Im ready to leave... what do I say?

[sadinnc98]

I am done. After 30 breakups in the past year, plus the mass of other BPD stuff I have dealt with... . then being lied to repeatedly and ignored for three days... I just found uBPDbf (stbx) on a dating website... . active and online.  I do not want to divulge that I know this... but I want to end things-this was not the first time I have caught him on here but its the straw that broke the camels back. I can no longer do this. He won't talk to me on the phone (always has been a problem in our relationship) so this will have to be done via text. Any suggestions? As far as I know, there was nothing wrong before he went cold on me.

[letmeout]

Walk away, he doesn't deserve you wasting your breathe on an explanation. It will be hard to do, but you know you have to do it. More important is to force yourself to stay away. No Contact. Period.

[left4good]

That's good advice. Just go. Ask yourself why you feel obligated to salvage his feelings and compare that to how He's treating you. You really owe nothing and you owe yourself sanity and health.

Left

[sadinnc98]

Thanks for the advice-I am in shock, but honestly, it would not surprise me to think that this stuff has been going on the whole time. I just can't wrap my head around it  Feels like my heart has been trampled on.

[sadinnc98]

Ok now what  

He sent me a message on Facebook saying "Cancel your tattoo appt this weekend. I am going out of town"

Instead of ignoring it, I wrote back ":)id you get my message yesterday? I don't understand what is going on. Have I done something?" and he ignored me... .

Now what do I do? I WISH I had ignored him.

[bettermentofsociety]

After 3 and a half years, an engagement and many, many, many breakups.  Mine uBPDexGF did the same thing.  She would be out on a dating web site while telling me we were working it out.  Mine also could not talk on the phone later in the relationship.  I feel your pain, because I am going through another breakup now but this time she found a man on a dating website that she immediately attached to and left me like I had the plague.

Try to look within.  I am doing that now.  A lot of good advice on this site.  Look at why you want to be with him.  I am just attempting to do this now on why I want to be with my ex GF.  She was a cheating manipulative liar who hurt me like no other.  On the other hand she made me happier than I've ever been for at least a brief time.

Weird.  That's why I need to soul search.  Maybe that's a starting place.

[sadinnc98]

Well before I could do it, he did. He sent me this on FB-saw that I read it and immediately unfriended and blocked me.

We need to move on.  we are at two different places in life.  I care deeply for you but I am not right for this relationship.  nothing but great memories.  but we must move on.  I can not take on the responsibility of another wife and young family.  any playing house is doing no one any good.   it was awesome.  Good bye


I feel like I have been kicked in the stomach 100 times

[bettermentofsociety]

That sucks big time.  What an effed up disorder this is and it causes people so much pain.  Getting educated about mental illness in particular Cluster Bs can help.  I am becoming much more knowledgable.  By learning and doing a lot of self work, perhaps we won't make the same mistake by getting mixed up with another Cluster B person.

The tough part is now however.  There are so many feelings, memories, everything is raw.  I feel better knowing that there is a reason for the behavior (BPD).  I did not even know that much a few months ago.  I am a few weeks into No contact, but before that we had a few weeks together and before that we had two months of No Contact.  This, is the final one.  Gut wrenching.  I ask myself, do I want a relationship with this woman?  Hell no!  Would I answer her call if I saw her number pop up on my phone?  That is a tough one, I know the right answer says ignore it, but if it were to happen I don't feel confident I would do the right thing.

He is gone for the moment, but would you take him back in a month? Two? A year?

I feel those stomach kicks    !

[sadinnc98]

That sucks big time.  What an effed up disorder this is and it causes people so much pain.  Getting educated about mental illness in particular Cluster Bs can help.  I am becoming much more knowledgable.  By learning and doing a lot of self work, perhaps we won't make the same mistake by getting mixed up with another Cluster B person.

The tough part is now however.  There are so many feelings, memories, everything is raw.  I feel better knowing that there is a reason for the behavior (BPD).  I did not even know that much a few months ago.  I am a few weeks into No contact, but before that we had a few weeks together and before that we had two months of No Contact.  This, is the final one.  Gut wrenching.  I ask myself, do I want a relationship with this woman?  Hell no!  Would I answer her call if I saw her number pop up on my phone?  That is a tough one, I know the right answer says ignore it, but if it were to happen I don't feel confident I would do the right thing.

He is gone for the moment, but would you take him back in a month? Two? A year?

I feel those stomach kicks    !

I think our stories are very similar. We were engaged too... lasted all of 13 days when he freaked, wouldn't speak to me for a week,  broke the engagement over text and looked like a stone cold killer (no expression) when he took the ring back. Absolutely broke my heart.  He normally comes back in 1-11 days (average being 3-4) I was told by the counselor today to NOT answer at all. I KNOW its going to be very tough for me, VERY... but I keep remembering how I felt seeing him on Match.com and that is helping me stay the course. I will not contact him-whenever he goes dark or breaks up, I never do... he always comes back and counselor says to expect it.

I hurt to the core-everything that was great about our r/s just kills me to think of-our song, clothes he got me, places we visited, the purse he got me, etc... .

[jaydon]

Once you've had enough the decision is easy.  Violent Bpd crossed my matter line 3 years ago . It has taken me 3 years to  manipulate this separation... finally I have reached the finish line... we move into our new separate residences sept 1... . patience.persistance and blaming myself got it done... .

[bettermentofsociety]

Yes indeed, I agree and think that our stories are very similar. Being engaged was a joke really. We lasted from December until March with a few ring "give backs" in that time. What an amazing ride that was.  I am sorry that yours acted like he did as a stone cold killer (no expression) when he took the ring back and that he absolutely broke your heart.  Now it's on you, do you take him back in his normal cycle or listen to your counselor and not answer at all.   Just remember the hurt you are feeling and that he is out on Match.com.  I have been there.  It is a drag to say the least.  Mine is enjoying an unsuspecting schmuck who is pouring his dough into her like water.  She is lapping it up.  Amazing.  But we cannot control what others do.

I too hurt to the core of my being like I've never hurt before, but we shall persevere.   Don't let the past dictate your future!

[bondafc]

Best advice I ever got from a friend...

"Slow Fade... . "

If they contact you, you are suddenly really busy... .

no drama, no explanation... . just slow fade.  NC. 

You owe them nothing... .

Eventually they get the message and move on to the next victim... . if they haven't already... .

Respect... .

[Trick1004]

Yep, just keep walking away and don't look back. I'm sure there are very few of us who have been successful with this from the get-go. Each re-engagement attempt I have received I have responded to via text and it has only served to set me back a bit. However, each time it becomes more clear to me how disordered she is and eventually you will realize the best thing is to cut them loose and get on with living your life. It's hard but does get easier.

Stay strong. They made their decision, let them live with it!

[letmeout]

I agree, do NOT look back, just think of it as a close call with a man-eating shark!

I don't think I ever could have escaped that dysfunctional relationship with my BPDex had I not followed my counselor's advice of maintaining NO contact. Best advice I ever got.

[Iamdizzy]

Leave. Just go NC 30 break ups in a year sheesh. I must be a hypocrite and say just walk away and don't waste your time. If you were to explain yourself and why X Y Z is wrong, it will all just go in one ear and somehow turn into your fault.

[Foreverhopefull]

I agree with everyone who said to just walk away.

At this point, explaining yourself will sound like guilt to him. I'm sure that you have said before "Next time, I'm gone" but never went anywhere... . things never changed.

Walk away with your head held high since you gave it your best, don't look back just walk forward.

[SadWifeofBPD]

Have everything packed and in your car before you inform him.  Better if you're already completely moved our and in your new location. 

No contact after that.  Don't tell him where you'll be.


Best Wishes! 

[letmeout]

Remember to take anything valuable that you don't want to loose when you leave.

I made the mistake of leaving with just some clothes, and as soon as I walked out the door he emptied all of our accounts and sold stuff that I wanted to keep.

He also destroyed old family photo albums so I couldn't have them.  It seems that  some BPD's have no limit to their vengeance when you 'abandon' them.

Still... . it was worth any price to get away from his insanity!

[SadWifeofBPD]

Remember to take anything valuable that you don't want to loose when you leave.

I made the mistake of leaving with just some clothes, and as soon as I walked out the door he emptied all of our accounts and sold stuff that I wanted to keep.

He also destroyed old family photo albums so I couldn't have them.  It seems that  some BPD's have no limit to their vengeance when you 'abandon' them.

Still... . it was worth any price to get away from his insanity!

This is very true.  When H and I were separated, I took as much stuff as I could.  However, he still managed to grab a bunch of my stuff, drove away with it, never to be seen again. 

Also, be sure to get your hands on any funds that you can.  H and his fellow-PD brother made some horrible financial decisions while we were apart ... . all done out of anger.  Once you're painted black, they'll go to any means to hurt you.   And, NEVER leave a pet alone with a BPD if you're painted Black.  NEVER.