Am I setting myself up for more torture?

[Shall1989]

Like many of you, my ex and I have had a tumultuous relationship. I think we've probably broken up and got back together about 20 times over the year we have been together.

I have always felt desperate for him back but this time was different. Something inside me had had enough and it has been much easier this time to deal with the break up. Don't get me wrong, I've still had very bad moments and bad days, it has only been 3 weeks after all, but in terms of my boundaries, i've managed to stay very strong and haven't felt as desperate as I have in previous break ups.

I have always tried in the past to persuade my BPDex to go to the doctors, he is undiagnosed and has always thought he's had depression, but anti-depressants have never worked for him. From his behaviour, treatment of me and also from my own visits to a councillor, I am certain that he is BPD and needs the appropriate therapy to recover.

I have told him these things and spoken to him about symptoms. He always found this very difficult to deal with however and although he recognised himself in many of the symptoms and agreed with me (how did i manage that?) he still never did anything about it. I wonder if this is because he is too scared to admit these feelings.

Anyway, from this break up, we had 8 days of No Contact after an absolutely horrendous argument. But then he got in touch, desperately seeking me out. I eventually responded after he began calling my friends and told him i couldnt be there for him and he needed to go to a doctor.

After many messages back and forth of him trying to get me back and me insisting this would be impossible for me, he agreed to go to a doctor after I said that I would take him.

He was still very reluctant to speak to me about his feelings and brushed off my attempts to discuss how he felt in himself.

Anyway, we went to the doctors tonight and it was extremely difficult for him to be there.

I went for support and although I had written on 2 sides of a4 paper about what I thought his troubles were (All BPD symptoms, with examples of times he had shown them) I only spoke twice, once to tell the doctor of his fear of abandonment and again to bring up his impulsive behaviour with money, gambling and alcohol.

He began to cry as he spoke to the doctor and found it very hard to express himself.  He said that he felt depressed a lot, but then could also have big mood swings. He also described that his anger was a real problem for him, that he could act in a certain role at work so that it never came out then, but around friends and me, on a bad day he could be very angry and knew this was causing problems in his relationships.

He is being referred to a psychotherapist which is very positive as far as i am concerned.


I was worried that he only made an appointment to get me back. I still worry that going with me and having me there as support is just another way for him to break my boundaries, hook me in and then give up. He is very reluctant to discuss his problems and I hate to sound this paranoid as he is probably only feeling extremely vulnerable and finding it difficult to finally take a good look at himself.

We quickly popped back to mine for a 'debrief' before I dropped him back at his friends where he is staying at the moment (he was living with me, but obviously had to leave when we broke up).

He tried to kiss me when I gave him a hug and wanted to initiate sex. I didn't give in, although for the first time since we broke up I felt like I wanted him.

He didn't react badly however and it wasn't awkward when I then dropped him off.

Will being there for him as a friend hook me back in? I don't know how I feel about this. I think something inside me has definitely changed and I don't see myself with him. But I wonder if he was normal, whether I would want to be? Or if too much has happened? Has anyone done something similar and remained friends?

I would really appreciate a 2nd, 3rd, 4th opinion on this. My friends want me to completely cut contact and never see him again. That he isnt my problem or concern any more.

I think perhaps, I am just reverting back to what I always needed from him in our relationship - to feel needed and wanted by him and I am gaining this through him wanting my emotional support.

Unsure what the right thing to do is right now.

Thanks for any advice.

x

[Notthesame64]

  hi shall1989.

My question to you is how much patience do you have? A lifetime perhaps?  Like you, I split up with my BPDex, ex boyfriend, then ex husband, then ex boyfriend again, again and again... about the same if not more... . yup all in a 5year span... do you have enough patience for that scenario?   Because without sounding too harsh, my guess that push and pull behavior will last a life time in one form or another... He may or may not want to continue on with therapy... because mine promised the same... Only you can make the decision to remain as friends... but my guess, it's not going to be for your benefit. 

[babushka]

I would tread cautiously and stick to your boundaries. I've tried to be there for my ex as a friend but would always get pulled back into a pseudo-relationship. I put my boundaries back up, he would wear them down. He would seem better for awhile then do something hurtful again. I would deny his advances for awhile then get sucked backed into that too. I was still in a very unhealthy state of mind at the time though. We broke up many times. I didn't even believe him anymore. He would "break-up" with me just to get a reaction. Perhaps I tried to re-install a basic boundary. He would start worming his way back in immediately. I finally had to do no contact. I have broken no contact several times for several lengths of time.  My ex never went to a psychologist though he did go to a couple of anger management groups after he physically assaulted me. I think he just did it to "show some improvement" to get back into my life. Later he claimed he didn't need any therapy/help because his anger was all the result of physically health problems he finally got taken care of. You've been through a lot. Actions speak louder then words. If overall, you feel like he really didn't care how you felt during the relationship he won't care how you feel as a friend. It  does sound like you have been very strong as of this recent break-up. I would say whatever you do, do not feel guilty if you need space or no contact at any point in time.

[aurora.dragon]

Hi

Read my posts... .

My exBPDbf and I have been on and off for 2 years.

My guy sounds a lot more NPD than yours.

The sex and connection are so great - it is so painful to let them go, but then again, it is so painful to have them stay... . the ante keeps being upped... . the tests more hurtful and disrespectful... . the only choice you have is to let them go.  Its what they fear... . but its what they want.

Life is short. I am 48 and I miss being married.  I was with my exH, who I suspect has BPD traits, for 26 years and Ive been separated for 3 years.  I met my exBPDbf online a year after I was separated.   I have a degree in social work but have never dealt with BPD before.  After learning so much about it... . I think my sister and my mother both have BPD traits... . I am a fixer... . and probably have NPD traits... . hence I was a perfect match for my exBPDbf... . the connection was immediate and strong... . I had no idea what hit me but I was sure I had met my soul mate.

If the good time stayed, so would I.  I can't weather the bad times and he will make sure of it.

I would get counselling and go fix yourself and love yourself and find someone healthy.

That is my goal.

Run!

Good luck.

[Shall1989]

Thank you all for responding to me, it's unbelievable how much the support on this site helps.

Yes, that's what I'm scared of, that I will inevitably get sucked back in when my compassion for him really kicks in.

The thing is with my BPDex, he has never broken up with me. It has always been me that has left as his behaviour has become more and more unbearable. He would push and push me to the point where I couldn't take it anyway. Then I was the 'bad guy' for 'giving up' on him and the relationship. I would then feel so guilty and terrible about myself that I kept coming back, hoping that the nice side of him would be here to stay. Of course it never was.

There were so many times where he would be so unhappy with me and I would say to him, why don't you break up with me then and he never could. I think his fear of abandonment and being alone is so big, he would rather stay in an unhappy relationship that be on his own.

Is this why he is keeping in touch? Because it's too hard for him to face being alone and the contact with me makes it easier for him.

I genuinely don't believe that he is evil or means a lot of what he does and says, his behaviour is just so ingrained and primitive for him that he simply doesn't understand how he comes across.

I've thought about him loads today which I haven't before. Not in a sad way, I am not unhappy. He has just been on my mind. I feel almost like I am praying for him, I really want him to be better, but I'm not sure he will without my support.

I wouldn't dream of reconciling with him romantically again at this point. It would just be exactly the same. Also, my friends and family are not keen on him and a big part of not wanting to go back to him is the shame I would feel. I have experienced that shame every single time and I hated it, it made me very miserable and probably caused a lot of arguments as I think he could always sense it from me.

It feels like he is set on winning me back and I don't know if it's fair to stick around if this gives him false hope, although I have said to him over and over I do not want a relationship. In an awful way, I feel if I dangle the carrot of a reconciliation then he will seek help and be a real motivation for him to keep going as i'm not sure that he's aware of all his problems and I can obviously identify them and help with this.


Aurora... . I have read your posts and I am so sorry for everything you have been through. I too am a fixer so can completely relate. Do you think he sees my new boundaries as some sort of challenge?

Babushka... . yes this is how I feel. I am not doing it for my benefit but for his. It almost makes me feel better about walking away that I can still help and I can't tell him to get lost. I'd hate to be so cruel. But I don't think it is healthy for me. Then again, cutting all contact and not supporting him would also be very unhealthy for me, as it would kill me to feel like I didn't try

So stuck


x x x

[T. Moore]

Shall 1989,

I can relate.  Part of you being a fixer is wanting to help him, but as notthesame64 stated, how much patience do you have?  I struggle with this also, but the fact of the matter is that they can only help themselves and are usually unwilling to do that.  My exNPD/BPDgf attempts to keep me hooked even as a friend after the breakup.  She even admitted the other day that she has a drinking problem and asked if I would go to AA with her.  She also admitted to lying a lot when drinking!  I was astounded that she would even admit these things at first.  I then realized it was just another way to keep me hooked and focusing on her, which to some degree worked.  I am at the point that I know now that I can't help her and it's best (healthy) for me just to walk away regardless of how much it hurts or how bad she claims to feel about it.  It's an illusion.  It will hurt like hell at first, but in time will get better and you'll be better off for it.  By walking away you are doing the best thing for both yourself and him.  I've justified my being available to her by telling myself the same things, that I'm not the type of person to walk away from someone in need that I love and care about.  It's at a great cost to my own emotional health that I do this though because I focus on her issues instead of mine.  Trust me, he will find someone new to get attention from.  Hope this helps.  Take care and do what's right for you.