Suggestions while living abroad?

[zaqsert]

Hi All,

This is my first post on the legal board.  I've been on the staying board, but the most recent cycle with my uBPDw made me wonder even more whether I shouldn't start preparing for the worst, while still hoping for the best.  For a summary of the latest, here is my post from earlier today:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=204894.msg12295596#msg12295596

While I realize that no one here can offer legal advice, has anyone had experience with anything like this?  At the risk of posting some potentially personally identifying info, I'll put it out here in case it helps.

- Lived in California for years

- Moved to Germany with my uBPDw and our D2 about 8 months ago for my work assignment

- Expect to move back to California towards the end of this year

- Kept an address in California for tax filing and did not claim a move out of California

- Have my mail sent to an address in New York, for convenience

- Although there may be nothing to it, my wife has threatened several times that she would either leave by herself or with our D2 and possibly go to Texas, where she has some family

It seems messy all around.  I've ready Splitting, and I'm worried.

Any suggestions?  (Again, just in case, I will not take any of this as legal advice.)

Thanks,

zaqsert

[catnap]

Preventing your wife from taking your daughter out of Germany would be a good first step.

Would your daughter have to travel on her own passport?  If so, secure the passport in a safe place where your wife would not have access. 

If not, is there a way to legally prevent your wife from leaving Germany with your daughter? 

[livednlearned]

Good advice from catnap about the passport. You need to get that document and keep it for safekeeping.

What are the laws in Germany about a parent traveling alone with child/ren? Do customs in Germany require a notarized letter of consent to travel? If yes, then even if she has a passport, she won't be able to leave the country without some kind of documentation from you, or something that shows she has sole custody. That's how it is for me traveling from the US to Canada, not sure how it's different over there.

Also check to see if there is a way to set up a Customs alert so that if your D's passport is ever scanned, there is a notification to officials that your ex is a flight risk.

Child abduction or kidnapping is a huge headache for countries because it can embroil nations, and no country wants to get in a fight over a domestic dispute. Look under the Hague Convention to see how Germany and the US handle child abductions -- it may give you the info you need without having to pay an attorney for the same info.

[zaqsert]

Catnap and Livedandlearned, thanks for your suggestions. 

I will find a safe place for my D's passport.

My uBPDw's most recent blowup and threat was yesterday.  During the blowup she put a one-way flight on hold for herself only for later this week.  She calmed down today, so my guess is that it was more likely BPD-style drama once again, and she will let the hold expire.

Now that things have cooled down, we are back to planning a trip back to the US soon so she can visit family, we can visit friends, and I can spend several days at my company's office in California.  Despite her complaints, she has returned to Germany along with our D2 in the past, so I expect she will again this time.

My wife has been able to fly with D2 between the US and Europe without any written authorization from me, so unfortunately I do not have that as an item to control.

I'll check out the Hague Convention just in case and will see if I can figure out whether there is a customs, immigration alert, or airport watch that I might be able to use if I need to.

I suppose my next question is, if the s*** does hit the fan, I'm hoping I would be able to deal with a court in California since that is where I am still claiming some sort of residency, and it would be a lot more convenient than anywhere else in the US.

Thinking paranoid for a moment, if my wife were to move to Texas at any point (her sister lives there), I believe she would have to be there for some amount of time before she could file for divorce in Texas.  I'll have to look that up though, unless anyone happens to know.  I am pretty sure that California requires at least 6 months of residency prior to filing.

It is still possible that I will not need any of this, but as the cycles continue I would feel better being at least somewhat prepared.

[catnap]

It is still possible that I will not need any of this, but as the cycles continue I would feel better being at least somewhat prepared.

Perhaps you can manage to squeeze in a consult or two with a family law attorney during your visit. 

If you do a consult, I think it would be important to stress your wife's periodic rejection of D2.  I am assuming that you would want to be the residential parent.  It sounds as though the strongest bond is with you not her mother.  Also, what if your wife refuses to return to Germany and wants to stay with her sister? 

[livednlearned]

It is still possible that I will not need any of this, but as the cycles continue I would feel better being at least somewhat prepared.

I recommend being more than somewhat prepared. Be over prepared. Catnap's advice to get a family law consultation is wise -- find out what the residency requirements are, and whether or not your wife can legally move to Texas with your D. And be prepared for her to not return to Germany. If that happens, and you go to Germany without your D2, make sure you understand how that action could play out in court.

I believe the laws are more serious if a divorced or divorcing parent crosses state lines with a child than if it happens during marriage, but perhaps there are some safeguards you can put in place. 

[ForeverDad]

I believe US federal law sets the requirement to establish residency at 6 months.  Some states may have additional requirements.  Maintaining a mailing address, bills, statements, etc are typical 'proofs'.  Likely you do still have residency in CA.  However, is she having any account billing mailed to Texas?  If so, she might try to claim Texas residency sooner than you may expect.  If you both feel you have residency in your state of choice it becomes (1) a matter of who files first and (2) whether that residency is successfully challenged.

In the meantime, your goal is to ensure she doesn't leave with the child.  That may be impossible to prevent, generally parents without a court order in place are presumed to have equal but unspecified rights.  Without a family or domestic court order many agencies won't step in and try to moderate the conflict.  (Warning, "court order" may include restraining or protection orders, many pwBPD or a similar PD try to do an end run around the normal process by making false allegations, be prepared in case that happens.  It has been stated here before, if the pwBPD has contemplated or made threats to make allegations, then the risks of that happening are higher.)

For example, securing your child's passport is a good way to handle the Run To Texas scenario, but I don't know if you can prevent her from claiming the passport was 'lost' and get another one issued behind your back if she is really determined.  It comes back to the core issue, the only real authority is family court.  (But being international does make even that more complicated.)

It goes without saying... . if you anticipate an end to the relationship and marriage, then don't share any strategies or information with her about these matters.  Even a "fair warning" could help the pwBPD get enough information to sabotage your efforts to secure your parenting.  Yes, we are Nice Guys and Nice Gals, but divulging information about our options would be self-sabotaging.  Our other wise nice and fair impulses - too nice and too fair in our high conflict situations - could be used against us.

[livednlearned]

For example, securing your child's passport is a good way to handle the Run To Texas scenario, but I don't know if you can prevent her from claiming the passport was 'lost' and get another one issued behind your back if she is really determined. 

Passports require both parents' signatures. Which isn't to say that she can't forge yours. If she does that, though, then she'll be guilty of forgery, and she'll have one hell of a hole to dig her way out of.

I agree with FD -- pay careful attention to her threats. And if she starts to suspect that you are planning a divorce, be extremely careful. I planned to leave my marriage for years, but it was during the last year that I did what you're doing -- I started to create a plan.

I made sure I had access to and/or copies of all legal and financial documents. I created a separate bank account in case he denied me access to our joint account. I opened a credit card in my name only. I created several contingency plans, got a storage locker where I put things I worried he might destroy, I met with a lawyer to figure out the best strategy if I needed to leave, and I got a phone I used only for conversations with my L. I tried to be careful about email and checking DV sites, including customs and passport stuff (I'm from Canada, N/BPDx is from the US).

Most important is to talk to an L. Read Splitting: Divorcing an NPD or BPD Spouse by Bill Eddy -- it's the absolute most important book you can read. Start documenting everything. If it's legal where you live, record her covertly during rages.

I was told that filing first was advantageous, but talk to an L about that, and what could happen if your wife filed first in Texas.

And maybe talk to your employer to let them know that your wife is having some seriously difficult issues, and that you are concerned the Germany to California thing is putting extreme stress on your marriage. Just a thought.

[zaqsert]

Thanks Catnap, Livedandlearned, and ForeverDad, for great advice!

If you do a consult, I think it would be important to stress your wife's periodic rejection of D2.  I am assuming that you would want to be the residential parent.  It sounds as though the strongest bond is with you not her mother.

Good point about stressing my wife's periodic rejection of D2.

I would definitely want to be the residential parent.  The consistent and stronger bond is with me.  My wife's inconsistency and periodic rejection understandably (and sadly) pushes D2 away.  Then my wife swings between saying that our D2 wants nothing to do with her (my wife), to today saying that D2 ignores my wife when I am around because I supposedly consistently undermine her.  But that's another story.

I recommend being more than somewhat prepared. Be over prepared. 

After reading Splitting and many members' stories here, I'm starting to take your advice to heart.

It goes without saying... . if you anticipate an end to the relationship and marriage, then don't share any strategies or information with her about these matters.  Even a "fair warning" could help the pwBPD get enough information to sabotage your efforts to secure your parenting.

Will do.  Thanks again!