ex BPD going off in left field about wife

[whippled]

My sons mom(ex) has been fine for the past year. Usually shes never gone more than a few weeks but she said she was on meds. 

Ok maybe I got ahead of myself. I got out from her stronghold 5 yrs ago. She was diagnosed with BPD after becoming involved with cps. They made her do an evaluation after they became involved in a case against her and her ex husband for neglect. To sum up what ive dealt with since 2008, filed divorce and found out we were never legally married because she was not divorced when we married, had a restraining order put on me the same day she got court papers, was told my child had umpteen illnesses from her trying yo get attention from me, was given 50/50 custody at first then guardianship by cps 3 months later and joint custody by term from cps forcing her. I have primary, final decision authority, while she has visitation and use of tax exemption(when she works or isnt locked up.)  After I left she had 11 preliminary felony charges for identity theft, credit card and check theft.  Then 2 more for bigamy and perjury  of those she got 6 felonies  already has a huge list of priors for check deception and ows and others.  She drove my ex fiance off from calling cps and being irrational and then got 6 more felonies for stealing her other children's adhd meds  spent a year in jail, about a year in a halfway house and is on 5 years probation now. Ive had my son since 2 1/2 years old. Well its been reasonable for over a year. In may I got married. She would contact my wife asking what to do about my son when he acts up, they exchanged pics of outings etc.  Well last week she tells me she thinks my wife is trying to take her place which I tell her shes over reacting and no she's not. My wife called while we were in the dr's office and she thought she hung up on me because she was there and was jealous of her.  That is not the case at all as my wife promotes her going.  This weekend my son had football. We all went. She kept her distance, tried getting me on the field for her call out for a flower, which I declined. She is materialistic and complained about the brand of cleats I bought. My wife and I have very good jobs and our son, her son, and my son are very well cared for. I expressed I saw no problem with them since he had 7 games and that was it. Unlike his regular shoes that he gets a lot of wear time in, I saw no reason to spend a fortune on them but if she wanted to get them so be it. after the game we all met my son coming off the field which we all talked with him. My wife had him as its not her weekend and I work weekends. As we head to get him to the car they walk ahead and he just drops his helmet and keeps walking. I ask why he did that and she responds he gets it from you. Later I found out he told her it wad getting heavy and she told him to drop it!  Then there was conversation at the car and my wife joined in. Well she parked next to me and upon arriving at my car she tells me if I want the waters to stay calm ill put an end to my wife cutting into her conversations. Once I tell her shes overreacting and of course, no shes not.  She goes on about we should be there not her and if it doesnt change my wife doesn't need to come to any games. Well I get an email from work and she is like " is she texting you now?"  I simply responded I was suppose to be at work. She had said he lives with you but we can change that. I laughed and asked her how she figured. She just gave a blank stare like I knew what she meant. 15 mins later I get a text saying we need to get lawyers. Didnt respond. 20 mins later I get one saying my wife doesn't need to come to games ever. No response.  2 hours later my wife texts and I couldnt respond so she calls.  Apparently my ex texted her saying something about her not going to games then tells her to be an adult.  My wife is an lpn and a staff development coordinator.   Shes probably more adult than I am at times. So she calls her asking what she means and she goes into the fact shes a step mom not his mom. My wife told her she'd never take that gift from her and never tried to. After my ex thanks her she goes into telling her I wont put up with her hanging up on me and dont ever call during my sons appointment and do  that to me.  Then tells her shes jealous of my ex. My wife told her theres no way in hell thats the case and she had the hang up situation wrong and to stay out of our business that didnt pertain to her son. She of course gets told shes wrong and they should get lawyers which my wife told her that's fine theres 2 in the family. My ex tells my wife she expects to not see her at games as its her and my child and we are the only ones that need to be there which my wife tells her none of the kids are treated differently and she would be there. While shes on the phone with me the ex calls, then texts saying my eife is the problem. That she tried being nice but my wife called being a b$!÷=.  Also that so much for nice co-parenting and if need be she make a mediation appointment. I didnt respond. She texted my wife more crap about she would take him after games and not her. my wife told her nicely she had enough, she'd been nothing but nice and did nothing wrong so lose her number before she started filing harassment reports. Ex texts me saying she would take him the next two weekends cause I lied about them going to the skate park, which I didnt they went, and she was told thst cause she wanted to take him to lunch after but these plans were made already. I havent responded and she hadnt bothered since. Used to mean she was boiling up a plan so im waiting.

My problem is I dealt with this 10 fold 4 years ago.  It starts small and gets out of control.  My wife doesn't want to avoid the games, my mom hates my ex and is wanting to go just in case.  I literally have set some boundaries before that she kept using her lawyer to blow through and she works 3rd when she has my son so he stays with her ex husband who is nothing to my son yet hes not crazy so I dont have an issue. I think I see the issue but its been fine for a long time and I think shes off her meds.  Im not sure how to deal with the game issue exactly. I know whats right but I dont have the energy to deal with this mess. my 1 yr old and 7 yr old and job drain me. Theres a ton more to this background but id like input on the situation. I know what my wife is saying is true. She doesn't lie plus she has the texts and her s13 could hear the whole convo. Sorry for grammar and length.  I wrote it from my phone .

[DreamFlyer99]

Wow! You wrote that on your phone? You must be way more coordinated than I am, I do it the "one finger" poking the letters way and it takes forever.

Sounds like quite a situation, lots of people all tangled up and around and between... .

Have you had a chance to read any of the info on this site about communicating in ways to "stop the bleeding" I think they call it? Some of those practical things might be a good way to start since they'll help you communicate in ways that can help things run more smoothly. Here's a link to one of those:

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

There are plenty more, but that one is a good "taster" of what can be done to change things from your end and (hopefully) positively impact the situation.

There are links to things that help a person know what to do in the case of still co-parenting with a pwBPD when you are in another relationship, here's one where the title says a whoole lot:

Staff Article - Before You Can Make Things Better, You have To Stop Making Things Worse

This one is a workshop for divorced parents who are still sharing parenting:

Shared Parenting 

This may not be my particularly familiar area, what you are dealing with, but i'm hoping I gave you a couple of helpful links that will help you start untangling your situation by understanding its dynamics better.

Some of what you write about sounds like questions you could post on the Legal board:

Leaving Board: Family law, divorce and custody

You'll find senior members who can help you work your way through and find a path with steps you can take to safeguard your relationship with your children. They really need us to have our heads on straight in these situations, and i'm thinking you could get some good help there.

Keep posting and keep reading and learning, for this way lies better mental health!

All the best,

dreamflyer99

[whippled]

Lol.  Yes I tend to text more so typing this wasnt a huge deal, just time consuming.   Thanks for the reply and the links.  I've read through them and will continue to look at more information here.  Unknowingly, I've used some of these strategies before.  That could be from growing up with a mom that is bi-polar.  I know the signs of being off meds from that. 

I have to figure out a solution.   My family's solution is to go and sit on the other side of the stands.  The thing that bothered me the most is her promoting behavior like just dropping his helmet.  I talked with him about it but of course she thinks its funny.  After the past year I hoped it would stay ok.  There was a few issues from her when I had to be late, which ceased when she had to be late.  Typical behavior.   Ok for her but no one else.   I've done my best to keep others from getting twisted up in this and really no one had until, for some reason, she claims my wife is trying to take her place and that it had been building up for a while.  If I can get a peaceful solution for everyone, good.  However, it may seem peaceful in person but ill be bombarded afterwards by her.  Her I'm better than everyone attitude is part of the issue with a lot of things as well.   I'm trying not to get lost in staying one step ahead of her game again like I had to do 3-4 years ago.   

[DreamGirl]

Hi whippled,



First, know that what your ex-wife is going thru is kinda normal for a Mom who is dealing with a Stepmom. We tend to struggle when another woman becomes a fixed presence in our child's life. The BPD tends to exasperate the situation (monumentally sometimes).

There tends to be a certain kind of insecurity (i.e. low self worth) that is present when it comes to those suffering from BPD - along with poor coping skills when it comes to dealing with those hard emotions. Your son's Mama is struggling here with how she feels and she's telling you in her own dramatic, flagrant, BPD fashion. To her if she's feeling like a "bad" mom = her being "bad". She doesn't have the skill set to regulate (or bring balance/control) to how she's feeling, so she's causing all kinds of chaos in the stepmom arena (probably the direct cause of her feeling the way she does) to help regulate all those emotions.

My stepkids' Mama struggled a lot too. I put a lot of effort into validating how she feels without getting too caught up in her chaos.  

Well last week she tells me she thinks my wife is trying to take her place which I tell her shes over reacting and no she's not.

 

What was your ultimate goal here when you said this?

She was overreacting. Your wife is not trying to take her place.

For me, it sucks when we *feel* a certain way and someone tells us that we shouldn't feel that way and we're overreacting (or being silly or whatever). It's pretty invalidating.  If Mama feels that she's being replaced, she can't help how she feels. Telling her she's not correct in how she feels doesn't really help matters because we feel what we feel.

We can help to make things worse.

Or we can help to not make things worse.

I don't know that lawyers are necessary in your situation. Do you think so?

DreamFlyer suggested SET (Support, Empathy, Truth). I think using SET might have helped your situation not escalate. It's saying "I can see why you would feel the way you do and it can't be fun feeling that way, but you are their only Mama and we all support/recognize you in that role."  

I think communication skills might help you and your wife. Also some boundaries for your wife in having to interact with the ex when it comes to this stuff. Our Boundaries Workshop is really good at helping us to recongnize our values and setting boundaries when it comes to them. For me, I don't set boundaries in the heat of an argument or when the other person is engulfed in anger. I set them when it's calm and in a way that shows values that I'm upholding.

My #1 priority in these situations is to keep the conflict to a minimum when it comes to me and their Mama. I personally stopped going to my stepdaughters games when their mom vocalized that she didn't want me there. It just wasn't that important to me and the tension at the games made everyone uncomfortable - especially the kiddos who found themselves in some kind of loyalty bind. Years later, my oldest stepdaughter thanked me for backing off the way I did. It helped the situation a lot... . and now? Mom and I often sit together.  

It's important to your wife that she support your son. Is there a way that you can relay that to her mom? Without causing more conflict?

~DreamGirl

[ForeverDad]

One thing I learned was that I couldn't reason with unreason.  If my spouse, then stbEx and now Ex wasn't wanting to listen or be reasonable, then there was nothing I could do to make her listen or be reasonable.  Yes, I could try to avoid making it worse as long as I didn't sabotage my boundaries, but ever since I was rejected and painted black in the months before our separation, I never got cooperation - unless it was something my ex wanted.

So if you can discern she's starting a cycle of conflict, is there an underlying cause or trigger?  Ponder over how to handle it and keep the fallout to a minimum.  Sometimes that means strengthening certain boundaries, not relaxing them.  What we see as seeking middle ground and being accommodating, the other sees as weakness and an invitation to press for more.

I've been single since I separated some 8 years ago.  I did reconnect with a dear friend I knew many years ago before my marriage but the issue of a conflictual ex got in the way.

[whippled]

My exact quote was " I get what you're saying but you're overreacting.  No one is trying to take your place."  My wife told her the same.  The issue with the games is my wife has been here for over 2 years.   When mom was in jail, he still had my wife there.  My ex kept calling her that day and my son caught on to the gist of the calls and said "Can you just not answer?  I want you at my games."    Its been explained,  and I've looked through the SET approach.  Knowing her like I do, she will feed off it all and get mad at any truth.  Like I said I've unknowingly used some techniques I've seen here. 

I get how thinking you're being replaced can get to someone.  She kept trying to say her exh was taking my place 5 yrs ago but she also promoted it. My son knew who I was so it didnt bother me long.   The other thing is she would call and text her on how to handle him plus wanted pics if my wife took him anywhere and sometimes my son asked her to send them. Now she thinks she was trying to shove it in her face, yet she has texts showing otherwise. 

As far as a lawyer.  Do I think its necessary?  It may end up if she starts using cps or the cops for anything.  She for some reason thinks court is a problem for me.  Its not and her time in court doesnt go well for her.

I was single for a year and a half.  I'm not putting my life on hold on her account.  Thought about it but I won't.   If it affects my wife, I will understand if she thinks that is the best option.   

She was in inpatient treatment at one point, ordered by cps and also her s11 was just in inpatient for a year after she got out of jail.  Had violence geared towards her. She has 4 other kids. S9,s11, s15, s17.  2 have issues that are or have been pretty pronounced but she treats my son differently and the others see that. 

As far as triggering.  With her its usually her and the guy shes with at the time have issues, shes gotten in trouble with cps or the police, or her and her xh are into it.  She is always living with her ex.  He is her enabler and she admits she uses him for money.  Its a really messed up situation that goes further and all her other kids are by him.  So its hard to put a finger on what it is this time but im sure its not actually my wife as its never been an issue.  Just comes up out of the blue last week. 

[DreamFlyer99]

My therapist has spent eons getting this through my head (though i'm not sure i'm 100% aware yet!)

What Dreamgirl said:

For me, it sucks when we *feel* a certain way and someone tells us that we shouldn't feel that way and we're overreacting (or being silly or whatever). It's pretty invalidating.  If Mama feels that she's being replaced, she can't help how she feels. Telling her she's not correct in how she feels doesn't really help matters because we feel what we feel.   

GAH! This is where I had a hard time learning to step back with my uBPDh, and started learning to use SET--in your situation something like,

Support: "You are his mother, and"

Empathy: "I can hear how upset the thought of being replaced makes you,"

Truth: "and I want you to know, you and my wife have your own separate relationships with him and yours can never be replaced."

My H totally goes off at "you are" statements directed at him. The pwBPD is coming from a place of a lack of a clear understanding of who they are and low self-esteem, so they will react to a "you" statement because to them you're saying "you are too stupid to get this." Yes, overreacting is definitely part of their skill set!

the Truth part doesn't need to be confrontational, though I have to admit it's taken me some time to be able to step back and see what I should say. And for me, honestly, I ended up in the moment just removing myself from the situation, and using this conversation OUT of the moment the next day. Seriously, spend some time on the SET thing, it has helped quite a bit with my H, AFTER I finally really understood.

Actually, that would be a great specific situation to ask for help on the board so you could get some ideas of how to implement the tool with a exact situation you face. That's what I had to do because I just couldn't picture how I was supposed to use it. And like you, I was unknowingly using some of the tools (Validation for one) with my H's sister!

ForeverDad makes a beautiful point--

One thing I learned was that I couldn't reason with unreason.

That is Exactly what tripped me up for years! I would think "but if he just understands where I 'm coming from on this he'll get it... . " but no. Once the pwBPD has gone around the bend they no longer can hear reason, they seem to only hear ATTACK! That's why the tools are so important, it isn't like having a conversation with someone in a logical place, it's more like having a conversation where they are a burn victim and you keep touching them. It's a whole different dynamic alright.

I was a stepmother too, married my H when his daughter (he had custody) was 6. Her friends kept telling her about wicked stepmothers, which later in life she found funny. I was clear that she and I had our OWN relationship separate from the one with her birth mom (why my stepd finally went to therapy!) I think I tried to put that idea in her head subtly over time, that we had OUR stuff we did together that was different from her time with her mother (who either ignored or traumatized her, as we later found out.)

I guess my concern about legalities is that we went through a pretty difficult time when my H's ex decided to take him to court for custody, and your ex sounded like she might be leaning that way. Of course you are the only one who knows the whole picture and whether or not you'll need to do that if the need arises.

I got a LOT out of that Boundaries workshop that DreamGirl suggested, it really helped me clarify who I am.

Keep reading, keep posting, keep learning--it's what keeps me sane. 

df99

[whippled]

Thanks for all the replies.  I can see your point with SET.  The thing is, im pretty sure she wants him to have no relationship with her.  She knows she drove my ex off, I think theres possibly the same motive now, for whatever reason.  At first she told me to take care of it if I wanted the waters to stay calm. Then im no sooner back at work thinking how to go about this with my wife and shes already going into attacking.  There are other issues like I will schedule drop off/ pickup, if I can, when I may not have the baby.  I would rather not have him with me incase she goes off. 

I will say it doesnt seem to be directed at me.  Its my wife, but some comments make it seem like shes after me again, which I've made clear would never happen.  As far as court, I'm not scared of it.  Yes I've seen them do some not do logical stuff but after her being involved with cps, going to jail, and having 12 felonies on her record, I'm not as worried.  Her own lawyer tricked her by telling us to put joint custody cause she just wants the title and the terms include me having final decision and primary. 

I get the fact theres no reasoning.  Ive dealt with her since 2005.  I know most of her ins and outs.  Its the anxiety I have an issue with.  I've tried being rational, irrational, friendly, hateful, some work longer than others.  Of course any legal stuff prompts her to try something legally.  I also believe her insecurity is our income opposed to hers.  She has always tried to play off herself as having money.  She doesnt which is why she plays her ex and guys for money.  Surprisingly she has a job as a cashier.  She makes comments about it, which I ignore, but she said she told my wife she didnt know if she could get his gym shoes and she said my wife told her its ok, wed get them if she didnt have the money right now.  Her tangent went on about she used her ex as a sugar daddy and she gets her hair done every 2 weeks 100 bucks a pop.  My wife told me thats not what was said.  Basically got the same answer minus the if you cant afford it part. She also decided to ask where I was all the time cause she called twice and I wasnt at home and s few times my son was with my wife cause he wanted to go.  Im at home or work 98% of the time.  Im usually working on one of my cars at home if my wifes there.    My guess is shes going after my wife cause it didnt work with me.  Im not convinced the reason is the being replaced issue solely.  Probably has some play in it but not all.  When she was seemingly medicated, we could have halfway normal conversation.   Now its left field again.  Once shes deep, she of course wont accept anything but her way.  Hence the reason im here .  I completely understand what everyone has said and know theres different ways to deal with every BPD. 

[DreamFlyer99]

Let me just say,

YIKES.

That's a lot to deal with.


Perhaps you could put this one as a specific question to ask for help with, about dealing with your ex, on the board. People with similar experience will likely have some steps they've taken they can suggest. Yunno, like "my ex wife is always picking fights with my wife, thoughts?" or something like that. (I tend to write too long of topic titles to fit.  )

She knows she drove my ex off, I think theres possibly the same motive now, for whatever reason.  At first she told me to take care of it if I wanted the waters to stay calm. Then im no sooner back at work thinking how to go about this with my wife and shes already going into attacking.  There are other issues like I will schedule drop off/ pickup, if I can, when I may not have the baby.  I would rather not have him with me incase she goes off. 

Or, "how can I safeguard my youngest from ... . ?" Someone will likely have some good boundary ideas.

Have you had a chance to read that Boundaries link yet that DreamGirl posted? It helped me define what I will and won't put up with in order to keep my own mental health, and with you having small children you want to keep from having extra emotional issues it's good for helping you define boundaries around them as well.

It takes time to get through the info on the site but it's worth it. If nothing has improved in the previous years with your ex, then changes won't happen overnight (especially if she's pretty dysregulated and acting out of her emotions) but you can certainly make headway with your own peace of mind! Mine is improving.

[DreamGirl]

When she was seemingly medicated, we could have halfway normal conversation.   Now its left field again.  Once shes deep, she of course wont accept anything but her way.  Hence the reason im here .  I completely understand what everyone has said and know theres different ways to deal with every BPD.  

What is normal anyways?  

It's really more about conflict resolution for someone you are required to deal with for the next however many years. Keeping the conflict to a minimum is what helps the kiddos thrive. What that means is that there are going to be times that communication is not possible. Other times, you'll be able to sit together at a game.

I've learned that when the Mama of my stepkids is having a rough time of it, that we just let her have her space to have a rough time of it. Our values remain the same (i.e. respecting her as the other parent) and our boundaries remain the same (i.e. we don't engage in arguments in front of the kiddos).

You may never know the reason - so I wouldn't waste too much time guessing. If she's usually OK with your wife, but something triggered her not to be, that's OK. Your wife can not engage in the fruitless arguments.  Let her calm down and figure out her stuff. 

I also have my own boundary when it comes to my husband's ex-wife. I believe the communication regarding children should be left to mom and dad (I have this same belief in my own divorced coparenting of my own children). So when she calls me and I'm not comfortable with discussing a subject matter, I simply say "Gosh, you should probably talk to him about that".

The pwBPD in my life tends to be a boundary buster - so she's struggles in the boundaries that have been set. It's something I've learned to expect from her. So I tend to repeat myself "I think what you're saying is valid, but you know I won't go there with you" and she's been pretty good about it. I think she felt ganged up on when both of us were trying to navigate the co-parenting relationship. It's helped things a lot when I left it to the two of them. Probably me most of all.   

~DG

[whippled]

She will literally contact her to ask about pick up sometimes and my wife will tell her to contact me and she never does.  My wife doesnt contact her for anything unless my son asks to send a pic. Ive been reading the boundries topic. Trying to figure all that out and how to relate that to this situation. 

[DreamFlyer99]

Whippled, What about posting a question regarding boundaries as a new topic on this board? i'm sure lots of people have experience with that and could give you some guidance. I had to do a lot of asking "but HOW do I do that?" on some topics before it really made sense to me. I know I keep saying the same sort of thing, I would just like to see you get more responses to your questions, so maybe post it as a more specific question? I think that's what I would try anyway.

I think the hardest part is after you figure out what the boundary needs to be for a specific thing, and then you actually have to carry through with it each time.

You and your wife are probably going to need to decide on some things in particular you want to work on, since things affect both of you, and like you said, you're trying to protect the kids too. Boundaries may be around how the ex communicates with your wife, where you set up some specific thing about "she won't be answering your calls, so please direct your questions to me, " that sort of thing... . but like I said, ask for help on a specific type of thing and get the peeps with all the knowledge talking to you about it.

Oh, or you could ask about a certain part of the Boundaries information and get more explanation by posting that question as a topic on this board! (I know, bossy bossy bossy... .   )

df99

[whippled]

Thanks.  Im starting to see one boundary at least that needs set. My mom happen to call today and ask why she texted her saying I refuse to sell trash bags for my sons football team.  part of that is true because I don't have the resources to sell them like she does and my son didn't want to sell them.  they only have to sell them and they playing All Stars and he's not sure if he wants to so since I only have to sell 10 rolls I said I would just pay the hundred dollars.  she said she would tell them because of where she works now she could get some sold which was fine with me.  Now all the sudden she's trying to make an issue by text my mom telling her I refuse to sell them for whatever reason. My mom knows our game and didnt play it.  We all have a feeling she's in trouble legally again and that's why she's done this.

[DreamGirl]

Thanks.  Im starting to see one boundary at least that needs set.

What is the boundary?

[whippled]

All contact about my son goes through me, not my family. 

[DreamGirl]

All contact about my son goes through me, not my family.  

Boundaries are about *us*.

The value = I believe that communication about the kiddo (as far as major decisions making issues, child support, the court order etc.) remain between mom and dad.  

The boundary = I won't discuss issues pertaining to the kiddo (as far as major decision making issues, child support, the court order, etc.) with anyone else except mom (or an attorney representing her).

Your wife and mom need to state their value as well = I think that communication about the kiddo (as far as major decisions making issues, child support, the court order etc.) remain between mom and dad, we don't really want/need to be involved.  

Their boundary = I will not discuss issues pertaining to the kiddo and I will not engage in discussions when they are brought up - I'll default those conversations to Dad.

When we set boundaries, we need to make sure we aren't trying to control the other person. It doesn't start with "You need to... . " but more "I won't... . " Your ex-wife thinks it's OK to go thru family members. You have to relay to her that it's just not how you and your family are willing to operate.

There's a difference in saying "Hey, let's keep it between you and me" and ":)on't ever call my family to resolve our issues".

You are each allowed to have your own viewpoints.

If she tries to railroad the boundary, which she probably will, then they/you can step it up. i.e. your wife can not answer the phone when she calls. Your mom too. I've even let Mama know that I don't return calls unless there is a voicemail, so if you don't leave a voicemail - then I won't call back.

She very rarely calls me anymore. I think she finally understood where I was at because when she would call me, it was my husband who would call her back with ":)reamGirl let me know that you [insert whatever]".

I think it's a lot better when communication remain between mom and dad. They are ultimately the one's who are legally responsible anyways.  

[whippled]

I agree with what you've said.  The unfortunate part is his game this weekend and its her weekend.   Im already stressing over the fact its a small field so she will see everyone there. That and shes unreliable and gets off at 7 or 8 am and lives an hour away. Im worried he will wake up in a bad mood and not want to go and she wont make him.  Ive already talked to him about follow through.  She on the other hand doesnt wanna look bad in public so I dont think she will start anything there, its afterwards I dont have time to deal with. 

Opinions/views etc I understand.   When she was presumably medicated she was fine.  The way she seems now she is text book BPD.  She tries to demand. apparently she told my wife that I knew the courts said she could take him whenever she wanted.  I still have all the documentation, its no where in there and considering its 5 paragraphs long, its not hard to find something.   

[whippled]

My wife also did tell her not to contact her anymore after last weekend.   My mom thinks shes helping but my mom is bipolar.  I've dealt with that my whole life and know her ins and outs but I know my x can cause her to have a manic episode.  I also know she has told her to not bother my wife so why she would text her telling my mom about me is beyond my comprehension.   

[DreamFlyer99]

... . which circles back around to what DreamGirl said... .

What is normal anyways? 

Haha!

There doesn't seem to be much you can expect from a pwBPD--except the unexpected.  I know I had to throw a lot of my "but why on earth would he think that... . " and "but that doesn't even make sense" wonderings out of the window, cuz they do NOT apply here! I will never cease being amazed by some of my uBPDh's words and actions, but I finally hit the point where those things were to be expected, so then I got to work on me (okay, so my therapist had to push me a bit!) to figure out how to protect myself and my health by learning to put good boundaries into use and learning how to communicate with much less stress... . Since I know he will occasionally become dysregulated, now I just understand to expect it, step back from my first reaction and take notes for next time on what I could do the same or differently. It does seem to be helping. Your ex does seem to be more dysregulated, but then my H decided he did NOT like the way he felt and acted when unmedicated, so he is taking some responsibility there. (I just don't want you to think I was saying "just do this like me!and everything will be peachy keen!" Every situation has a wide variety of variables--that may be redundant.)

I wonder if the medication thing for her is like my son and his ADHD, he kinda likes the way it feels to be without meds cuz then he's almost on a "high." Not so fun for the rest of us though... .

DreamGirl has a better handle on boundaries--her examples are clear. i'm still struggling to understand the specifics. Think I need to go back and re-read the Boundaries workshop again.

[whippled]

Yeah thats the exact reason my mom used to go off her meds.  The high.  Its how I feel everytime I quit chewing.  No anxiety at all.  Which is why I quit again today .  Some would think bad timing but trust me its not. 

Shes communicated 3 times about my son today.  Ive given precise answers and no more.  Saturday will be the test though.   Im not telling her everyone will be there ahead of time. 

[DreamFlyer99]

Whippled,

thinking of you today, Saturday!

[whippled]

Thanks.  It went ok.  We kept our distance  my mom talked to her and my son kept coming up talking to us and ran up and hugged all of us twice.  Im hoping that sent a message about him wanting my wife there. However, since its her weekend, she has him until tonight.  She sent a text yesterday saying I needed to work with him on football.   My shift is weekend shift, im just able to attend games and go back to work which she knows.  I didnt know my phone went off.  10 mins after that I get a text saying she likes how I ignore text about his football and she will start ignoring my pick up time texts  I simply responded im at work and I have been.  No contact after that.  So better as far as the game, but still an underlying issue.  Friday she also looked beat down, tired and sluggish.  She tried telling me my wife needed to fade into the background at the game and if I didnt have the balls to tell her she would.  Sent that  via text after she asked if shed be there and I said everyone will be.  She told me she suggested she sit in bleachers while her and I were on sidelines.  I told her we'd have chairs off to the side.  Got there and she was sitting in bleachers.  Its one battle after another. I dont have time to engage over meaningless stuff. 

[newlymarried]

I am sorry your ex is in a controlling phase. As long as your wife and you are a united front, you can weather this storm. 

[whippled]

Partially controlling, partially has the need to feel overly important.   Whatever makes her feel better I guess. Just funny when we were together she never could control me so its funny she thinks she can try now.  My wife and I are united but its kind of gotten to her already. 

[newlymarried]

As the spouse of a man whose ex has BPD, I can understand. As long as your ex doesn't live rent free in your head and you have space to just be with your wife, it can be ok.

[DreamGirl]

Thanks.  It went ok.  We kept our distance  my mom talked to her and my son kept coming up talking to us and ran up and hugged all of us twice.  Im hoping that sent a message about him wanting my wife there. However, since its her weekend, she has him until tonight. 

Hopefully she can figure out a better way in coping with this.

It's really unnecessary on your ex-wife's part to be all in upheaval over something that has already been well established (as far as your wife going to games). I think it's good that you're making it more about who your DS wants there (mom and dad and stepmom) and not so much as who has the "right" to be there. If you keep up with this idealogy, you'll always feel good about what you're doing.

You only have control over your own reactions. 

If you make a conscious choice to be non-reactionary to her actions/words, but rather be "responsive" to them, it allows you the room to do the right thing regardless of what she does.  Like when she is complaining to you about football... .

You can just know that's what she does because that's what she does.

You can react (get mad, defensive, frustrated) or you can respond just like you did, "I'm at work and will have to talk about this later". And you can calmly, rationally engage in the conversation - or you can set a boundary that says you'll work on it with him when it works for you (which may not be ever) because work is a priority in your life when it's the main contributor of your family's financial stability.   

This stuff is hard... . and it can be exhausting. I hope you're taking a break from the drama when you can. Your lovely wife as well. 

[ForeverDad]

Thanks.  It went ok.  We kept our distance  my mom talked to her and my son kept coming up talking to us and ran up and hugged all of us twice.  I'm hoping that sent a message about him wanting my wife there. However, since its her weekend, she has him until tonight.

Hopefully she can figure out a better way in coping with this.

It's really unnecessary on your ex-wife's part to be all in upheaval over something that has already been well established (as far as your wife going to games). I think it's good that you're making it more about who your DS wants there (mom and dad and stepmom) and not so much as who has the "right" to be there. If you keep up with this ideology, you'll always feel good about what you're doing.

Good that DS has openly demonstrated his feelings.  But beware, ex lost this round but what is to stop her from pressuring son to change his open friendliness?

As an example, since separation (age 3) my son had always told me he wanted more time with me.  I filed Change of Circumstances within two years after the divorce was final seeking to change Shared Parenting to my custody and majority time.  Nothing major happened, but when the GAL was assigned then at the very next exchange I was greeted with my son's statement (then age 9), "I want equal time."  Yeah, you can guess where that came from.  I did get custody but time stayed equal with GAL reasoning (1) son is okay with it as is and (2) mother can seek child support and CS should make her more stable.  He does still prefer to spend more time with me but does so in subtle ways.  An example, "I was with mom last weekend so I'm with you this weekend" when he knew that wasn't so.  He doesn't dare let it get back to her that he would welcome a change.

What I'm saying is that making it about him is important but how you phrase it - indicating he is the decider - could set a trap for you that if later she gets him to shun your wife in front of her, then what?

[whippled]

I get that. The thing was it showed he wanted her there. my 7 yr old is very strong minded. Changing his mind is hard. plus hes old enough to start understanding her actions. Im waiting to drop him off but like usual he doesnt wanna go. Says he doesnt see her much when hes there. Hes usually with her ex husband and his brothers. Thats an interesting situation too.  He gies more to see them, not her. 

[DreamFlyer99]

That's a tough one, Whippled, and a situation i'm familiar with a couple of ways. When our foster son (now our adopted son) was to spend time with his birth mother, it was actually his older siblings who took care of him, so he never really developed much r/s with her. And my stepdaughter would spend more time alone when she was 5 when she was supposed to be visiting her mother. It's hard on their little selves, but if the grownups (you) can talk about it with them so they know it has nothing to do with their lack of worthiness as the child it should help. I wasn't that smart back then, but they've survived.  Plus I apologize a lot. (and my stepdaughter was adopted by me as an adult. very cool.)

[whippled]

Yeah this last drop off she was late and he just wanted to ho back home.  She asked 2 days ago why he was being mean to her. I didnt know he was and wasnt going to tell her my thought as she would just deny.  Funny thing is he has been saying this for a while and she thinks buying stuff fixes something. 

On a side note I picked up my sons fundraiser that she sold for her last night.  She brought what money people had paid. I was nice enough to pick it up as she lives over 50 miles away.  Well she calls this morning wanting to know if she can meet me to get them.  I figured she would get them at his game Saturday.   I hadnt planned on going anywhere so I left my 1 yr olds seat in the wifes car.  I tell her that it would be late afternoon even if I could do it because of that or Friday.   She says she told people she would have them today.   She texts me a few mins later saying now she has to plan her day around a kid that isnt hers and what was the big deal with not letting her come to the house. I responded I didnt even have to get the bags and she never asked.  I dont let her come here. Shes had the address but id rather her not be  able to show up whenever.  I called before I responded and no answer. called 30 mins later no answer. so I texted and asked if she wanted directions.  Figured id be nice. she responded nope, f it.  Im not planning on sending another one about today after that  she seems to think everything works around her. Bad enough I had to explain I didnt need her whole order to the fundraiser committee because she hadnt received the money.  Got a game saturday and after this im wondering how its going to go.