How would a borderline get on with someone who NEVER got ruffled?

[Moonie75]

I've had a good day today & been feeling pretty ok all in all. Not what I expected for the weekend!

But did ponder... . If someone with BPD met somebody with the thickest skin & was never ruffled, would the BPD stay calm? If there were no arguments would the BPD remain contented?

basically if the 'non' was never seen to be attacking would they remain painted white & never get to the point of being painted black?

My problems in my relationship started when I begun to ask of things I needed, like support. If somebody never asked of anything would they stay 'good guy'?


I know this was ruminating & should be looking inwards etc. But it was a fleeting thought I had in a day where I've not been dwelling & felt generally good.

[Moonie75]

I would never want a relationship where the support was never gonna come & I had to shoulder everything. But just wondered if it would 'stunt' the BPD cycle.

[KE151]

Someone who doesn't care... . or doesn't show that he cares? I'm pretty sure a BPD would up the stakes as high as necessary to get a reaction because that's what they crave in a r/s. So really, every human being would react to the abuse at some point.

But a tongue in cheek answer: a deaf&dumb person chained to the floor locked in a dungeon?

[Learning_curve74]

Since I knew about BPD, I was very steady, validating, and not ruffled for many months. She always upped the ante by throwing more other guys in my face, being more dramatic about her problems, etc. She was definitely not content even though I was so calm. She went through a major life crisis/event with me at her side and seemed to try and eliminate the drama after that. But she couldn't keep it up, so I decided it wasn't worth being with her any more.

[the_way_back]

I'd say if you don't play along, eventually you'd get discarded and they'd go find someone they could play with.

[MaybeSo]

The symptoms of BPD are triggered by intimacy.

[WalrusGumboot]

No drama to them is boring. They would continue to up the ante until there is some.

My exBPDw actually like it when I got angry. At her or anybody else. She would incite the anger. It (anger) was very much out of character for me, but she had the ability to get the worst out of me.

I think somebody who can endure all the assaults and remain cool perpetually would be some kind of superhero! We all have our limits.

[duncanville1]

I have always been thick skinned in many ways. She always just escalated everything until I reacted. I stuck with her for over 30 recycles, her taking my daughter from me twice now. Whats screwed up is I am still in love with her... .  

[Simplymyself]

They up it. I remained calm and detached and exited when he started being unreasonable and went back when calm. Didn't take offense.

Then it progressed to you don't care blah blah and then I eventually stayed for the duration of the last assault... Until 2.30am in the morning and as it escalated into unrepeatable dialogue (one-sided) eventually it hit and it upset me. I cracked, cried a little - more for him than me - and waited until he'd finished and left with dignity but still shaken. Got the half apology text at 8am next morning. I waited a day then wished him all the best, didn't engage and I haven't responded to last text.

I'm placid, accepting and reasonable but there's no reasoning with irrational thinking and behaviour and no matter what, it was evident that the more I didn't react the angrier he became ! Disturbing. A reaction validates their existence I think.

[momtara]

No - I tiptoed and gave hubby everything I needed, and he still always found problems.  you can be the perfect person for them and sometimes it's just not enough.

[slimmiller]

If I had stood up to mine and not put up with her crap she would have been gone the next day. She has never took accountability for her own actions (always someones fault including her infidelity was my fault ) She never will.

If I would have been tougher from the start, I could have saved myself years of Hell

They only function with disfunction. Its how they are wired

[Eric1]

I can remember when i first took her rages. She told me that she mentioned to her mum how well i deal with it, by staying calm and then slowly resolving the situation. Or, by giving her a crooked look with a smirk to kinda say 'what are you doing'... .

I couldn't keep it up for long. When we aruged, she would sit me down, point at me and tell me to listen, then she would go for it. If i tried standing up for myself, she would talk louder and over me. I couldn't win. If i ever spoke, she would talk over me, instantly.

[left4good]

Mine used to like to push me to and past my limits and then cry because I was mad yelling.  Its hard to take stories of how awesome all of the others were.

Left

[Eric1]

Mine scared me. I was chatting to a friend on saturday who asked who dumped who etc etc And he said she seemed very demanding. I replied that i won't bad mouth, because it's not what i do, but she had a different side to her. They could see this and they didnt really know her.

She became quite good friends with one of my mates girlfriends. When we broke up a little while ago, she said to me on a night out that she scares her at times.

Suppose it's not just me that sees it.

[musicfan42]

Borderlines are angry people. Angry people think they're always right so appealing to their logic is always going to fail. They want to be soothed, told that they're right and get their own way. Inevitably, people will disagree with them on some issue and that's when borderlines start raging.

[rollercoaster24]

Hi all

Oh God, thanks so much, reading all your posts about this topic has really helped my struggle with the biggest issue I had during the whole relationship.

I spent all this time wishing I could just have been the perfect person, always calm, detached etc. Loving, non-responsive to his rage, sensitive to his feelings, which were out of control at least 4 days a week (worse living together, and just as bad when it later had to eventuate in long distance).

It was always 90% some aspect of me or my life that justified his acting out, and I found that validating got me nowhere either mostly. I tried detaching, refusing to argue or tolerate his rages, and he would just up the ante the more I didn't respond, or mirrored what he was screaming, instead of soaking it up like a sponge.

Mind you, I did a hell of a lot of soaking, and it really damaged my soul to it's very depths, still hurts soo much.

I beat myself up many times, because the pain of what he was doing to me, brought out hurtful reactions from me too, and like others have posted here, there is usually no listening to you talk about how you see things.

That can even be after you have listened and listened for hours on end to their painting things black, raging, projecting, and then you try and talk yourself, and they just talk right over top of you, or scream louder.

I likened his style of communication to sitting beside a huge black vortex, that was whirling around faster and faster, trying to suck you right in, (if you were, you would be lost forever and likely dead too).

Over the last few months during the last dying dregs of this pathetic unrequited union, I have been assaulted yet again, my property has been smashed, damaged, my life threatened, and we have only seen each other twice in 2 months anyway. Both times, BP acted out and against me in the most horrible ways, and felt he was totally justified to treat me like crap once again. He sees dishing out punishment and revenge his right against I, the evil one.

Then the next day, he is back on the phone, telling me he loves me, and wants us to be together and spend time together, then comes the ultimatums, I should get a house for the two of us only, and make him a priority in my life for the first time ever.

Huh right!

Strangely, he wants to talk on the phone each day, and keeps pressuring me into making a plan for our future, then when I try to, he flips again, back to denigrating and painting everything black. When I would try to make plans to spend time with him, I would be fobbed off over and over for the last month, even before that too, yet then punished for never spending time with him.

After he assaulted me the first time, he tried to paint everything black, then I went NC to avoid further verbal abuse for the day, next day he rang back, this time more apologetic and humble, began inviting me back to stay with him at his elderly parents, and when I said finally that I needed more than just an apology this time, he went back to raging and screaming at me, hung up, ( smashing the phone down) and went NC on me for two weeks. This is the longest he had ever done NC, and 85% it had always been him to make the recycle contact. By the end of that 2 weeks, after being ignored by 2 emails I sent and an attempted call, he rang out of the blue, and I actually regret being caught unaware, (especially being so vulnerable still).

Since then, he got me up there one more time, (7/7 this year) and he did the exact same thing, but lured me up under the pretence that we could cuddle, and spend the evening together nicely after I had finished work on the Sunday night. More damage to my car, (throwing things at me as I escaped) more abuse, and then back to wanting to talk on the phone every day, telling me he loved me, missed me, but his parents don't want him there, and they don't want me there either, (them not wanting me there is apparently a lie, since I asked his Mother a few days ago).

I have been expected to message him Goodnight, (same as I always did) yet he still disappears overnight every week and cannot be reached by mobile until he phones the next morning. This has been consistent for him since we met, yet i am and always was expected to be available to reach, day or night.

The abuse I was subjected to because he believed I was a cheating lying whore, was excruciating, even if it did look that way, I was too busy working, to have time to be cheating!

Unlike him, the unemployed bum.

Sorry folks, I got carried away again... .

[VeryFree]

If someone with BPD met somebody with the thickest skin & was never ruffled, would the BPD stay calm? If there were no arguments would the BPD remain contented?

basically if the 'non' was never seen to be attacking would they remain painted white & never get to the point of being painted black?

My experience is that the BPD would take it a step further every time, untill there will be a reaction.

[KellyO]

In the beginning I was not so easy to get all riled up. So, actually once my exBf said to me: in that situation a normal person would cry. Now think hard that statement. And I overlooked it, but I do remember it rest of my life. That one sentence gives away him: he wanted me to cry, I did not, so I was not normal, and was accused of not giving him the reaction he was looking after.

There is no ONE person in this world they can be with in the way you describe in your post. Not one. They want drama, they want war, they want chaos, they want meltdowns and angst and abandoning and whathaveyou. At the same time they convince themselves that they are not the source of all that, it is you, it is world, it is other people. If others just would be different, all would be well, they say. Then they find someone who is different, and it is same all over again. And then they find someone who is different again, and over and over and over again.

They can give you list how you should  be in order to avoid all chaos and drama. You obey and now they find something else that is wrong. And you change that and they find more faults in you. I have been in situations were I have been told to change something to avoid war, and when I did, I was told it is wrong and he demanded me to be like I was in the first place. In fact, he had no memory of me ever being like I was in the first place. There you can see that the point was not what I did or did not, the point is that I must be flawed, and there always must be something he could accuse me of. Seriously, this person accused just to accuse.

All this should tell you that there is no person in this world they would not turn against at some point. They HAVE to.

[rollercoaster24]

Hi KellyO and VeryScared

Thanks so much for your words of wisdom, that put it all in a nutshell... .

And thanks to Moonie75 for starting a very fitting post for all of us...

Regards

Roller

[twester65]

In my experience, what the OP is describing is detachment. As others have said, BP people will not tolerate that. Detachment = abandonment for them. I don't think a person with BP would even be attracted to someone who was detached from the moment of first meeting. They're pretty good at weeding out people who aren't good candidates to be the other side of their pathology. (I spent nearly two days being interviewed by my ex. I took it as interest, which it was, but there was a motive beyond the face value.)