How many times have you broken up?

[frustrated b/f]

I have lost count, it's probably close to 10 times over five years. We would break up so much I would just tell friends, "we're taking a break" because I would make a liar out of myself by saying its over then be right back in the saddle a few weeks later.

I usually get fed up and leave, a month later the bad experiences start to fade and I can only remember the good times, and the cycle continues.

Last break-up I wrote down every intolerable issue on a white board and each time my would drift to the positive memories I would remind myself why I left.

What about you?

[Relentless]

Ever get silent treatment? Did you always do the breaking up?

[frustrated b/f]

Ever get silent treatment? Did you always do the breaking up?

Before we moved to separate homes, the silent treatment would last indefinitely until I would initiate a resolution. Sometimes for weeks.

We live apart now, so we can go days without contact. I have ALWAYS done the breaking up.

[Relentless]

I've been getting silent treatment for 3 weeks. So we r broken up I have assumed. I stopped trying to contact her Monday. Today is day 4 of me not contacting. I'd love to talk to her eventually... . I thought it was another break up thing... We had one before. Lasted a few days. This time I'm not so sure what will happen. Hope she comes back.

[emotionaholic]

I think around 10 in a three year period.  Some lasting a day or two and some lasting weeks to a month.  I do realize now that some of them were taking breaks.

I was given the silent treatment NC sentencing 5 weeks ago.  I don't think I can take much more of this behavior and have resolved myself to not contact her or chase her down again.  Her stuff is still at my house so she will have to eventually get in touch with me.  I am still working out what I will do at that time.  I still want to be with her and love her very much, but there is only so much of this I can take.  I think she likes the chase, so I am not giving it to her (changing my behavior.)  It has been ruff though and only in the last 2 days have felt the devastation and gloom lift even if just a bit.  It is giving me hope.  FYI 2 days ago would have been our anniversary.

[simplyasiam]

AND THE WINNER IS SIMPLYASIAM FROM OHIO. 15 time in 6 years she left me last anywhere from 90 minute to 4 months.

i should add i did leave her one time in the frist few weeks we where together.

why on earth do we go back and tke them back.

i gave up on chasing her down like teo years ago... . to much money in gas.

i made it 30 days this time with n/c before she tracked me down.

ive stoped contact with her like five times this summer after that always after about a week she call or txt and i give in and talk to her.

who the heck is the sick one here?

[SweetCharlotte]

Ever get silent treatment? Did you always do the breaking up?

Before we moved to separate homes, the silent treatment would last indefinitely until I would initiate a resolution. Sometimes for weeks.

We live apart now, so we can go days without contact. I have ALWAYS done the breaking up.

Very interesting. We are married but live apart because it's a commuter marriage and always has been. He subjects me to silent treatments about every other month and has walked out on me while staying at my home three times. Sometimes he cancels a trip he is about to make to come see me, or bars me from visiting his home (but now I have a key). I have initiated a break-up four times in a three and a half year marriage.

[Surnia]

Its a good thing to admit how it is, bc like frustrated stated, in real life its "just a break", here on board its easier to be honest about the own situation.

why on earth do we go back and tke them back.

This is the key question here! What keeps you in this endless rollercoaster?

[Linlu53]

I have left once before I married my uBPDh. Knew nothing about this disorder then. I was just a kid. He was just too controlling and angry. Got back together. 10 years and 2 children later I left overnight. He cried and promised to do better. Came back home. 10 years after that. I left the state and went to his sister's and stayed for 2 weeks. Ironically, I'm pretty sure she is uBPD and puts her husband and son through hell, but is very sympathetic to me. Came home after H agreed to leave our house for awhile and go to counseling. This was before I realized I was dealing with way more than marriage problems! Total of 3 weeks apart. Finally, 3 years ago when we were married 32 I left our empty nest and probably shouldn't have looked back! But I did enroll in school, get my own apartment and a job! I was so proud of myself! I established the fact that I could be on my own if I so chose to. We were apart for almost 2 months that time. And he has really done pretty well. He has only raged maybe 3-4 times in the 3 years since. Used to be a daily if not weekly occurrence. I tell myself if I ever feel the need to leave again, there will be no turning back. I sure hope I have the backbone to stick to it. But for now, things have been so much better.

[Valentina]

My uBPD husband has broken up with me approx 30 times in the last 5 years. He left me again last month and he has been giving me the silent treatment for a week now. I am so emotionally drained.

[VeryFree]

Not taking in account the silent treatment, she broke with me only once.

And she can do this only once... .

[Relentless]

Anyone who got silent treatment t... . Ever do something stupid even if innocent where your partner painted you black and thought something bad of you and still came back after awhile? Mine thinks I cheated because I sent myself a picture of a girl in a swimsuit... I liked the swimsuit and was going to buy it for her... . We had JUST talked about it the day prior... . /sigh

[Relentless]

Today I found out from her room mate that she said she was done with me, and that it was a situation she didn't want to be in... .

She said that I was a great bf, and I did a lot of great things... . but I wasn't the guy she thought I was... .

WTH! Ugh, it hurts. I then found out she's been telling all her friends to not talk to me and said that she is scared of me etc.

Do they ever come back around after hit like this? (not necessarily romantically... . but at all? Will she split me white again after a long time of realizing she is blowing some stupid ass thing way out of proportion?)

I'm actually mad right now! Is this confirm that it's super done?

[blurry]

Our breakups have gotten so ugly, I'm not sure what else we could do to hurt each other during the breakup without either of us getting some serious jail time at this point, and guess what? She always comes back. We only got married 7 weeks ago and she's been gone around 3 weeks now, and after the first two, at the end of them I actually moved out of state for fear we were gonna escalate to a whole new level, which I'm not even sure what that would be at this point. Day 4 of nc just passed, 11 is our longest period of nc since February, will see if we finally went far enough that she doesn' t break nc, I know I wont break it, but I can't promise if ill say no if she does reach out as usual.

I can't even picture how we could continue this, at this point, no idea at all, but somehow I wouldn't be surprised... .

[bauers220]

In the course of 2 years I will low ball it and say 15 times - there were months we were apart for 3-6 weeks - we have broken up so many times I cannot believe it when I think of it.

And of course my seeing anyone else during the break ups is the reason for this split - I am an awful person and she is acting like I cheated on her... . she forgets she left ME... .

Impossible standards - icy cold sessions that lasted days to weeks for no reason - changing her mind - getting mad over stupid things - usually cause she was chasing another woman and how dare I invade her personal space on Facebook and read flirtations that were in my face to see... .

But I digress... . 15 is a low number for us... .

[Violista]

I've got to be the winner here... .

We were seeing each other for just under a year and I've already lost count of the number of breakups and near-breakups

I can remember at least about 8 or 9... .

most of the time he did the breaking up, sometimes he would come crying back within two days, once he ended it with me for two months to go back to his ex, had me totally depressed and convinced that the breakup was my fault, then he came back to me. I kind of broke up with him two or three times, but always eventually changed my mind.

Both our most recent serious relationships were similar to this one - he broke up with his last ex countless times, and I went through heaps of on-off periods with my last serious love interest. I seem to attract on-off patterns in relationships in general.

This time I think our breakup is permanent... .

[Violista]

In 10-11 months, there were probably six times where we definitely split and it lasted at least a few days

There have been two serious breakups where the split lasted more than a week... . this most recent (and probably permanent) one being the second time.

[Cipher13]

I will put my 2 cents in here to. I have been... . well still am on this road. Oh by the way how many times you break up isn't really a win. Well i guess under this post title maybe it is.

Any way. I have lost count of how many times prior to being married... . we dated for about 10 months beofre getting married. In that time I would guess a minumum of 1 time per month. Since we have been married now for almost 12 years. maybe 6 to 10 times the first 8 years. Now ummm the trheat is there every other day. I have always been the one to be like... . no no no dn't leave we can work this out we can be better, I can be better... . I'm actually in a place in my mind now that I will be the one to finally break up and it will be the end of it. I'm not all the way there yet but som many things point to that I am. My mind has checked out.

[Relentless]

I doubt she will come back. Went NC for 2 weeks. Sent her an honest email telling her how she treated me... . For a call from the police for harassment... . Her dad called. She called him saying who knows what.

But I doubt she will ever try to come back... . It's all really sad to me.

[bauers220]

I doubt she will come back. Went NC for 2 weeks. Sent her an honest email telling her how she treated me... . For a call from the police for harassment... . Her dad called. She called him saying who knows what.

But I doubt she will ever try to come back... . It's all really sad to me.

I am sorry she called the police - and my guess is she will attempt to come back at some point... . they usually do. Everyone around me - including my husband says I will have to be the one to end it with her - that she is too obsessed with me... . well I must be too cause I take her back over and over.

She threatened me with harrassment before - but she won't follow through only because then she would have to explain WHY to her husband who is in the dark on her relationship with me.

I think that she is in an affair with a woman is what has made this over the top.  Her behavior is ridiculous at best.  From chasing other women under my nose online and getting mad at me for being hurt over it.  To her constant pull backs (silent treatment, disengaging) to her changing her mind and wanting to remain only friends... . until she thinks someone likes me - then falls apart... .

Well she pushed so many times that I DID turn to another woman once... . and now ex gf knows and hates me for it... . I CANNOT win... . I am all black now.  She says this just crosses her boundaries.  I was told to never email or text again.  Its her Birthday today.  I did not communicate - so guess what happens now - if I did sent a text - she'd be mad - if I don't then she will play victim no doubt... .

I am too old for this... .

[rollercoaster24]

Hi all

Met my uexBP late January 2010, we were friends for a month, and then over the 2nd month became involved. During that 2nd month was when the trouble began, and he began to devalue me. After the first few times of it happening, I didn't react that well, but that one thing I said that was just as inappropriate as the rages being constantly thrown at me, was never forgiven. He paid me back on a permanent basis for 2 years!

So every week, he would provoke fights to create distance, and then turn around and blame his having to leave on me! I simply wanted peace in my home, and not to be under permanent attack!

We have been together for 3.5 years, (2 him living at mine off and on) and around 16 months long distance, when he moved back permanently to his elderly parents. During that whole time, I think his behaviour was only stable for around 2 weeks, (and not consecutively either). We have broken up every week pretty much for the whole union, and that is incredibly shameful to have to admit. None of it was my idea, and I did try to encourage him to take time out when he was upset or angry at me, but he would never listen or rarely acted on this advice to save our relationship, even if he at times agreed this was sensible or promised to do it.

In the end, his need to initiate physical violence put me at my limits, his violence extended towards others I knew too, and he wondered why people felt hostile towards him! They were merely tired, and fed up with his antics, as was I.

Since he left, he has never forgiven me, yet has done nothing to address why he had to leave in the first place, he has not changed his behaviour, only now his parents are dealing with it for the few days per week he is forced to stay home, (when he runs out of money to drive around god knows where).

He has repeatedly told me that he needs a job, and a place to live of his own, (his sense of entitlement is that since we are together, I should be providing that, since he lived at mine for two years, before I favoured my family over him!

But what I know in my heart, is that if I had asked my daughter and her partner to find somewhere else to stay, (instead of boarding with me) and I allowed BP to return, and give him the entitlement that he feels he deserves in my life, his behaviour would not change, and I would be left to fend alone.

As it is now, my daughter and her partner board with me, we all get along well, and work together providing a home base for all of us that is mutually rewarding. BP could have been part of all that, but he is unable to forgive others mistakes, oh of course he expects them to forget and forgive the massive ones he has committed himself, but his forgiveness only seems to extend to himself.

To date, over this past month he has dumped and ignored me in a sea of verbal abuse, he has not applied for any jobs, and has done nothing about finding another place to live.

So I rest my case.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Roller

[sadinnc98]

30+ times in 14 months. To say I'm an emotional wreck is an understatement

[popeye6031]

I think about 15 times in the past 21 months, none of which I have initiated and only 1 I have been in half agreement with.  Most of the time I just ignore them and wait for the recycle.  The longest period was about 4 days.  A nice, peaceful 4 days they were.

In the end, his need to initiate physical violence put me at my limits, his violence extended towards others I knew too, and he wondered why people felt hostile towards him! They were merely tired, and fed up with his antics, as was I.

You gonna take this guy back if he comes crawling Roller?

[Ironmanrises]

Twice.

And that was 2 times... .

Too many.

She left both times.

First time... .

Just shy of 3 months NC... .

And then she returned.

Second time... .

90 days NC currently.

[lilybear14]

I actually lost count - how is that even possible? Probably because I shut so much of it out I guess... .I would say at least 30 times, maybe closer to 40 the 5 years we were together the first time. Break ups lasting from a couple of days, to weeks, sometimes even a month or more... .We broke up almost a year ago and I thought that would be it - he got back with his ex, the love of his life, but has now broken up with her so is back with me... .We've been back talking/together for around 6-8 weeks and already it feels like things are rocky and we might not make it... .urgh

[Cipher13]

Re: How many times have you broken up?

Threats to break up or actually break up

If you include threats then I had 2 just last night.  Kind of hope it turns to being real... .this time.

[rollercoaster24]

Hi popeye6031

You asked me if I'm gonna take this guy back? That would be a great big fat NO... .Thankyou dearly for asking and being concerned.

Infact if he rang and actually said Hello (instead of hanging up like has been frequent since he dumped me), I think I would hang up myself, it makes my heart pound in fact. Strange, since a part of me would love to hear him finally call and tell me that he is serious about seeking help this time, how much he really loves me, and truly wants to make it work with me. That fantasy (that he manipulated me into believing) was the glue that kept me there, way past the point of no return. If he had not kept telling me he knew he needed help and would eventually seek it, I would have been gone from the very first rageful attack on me.

I have to carry on now, and realise that he was just a mirage, a fantasy figure that he conned me into believing in, and now I keep reminding myself to burst that mirage with a sharp pin, there is of course a lot of sadness still residing in me over the hurt I allowed him to submit me to, and the love I had for the person he said he was and sometimes showed.

The mere fact that I have found out so much about him since he dumped me on the 13 August tells me the extent of the lies he has told me, and I shudder to think how much else he has lied about.

The scary thing, is that I kick myself for ignoring my instincts for so long, (which I always do, and always regret not following it, since it has never been wrong). I doubt myself and my strength of insight, passing it off as just paranoia.

Yet the real saddest thing, is that I WANTED to believe he was that honourable/faithful/straight person he said he really was.

Arghhh never again.

[popeye6031]

Hi roller, good to hear you know what you want. Well done on getting to that place and hope you will be able to stay strong. 

Good luck with getting the happiness back in your life.