Hi all, been off the boards for a while as away/busy and 3 months since I last saw ex (and got pregnant by him the last time we slept together, a fact he never acknowledged ) I am feeling so much better on the whole.
But I did something odd the other day I know is a sign I'm not there yet.
Ex was a techie type and a gamer and the login on my playstation 3 console which my sons use all the time, was his email and a password that was saved automatically. Anyway, yesterday the saved password disappeared, I don't know if he deliberately did that or it was a system thing... .
I panicked a bit as am useless with this kind of thing and could not get through on the helpline... so I texted him saying 'sorry to contact you but the PS3 password is missing, I need it temporarily so the boys can play a game- can you send it please thanks.' no answer. I IMMEDIATELY regretted sending it, why the hell? I then sorted it out via internet guidance
and texted again saying 'ignore this is now sorted'.
The weird thing is as soon as I texted I became AFRAID of a response. My ex is a nasty, resentful loon who has blamed me for everything, run away from all responsibilities and painted me entirely black after 3 years of financial and sexual exploitation. I was no saint but I know that the way he painted me was utterly unfair and wrong and that he is deeply troubled.
So what the hell am I doing?
Today too had moment of extreme anger... . anger at the waste of 3 years of my life on this wanker... . all the energy I expended on an empty child of a man when I could have been healing my life and spending time with good people, friends, family. Doing good work. Living life rather than the half life of FOG.
That's a shift in the anger. It used to be direct at him for dumping me pregnant and all the ___ he did to me. Now it's bigger somehow. It's for the damage he did to me, an already damaged person from childhood. And a sense of guilt in that I let it happen to myself. I didn't protect myself.
I guess now is the time to start.
Thanks all for your great great help in my recovery. xxx
