therefore she cannot be expected to give you a stable answer to such a question, no matter how desperately you need that answer... .

Loving you won't change the way she is or the way she acts... .

Best Wishes

Scout99

[slimmiller]

It's daft, because we did use to finish each other sentences. We would make the same jokes at the sime time, and be thinking the same things at the same time. I don't think she was mirroring me, i think she was compatible. Obviously, apart from the rages.

Thats very much mirroring. Its part of why we resonate so deeply with someone. This can and does also happen with healthy people, maybe not as intense. BPDs are just very skilled in intensifying it

[Eric1]

Still no reply. I first said "can i ask you a question", which she replied to. I've deleted her number now anyway. I can't be bothered messing about anymore. She knows i still harbour feelings for her, but can yet ring me for an hour chat. I can't do it.

[Eric1]

Question for you.

She's seen the message & it's a simple question "be honest,are you still happy with the break up?"

Why can't just reply, Yes, i am still?

Why would she ignore it? Is it to keep me geussing and thinking about her?

[Scout99]

Question for you.

She's seen the message & it's a simple question "be honest,are you still happy with the break up?"

Why can't just reply, Yes, i am still?

Why would she ignore it? Is it to keep me geussing and thinking about her?

Because to her that is no simple yes or no question... . She has an unstable sense of self... . That means literarily she doesn't know what would make her happy or not. She may think one thing one minute, and the total opposite the next. That is what it means to have an unstable sense of self... . She cannot give you an answer that you can hold her to. since she can't sustain it herself... .

She probably has moments when she misses being with you and others when she feels paralyzed with fear of what being with you will mean, (to her ultimately being abandoned, since she will perceive all r/s's ending and not lasting).

Eric1 my friend, if you want to see yourself in a r/s with this woman, who has this disorder, you will have to come to terms with and accept her for who she is, a person with a serious mental disorder, that effects everything in her life, and especially relationships. I see you over and over again asking for a logically explainable response or course of action from her, and that is futile - since that it not something she can provide you with.

You will have to surrender to the fact that she will respond in accordance with her borderline disorder. That is the only logic to this that you will ever be able to find.

I know you are hurting and pining for this woman, but by not seeing the reality of it, you are setting yourself up for more pain... . She is an expert in avoiding pain, so if nothing else maybe you should learn something from her... . She is not engaging in this conversation with you about your relationships future, because she knows engaging in that will greatly increase the risk of feeling pain... . Therefore she avoids it... . Maybe you should exercise some of that behavior too... . ?  

Best Wishes

Scout99

[Eric1]

This thread is gonna get locked in a minute, but i appreicate the response, Scout.

You are right about her not knowing what she wants. First she wanted to live with me, then she didn't, then she wanted to move to the city, then she wanted to move to the country, then live with me but we had to move after 2 years, to then staying where she was. Same with us, one minute she wants it, next she doesn't. Same with her job, one minute she enjoys it, the next she wants to change profesion, to then moving to a different job.

She knows me, she really does. She knows i still like her, its obvious. She wouldn't be getting upset by it. She is either is fed up and can't be bothered to respond, even tho she knows i need it to put me out this mental torture. She knows i anaylize things.

[slimmiller]

Question for you.

She's seen the message & it's a simple question "be honest,are you still happy with the break up?"

Why can't just reply, Yes, i am still?

Why would she ignore it? Is it to keep me geussing and thinking about her?

Real question should be to yourself, are YOU happy with the breakup? Look out for you and your happiness. She has already proven that she wont do that for you

She ignores it because you questioning it proves to her that she is still on your mind. In other words she has space in your head. Thats really all she needs and wants right now. If she is with someone else this fact allows her to gravitate even further towards him with her knowing that you are safely where she left you, in case she wants to run back to you for the comfort she knows she can get from you   :'(

Best thing you can do right now is do something for yourself, go out have fun, read abook. Go for a jog. Anything. Anything for you to shift your thinking

[Eric1]

I'm not happy with the breakup. I want to be with her. It's made me take a real step back and not only learn a lot about her & relationships, but about myself as well.

It's a struggle knowing she's seen the message and can't be bothered to respond. Whether it's p*ssed her off me asking, because she does lose her ___ quickly.

If what i was doing was happening to a mate, i'd give him the best advice in the world. Only problem is, i can't take my own advice. I'm actually contemplating calling her and just saying it was inappropriate of me to ask, don't worry about it"

[Moonie75]

Eric,

Did you ever miss anybody or anything you still had?

We don't miss anything till it's gone, there's no reason to miss something we still have is there!

She WILL NOT START THINKING YOU'RE GONE & MISS YOU until you (real or acting) appear to not be there any more.

Every time you make contact you're putting yourself back to square one! That stands for trying to bring anybody back whether BPD or otherwise.

Then if SHE initiates contact, you still need to appear comfortable, as it makes you look strong. Same again, whether dealing with BPD or otherwise.

She will not miss you until you leave her to wonder where you went. You can't control her times scales so you have no choice but roll with it. In the mean time follow everybody's advice & get on with things she distracted you from.

You need to 'man up' if you want her to miss 'her man'.

It's really hard I know but you're gonna fall flat on your face every time till you get the hang of this mate.

[Eric1]

Needed that, Moonie.

Tough love.

I've deleted her number now. I won't contact her again.

[Moonie75]

I'm actually contemplating calling her and just saying it was inappropriate of me to ask, don't worry about it"

ERIC STOP! Stop everything, texting, calling up, explaining, apologizing, asking questions, just STOP man!

You're making excuses to contact her. You're gonna bollox this up hands down if you don't control your desire to contact her.

Let her come to you, in her time, when she's ready. If you try to push anything other than that, you'll push her, indeed you will... . The other way!

[Moonie75]

I've deleted her number now. I won't contact her again.

Good lad  


Slowly slowly catchy monkey!

And while you wait, check with yourself that it's really what you want so you can be better prepped for the return. You will need a lot of strength to manage your emotions with her so practice reading up on how best you can do this.

You need to understand yourself too so spend time looking at you while you wait for your fish to bite the line.

[Eric1]

I think I've done too much for us to reconcile now. She's not interested otherwise she would say so. I shouldn't have asked her if she is still happy with the break up.

She knows where I am, but everyday gets easier, so I'm not always going to be here.

[Skip]

Eric,

I think moonie' has it right.  Before you can make any of this better, you have to stop making it worse.

There are member and tools on the staying board that will help you in this relatiohsip (or any relationship) - why not take some time to learn them now while you are waiting this out.

You will learn a lot about BPD, relationship skills, and yourself over there.  You will learn what it takes and that, in and of itself, is worth the trip over there.

We're at page four so we need to close this after your next post, Eric.

Skip

[Eric1]

Thanks for the advice on the thread guys.

Cheers, skip. I'm sure I'll start a new thread tomorrow