What to do when contact is initiated

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I could really use some help in working through what I am going to do when the NC order is lifted.

It has been 5 weeks of NC and I am starting to feel better.  In the 3 years of breakup makeup cycles this one has been the hardest on me.  Depression and anxiety have been at a max for me.  I am getting a bit better.  Forcing myself to hang out with friends, taking walks, getting off the couch, and telling myself I deserve better are starting to work, however slowly.

Contact is inevitable.  Her stuff is still at my house, and our kids are best friends.  So eventually she will have to contact me.  I, as much as I want to contact her, am dead set on making her break the NC.  School will start in a few weeks and since our kids are in the same class avoidance is not an option.

What I need to work through is what am I going to when the inevitable happens.  Part of me is hurt and angry, part of me is compassionate and loving, part of me wants to not look back, and part of me wants to be assertive and tell her to cut the crap this is how it is going to be.

[emotionaholic]

I could really use some help in working through what I am going to do when the NC order is lifted.

It has been 5 weeks of NC and I am starting to feel better.  In the 3 years of breakup makeup cycles this one has been the hardest on me.  Depression and anxiety have been at a max for me.  I am getting a bit better.  Forcing myself to hang out with friends, taking walks, getting off the couch, and telling myself I deserve better are starting to work, however slowly.

Contact is inevitable.  Her stuff is still at my house, and our kids are best friends.  So eventually she will have to contact me.  I, as much as I want to contact her, am dead set on making her break the NC.  School will start in a few weeks and since our kids are in the same class avoidance is not an option.

What I need to work through is what am I going to when the inevitable happens.  Part of me is hurt and angry, part of me is compassionate and loving, part of me wants to not look back, and part of me wants to be assertive and tell her to cut the crap this is how it is going to be.

[GreenMango]

Are you afraid to let her back in?  Have you given some thought to what you need to communicate?

[SweetCharlotte]

For starters, why not return her stuff via a trustworthy third party ASAP.

That will be one less thing on your mind.

The other things you mention that will bring the two of you together are less personal and involve public rather than private space, so that should burden your mind less.

[Validation78]

Hi Emotion!

I can really understand how you must feel. It's tough stuff, and being away from it on a daily basis as you have been helps you to emerge from the FOG. If you don't want to recycle again, and have to have contact, LC, you can set the ground rules. You have to be the emotional leader here and set strong boundaries, the first of which is what, if anything, you are willing to discuss with her. IMHO, talk of the relationship is not amongst the topics. Keep it civil and friendly, with little small talk, and act as if it's a business meeting. You can crash later. Don't let her see you sweat.

As far as her things still at your house. Why don't you pack it all up, and have it ready to go quickly and painlessly. When she decides to make arrangements, you can have someone with you when she comes, or have a friend there and you don't have to be there.

Bottom line is, you can set the tone. You can work on the premise that she will try to cross your boundaries, so be sure of what you want, and stick to it. Yo've had some time to heal and reflect and during the rest of the time you have before your encounter, you can become more resolute about the path you choose to take.

Best Wishes,

Val78

[emotionaholic]

Thanks everyone for the replies.  This forum has really been helpful.  I have been on all the boards but am on the undecided because there is still that amount of hope that is hard to let go.  NC as hard as it has been has given me time to reflect and let realities of this illness sink in.  That said the realities of BPD are scary.  Of course friends and family hate seeing what this woman has put me through.  My compassionate side always asks "Would you abandon someone you love who has cancer and keeps vomiting on you, they need you."  There is the fixer side of me.  It is now after loads of reading and research starting to set in that I can not do anything about this illness.

As far as her things go they are not bothering me.  I have boxed them up and placed them in the storage room.  Out of sight out of mind.  I have always been the one to go way out of my way to return her items, but this time have decided to not cater to her and have the easy way out.  I guess I am just tiered of being the nice giving person that I am and this holding on to her stuff is my way of stating that I will no longer bend over backwards to make things easy for her.  When she eventually wants her stuff back I have it all ready to be placed on the front porch if she wants to just take it and go that is fine, and if she wants to knock on the door and have a talk that is were I need to be clear with myself as to what sort of conversation I want to have with her.

Am I afraid to let her back in?  Yes.  It is more that I have come to understanding that she has an illness and this recycling emotional rollercoaster will keep happening.  Knowing that I can not change her and all the love, support, patience, and acceptance from me can not fix this for her has been the hardest for me to accept.  Thanks to everyone here it is finally setting in.  I resolve to not jump right back in.  At the same time I am not ready to close that door permanently.  I have in the last year since she started seeing a T seen small improvements which gives me hope.  There is still a lot of work that needs to be done.  Her T wants to get her into group DPT therapy but does not think she is ready for the reality that she has BPD.  Until that day comes I don't see how this relationship could ever work.

My biggest weakness is her.  The physical attraction is off the charts, the sound of her voice is extremely soothing.  There is so much of her that is everything I have ever hoped for.  Unfortunately it only works for us in a bubble.  Outside forces, friends, family, kids, have a way of shattering her and I am left dumbfounded.  I am glad that this NC time has happened during the summer months where our paths do not coincide.  Being in her presence I melt.  This distance is finally letting me see things for what they are.  I know from history that a recycling attempt is inevitable be that a week from now or 6 months from now.  I need the strength to not initiate it, and the strength if she initiates it to say "NO not at this time, there are much greater issues that need to be addressed and worked on before I am willing to give it another go."

What I want to communicate to her is that I do love and care for her, will be there in case of emergency like a car wreck or watching her son, and that if she truly loves me and wants to be with me that she needs to look deeply as to why.  That she can show me her commitment to me by committing to herself first.  That I will no longer chase her.  This is all assuming that she does want to be with me.  If not I will always be civil and polite.  I also know that I am prepared to move on, that I deserve to have my love for someone appreciated. 

Is it wrong of me to hope that by remaining NC that she hits some sort of bottom and gains the strength to tackle her problems in relationships.  She is not the type who jumps from relationship to relationship, she instead runs from them.