Why should I have custody? (help with statement)

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

After more than a year, my divorce trial is finally coming up next week. The most important part will be the determination of custody. My attorney has asked me to prepare a statement containing specific events. That part shouldn't be too hard, but I'm finding it hard to get started. I was thinking I might emphasize that she is not consistently reliable; that although she has sometimes behaved responsibly as a parent, she has also sometimes behaved dangerously and abusively (giving examples). This is because I expect her to present a long list of all the good things she has done for the kids, and I expect most or all of these things will be true.

Any ideas, suggestions, strategies, cautions, please?

[rogerroger]

After more than a year, my divorce trial is finally coming up next week. The most important part will be the determination of custody. My attorney has asked me to prepare a statement containing specific events. That part shouldn't be too hard, but I'm finding it hard to get started. I was thinking I might emphasize that she is not consistently reliable; that although she has sometimes behaved responsibly as a parent, she has also sometimes behaved dangerously and abusively (giving examples). This is because I expect her to present a long list of all the good things she has done for the kids, and I expect most or all of these things will be true.

Any ideas, suggestions, strategies, cautions, please?

[slimmiller]

Have you read 'Splitting' ? If not, you should. It points out how you want to be carefull in trying to paint her as the 'bad guy' to the judge and the courts. Doing so will basically make her look good in the sense that she be able to use that to her advantage. How? By simply showing and pointing out her good side and you pointing out the negative will make it appear like you are the 'jilted' party and want her to look bad. This will only hurt you so be careful. I know you are absolutely correct in your concerns, its just that they will twist and distort so be careful.

That being said, stay positive, it will show through (even if you have to fake it) 

Is there an agreement between you and her as to the custody or is it contested? Makes a big difference I think on how things turn out what your 'battle plan' will be. If you are not contesting I and in my case was to simply reason with her because any sign of conflict automatically put her in unreasonable bhit mode and there was no talking. It worked much better when I tried to accomodate her wants and then also get her to give me something in return. In all likelyhood if yours is like mine, she comitted all the offenses in the marriage and then she expected me to accomodate her wants and wishes. Thats what BPDs do.

I think letting the courts (and her) know that you will continue to provide a safe stable emotional environment for the children (this takes parenting pressure off of her and we all know how they deal with pressure) will work in your favor immensly. Much more so then trying to to do anything thats even remotely defensive. Anything that appears defensive is an automatic fight. They are geared for conflict and the best we can do is not give it to them because there again, it makes us look bad not them. Its hard to strand down but its the best sometimes. In other words win by loosing.

This was my experience only though. Yours may be different.

At any rate focusing on your positives seems to be better then focusing on her negatives for you and your kids

[livednlearned]

I had to do something similar during my trial for sole custody. Do you need an actual statement that your L will read out loud? Or is this to prepare you for a statement you will make on the stand?

I said something to this effect, "N/BPDx has demonstrated a pattern of instability that is both dangerous to himself and to S12. He allows his anger and rage to impede him from doing what is right for S12. He is only superficially involved in S12's life and yet voices strong and opposing opinions that prevent S12 from getting the basic support and services he needs. He has repeatedly put S12 in the middle without recognizing the serious consequences his actions have on S12. It has been almost 3 years since date of separation, and N/BPDx has not been able to develop positive ways of dealing with his challenges, whether it is his temper, or his issues with alcohol, or his problems with women."

Others here may suggest that you buffer your comments and say something positive about the other parent. I think it depends on the case. N/BPDx had threatened the PC, and me, and had had a relatively serious psychotic episode while S12 was with him. So the crazy was fairly well documented and I had a strong case. If I gave N/BPDx too much credit, or spent time honoring what he does well, I think it would've made me look like I didn't understand the seriousness of N/BPDx's issues.

[momtara]

Seems like you already know this, but for others:  They only care about things that affect the kids, not you.  Pointing out specific abuses is good, and it's also good to point out her unreliability and that kids don't have stability with her.  You will provide a stable environment.  Sounds like you already are saying that.

[rogerroger]

Thanks to all who responded. I received some advice that I think was quite good, and that was to begin by stating my own positive strengths as a parent rather than to start off listing her faults.

[GaGrl]

The only thing I might add is that, if you are stating that you have a positive quality or behavior that better prepares you to be the primary parent and caretaker, you have an example of your stbx's quality or behavior should you be asked, "Why could the mother not do this as well?"

[livednlearned]

What the court really cares about, to echo momtara, is whether you are child-focused. Every sentence should end with something that focuses on the kids.

[ForeverDad]

What the court really cares about, to echo momtara, is whether you are child-focused. Every sentence should end with something that focuses on the kids.

Definitely make it less about you and more about the child.  Don't appear needy.  For example, "My children need my parenting" is more accurate and more appropriate than "I need my children".

What meant a lot to my custody evaluator was that "mother can't share 'her' child but father can."  She had established a history of sabotaging, obstructing and even blocking my parental contact.  If that is an issue in your case, highlight that difference between you and her.  Courts ought to be reluctant to assign custody or majority time to a parent who is unlikely to reasonably share the child with the other parent.

Give multiple reasons why it is best for you to have as much custodial responsibility and parenting time as possible.  Several reasons are more difficult to ignore than one or two.